The Hatred Eater

0:01 So this year's Rains Retreat theme is Dust in Our Eyes, which alludes to the story of how the Buddha decided to share dharma with all beings after his enlightenment. The Buddha was initially reluctant to share his deep insights, but changed his mind after seeing the potential in many beings who have a little dust in their eyes. Report an error in the passage at 0:01

0:22 So as I said before, our speaker tonight is the lovely Sue Lee. Sue is a retired health professional who has been a member of BSWA for 30 years and continues to enjoy exploring her spiritual path with the help of Ajahn Brahm and the many great teachers here at the Buddhist Society. Thank you, Sue. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming, everybody. I'm very honoured to be your speaker tonight. Report an error in the passage at 0:22

0:48 First we'll start with a meditation and I thought it would be nice to hear Ajahn Brahm's voice. So we're going to have one of his meditations first for 30 minutes and then I'll give the talk. Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 0:48

1:19 please be careful to talk about what I've got on. You don't know what the man of Calvary is. That's what we prepared tonight. That's only a joke. Don't get too afraid. So now is the time for us to get closer and closer to advice. What does actually climate mean? It means peace. Report an error in the passage at 1:19

1:42 quite peaceful, there's so much activity, I thought it could be people coming and going, the light cameras are not really there for some of the just fucking traffic and things like Report an error in the passage at 1:42

2:00 much, which is disturbing in the morning. Report an error in the passage at 2:00

2:05 leaves more space in your brain. To be able to attend to more interesting things or rather more important things like your body. So we close our Report an error in the passage at 2:05

2:41 eyes. Report an error in the passage at 2:41

2:51 body tells you it needs to be adjusted, please... Report an error in the passage at 2:51

3:03 Our body tells us many, many times before we become sick. It tells us we're running too fast. It tells us we're holding things too tightly. When we don't listen to those signs, we Report an error in the passage at 3:03

3:30 start to listen to the signals from your body right now. Report an error in the passage at 3:30

3:36 me if you would like something nice. Report an error in the passage at 3:36

3:42 you there's some tightness somewhere. See what's necessary to open up that tightness so you can have some comfort. Report an error in the passage at 3:42

3:57 you're doing something wrong and it can lead to something. Report an error in the passage at 3:57

· · · silence, 29 minutes

32:32 We'll just pause while people leave and you can move around a bit. Report an error in the passage at 32:32

32:58 So tonight my talk is entitled The Hatred Eater, which is perhaps an unusual title, but no need to worry because hatred is an abstract concept. There's no need for unseemly behavior or blood. It can just be an abstract concept. But before I talk about that, I might just... Say that I'm speaking to you as a student and I'm not intending to tell anyone how things are. I'm just planning to tell you how I see them. Report an error in the passage at 32:58

33:32 So if I seem to be telling you how things are, I apologize. I don't mean to. Before I talk about the hatred eater, I want to talk to you briefly about our India pilgrimage that happened at the end of last year. The trip was very well organized. Report an error in the passage at 33:32

33:51 Patricia did a brilliant job. They thought of everything. We were taken to many holy sites, including the birthplace of the Buddha, the place where he became enlightened, where he gave his first talk as an Arahant, and the place of his death. Then there were visits to several Thai temples and the wonderful caves of Ajanta and Allura. And in all, it was a beautiful experience. Report an error in the passage at 33:51

34:17 Everything was thought of. And I've got nothing but admiration for their constant energy, and if you haven't been on one, it's well worth going. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about illness, no matter how people plan. And I was struck down like a few of the other ones as well, actually, several of us. Apparently, it was influenza A, and it was very nasty, very determined dose of flu, which we all actually decided to ignore it. Report an error in the passage at 34:17

34:50 Because we, you know, this is our trip to India. We had to go and see all the things. We had to do everything. We had to pretend everything was great. And generally I managed to do that. But there was one day when it got the better of me. And we were in Nepal and we'd gone to Lumbini, which was the Buddha's birthplace. Report an error in the passage at 34:50

35:11 And this was a lovely trip because we got up early and there's a long canal which goes from the Buddhist birthplace, 1.3 kilometers, to a place called the World Peace Pagoda. So it was a beautiful ride on a boat with early morning mist and really beautiful and poetic. And then at the other end when we get off, we have a long walkway to traverse. We had to walk quite a long way to the actual birthplace. This was a very long walk. Report an error in the passage at 35:11

35:45 This is when I began to realize that I actually was aching everywhere and was so exhausted. I had to put one foot in front of the other and I was just about, I didn't know what to do and I'm thinking, this is hell. Report an error in the passage at 35:45

36:02 And then I suddenly thought, this is not a picnic. This is a pilgrimage. It's supposed to be hard. I suddenly got all inspired with the idea that a pilgrimage has to be hard and you have to walk until you can't. So I suddenly felt inspired and good and happy in spite of still being in pain. And it really was the most amazing experience and it wasn't spoiled at all. Report an error in the passage at 36:02

36:29 And it brought home to me... That the way you feel about something really does make a difference. It alters everything. I was still in pain, but I was somehow glad about it. And I felt inspired. And I realized, and this has come back to me many times, how you feel about something does change everything. Report an error in the passage at 36:29

36:55 So I'll tell you about what a hatred eater is. I went to a retreat years ago, one of Ajahn Brahm's retreats. I had this huge insight, and I seemed to see, see all the people that I've ever heard in all my hundreds of million lives. Report an error in the passage at 36:55

37:14 all the people and all the creatures that I'd hurt, and I realised that... It was a very... sorry for all the pain I caused. And in that moment too, they all forgave me. Report an error in the passage at 37:14

37:34 forgive them for all the pain they caused me. Report an error in the passage at 37:34

37:41 It really occupied my mind a lot during that retreat, that experience. And at a certain point it occurred to me, those times you hurt yourself, like you might stub your toe or burn your hand or if you're going for a walk, a branch hits you in the face or something like that. Those little pains that come along are very annoying. It occurred to me they were an opportunity for me to take back all the pain I caused. Report an error in the passage at 37:41

38:09 I was very determined to do this. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, I didn't remember. Usually when I hurt myself, it's like, no, don't hurt me. I'm a nice person. Why is this happening? Report an error in the passage at 38:09

38:40 And it went on like that where I was getting more and more irritated with myself until in the end, one day, everything changed. Report an error in the passage at 38:40

38:50 I'll just tell you something you might not know. Did you know that the nerves in the human body conduct electricity at different speeds depending on what kind of function they have? I don't know if you know that, but as a physiotherapist, I know that. So the thoughts that you have and the way they travel, From your brain to your body to make you move and that sort of thing, thoughts travel the most quickly. Followed by that, pain follows quite quickly, but somewhat more slowly, the speed at which you can feel pain. Report an error in the passage at 38:50

39:28 And then after that is the speed at which you can move your muscles slowly compared to thought. You'd think that the great creative Devas might have done it the other way around. It might have been more convenient, but they didn't, so there it is. Thus it comes to pass, when you are putting out your hand to grab something hot, your thought will come into your mind, this is going to hurt, and then it does hurt, and then you move your hand. Report an error in the passage at 39:28

39:56 Why couldn't you have done it more quickly? Because your muscle nerves don't move that quickly. Not like you thought, this is going to hurt. Hold that thought. Report an error in the passage at 39:56

40:08 So I was working at Royal Perth Hospital as a physiotherapist on the wards. I was treating a patient who needed to go to the physio gym and have exercises. So we used one of the hospital wheelchairs. Royal Perth's a great hospital. But at the time, a lot of the equipment was somewhat old and the wheelchairs were somewhat lacking. Report an error in the passage at 40:08

40:32 Wheelchairs have a footplate, metal... Supports go down and then the foot plates come across and the patient puts their feet on those and in order to get them open there's a button on the side that you push in and then it swings out and then when you push it in again it clicks and that stops it doing that while you're walking along. Report an error in the passage at 40:32

40:50 But this wheelchair like most of them didn't have the button so the foot plates swung easily and it was only the patient's feet sitting on them that stopped them swinging about as you were walking along. When we got back to the bed Pushed it up to the bed, put the brakes on, put my leg forward and leant down to push the button because I didn't know it didn't have a button. But she knew this wheelchair because she'd commandeered it and was using it every day and she knew that it didn't have a button. Report an error in the passage at 40:50

41:19 So she put her feet down behind the footplates and flicked them open. You can imagine a metal footplate and my shin right there. And I could see that too. And I'm thinking, this is going to hurt. And I suddenly thought, I'm going to do it, and I did it. I took back all the pain I have ever caused all those beings through my hundreds of millions of lives, and I sucked it in, and it clouted me on the shin, and it didn't hurt. Report an error in the passage at 41:19

41:51 It didn't. And she said, that's funny. The footplate was going to hit me on my shin, and I thought it was going to hurt, but it didn't. Report an error in the passage at 41:51

42:05 It worked. Something weird happened. I thought, it's working. Something's working. Because the footplate, of course, hit my shin and went back and hit her shin. But neither of us felt the pain. Report an error in the passage at 42:05

42:22 I'm not telling you this so you'll think I've got special powers. We've all got special powers. I wouldn't call them powers. I think we've all got the abilities to use natural forces in a benevolent way. So after that, I've always done it. When I remember. I've got to admit there are times when something hurts me and it's still like, no. But, you know, there are times when it doesn't. I bring it in. It's like sucking something in. Report an error in the passage at 42:22

42:51 That's why I call it eating hatred. It's like you swallow it. And it does work. And the pain goes away. So as time progressed, I thought, this is really great. Report an error in the passage at 42:51

43:06 But it's always with sharp things, quick things. And I thought, maybe it works with chronic pain because I've got chronic pain. It didn't seem to me that it would work the same. You know, I wanted this sudden thing, but like I'm walking to the local lake and my hips start hurting and I'm longing for this chair that's a long way away. Report an error in the passage at 43:06

43:26 I'm walking towards the chair and my hips are aching, hips are aching. And it's slow. It lacks drama. But I thought to myself, you should try. Report an error in the passage at 43:26

43:36 I didn't it's not quite the same maneuver as when it's quick as you're walking along and it's slowly building up but I just sort of concentrate on it and I say I take back all the pain I have ever caused throughout all my lives and I just seem to bring it into myself and it's not the sudden it doesn't hurt it does hurt but slowly it does fade it does eventually it's just slower. Report an error in the passage at 43:36

44:03 So I do this all the time now, too. It's fantastic. It really is. It makes me feel so good. Let me change pages. I Report an error in the passage at 44:03

44:17 like to think how these things work. Report an error in the passage at 44:17

44:23 So I was thinking about things we know about physics. There was an evening with Ajahn Brahm here where somebody asked him if the universe ever ends. Report an error in the passage at 44:23

44:33 And he said no. Because what we hear about bends in space, it actually curls in upon itself. It doesn't end. It keeps on going. It just keeps curling in on itself. It's eternal. And I've seen on TV bends in space. You'll have seen them too. They do these demonstrations of space bending. Report an error in the passage at 44:33

44:59 And that, when I was at school, would have been a flight of fancy. I am 80. It's a long time. People wouldn't have believed that. And wormholes in space, that would have been a joke. So a few flights of fancy are okay. So I had a flight of fancy. I thought of myself sitting on my little nanosecond of now, like I am now. And waves are coming off me like light and sound in all directions. Report an error in the passage at 44:59

45:32 It's easy enough to imagine on this plane. And of course, sound waves, you know, are hitting your eardrums, and you know that your eardrums are creating what seems to be speech. Report an error in the passage at 45:32

45:52 Waves like sound and light can be stopped by barriers. Obviously, sound waves, if there's something outside that's loud enough, you'll hear it. Whereas light waves, if it was a solid wall, you wouldn't see because it can't penetrate. There are waves that are even very, very fast, like gamma rays and X-rays, that penetrate just about everything and have to be blocked by some special kind of blockage. Report an error in the passage at 45:52

46:20 They're not just blocked by anything. They do penetrate most things. I thought, what about waves that are coming off us? Because I don't know if you've ever been to a talk by a neurophysiologist, but I've been to a few, and they talk about the wiring of the human body these days, the way the nerves these days with all their electrical pathways are called wiring. Report an error in the passage at 46:20

46:46 Talk about the human wiring. And of course we have a force field around us if we've got wiring. An electrical force field. But maybe we've got more than just that. And this is streaming off me as I'm sitting here. It's a field. You're all doing the same. We're all actually sitting in each other. Interesting thought. Even more interesting. Supposing what's streaming off us is moving so fast that it penetrates everything. Report an error in the passage at 46:46

47:17 Because if it did... It would reach the end of the universe because quite simply there'd be nothing to stop it, and then it would curl back with the rest of the whatever it is that makes up the universe, and it would be going on forever. Report an error in the passage at 47:17

47:32 And that explains, well, it goes a long way towards explaining what's known as the Akashic Record, which appears in Hindu texts and other religions. Just briefly, it's a theoretical repository for everything that's ever happened. Report an error in the passage at 47:32

47:49 And some quite famous people believed in it. Rudolf Steiner, Edgar Cayce, they both claimed to have entered the Akashic record and read it. Report an error in the passage at 47:49

48:01 Creating a concept of a thing like that as if it were a library is a very human way to do it and probably not very realistic. Supposing it's just that everything that ever happened is still going on somewhere because the waves that come off us may be the kind of waves that... Never stop. And that would explain a lot. And that would also mean that in a way we are creating the fabric of the universe, all of us, with what we do. Report an error in the passage at 48:01

48:35 And if that's the case, there's every reason for wanting to sweeten it and make it beautiful. And that's what I think I'm doing when I'm sitting here, sucking in the pain I've got and making it... Report an error in the passage at 48:35

48:50 I absorb all the pain I've ever given out. I feel so good about it, and it is a type of meditation that I do. I mention this for more than one reason, really. One is, it's the way you think about something that really does make something happen, as I found out in India. The other reason is that as you meditate, there are reasons for having more than one type of meditation, because you really do need a lift sometimes. Report an error in the passage at 48:50

49:24 If you've been on retreats, you know that meditating all the time, there are times when you're on a roll and it gets absolutely fantastic and you're experiencing great things. Report an error in the passage at 49:24

49:36 But there are other times when you run dry. And that's when you may need to perk yourself up a bit with something else. So it helps to have more than one type of meditation. This is now one of mine, being a hatred eater. I've also meditated on my chakras. Report an error in the passage at 49:36

49:54 And that led to another kind of breathing exercise because what I was doing was breathing in and out through each of my chakras several times. And then eventually, because of going through the root chakra down into the earth, I realized I could breathe down into the earth, really down into the earth, and then back up through all the chakras and out through the top of my head up into the heavens. Report an error in the passage at 49:54

50:21 And get this beautiful plume of purple above my head. And then I learned just, if you do this, of course, it's a beautiful thing, but it gets a bit onerous remembering all the chakras all the time. So you can just breathe up through the root, up through your spine, up through the top of your head, and right up into the heavens, and then down from the heavens, all the way down your body and out through your root into the earth. Report an error in the passage at 50:21

50:48 And it becomes like a pendulum. Just breathing up and down your spine, just like a pendulum, and very restful. Report an error in the passage at 50:48

51:01 And the other thing I sometimes do, and this I got from Ajahn Vimok. I don't know if you see him when he comes here from Thailand. He's great. One of the things he taught us was how to gather harmful organisms from your body, viruses and bacteria, harmful things. Gather them together and through a certain breathing routine, cast them out of your body. And I did that for a while. Report an error in the passage at 51:01

51:31 And what happened was it kind of morphed into something a bit different. I gathered whatever was, because I'd been ill. Having had the flu, I got home and I had pneumonia instead of the flu. And it lasted a long time. And then I got COVID. And so I was ill from... Christmas until about the middle of February. So I thought I probably had a few bacteria and viruses floating around. So I thought it would be a good thing to do. Report an error in the passage at 51:31

51:58 What happened was with my meditation, I visualized these bacteria or viruses, whatever they were, and gathered them together. And they gathered themselves around here, here, between my heart and my throat. I could see them. It was a cloud of golden. Dancing creatures, and they were happy. They were joyful. I could see this cloud of joyful, beautiful little things, and I thought they're happy. Report an error in the passage at 51:58

52:27 And I realized that it's not their fault they were harmful to me. That's just circumstances. They're not really harmful. They're just happy little beings wanting to live. So it occurred to me, don't throw them out. Send them to heaven. Report an error in the passage at 52:27

52:45 Send them with love and best wishes and say, may you live harmlessly. Find a realm where you can live harmlessly. And I felt so good about it, and I could see this stream of golden things going up from my head. Since then, I haven't been sick, and I must say I had been a fair bit. At my age, you get everything. Report an error in the passage at 52:45

53:11 That was really an amazing thing, and I still do it. And the thing is, there are a lot less of them these days. I just don't see the great big cloud anymore. And I also realize that it really helps not to think nasty things about creatures that harm you just because you're harmed. They may not be doing it on purpose. It's not their fault. And that sweetens the whole of your life when you start to feel compassion for everything, whether it's harmful or not. Report an error in the passage at 53:11

53:45 So those are sort of things that you can do as an extra type of meditation. But there is a word of caution, a red flag. If you're an experienced meditator, you've probably thought of this. These things that I've described, essentially they enhance the sense of self, don't they? In fact, they're predicated on it, which is to say it won't work unless you're a self. But Buddhism... Report an error in the passage at 53:45

54:16 Preaches non-self. And Ajahn Brahm's meditations are very different from this. And I believe in his meditations. He really teaches letting go of everything. He teaches not trying to achieve anything. Report an error in the passage at 54:16

54:37 You're not trying to get anything. You're not trying to get jhāna states. You're not trying to get nimittas. You're just letting go. Report an error in the passage at 54:37

54:47 And if you do have a great experience in meditation, It's not yours. It's not yours. What is it? It's a process. Doesn't he always say that? It's a process. It's not you. You're not a being. You're a process. So if you've got this kind of meditation, the ones I've been describing, you have to realize they're not the main event. Report an error in the passage at 54:47

55:15 The main event is the way Ajahn teaches it. You're not trying to achieve anything. And the thing is, you need skillful means to live well. And what I feel is, for myself, I do need these other things because they actually, they give light and they do good. But I do want to do proper meditation. And the way Ajahn Brahm teaches it, by letting go of everything and not seeing yourself as a person, but just a process, a process in being. Report an error in the passage at 55:15

55:53 That's the main event and that's the main kind of meditation that for me I have to focus on because that's what I believe in. However, in a perfect world it would always work brilliantly but of course it doesn't. Report an error in the passage at 55:53

56:09 There are things that interfere with our meditation. There are times when with the best will in the world you're restless or you foolishly watch the news and you're absolutely furious. I'll have to stop doing that. I really will. I can't bear much more of that. So you can be angry for no special, you know, not because you're a bad person, just because life is like that. Report an error in the passage at 56:09

56:32 You can be restless. You can be sleepy. That was one of the funny things that happened when Ajahn Vermot came because... These very high monks are very good at looking into people. And I was sitting not too far in front of him, and another lady was a bit in front of me. And for no reason, he suddenly starts talking about what to do about sloth and torpor. Report an error in the passage at 56:32

56:52 I thought, he can tell that that's my problem, probably her problem. He's looking at us and telling us what to do. And he did give us some good tips, I must say. Yes. But that's aside. Anyway. The thing is, everybody gets disturbances, and your meditation isn't going to be perfect. And so some of these side issues, as I would call them, in fact, I don't really call them meditation. Report an error in the passage at 56:52

57:21 Looking at gathering the harmful organisms and sending them on their way to a better realm where they can live harmlessly, I'd call that a good job well done. I don't really call it meditation. I call that John Brown's version of meditation. But you can't do that all the time, not unless you're really, really highly developed. Report an error in the passage at 57:21

57:45 So sometimes these other meditations, if you're angry, what I do is I will chant the Mettā Sutta. At my time of life, I've learned to sing it without the words. But you can get your book if you don't know the words and put it there if you need it. And if you really can't settle, then going through the Mettā Sutta is a very good thing to do. Report an error in the passage at 57:45

58:06 But it's not meditation. It will just settle you. And I think... Sending mettā to your relatives and friends is a really great thing to do. And that's another, just something to make you settle if you're just not settled. Sending mettā to your friends. Any of these sort of types of meditation where you may be thinking of yourself as a self, but it sort of gives you something to focus on if you're not settling. Report an error in the passage at 58:06

58:37 And that's what I think is quite useful. But I do think there is no There is nothing that you can really say that goes past Ajahn Brahm's version of meditation. Because in the end you are reaching deep states of peace. Report an error in the passage at 58:37

59:02 And when you do that, not only does your meditation improve, but your life improves. It overflows into your life. And then when it does that, your meditation gets better. And then when your meditation gets better, your life gets better. And then when your life gets better, your meditation gets better. And so it goes on, it winds itself up. Report an error in the passage at 59:02

59:27 So I do think these, what I call the side issue meditations are useful tools, but I wouldn't forget the main event is to try to let yourself disappear completely. I've been listening to a couple of Ajahn Brahm's talks and a couple from the Rains Retreat in 2021. He mentioned... One thing twice, during a retreat, somebody asked him, does Ajahn Brahm get jhāna states? Report an error in the passage at 59:27

1:00:03 And Ajahn Brahm said, no, Ajahn Brahm doesn't get jhāna states. And it was a bit of a kerfuffle. People were saying, I thought you did. And he said, before a jhāna state can arise, Ajahn Brahm has to disappear. You heard it too, more than once. Yes. Before anything like that can happen, Ajahn Brahm has to disappear. We're very lucky he shares that with us. Because in the past, they didn't. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:03

1:00:39 There was so much they didn't share with lay people. They didn't think we needed it. They didn't tell us these things. He tells us everything. That's his real contribution to the world. It is. He's a world leader. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:39

1:00:56 Not just in meditation, but in thought, in how to do it. Meaning sharing it with ordinary people, because you never knew among the ordinary people who is going to become something extraordinary. All of us have the potential. So my loyalty is to Ajahn Brahm, but I use useful tools to settle me down and to add to the world. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:56

1:01:23 I'm convinced now that everything we've ever done is still going on. In a certain sense and that I can easily embrace them all and I can easily take back all the pain I have ever caused and I'm flipping well doing it at every moment I really think is working. I do hope you find something yourselves. Not everyone's going to rush out and do the same thing, but people, in your meditation, these things arise. And something will arise that you can grab hold of. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:23

1:01:55 Don't let it go. Don't let it go through neglect. Treasure it and do it. Buddhism isn't about talk, really. It's about doing it. Practice. Buddhism is a practice. So when you get your wonderful insights, use them. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:55