Forgiving Ourselves with Compassion

0:00 We made a bomb. As a kid, just experimenting, having some fun. The mic's going in and out. Oh, it's going in and out. That's because, I think it must be the... The batteries. No, not the batteries, probably the police. Oh. But it's actually... It's okay. So anyway, one of the things I did, my best friend, his brother was a chemist. Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:30 So he borrowed some of the, what's it called, the chemicals, and I supplied the tin can. That was my responsibility. I mean, made a bomb. My friend was a genius. The bomb went off. Bang! And I was so excited. It worked. The trouble is that sometimes, instead of giving kids, you know, the praise and say, well done, that's an amazing thing you did. Report an error in the passage at 0:30 Highlight the passage at 0:30

1:28 That's no way to treat anyone who does anything wrong. You forgive them. When you forgive them, you teach them, yeah, it's great to do that, but be careful next time. Hi, welcome. But that's why a lot of people suffer a great deal. There was one lady I was counseling over in Australia many years ago, and she was dying of cancer. Report an error in the passage at 1:28 Highlight the passage at 1:28

1:59 She lived a good life. But then one of the things I asked her before she passed away was, you know, what's the worst thing you've ever done in your life? And I said, you can tell me because you're going to die soon anyway. And I said, I would never tell anybody. Report an error in the passage at 1:59 Highlight the passage at 1:59

2:19 I've told thousands of people. I don't think she would mind because the example was a very good example. She said that, you know, she was an elderly lady by now. She said that once, only once in her life, she'd kissed another man, another woman's husband. Report an error in the passage at 2:19 Highlight the passage at 2:19

2:42 She kissed another woman's husband. And when she said that, honestly, I said to her, is that the worst you've ever done? Only once. Yeah, that's not bad. Is that bad? Report an error in the passage at 2:42 Highlight the passage at 2:42

3:02 Only once? If that's all your partner's ever done, you're a very lucky wife. Can you forgive yourself when you put it into perspective? A lot of times people can't forgive themselves because when they don't share any of their faults with anybody else, uh-oh. Report an error in the passage at 3:02 Highlight the passage at 3:02

3:26 I can't be still. When you can't share your mistakes with other people, you tend to exaggerate them. All the time. When you exaggerate them, you really feel it's the worst thing you've ever done in your life. And that is a problem. You're not seeing things clearly and putting it into perspective. If you put them into perspective and see it clearly, it's so easy to let go of. Report an error in the passage at 3:26 Highlight the passage at 3:26

3:57 And she was very happy with me that once that she confessed the worst fault, then she could let it go so much easier. What about me? What are some of the even worse things I've done in my life? You know, there was some years ago, I might get into trouble for this, but here we go again. You can answer the questions afterwards. I'm leaving Sheffield tomorrow. I'll be back again. There was a time when there were so many monks over in Thailand who were not keeping their precepts. Report an error in the passage at 3:57 Highlight the passage at 3:57

4:36 So one evening... I looked to my audience, much more than this, over in Perth, and I said, it's about time I was honest with you. I made my confession. I said, many years ago, many years ago, I spent some of the happiest moments of my life in the loving arms of another man's wife. We kissed, we hugged, we loved each other. Was that bad? Report an error in the passage at 4:36 Highlight the passage at 4:36

5:12 Some of you said you've been following my talks for a long time. You must have forgot this one. I spent some of the most wonderful hours of my life in the loving arms of another man's wife. That was my mother. That's my dad's wife. We kissed, we hugged. I don't like mentioning stories like this because sometimes we jump to conclusions. Report an error in the passage at 5:12 Highlight the passage at 5:12

5:41 conclusions and that makes the thing exaggerated beyond all proportions but even so i've known many people who have for one reason I used to go into the jail. To actually teach the prisoners how to meditate. I had a really devoted lot of people coming to learn meditation in jail. Report an error in the passage at 5:41 Highlight the passage at 5:41

6:21 The first time I went there, almost the whole prison came to listen to my talk on meditation. I was so inspired. I never thought that prisoners were so keen on spirituality. Until one of the prisoners... stood up, said, is it all right if I ask a question? When I looked at him, he was about six foot four, scars all over him. Report an error in the passage at 6:21 Highlight the passage at 6:21

6:46 He was one of the leaders in the gang in that prison. And when he asked a question, anyone like that ask a question, I would say, yes, sir. Report an error in the passage at 6:46 Highlight the passage at 6:46

6:56 But he's always called him sir, otherwise he'd get in big trouble. So anyway, he asked this question. And his question was, is it true that through meditation, You can learn how to fly over walls. Report an error in the passage at 6:56 Highlight the passage at 6:56

7:14 I'm not making this up. It's happened. And I said, actually, it takes a long time. It's very difficult, but it can be done. And then afterwards, the next week I went there, only three people turned up to my class. Report an error in the passage at 7:14 Highlight the passage at 7:14

7:31 But I enjoyed teaching in prisons because every time I taught in a prison, I never saw a prisoner. I never saw a criminal. I never saw a thief, a rapist. I never saw a murderer in all those years. All I ever saw was a person who had committed a crime. I made a big distinction there. Because a person does a terrible thing, it doesn't really make them an evil forever. This particular person, I'd like to... Report an error in the passage at 7:31 Highlight the passage at 7:31

8:16 Quote, Carl, he was in prison for rape. Real, he wasn't sort of set up. And got to know him by visiting jail. And we were teaching a meditation retreat and our cook couldn't come. The cook's husband got a cancer. So it's more important that she looked after her husband at this time. So we're stuck about three or four days before the retreat with no cook. And then there's this friend who was in prison, and he was eligible for work release. Report an error in the passage at 8:16 Highlight the passage at 8:16

9:02 And the prison officers knew me. The governor's superintendent knew me. And so I asked, can you come and cook for our retreat on work release? He said, yeah. So I had this guy at our retreat. Report an error in the passage at 9:02 Highlight the passage at 9:02

9:18 Doing all the cooking. All for free. He was a brilliant cook. I still remember the pizza he used to make from scratch. He'd come early in the morning from jail and get to work and make pizzas and lots of other food. He was a genius at cooking. And he worked so hard. And also, he was so kind and helpful for all the other people who came on the retreat. Report an error in the passage at 9:18 Highlight the passage at 9:18

9:48 And at the end of the retreat, we usually tell people, please say Report an error in the passage at 9:48 Highlight the passage at 9:48

9:58 thank you to all the people who helped on the retreat. Show some gratitude. And they did. But then they complained to me. They said, look, where's Carl gone? He's a brilliant cook. He was so kind. He was so helpful. But we can't find him. Where's he gone? And only then did I let them know. They said he's gone back to jail. And that really shocked them. Report an error in the passage at 9:58 Highlight the passage at 9:58

10:24 I said, why are you shocked? He's a prisoner. What did he do? I said, he's in jail for rape. And they were stunned. They said, you let a person who, you let a rapist come and cook for us during the retreat? I said, no. I let a person who, when he was young, under drugs, did that terrible crime. He's not a rapist anymore. These are things which we can forgive. Report an error in the passage at 10:24 Highlight the passage at 10:24

10:59 Even something like, which really hurts other people. You have to pay off those debts, emotional debts, society debts later on. And this is a starter in paying that back by serving others, making sure they have a retreat where they have good food and a healthy time. And I said, that's actually how I would advise people to forgive. I know sometimes people criticize me. Report an error in the passage at 10:59 Highlight the passage at 10:59

11:28 When they said, no, you should not forgive. It's too dangerous. I said, it's not just forgiving. It's adding that extra onto it. You forgive, and you can see how you make sure that never happens again, and you can pay off some of the karmic debts, what you did. But you'll never be able to pay back any karmic debt if you still feel that you are a bad person. Another good example of that. Report an error in the passage at 11:28 Highlight the passage at 11:28

12:00 One of the stories which I hope every one of you has heard, it's one of my favourite stories, the two bad bricks in the wall. How many of you remember that story? Okay, a few of you. The two bad bricks in the wall was when we first went over to Australia to build a monastery and we could not afford to get a builder. Report an error in the passage at 12:00 Highlight the passage at 12:00

12:27 And because we couldn't afford to get a builder, I had to... Do the bricklaying. Now my background, you know what my background was? Was, you know, as an apprentice to bricklayers? No. I was starting off from making bombs as a kid. I went further to go to Cambridge as a theoretical physicist. Report an error in the passage at 12:27 Highlight the passage at 12:27

12:53 I was in my head. I didn't know how to lay bricks. But then, why not? Let's learn. So I learned how to lay bricks. Took all the time in the world because no one was paying me. And so because of that, that I laid my first brick wall. If any of you ever goes to my monastery south of Perth in Western Australia, please don't ask where that wall is. Report an error in the passage at 12:53 Highlight the passage at 12:53

13:21 It is still there. These two bad bricks are still there, but they're in the monk's toilets. So please don't ask where they are. Anyway, so I laid my first wall. And after laying the wall, of course, what you always do, you look back upon it and say, well, and then I saw the two crooked bricks. Now look at all the bricks in the walls here. Report an error in the passage at 13:21 Highlight the passage at 13:21

13:48 They're all even. These two bricks, I don't know how it happened. They were crooked, out of line. And they spoiled the whole wall. And I was so embarrassed. One thing which I was at that time was very proud, egotistic. When I first walked, other people would see it. I wanted to make sure that people liked it. I didn't even like it myself. It was really crooked. Report an error in the passage at 13:48 Highlight the passage at 13:48

14:17 So because of that, I tried to get those two bricks out. The cement... In the joints was so hard, it was like diamond. I couldn't get them out. So I asked the other monk with me, can we afford some dynamite? Report an error in the passage at 14:17 Highlight the passage at 14:17

14:36 We'll blow it up and start again, or bulldozer. Honestly, we were really poor, so we couldn't afford anything. So I was stuck with those two quickie bricks. My next plan was to make sure that if any visitors came, I would be their tour guide. So I could take them somewhere else. Report an error in the passage at 14:36 Highlight the passage at 14:36

14:58 But I couldn't, I even had nightmares over that, you know, waking up in the morning, oh my goodness, and they all want to support this monastery when they see how we waste money on crooked bricks. So after a while, I was so depressed by the two crooked bricks in my wall, spoiled everything. And then one day this guy came and he saw that wall and he said, that's a beautiful wall. Report an error in the passage at 14:58 Highlight the passage at 14:58

15:25 Who did that? I didn't confess yet. He said, can't you see those two crooked bricks? That's a terrible wall. I built that. And then a man said, no, it's a beautiful wall. What about the two crooked bricks, I said. He replied, what about the 998 perfect bricks? And you got the message, which changed a lot of my life. Report an error in the passage at 15:25 Highlight the passage at 15:25

15:55 Why is it when you make a mistake, that's all you ever focus on? A mistake. You never look at the 998 good bricks you lay in war or the wonderful times, you know, when you didn't hurt anybody, when you weren't drunk or on drugs and you didn't really know what you were doing and you hurt somebody else and had to be punished by going to jail. Report an error in the passage at 15:55 Highlight the passage at 15:55

16:22 What about those other times? I don't know if you'll agree with this, but there's another gentleman right now in Carnet Prison Farm. Where Carl used to be. He was a murderer. And apparently the other monks who go there have been telling me, he goes around saying, it's only two murderers, two murders. Report an error in the passage at 16:22 Highlight the passage at 16:22

16:45 I've only done two murders. Only two bad bricks in his life. How do you feel about that? How I feel? Well done, whoever that man is. The murders have been done. He'll have to pay. Some sort of compensation, not compensation, something in his life to heal and help other people. But you don't bring a person back into life again because, you know, you've hurt somebody that badly. Report an error in the passage at 16:45 Highlight the passage at 16:45

17:19 Instead, you try and make amends as much as you can, however you can in your life. Use any bad things you've ever done. Forgive and act. That never happens again. And, okay. Sometimes I've got to be careful about being egotistical, but this was one of the best pieces of praise I've ever received in my life. One day I got a telephone call from one of the prison officers in the jail system, and he asked me, can I come back to his jail to carry on teaching? Report an error in the passage at 17:19 Highlight the passage at 17:19

17:57 I want you to come and do the same classes as you did last time. He said, I can't. I'm just really too busy. You've heard those excuses before, being too busy. I've got to come to Sheffield. I've got to go to other places. He said, yes, but he said he's about to retire from work. There's one thing he's seen he's never seen before. Report an error in the passage at 17:57 Highlight the passage at 17:57

18:23 Every prisoner who came to my classes, everyone, he said, zero recidivism. Once they come to your classes, they never go back to crime anymore. If someone tells that to you, and it's a prison officer, he's not a Buddhist, he said, everyone who comes to your classes doesn't know what you're doing, but we want you to carry on doing it. Report an error in the passage at 18:23 Highlight the passage at 18:23

18:52 They do know how to forgive themselves and get their life back into order again. And as for Carl, again, he was at Bodhinyana Monastery last week. Doing some landscaping work. Really happy to have him there. This is what happens when you have a good attitude to forgiveness and people take that opportunity and will never do any crime again. Report an error in the passage at 18:52 Highlight the passage at 18:52

19:24 He's married now with a kid and also a lovely dog. I always like to see his dog when he comes to monastery. The dog just sits there. It's quite a violent breed, but when the dog's in the monastery, he loves it. Carl loves it too. These are true stories about the power of forgiveness when it's done properly. Report an error in the passage at 19:24 Highlight the passage at 19:24

19:52 And sometimes people ask me, is there anything which cannot be forgiven? I've never found anything which cannot be forgiven yet. Report an error in the passage at 19:52 Highlight the passage at 19:52

20:02 And that's really quite a claim. I've seen some terrible, hurtful, harmful things which people have done to one another. I've never seen anything which cannot be forgiven. And if any of you, especially people who are very close to family members, if any one of you misbehaves, the other partner, please, first thing to say to them, I forgive you. Report an error in the passage at 20:02 Highlight the passage at 20:02

20:34 And see how powerful that is. In all forms of life where there are problems, and I'm saying about relationships, I've been a monk for over 51 years. I know all about marriage. Report an error in the passage at 20:34 Highlight the passage at 20:34

20:55 I've never been married, of course, but simply because so many people have come up and sort of tried to get some help whenever there's any problems in the relationship. And I've done so many marriage ceremonies in my life. And honestly, I know all about marriage. And I'm being serious now. Report an error in the passage at 20:55 Highlight the passage at 20:55

21:18 When two people come together and want to join their lives together, I often tell them, once you are married, I love doing this in the ceremony. I look at the husband and the wife right in front of me. They've just been married. And I say, you're a married man now. You've changed. From now on, I don't want you to ever think of your wife. Remember the first time I did this? Report an error in the passage at 21:18 Highlight the passage at 21:18

21:50 The family members. You were listening to me. Suddenly went quiet. I didn't need to have psychic powers to read their minds. All they were thinking was, who is this crazy guy who's come to teach my daughter or my husband or my son about marriage? But I carry on. Once you're married, you must never think of your partner. You must never think of yourself. Report an error in the passage at 21:50 Highlight the passage at 21:50

22:19 That's a mistake in a relationship. That's why it all goes wrong. Some of you just think of yourself, what you can get out of a marriage or a relationship. And others think, you know, what I can give to my partner. Report an error in the passage at 22:19 Highlight the passage at 22:19

22:36 Both are long. Once you are married in a relationship, please remember only to think of us. You and it together. When you think of the other partner, that's when you lose it. You get burnt out. Report an error in the passage at 22:36 Highlight the passage at 22:36

22:57 How many people sometimes feel burnt out in a relationship, in a marriage? What's given to you? You get nothing back for yourself. Or those people who just want to get as much as they can for themselves. Most of all, you're in it together. That's why sometimes I can get into trouble again here. That's why there's a couple of Sri Lankans in the back over there. Report an error in the passage at 22:57 Highlight the passage at 22:57

23:20 Somebody said, I want. Sometimes in a marriage ceremony, I say that Before you're married, you're just like a two-legged animal. You can go whichever way you want. But when you're married, you're like a four-legged animal. One body, four legs. Like an elephant. One of the traditional symbols in countries like Sri Lanka. Report an error in the passage at 23:20 Highlight the passage at 23:20

23:47 But because of Sri Lankan tradition, the front legs of the elephant have to be the man. The back legs have to be the woman. Report an error in the passage at 23:47 Highlight the passage at 23:47

24:05 Sri Lanka, please know. Elephants always walk backwards. Report an error in the passage at 24:05 Highlight the passage at 24:05

24:14 Do you agree? Report an error in the passage at 24:14 Highlight the passage at 24:14

24:20 But wherever you are. Maybe they walk sideways. Sideways is even better. Go out in circles, I don't know. But anyway, you're in it together. So that's one of the reasons why it's not who's in charge. We're both in charge. We're a team. We care for one another. And the reason I mention that as a part of forgiveness ceremony or forgiveness is that one of the wedding ceremonies which I perform was a celebratory wedding. Report an error in the passage at 24:20 Highlight the passage at 24:20

24:55 And this was this lady over in Kuala Lumpur. Any Malaysians here? Her name was Andrea. She had her own TV show. Her own TV show. And so she was a celebrity. She married one of her producers. And so it was a big celebrity wedding. And she wrote in Vogue, I think, Vogue Malaysia magazine. I've actually, it was the only time I've ever been in a celebrity magazine. Report an error in the passage at 24:55 Highlight the passage at 24:55

25:24 Vogue, not for my dress. Sorry. Not for my fashion sense. Have I got good fashion sense? Report an error in the passage at 25:24 Highlight the passage at 25:24

25:44 Mind you, I'm saying that about myself. Report an error in the passage at 25:44 Highlight the passage at 25:44

25:48 We're beyond fashion, aren't we? Yeah, beyond fashion, yes. So, but I was photographed in there just because, you know, her celebrity wedding, who was doing the marriage ceremony, it was me. And I remember she did an MC role for me a couple of years later when we did a big talk in Kuala Lumpur. And one of the things which she said, In this magazine, one of the best things of the marriage ceremony was I asked them, her and her new husband, and they accepted this. Report an error in the passage at 25:48 Highlight the passage at 25:48

26:27 They'd be doing this every year on the anniversary of their wedding, or as close as they can to it, to do a forgiveness ceremony together. Report an error in the passage at 26:27 Highlight the passage at 26:27

26:38 And they'd been doing that for years. They'd have some dinner or even just a cup of tea, doesn't matter what. But in private, just the two of them. And one says to the other, they can take it in turns, who starts, darling, my wife, if it's anything which I've done over the past 12 months, by body, by speech, by mind, even by thought, intentional or just by accident, which has hurt you, offended you, disappointed you, or things which I didn't do, which I should have done, but I forgot about. Report an error in the passage at 26:38 Highlight the passage at 26:38

27:19 Sincerely, I ask your forgiveness. I love you. I care for you, but I make mistakes. Because I make mistakes, I don't know whatever it was. But please forgive me. I ask for your forgiveness. And then, you don't know if you've done anything wrong, but I guarantee if you've been married or living together for 12 months, I'm sure these are quite a few things. Report an error in the passage at 27:19 Highlight the passage at 27:19

27:47 Assume that. And then the other one. He says, this is one thing which I've always was impressed with when the first time I read Buddha's texts. If you ask forgiveness with sincerity, you must always be given that forgiveness, always, with no strings attached. Report an error in the passage at 27:47 Highlight the passage at 27:47

28:07 And then it's the time after giving your forgiveness, you tell your partner, darling wife, or darling husband, whichever you start with, there's anything which I have done too. By body, by speech, by mind, which has hurt you, disappointed you, which I don't remember, or things I should have done, which I haven't done. Report an error in the passage at 28:07 Highlight the passage at 28:07

28:34 Please, I ask forgiveness of you too, sincerely. And you give that forgiveness. You discuss what it was afterwards. But right now, it's a general acknowledgement that you're not perfect. You make mistakes, as we all do. And so when we make mistakes, sometimes, you know, we can say straight away, or sometimes we're busy, we've got our work, we've got our jobs, and maybe overseas, maybe sick, or attending to the sick, even though, you know, it may have hurt you. Report an error in the passage at 28:34 Highlight the passage at 28:34

29:10 I'm sorry. And you mean it. Please forgive me. When that happens, at least once a year, you have this beautiful act. of kindness, wisdom, love, of forgiveness, which means you don't carry anything for years and years and years, like some people do. Because people carry things for years and years and years. It is like a cancer which eats at you inside. You lose the trust of your partner. Report an error in the passage at 29:10 Highlight the passage at 29:10

29:42 And trust is one of the most important qualities which keeps us living a happy life together. Even if we could do that, not just in our... families, but also in our work. Report an error in the passage at 29:42 Highlight the passage at 29:42

29:58 Wouldn't it be wonderful if in a company, you do make mistakes sometimes, you do do things wrong, instead of having to always start I'm sorry. I didn't make a mistake. You know, I'm not trying to get away with anything. I just want to let you know. Honestly. Please. Or even in another bigger family which just came to my mind. Report an error in the passage at 29:58 Highlight the passage at 29:58

30:07 it, we can tell our boss, look, I'm sorry. Report an error in the passage at 30:07 Highlight the passage at 30:07

30:26 Sometimes Sometimes this Sri Lankan girl, just happened to be Sri Lankan, this one, over in Perth. She's been coming to my classes ever since she was really a kid. I know her so well. And she came up to me one day and said, I'm in big trouble, Ajahn Brahm. Please, can you help me? I said, of course, what is it? And she was at university. She said she got pregnant with her boyfriend. It does happen. Report an error in the passage at 30:26 Highlight the passage at 30:26

30:58 And then I asked her straight away, have you told your parents? And she said, no, they'll kill me if I told them. That's what I've come to you for. Can you tell them for me, please? Report an error in the passage at 30:58 Highlight the passage at 30:58

31:14 And honestly, I felt kind of honoured that I'd been trusted with that role to tell the parents and get her out of a jam. But afterwards, afterwards, I gave a whole talk on this subject. Why is it that our children Lie to us, the parents. Why is it you can't trust that the parents will always tell you the truth? And the reason is because sometimes they're scared. Report an error in the passage at 31:14 Highlight the passage at 31:14

31:47 They don't trust their parents enough. And one thing which, because of that situation, when I do have the honour to do a marriage ceremony, I tell the parents, please, I'll tell the couple, if you do have kids, Report an error in the passage at 31:47 Highlight the passage at 31:47

32:05 Once the kids are old enough, please tell them, son, daughter, if you get into any trouble, as long as you're honest with mum and dad, you can tell us anything and you will have amnesty. Report an error in the passage at 32:05 Highlight the passage at 32:05

32:23 I won't shout at you or punish you. Parents are here to help, not to punish. I don't want you to ever feel scared about telling mum or dad any problems or troubles you've got into. Report an error in the passage at 32:23 Highlight the passage at 32:23

32:40 We're here for you. And then, but if you lie, or you don't tell it truthfully, then, okay, you can be liable for some scolding or punishment or whatever. Report an error in the passage at 32:40 Highlight the passage at 32:40

32:54 But when your kids get into problems, isn't it wonderful to be able to trust your parents instead of being afraid of them? Report an error in the passage at 32:54 Highlight the passage at 32:54

33:05 But sometimes, instead of just saying that the precepts of Buddhism say you shouldn't lie, Instead of just saying you should enforce that, say, now why do people lie? Why do people lie to those that they really love and care for? Because they're afraid. And take away that fear and say, now your parents, or especially your monk or your nun are here. Report an error in the passage at 33:05 Highlight the passage at 33:05

33:34 We've never lied to you. You can tell us anything. And as long as you're dying of cancer, and it's on your small seat, and it's a good story, then I might tell other people afterwards. Report an error in the passage at 33:34 Highlight the passage at 33:34

33:46 Most people, you never tell. Because you want to make sure that people trust you. You can be there to serve and help. That's the power of forgiveness. Report an error in the passage at 33:46 Highlight the passage at 33:46

33:57 How many of you get into trouble and you feel so alone? You've got this really difficult problem, you've got to face it for yourself. And no one really listens to you. The police, they're not listening. Just the counsellors, even they sometimes don't listen to you. You start with forgiveness, the openness. Report an error in the passage at 33:57 Highlight the passage at 33:57

34:17 And then let people say. And it's amazing just how much resources we can find. How many other people have been in difficult places with drugs or alcohol or just getting into trouble with sexual misconduct. How many other people just would really love to have someone they can trust and they know they can trust. They won't be scolded or embarrassed. Report an error in the passage at 34:17 Highlight the passage at 34:17

34:41 But you'll be listened to with kindness. And we can make. So solutions. Even if there are no solutions available yet, we can find solutions. This is actually where that forgiveness is so important. Usually we do that first. I don't know what it is you've done, but you're totally 100 % forgiven. And you mean that. Report an error in the passage at 34:41 Highlight the passage at 34:41

35:10 And then we can listen to you. And then because you know you're not in danger, you don't hide anything. Then it's truth. Once forgiveness is understood, then there's an opportunity to know the truth and find out ways to make it a much happier relationship. That's just like with Carl. My goodness, he was a rapist before. Multiple rapists. I trusted him. Report an error in the passage at 35:10 Highlight the passage at 35:10

35:45 And I've always found, always, that people live up to your trust. Imagine you got into really difficult situations and somebody really does trust you. You will never hurt or harm them or destroy that trust ever. And that's like with Carl. That means that you can always listen to him, give advice, help, serve. Report an error in the passage at 35:45 Highlight the passage at 35:45

36:13 And it also means that he doesn't feel that he's a hopeless case. When a person is not forgiven, It's like one stupid, bad, hurtful act just imprisons them for life. They may not be in a jail anymore, but they're that person who did that terrible, terrible, terrible crime. They become a criminal. I never want anyone to be like that. That's how you become free of past. Report an error in the passage at 36:13 Highlight the passage at 36:13

36:47 Have the opportunity to live a new life. Literally. And just have the parents, the friends, You're quite surprised how wise and kind you've become. And when that happens, it means that nobody is stuck in the silly karma of the past. Report an error in the passage at 36:47 Highlight the passage at 36:47

37:09 Even like, I'm just going to finish off. I'm not going to go much further with the talk because I've got questions and answers. Even a few people, as it keeps on happening, that parents come and ask me about what happens when someone commits suicide. Report an error in the passage at 37:09 Highlight the passage at 37:09

37:29 There's so many more occasions of people committing suicide these days. Once they commit suicide, that really affects all the friends and family. You know, you love that person, and now they never tell you why. There's one thing which I have noticed in dealing with suicides, that it's a waste of time trying to ask, why did that happen? Report an error in the passage at 37:29 Highlight the passage at 37:29

37:57 Why did that happen? Why did that happen? You'll never find out. But one thing you can always say, what happens to them afterwards? As Buddhists, especially Sri Lankan Buddhists, Thai Buddhists as well, but please excuse me, but Sri Lankan Buddhists, they usually say, oh, my son committed suicide. He's going to go to hell. That is total, I'm not allowed to say these terrible words. Report an error in the passage at 37:57 Highlight the passage at 37:57

38:31 But I will. It's total bullshit. That's not what happens. I now explain why. I say that because I want you to remember it. Because that causes so much pain and suffering to the family members. It's bad enough to lose your son or your daughter and then be told by some stupid monks, I don't mind saying that, that they're going to go to hell. Report an error in the passage at 38:31 Highlight the passage at 38:31

38:59 Imagine, there's this one guy once, or family. They came to see me at monastery, the whole lot of them. During our rains retreat, I was supposed to be meditating, but I broke that retreat because they were really in pain. They'd woken up in the morning and their son, who was a really good boy, could find nothing wrong with him. He was on the end of a rope on the veranda. Report an error in the passage at 38:59 Highlight the passage at 38:59

39:24 He committed suicide that night. Imagine how that felt. And then they were told by another monk, The son is going to go to hell because of this. Imagine that. It's sad enough. You're hurting more than enough because your son's lost his life. Now you're telling he's going to be tortured for the rest of eternity in the hell realm. That's just crazy. So I asked him. Report an error in the passage at 39:24 Highlight the passage at 39:24

39:54 He was about to do his university entrance exams. And I asked the father, what exams are they doing? How many subjects? I think in Australia there was five subjects they had to pass. How many papers in each subject? They said two. That's ten papers he will sit. How many questions in each exam? They didn't know. They said maybe eight. Report an error in the passage at 39:54 Highlight the passage at 39:54

40:23 Eight questions? That's 80 questions he will be faced with. Imagine, just imagine, That the first 79 questions he answers in those eight papers are perfect answers. Absolutely accurate. 10 out of 10. But the last question he answers, he really stuffs up, makes a big mess of. Does that mean you don't go to university? Report an error in the passage at 40:23 Highlight the passage at 40:23

40:51 Getting 79 out of 80? What do you reckon? Go, yeah. Tell you're a professor in a university in Hawaii. You were anyway. Would you recommend that that person goes into the university with 79 out of 80? Report an error in the passage at 40:51 Highlight the passage at 40:51

41:13 Of course. Thank you for the answer. Of course. So why is it when somebody, they've lived, this particular guy, 17 years of life, done perfectly well, never done a mistake in his life, always been kind and honest, and they've made one big mistake, the last thing he ever did. Does that mean you have to go and be punished for the rest of your life? Or the rest of eternity? That doesn't make any sense. Though your life is never judged by the last thing you do. Report an error in the passage at 41:13 Highlight the passage at 41:13

41:49 Your life is judged as a whole. How have you been? What have you done? All the good karma you've done. Not just one stupid act to the end. Report an error in the passage at 41:49 Highlight the passage at 41:49

42:00 And that actually works. That argument. They all went home. Sad they lost their son. They never ever thought he'd be suffering anymore, that he would get reborn somewhere according to his good karma he'd done in the past, but it wasn't over-exaggerated. Report an error in the passage at 42:00 Highlight the passage at 42:00

42:21 That's what forgiveness means. It's logical, reasonable, and it's helpful. Once it's helpful, then it means it takes away a lot of suffering in life. What about all the bad things you've done? One of the nice things to do is to tell somebody. Report an error in the passage at 42:21 Highlight the passage at 42:21

42:44 If he is your partner in life, that's one of the best things to do. But your partner has to be honest enough, trustworthy enough to say, darling, you can tell me anything. You'll disappoint me, but you're already forgiven. Report an error in the passage at 42:44 Highlight the passage at 42:44

43:05 Imagine you had a partner like that. Wow. Don't ever want to lose them. Someone you trust who's wise enough to help you. Learn from mistakes and never be punished for the rest of your life. Thank you for listening. Now, any questions? Report an error in the passage at 43:05 Highlight the passage at 43:05

43:30 No? Okay. Report an error in the passage at 43:30 Highlight the passage at 43:30

43:37 There's no other mic. So please say the questions and I will repeat them loudly. Report an error in the passage at 43:37 Highlight the passage at 43:37

43:47 Come on. Give us. Yeah. yeah so like how would you discipline my children discipline Discipline that. How would you discipline children? My goodness, many children are afraid. They don't want to do anything wrong. You just tell them, why did you do that? Tell them with kindness. Not with, what did you do? Report an error in the passage at 43:47 Highlight the passage at 43:47

44:14 You shouldn't do that. You know, you get mummy and daddy in big trouble. Be kind, first of all. And ask them what they really did and why they did it. He said, please never do that again. It's not discipline, it's allowing the kid to learn. And to learn with kindness, neither with fear. Report an error in the passage at 44:14 Highlight the passage at 44:14

44:37 I don't know, when you grew up, were you afraid if people found out what you were doing or why you were doing it? A lot of times we hide things. Report an error in the passage at 44:37 Highlight the passage at 44:37

44:49 And why people do that and hide things is ridiculous. Please, are you gay? No, okay. How many gay people we got here? Report an error in the passage at 44:49 Highlight the passage at 44:49

45:03 Okay. Do you afraid of letting people know sometimes? Why? That's really hurtful. You're born gay. It's just who you are. You should be accepted. And imagine you never feel guilty about being gay. What about being a Buddhist nun? Do you feel guilty about that sometimes? Never. There's only one of me. It's a bit lonely. Report an error in the passage at 45:03 Highlight the passage at 45:03

45:34 It's a bit lonely. Why can't you have many more friends? Sometimes people almost convince you there's something wrong with you. You know, that you're a guy. I know my grandma always used to say, you've got this really good degree. You could be doing so much in the world. Why are you becoming a monk? Basically, that's who I am. You know, sometimes... Report an error in the passage at 45:34 Highlight the passage at 45:34

46:05 People don't accept the idea of being a monk. But I've been a monk 51 years now. And just even at the very beginning, when I was ordained as a monk, the first three nights I woke up in Bangkok, you know, being ordained, with nightmares. Report an error in the passage at 46:05 Highlight the passage at 46:05

46:26 I'm being totally honest with you. My nightmare was that I was a layman, not a monk. I opened my eyes. So my brown robe was folded in front of my bed. It was like I made it. I was a monk. That meant so much to me. And I closed my eyes and had a very nice deep sleep. And the same thing happened for two more nights. It kind of convinced me this is what I wanted to be and I don't care what anybody else says about me. Report an error in the passage at 46:26 Highlight the passage at 46:26

47:01 This is who I am. So, well done. You be gay or whatever you need to be whenever you need to be it. And have a wonderful life. Report an error in the passage at 47:01 Highlight the passage at 47:01

47:12 It's not because you're accepting because you want to be cool. You want to accept it because nothing else makes sense. Report an error in the passage at 47:12 Highlight the passage at 47:12

47:22 That's why I've got over in Perth a couple of gay monks, actually more than one. They're great assets. They really help a lot of people. And also... Yeah, they are, yeah. Transgender. Almost. Yeah, novice. So, you're welcome. Report an error in the passage at 47:22 Highlight the passage at 47:22

47:46 That's how I feel. If you're going to be inclusive, the only way to be inclusive is to be forgiving. If anybody has made a mistake when they're growing up in life, it doesn't matter. Learn from it. You become so much wiser if you remember the mistakes you've made and never do it again. Punishment never makes sense to me. Report an error in the passage at 47:46 Highlight the passage at 47:46

48:12 Every time which I got into trouble, I only learned not to be caught next time. Report an error in the passage at 48:12 Highlight the passage at 48:12

48:21 I never realised why until later on in life. Report an error in the passage at 48:21 Highlight the passage at 48:21

48:31 Okay, that's one question. I've got to be careful not to give a sermon after every question. But thank you for that. Did I answer it? Okay, pretty good. Next question, yeah. Report an error in the passage at 48:31 Highlight the passage at 48:31

48:44 Then related to the previous question, how would you heal a child that has been over-disciplined and is the first step coming to having to be forgiveness for the discipline? Report an error in the passage at 48:44 Highlight the passage at 48:44

49:01 It's a good question. How do you overcome or heal a child who has been over-disciplined? You can see the results of that. They're so fearful. Just whatever they do, it's like they're not really living properly. And I can only say another personal story. This is a story of my own father. He died when I was only 16. Report an error in the passage at 49:01 Highlight the passage at 49:01

49:27 He was not a disciplinarian, and I couldn't understand that, because my brother and I deserved a spanking a couple of times, but my father couldn't do it. Report an error in the passage at 49:27 Highlight the passage at 49:27

49:41 And the story behind this was when I asked him about my paternal grandfather. He was from Liverpool. Any Scousers here? Yeah, good on you. On the back over there, yeah. This is the other side of the hills, the other side of the Pennines. But anyway, his father was a plumber and really hard to find work during the Depression years. Report an error in the passage at 49:41 Highlight the passage at 49:41

50:12 He would get drunk very often and he would come home, take off his belt, and he would whip any kid for any reason which he could see. So many times my dad said he was on the end of that belt. For no reason at all. His father, my grandfather, was drunk. He could endure that, but what he could never endure was seeing my grandfather get off his belt and start whipping his wife, my dad's mum. Report an error in the passage at 50:12 Highlight the passage at 50:12

50:46 He said, I couldn't help. And that was just so painful for him. But the other thing he said to me, if ever, if ever, He survived and had children. He would never discipline them. That's why a few times he got frustrated and upset, came into our bedroom, about to sort of hit us. He said, I couldn't do it. It was impossible. He put back all those memories, what his father did to him. It's wonderful to see an example of somebody who actually learns, a very painful learning. Report an error in the passage at 50:46 Highlight the passage at 50:46

51:28 Why? You shouldn't punish kids. They're just being kids. And now even in temples, Buddhist temples where I go, you see kids messing around, jumping up and down, making a lot of noise. If somebody ever tells them, be quiet. I say, no, be noisier. They're being kids. And then the result of that is so many children. Report an error in the passage at 51:28 Highlight the passage at 51:28

51:59 We've come to our monastery in Serpentine or city center over in Nullamara in Perth. And they really just jump up and down, make a lot of noise. They feel welcome because they feel welcome. I've been there for so many years now that when they grow older, when they become mature, they have different problems, but they know they're always welcome. Report an error in the passage at 51:59 Highlight the passage at 51:59

52:28 And they'll be listened to, never disciplined. But listen to them. And it's easy to make them understand, look, you get into trouble this way. So just be quiet and lessen off. Run about sometimes, but when your mummy and daddy come, be quiet. When I'm around, it doesn't matter. And that kind of works. Report an error in the passage at 52:28 Highlight the passage at 52:28

52:54 I see all these young people when they grow. Just recently there was a funeral of one of my disciples. She was really old. But her granddaughter was, I think, 41, and she gave the eulogy. And she said how much she enjoyed coming to the Buddhist temple when she was young, as a little baby, simply because, you know, the people understood her. Report an error in the passage at 52:54 Highlight the passage at 52:54

53:20 She could jump up and down and run and make a noise. She was allowed to do that. It became a second home for her. So later on in her life, she had a resource. resource which you would never look Report an error in the passage at 53:20 Highlight the passage at 53:20

53:37 That's why you're welcome, sir. Anybody who has difficulty is welcome. Report an error in the passage at 53:37 Highlight the passage at 53:37

53:46 Do you understand that? Sometimes discipline is to encourage people to do better things, but not through fear. Report an error in the passage at 53:46 Highlight the passage at 53:46

54:01 Another question? Report an error in the passage at 54:01 Highlight the passage at 54:01

54:06 Maybe we take one from the live stream? Yeah. All right. We have to warm you all up. so you are well Welcome to Ask Anything, because you're already forgiven, right? So even if the question is what you think is stupid, you've been pre-forgiven. So the question here is, how can we learn to not be conceited? Learn how not to be conceited. Report an error in the passage at 54:06 Highlight the passage at 54:06

54:31 Sometimes anything which I've experienced, so many other people have experienced as well. And also, what is the goal of Buddhism? Report an error in the passage at 54:31 Highlight the passage at 54:31

54:43 Why do you meditate? And sometimes people say, to be fully enlightened. Has anyone ever told you what that means? Report an error in the passage at 54:43 Highlight the passage at 54:43

54:55 What it means is, this was from one of the suttas, the Buddha's texts, that this man, he was a monk, came up to the Buddha and said, one who's enlightened never ever thinks they're better than anybody else, never thinks they're worse than anybody else. Never thinks they're the same as anybody else. The Buddha said, absolutely correct. And the second monk came up to the Buddha and said, exactly the same. Report an error in the passage at 54:55 Highlight the passage at 54:55

55:30 One who's fully enlightened never feels that better, worse, or the same as anybody else. The Buddha turned around to his attendant, Ananda, and said, those were two new enlightened beings. They are so enlightened beings who understand the truth. Tell me, But they're free. They never think you're better. Never think you're worse. Never think you're the same. Imagine what that feels like. Report an error in the passage at 55:30 Highlight the passage at 55:30

56:02 You can see it's just disappeared. Sometimes you do a terrible talk. You don't have to be the best. Sometimes you give a great talk. You never think you have to be the worst. Sometimes you give a different talk. Of course we always do. I, Ajahn Brahm, will never be the same as Ajahn Brahm. Report an error in the passage at 56:02 Highlight the passage at 56:02

56:28 We're all different. It's beautiful to know that. So I'm going to give you a warning. If you see any monk or nun or teacher come up here and say, I am enlightened, that again is bullshit. Report an error in the passage at 56:28 Highlight the passage at 56:28

56:49 We never say that. Why? Ajahn, I'm reminded of this monk, was it Keshu Dhammananda or somebody? Yeah. Who was asked, are you enlightened? And they said, no, but I'm highly eliminated. That's really good, isn't it? It was, yeah. Report an error in the passage at 56:49 Highlight the passage at 56:49

57:11 The sense of ego, self-ownership, pride disappears. You can do really silly things or stupid things. And instead of hiding it, you tell everybody. It's really funny. I always think it's funny, isn't it? You make a big mistake. Report an error in the passage at 57:11 Highlight the passage at 57:11

57:31 What's the biggest mistake you've ever seen me make? Report an error in the passage at 57:31 Highlight the passage at 57:31

57:37 Hmm. Oh, come on. Well, one of the ones that I heard was when you did a marriage ceremony, I thought she was... What did you do? You said, oh, is this the husband? And it was the father? Something like that? Did you do that? Yes. And didn't you also chant the funeral chant? Yeah. What else did you do? Report an error in the passage at 57:37 Highlight the passage at 57:37

58:01 Can I say one? This is controversial. You only ordained bhikkhunis in 2009, not in... 2000 or 1999 or... Oh, no one's ever said that. They usually praise you for ordaining bikinis in 2009. I'm just... Yeah, fair enough. You know, having a bit of a debate. Yeah. Yeah, true. Don't you think that was too late? Report an error in the passage at 58:01 Highlight the passage at 58:01

58:26 It was too late. It would be wonderful if you could have done it earlier. But with the other two, which are much easier, they were funny. But just not ordaining bikinis was a bit sad. But you did it. Oh, yeah, eventually. And I was very happy to. But this, some of these, please excuse me, but some of these men married these young Thai ladies. Report an error in the passage at 58:26 Highlight the passage at 58:26

58:53 They do that because a Thai lady wants a visa and wants a new lifestyle in the West. And anyway, this particular time, this young Thai lady came in to the hall accompanied by this old Australian man. To get married. And so straight away, I saw the two of them. And she was about 20. And he was about 60 or 70. At least. Straight away, I just assumed, you know, it's my mistake. Report an error in the passage at 58:53 Highlight the passage at 58:53

59:30 Oh, this must be the father of the bride. Or the father, you know, that's why you're coming in with her. The father of the groom. And he looked at me. And just he scowled and said, no, I am the groom, not the father of the groom. So I really was thankful to his daughter who was in the audience and said, but you're old enough to be. Report an error in the passage at 59:30 Highlight the passage at 59:30

59:52 And that was a bit of a criticism. I should never do that because I've seen, you know, sometimes this very elderly man really did fall in love with a young lady and had a wonderful life together until he eventually passed away. It's not always the case. You can just judge by age. It must be just an arranged marriage or something or marriage of convenience. But it was also, the one he didn't say, was that there was one of my disciples said one of his relations had died. Report an error in the passage at 59:52 Highlight the passage at 59:52

1:00:24 Can I do the funeral service? Of course. And then, now there's a funeral. Now the funeral service, I opened it up by saying we're here today to mourn the death. of my disciple's mum who passed away. And I knew I had a 50-50 chance of getting it right. And then this old lady stood up at the front and said, it's not me, it's my husband who's passed away. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:24 Highlight the passage at 1:00:24

1:00:51 Instead of getting embarrassed, I tell everybody and everyone has a good laugh. You do make mistakes. And the other one was, it's interesting. They had a marriage ceremony, which I did. The couple were very, very tired. No, I was very, very tired. You know, because I do a lot of work. And sometimes I'm so tired, when it came to do the chanting for the marriage, I did the wrong chanting. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:51 Highlight the passage at 1:00:51

1:01:20 I did the funeral chants. Honestly, I did. And I told... Actually, I didn't tell them straight away. I was a young monk then. But then I told them afterwards. And I said, no, I'm terribly sorry, but, you know, I... My mind, I thought I was doing the, what's it called, the marriage chants. I just got it wrong. But even though I was doing the wrong chanting, my heart was really pure wishing them well. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:20 Highlight the passage at 1:01:20

1:01:48 The words were not actually what my mind was thinking or aiming at. So they're still happily together. They didn't die. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:48 Highlight the passage at 1:01:48

1:02:01 Those things happen. And you can see the funny side of it. It's not intentional. intentional as you want them to never happy life, but just did the wrong chanting. There's a lot of stuff like that That's it. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:01 Highlight the passage at 1:02:01

1:02:34 I can ask you because you won't embarrass me. So I trust you. Indeed. don't get embarrassed about it because it causes so much happiness for people who listen to it. And you know the outcome afterwards was good. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:34 Highlight the passage at 1:02:34

1:02:21 What else have I done, Mr. Stupid? Report an error in the passage at 1:02:21 Highlight the passage at 1:02:21

1:02:28 we tried what have I done that's cheap nah Report an error in the passage at 1:02:28 Highlight the passage at 1:02:28

1:02:39 Sometimes you don't see what other people think is stupid. I don't see you're stupid. You've made a little mistake. Who doesn't? So because of that, when people make, I never expect people to be perfect. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:39 Highlight the passage at 1:02:39

1:02:53 I never expect me to be perfect. That's why you can be more perfect. I mean, don't expect you and put pressure on people. Look, honestly, look at your partner. All of you who've got your partner sitting next to you. Is your partner perfect? Report an error in the passage at 1:02:53 Highlight the passage at 1:02:53

1:03:14 To marriage counselling, I always use this and it's really good. And then I look at the wife and say, is your husband perfect? And then I look at the husband, is your wife perfect? He says no. I say, well, that's why you match. You belong together. You're both perfect. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:14 Highlight the passage at 1:03:14

1:03:38 Well done. So instead of getting angry at something which your partner does, which is kind of wrong or silly, please laugh at it. Perfect. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:38 Highlight the passage at 1:03:38

1:03:49 That was, you know, many of you may have heard of my teacher Ajahn Chah. I was with him for nine years. Every time I did a mistake, he would never scold me. Oh, yeah. You asked for something in Thai. Yes. In those days, it was a small monastery. I needed some soap, you know, to wash with. But I had to ask my teacher Ajahn Chah. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:49 Highlight the passage at 1:03:49

1:04:16 In the local language, which was between Thai and Laotian. And the word for soap is sabu. So I asked for some sabu. He said, what? Sabu. What for? To wash with. But then, instead of saying sabu, the correct word, I said sapo. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:16 Highlight the passage at 1:04:16

1:04:39 He was, what do you want sapo for? Sapo is pineapple. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:39 Highlight the passage at 1:04:39

1:04:47 To wash with. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:47 Highlight the passage at 1:04:47

1:04:51 That made him so happy. He laughed about that for days. And he said, oh, these people in London, they're so advanced. Much more advanced than people in Thailand. In Thailand, we use this soap. Over in London, they use pineapple soap. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:51 Highlight the passage at 1:04:51

1:05:16 And you can see the effect it had on me. I learned my lesson. over. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:16 Highlight the passage at 1:05:16

1:05:20 But you can see the effect it had on Ajahn Chah. It made him so happy. That's one of the reasons why I had so many Western bucks in those days. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:20 Highlight the passage at 1:05:20

1:05:30 For the entertainment. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:30 Highlight the passage at 1:05:30

1:05:38 I had a good time. So isn't it much better? It's also more effective too. The laughter. I didn't feel like I was hurt. Humiliating maybe. Well, I deserved it. I should have been more careful in my speech. I learned the word for soap and pineapple much more quickly. And he had another fun teaching. Isn't that wonderful when you teach with the way it causes laughter instead of fear? What type of world would you like to live in? Report an error in the passage at 1:05:38 Highlight the passage at 1:05:38

1:06:14 So that's why we get as much laughter as we possibly want. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:14 Highlight the passage at 1:06:14

1:06:20 This is why sometimes people ask, what type of Buddhism are you teaching, Ajahn Brahm? And I said, I'd like to have a synthesis, trying to bring different traditions together and use the H from Hinayana, Aha from Mahāyāna, and the Yana from Vajrayana. What does that spell? Aha Yana. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:20 Highlight the passage at 1:06:20

1:06:50 And that's a much better way to actually convey The beautiful teachings of the Buddha. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:50 Highlight the passage at 1:06:50

1:07:01 Instead of this seriousness, with this wonderful inviting happiness, and even when eventually you do meditation, so you start off with a happy mind, it's so easy to let go of things, be very peaceful and still, get into deep meditations, and go all the way to enlightenment. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:01 Highlight the passage at 1:07:01

1:07:25 Not through being serious, but being easy to let things go. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:25 Highlight the passage at 1:07:25

1:07:35 Any more questions? In the hall? Yeah, over there. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:35 Highlight the passage at 1:07:35

1:07:44 Can you paraphrase? So how can you forgive in a way that makes sure they don't happen again? How you forgive, you give that person trust. I trust that you'll be able to do this. That's one of the first things. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:44 Highlight the passage at 1:07:44

1:08:05 This was in deep meditation with all those dharmas. Many people think, not me, I can't do that, that's too deep. One of my jobs is to convince everybody, yes, you can. It's possible. Once I keep talking about that again and again and again, it makes it possible. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:05 Highlight the passage at 1:08:05

1:08:33 It may take some time, but certainly it's possible. A lot of times I was taught. You cannot ordain women as victims. I don't know the reason it took so long. Yes. Indeed. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:33 Highlight the passage at 1:08:33

1:08:50 But nevertheless, that's what I was taught. Because I thought it can't happen. That's one of the reasons why it didn't happen. Why don't you have a much more positive attitude in life? It's amazing what happened. I was telling last night at the talk, the night before I think, That even like sicknesses, one of the things which you do, which is kind of on the edge of what monks are supposed to do, which is very worthwhile, is like counseling people with cancer. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:50 Highlight the passage at 1:08:50

1:09:30 The reason I do that a lot is because, you see, it will us. And there were so many people who should be dead. They recovered. One of these guys, All of this over in Sydney came on one of my retreats. And the first day, everybody else in the hall complained about it. It was making too much noise. And the complaint was, Ajahn Brahm, can you please tell people to breathe quietly? Report an error in the passage at 1:09:30 Highlight the passage at 1:09:30

1:10:13 And I said, it's my fault. I should have let you know. That man is dying of a big tumor in his sinus. These doctors over in Sydney have given up on him. They decided to come on a meditation with him just in case. And about the nine days of the ritual, once I let people know that, people generally are so kind. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:13 Highlight the passage at 1:10:13

1:10:39 Never complained anymore. They actually just gave him so much space. Now you're dying. Now please, breathe as loudly as you like. They had compassion, kindness for him. And then he was meditating, always making voices, until the very last day. It's always the last day when this is. And then he came running towards me and said, Ajahn Brahm, my last meditation I did, I heard a popping sound. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:39 Highlight the passage at 1:10:39

1:11:10 That's how he said it, a popping sound. And he could breathe through his nose for the first time in madness. Then he closed up again. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:10 Highlight the passage at 1:11:10

1:11:20 Nevertheless, He gave him my quote. Something weird had happened. He wasn't imagining this. It surprised him. It was real. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:20 Highlight the passage at 1:11:20

1:11:32 And then it closed off afterwards. About six months later, I was giving another talk in another venue in Sydney and this guy came up to me and he said, do you remember me? Report an error in the passage at 1:11:32 Highlight the passage at 1:11:32

1:11:46 Please, each one of you, don't ever say that to me. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:46 Highlight the passage at 1:11:46

1:11:53 There are a lot of you I can remember, but there's so many people you see that sometimes you don't know. I usually say, yes, I remember you. You're the person whose name I keep forgetting. That's an excuse. But anyway, this guy came up and I said, actually, no, I don't know you at all. Who are you? And that's when he said he was that person dying of cancer. Of course, when people are that sick, they look not really close to death you cannot recognize unless they get healthy again so they carried on that meditation and you taught me now i'm in full remission totally healthy said i'm spending the rest of my life teaching others what you told me Thank you, thank you so much. I said, you don't need to thank me. You're in debt to me. I said, the only way you can pay me off is by healing other people who have cancer. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:53 Highlight the passage at 1:11:53

1:12:57 Once you've had three other people come up to you and say, thank you for teaching me how to overcome the cancer, then you're paying off your debt. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:57 Highlight the passage at 1:12:57

1:13:07 It's called like a forward paying. It's beautiful when that happens. Is there anything else in here? We have one more on live stream, but we'll go here first. Yeah. So maybe live stream. Leave it. Okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:07 Highlight the passage at 1:13:07

1:13:27 Practicing when you live far away from the monastery. We don't live far away from Wedding Monastery. It's always online. You always see so many sort of talks you can get hold of. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:27 Highlight the passage at 1:13:27

1:13:41 So what to do is if you have anything which is really amazing happen to you, where do you live? That's not far away from Anne of Cumberland Monastery in Oxford. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:41 Highlight the passage at 1:13:41

1:13:56 We have it online. You have it online. But also, that's one of the reasons why... You know, we're working hard to make sure this Amarwati Monastery, this Anukappa Monastery over in Oxford, at the south side of Oxford, actually just grows and grows and grows to serve more and more people, getting more monasteries all over the place. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:56 Highlight the passage at 1:13:56

1:14:25 This is the one which Ajahn Chandra has started. And this also means all of you women. We're doing something for equity, something which a lot of people never feel comfortable. Why do we have monasteries or churches or mosques where there's only men, no women? Report an error in the passage at 1:14:25 Highlight the passage at 1:14:25

1:14:50 I don't know how you men feel. How do you women feel? It's kind of disgusting. So this is wonderful. We have the opportunity now to show that we're really being inclusive for everybody. I admit this. Many people have told me this, and I agree with it. There's many things which I can teach men about which I cannot teach women about. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:50 Highlight the passage at 1:14:50

1:15:23 I've never had that experience of growing up as a girl, of understanding the pressures and problems which you have, which are not really understandable by men. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:23 Highlight the passage at 1:15:23

1:15:35 That's why we have women here. I had girlfriends. One more than one at a time. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:35 Highlight the passage at 1:15:35

1:15:45 I was heterosexual before I became a monk. Honestly, I cannot really totally understand what it was like being a gay. But one of the things which always really struck me, I gave a talk over in Perth once, and this guy came up, he was one of the leaders of the gay community in Perth, and he said to me, religion has been so cruel to our gay community. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:45 Highlight the passage at 1:15:45

1:16:14 And the way he said it, wow, it really sort of penetrated me. Being called to answer, you're supposed to be a religion. And I said, oh, OK, we've got to do something about this. Not just gays and just lesbians, people who are sick, people who have done some sort of crime in the past or whatever, and they're ex-prisoners. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:14 Highlight the passage at 1:16:14

1:16:40 Can't we do something about this? And I said, well, of course we can. But to fully understand you. You had to talk, feel, understand what we go through in life. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:40 Highlight the passage at 1:16:40

1:16:57 Imagine what it would be like for a woman who really wants to be a Buddhist but can't be a nun. It is not acceptable to make it. So of course you would just fight against it, argue against it, and make it happen. That's one of the things which I am proud of. Proud in the sense that you've done something with your life. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:57 Highlight the passage at 1:16:57

1:17:23 to get a big healing bonus here. Namsan Namsan. I do have some regrets. I wish I was in Cambridge. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:23 Highlight the passage at 1:17:23

1:17:38 Even further from Sheffield. Sheffield would be better, wouldn't it? Yeah, when we get enough, we can bring some nuns up here. Actually, that's an idea. Why not? Yeah, because it's my hometown. Yeah. Okay. Great. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:38 Highlight the passage at 1:17:38

1:17:55 There's one more here, right? Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:55 Highlight the passage at 1:17:55

1:18:00 Blockages. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:00 Highlight the passage at 1:18:00

1:18:04 You just stay with them. You don't try and get rid of them. You allow them to disappear. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:04 Highlight the passage at 1:18:04

1:18:12 A lot of times, there is always a bit of fear in meditation. You're letting go of something. And sometimes you feel there'll be a lesser person if you let go of something. You never are. that would be the lesson. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:12 Highlight the passage at 1:18:12

1:18:01 a better thing Report an error in the passage at 1:18:01 Highlight the passage at 1:18:01

1:18:26 you let go of something and you get deep in meditation even as like a husband with a partner as a wife you're so much better human being Don't be afraid. Please don't ever think that allowing him to meditate would mean your relationship suffers. It only gets better and better and better. If that doesn't work, I'll bend over you and kick my bum. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:26 Highlight the passage at 1:18:26

1:19:03 Okay, great. Last one, maybe. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:03 Highlight the passage at 1:19:03

1:19:15 My dad... Report an error in the passage at 1:19:15 Highlight the passage at 1:19:15

1:19:26 it's about how it's going to happen. I'm thinking about how I use this, and then I'm thinking about how I'm going to use this if there is something. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:26 Highlight the passage at 1:19:26

1:19:38 I'll just go ahead and answer myself. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:38 Highlight the passage at 1:19:38

1:19:48 Okay, first of all, he's saying that he lost his father. And how does he deal with the grief of losing a father? I often say about my own experience, my father died when I was only 16. I love that man so much. And I never cried when he died at his funeral or ever since. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:48 Highlight the passage at 1:19:48

1:20:15 The reason why I never cried, I regarded his The 16 years I had with him was so precious. It was like I was at a concert, a brilliant concert. If I was allowed at a funeral, I'd let people, if you really appreciated your father or mother or friend who passed away, stand up and clap your hands. Well done, Dad. That's how I felt. I felt privileged. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:15 Highlight the passage at 1:20:15

1:20:46 privileged to have been there for 16 years. I would have loved 25 years or 50 years. Sometimes I would have loved for him to see me now as a muck. But that wasn't to be. I'm so grateful for the 16 years he gave to me. And how can I ever feel sad having those 16 years? Report an error in the passage at 1:20:46 Highlight the passage at 1:20:46

1:21:07 Grief is when you focus on what's been taken away. gratitude is focusing what you've had. Thank you for those 16 years. It was the one who told me. Son, I'll just paraphrase it quickly. The door of my heart will always be open to you, son, no matter what you do, how you turn out. It was unconditional love. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:07 Highlight the passage at 1:21:07

1:21:34 That's what only a parent can usually do for you. Thank you, son. Please feel grateful. And say, thank you, Dad, for giving me that unconditional love. I will never ever forget that. And how I share that beautiful message with others. I write books about opening the door of your heart. I just... Go to jails and say, open the door of the prisons. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:34 Highlight the passage at 1:21:34

1:22:04 I'm going to say if one of you is opening the door of your heart to who you are, then celebrate your life. Never mourn it. Too much to celebrate. Can I add to that, Ajahn, and ask? Yeah. What about opening the heart to grief? Because I think it's a natural emotion. Right. If you're going through grief, open the door of your heart to it. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:04 Highlight the passage at 1:22:04

1:22:31 There's nothing wrong with being sad. There's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed. There's nothing wrong with feeling tired. There's nothing wrong with being sick. I don't know how many people who are sick who hide it. Instead just, if you feel you need a rest, take a drink. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:31 Highlight the passage at 1:22:31

1:22:53 Why not? I'll never do that. You know, there was this one lady who was giving a talk like this and she laid down. We had a Buddha statue. She had her feet pointed at the Buddha statue. In the Thai Buddhist culture, it's a real no-no. Worse than that, when other people were meditating, she started snoring. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:53 Highlight the passage at 1:22:53

1:23:13 And other people said, you're not allowed to do that. That's against the rules. We did have rules not to snore when you're meditating. But then when they disturbed her, I told his so-called disciples off. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:13 Highlight the passage at 1:23:13

1:23:28 She was a victim of domestic violence. She was so too afraid. To actually go to sleep in her own house. She hadn't slept properly for days. She came to our temple. She felt safe. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:28 Highlight the passage at 1:23:28

1:23:45 Thank you for coming. Thank you for going to sleep in our temple. So, went away. Okay. That's it. It's good. Okay. So it's gone? Don't know. Okay. Just keep it still. It'll be alright. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:45 Highlight the passage at 1:23:45

1:24:04 But from that time on. If anybody during a talk or during a meditation, they feel really tired, please lay down, have a nice sleep. If anybody moves you or criticizes you, I would say no. If there's some reason for the person wanting to go to sleep and going to sleep, please give them that opportunity. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:04 Highlight the passage at 1:24:04

1:24:31 This lady, it was the only place you could ever find where she could have a safe... Thank Report an error in the passage at 1:24:31 Highlight the passage at 1:24:31

1:24:41 you for being here in Sheffield, coming all this way and suffering the cold. It's not cold. You're very warm to me. So, yes, do you want to say a few words about other things? Other things. She was saying that please, you know, be kind and generous towards Anukampa Bhikkhuni Project. They've got a new monastery over in, a new residence over in Oxford. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:41 Highlight the passage at 1:24:41

1:25:38 And they've still got debts. They've still got to make it warmer. We've still got an ordination ceremony. The first novice nun on next Saturday. This Saturday. This is the next one. Last Saturday was a couple of days ago. Who is that? Yeah. She's going to be wearing brown. We usually wait until their robes are dirty enough. They can't be warm today. They could get some brown robes on. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:38 Highlight the passage at 1:25:38

1:26:08 Two and a half years nearly. Yes, wonderful. We're making it happen. And you're part of it. And after a while you see this place grow, grow, grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. And it's wonderful just to see how it affects our community. I've come all the way over from Australia to make this happen. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:08 Highlight the passage at 1:26:08

1:26:31 That's why we're trying to come over this way and to make... It's sort of the monastery work. And once it starts to work, it's for each one of you to enjoy and make the best use of. And I know it's just such an amazing organization. But soon it just goes grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. And I'm in trouble now. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:31 Highlight the passage at 1:26:31

1:26:57 This last range retreat, actually right now, I've got 30 monks in the monastery where I live. Too many. That's why we have to spend more time creating other monasteries where they can go and live. I'm trying to get rid of monks and nuns to make sure there are more places in the world that can really serve Buddhism in the best possible way. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:57 Highlight the passage at 1:26:57

1:27:29 So they can find out more over there. Shall I say something? Yeah, sure. Awesome. Yeah, so maybe one day we'll get 31 nuns. Maybe, but we only have a monastery for about three or four places available. So you think only three or four? But once we fall, we can send one or two to a new place and start a new place. So really in response to people's questions here about finding a community. Report an error in the passage at 1:27:29 Highlight the passage at 1:27:29

1:28:00 The way we can really do it, I think, is to create community, you know, because if we sit around and wait for community to happen, it just never will. And that's the thing with the bikini saṅgha, you know, if we're just talking about it or trying not to talk about it and trying to avoid the subject, it's never going to happen. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:00 Highlight the passage at 1:28:00

1:28:16 That's, I think, what went wrong in the monastic saṅgha, the monk saṅgha, isn't it? That there was so much kind of delaying of it and Talking about it and finding reasons not to, Ajahn Brahm was one of the people who said, let's just do it because we're never going to get there and people are suffering and people need each other. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:16 Highlight the passage at 1:28:16

1:28:35 So we're going ahead and it's the early days, but please be involved. I mean, this is one of the ways that you're already being involved. You're coming to these kind of talks. We have other retreats. In fact, I'm doing a New Year retreat near Sheffield in the Wurlow Spiritual Center on the 2nd and 3rd of January. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:35 Highlight the passage at 1:28:35

1:28:56 That will be about loving kindness. Excellent. So it's a nice way to start the year. Somebody on the livestream was asking how you deal with negative emotions and fear of world wars happening and all the rest. And I think for me, one of the ways is just to create the opposites, you know, and really try and cultivate harmony right around me in my immediate environment. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:56 Highlight the passage at 1:28:56

1:29:16 So this is what we're trying to do as a community. And you can join us online. We have... Twice weekly sutta discussions where you can talk with each other as well as with me and eventually other noms. And we also have mettā meditations on our YouTube channel, like on Zoom. So as well, you can join it live. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:16 Highlight the passage at 1:29:16

1:29:39 Silent meditation sessions as well, which is maybe a bit strange if you've not been to any before, but it helps you if you want to start a daily practice. Yeah, we just basically come together on a Tuesday and a Thursday and meditate for 45 minutes. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:39 Highlight the passage at 1:29:39

1:29:54 So you have this appointment with yourself. And you can find out more ways to be involved over there on the table where we have one of our other Anagarkas. Anagarka Chi is sitting there. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:54 Highlight the passage at 1:29:54

1:30:06 who's come all the way from Argentina to be here for the next couple of weeks so you can find out ways to be involved and yeah and support us so that we can become a community the lovely thing about the bhikkhuni saṅgha that's the community of monastic women is that it's quite new in a sense I mean it actually goes back to the time of the Buddha but because there's been this long gap of, you know, of of bikinis bikini. really having opposite. Report an error in the passage at 1:30:06 Highlight the passage at 1:30:06

1:30:35 opportunities yes of misogyny and patriarchy um that's kind of yeah taken away our opportunities in many ways um the advantage of that is that we can start from a clean slate and develop a kind of teaching a kind of community that responds to the immediate need of the community we find ourselves in so we don't have so much of the kind of cultural overlay that some monasteries have so it's fresh and it's hopefully going to be very inclusive and dynamic and we really warmly welcome you to be involved so thank you very much to everyone for being here and yeah tomorrow night we're in Birmingham not very far So if you can get on a train, come to Birmingham. I'm not sure if there's enough Wi-Fi there for the live stream. We might try. We could try, but can't make any promises. Report an error in the passage at 1:30:35 Highlight the passage at 1:30:35

1:31:29 It's not really on our list. And then Friday night we're in Oxford and that will be live streamed as well. So, yeah, stay with us for the tour. Birmingham is not as good as Sheffield. Nah. You can't say that because the Birmingham people might be listening. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:29 Highlight the passage at 1:31:29

1:31:45 listening I'll ask forgiveness. Yeah, ask forgiveness to the people in Birmingham and forgiveness to everyone here. So please forgive yourselves. Ajahn Brahm always tells his disciples, you're already pre-forgiven for anything you've done in the past, anything you're doing now and anything you'll ever do in the future. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:45 Highlight the passage at 1:31:45

1:32:04 So you're already pre-forgiven. So that means you can just enjoy the wonderful things you do and keep on doing wonderful things. So very good. Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:04 Highlight the passage at 1:32:04

1:32:17 God is all the seven. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:17 Highlight the passage at 1:32:17