When You_re an Emotional Wreck (page 51)

0:00 So reflecting on the way it is, we can see here and now, this room is like this, retreat center, shrine room. Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:18 We can be in here and we can not notice it or we can have views and opinions about it. Whatever your views or preferences or feelings, you just know they're like this. And Report an error in the passage at 0:18 Highlight the passage at 0:18

0:42 during this next week, there'll be a lot of kind of comings and goings we control it. Report an error in the passage at 0:42 Highlight the passage at 0:42

1:20 what we view about what a proper retreat should be or formal retreat and whatever you You know, whatever opinions, views you have, just know they're the way they are. You know, the kind of irritation or frustration or aversion you might feel, you can use all this for meditation. The important thing is the awareness. It is the way it is rather than, you know, try to just suppress your feelings or ignore or just get very upset and angry about Things not going the way you want and then not looking at that, not taking the opportunity to observe the way it is. Report an error in the passage at 1:20 Highlight the passage at 1:20

2:13 If one is upset about the way it is, we can use that. That's part of the meditation. Being upset is like this. Report an error in the passage at 2:13 Highlight the passage at 2:13

· · · silence, 1 minute

3:01 So unwanted things happen in any retreat, like the window in the temple. Electric motor that Report an error in the passage at 3:01 Highlight the passage at 3:01

3:13 encloses it doesn't work. High tech, isn't it? And there's a long pole. Or Report an error in the passage at 3:13 Highlight the passage at 3:13

3:29 we could get knotted ropes and hang them from the beams and learn to climb up ropes to open and close the window. A Report an error in the passage at 3:29 Highlight the passage at 3:29

3:40 good physical exercise. Then Report an error in the passage at 3:40 Highlight the passage at 3:40

3:53 the spotlight went out. Report an error in the passage at 3:53 Highlight the passage at 3:53

3:57 I noticed, you know, just in my own, you know, kind of mind, just that when things go wrong, things break. break or, know, things aren't going, know, you know. If the Report an error in the passage at 3:57 Highlight the passage at 3:57

4:16 window doesn't close and the spotlight doesn't go on, then I feel a certain way. I'm aware of that feeling. I feel frustration or... Report an error in the passage at 4:16 Highlight the passage at 4:16

4:32 because I feel that if the wind... Report an error in the passage at 4:32 Highlight the passage at 4:32

4:41 This Report an error in the passage at 4:41 Highlight the passage at 4:41

4:46 is the important Report an error in the passage at 4:46 Highlight the passage at 4:46

5:25 factor, isn't it? of wanting to get it fixed right away. Report an error in the passage at 5:25 Highlight the passage at 5:25

5:19 notice, in all of this, mindfulness is the, this, the... Report an error in the passage at 5:19 Highlight the passage at 5:19

5:28 Copyright © 2020 Mooji Media Ltd. All Rights Reserved. No part of this recording may be reproduced without Report an error in the passage at 5:28 Highlight the passage at 5:28

5:49 Mooji Media Ltd.'s express consent. And thinking and analysis and coming from, you know, trying to get something or get rid of something through the controlling mind. So like thinking, the thinking process, if you're caught into that, then you will end up, you know, always, well, it should be like this, it shouldn't be like that, and this is right and this is wrong. Report an error in the passage at 5:49 Highlight the passage at 5:49

6:37 And even like we can say, Buddhism is right. We think the Buddhist teachings are right. And then, stop there, get attached to the idea that Buddhist teachings are right. Report an error in the passage at 6:37 Highlight the passage at 6:37

6:54 Then the result of that, if we don't have sati sampacanya along with that, then we become people who are Buddhists who feel we're right because we're following the right teachings. I mean, the whole logic and the attachment to the... To the perception, well, as we become like that, we can become self-righteous Buddhists. We can feel that any other form of Buddhism that doesn't kind of fit into what we consider right then is wrong, or other religions are wrong, because they don't even talk about Buddhism or dharma. Report an error in the passage at 6:54 Highlight the passage at 6:54

7:40 And that's the thinking, and that's how limiting that is, thoughts, perceptions. You know, you're stuck with oftentimes very inferior kind of perceptions of yourself. You know, we can be very attached to very negative perceptions of oneself and think it's right. Report an error in the passage at 7:40 Highlight the passage at 7:40

8:13 Then upperception is being aware of perception. Perception of myself or that Buddhism is right is like this. You can see that Report an error in the passage at 8:13 Highlight the passage at 8:13

8:29 Buddhism, the Buddhist teachings, right, it all arises and ceases. And what's left is this. There's still consciousness, awareness, intelligence. It's intelligent, pure. It's not my purity as a personal achievement. It's naturally pure. And Report an error in the passage at 8:29 Highlight the passage at 8:29

· · · silence, 1 minute

9:36 notice this includes both the body and the emotions and the intellect. This is like the eightfold path. Report an error in the passage at 9:36 Highlight the passage at 9:36

9:51 Sampatanya includes, so the body is included. Report an error in the passage at 9:51 Highlight the passage at 9:51

10:01 dismissing the physical that we're experiencing. includes the emotional. And whatever state your body's in, whether it's healthy, Report an error in the passage at 10:01 Highlight the passage at 10:01

10:15 and weak or female or old Whatever it is, the quality isn't the issue. It's not how your body should be, but the body is included in this moment. Our perception, ability to embrace that which is. So the body is right now. In my experience, this body is here. They can feel it. Report an error in the passage at 10:15 Highlight the passage at 10:15

10:50 The emotional state includes that. The emotional state, no matter what way, whether it's happy or sad or or depressed or or clear or... Report an error in the passage at 10:50 Highlight the passage at 10:50

11:08 Copyright © 2020 Mooji Media Ltd. All Rights Reserved. No part of this recording may be reproduced without Mooji Media Ltd.'s express consent. Report an error in the passage at 11:08 Highlight the passage at 11:08

11:38 Because we're using sati sampacanya, then if you get caught up in your brain, your intellect, then it says, oh, you're having lustful thoughts in the shrine room. Report an error in the passage at 11:38 Highlight the passage at 11:38

11:54 You shouldn't do that. Report an error in the passage at 11:54 Highlight the passage at 11:54

11:58 You're not a very good monk or nun if you do things like that. You're impure. Because we're very attached to these judgments, these judgmental, critical... function that we have. But Report an error in the passage at 11:58 Highlight the passage at 11:58

12:18 Sati Sampatanya includes that, includes the judgment. You can see it doesn't judging judgment, it's just noticing the kind of tyrannical, self-righteous superego that says you shouldn't be the way you are, you should Report an error in the passage at 12:18 Highlight the passage at 12:18

12:40 be more, you shouldn't be selfish, you should be compassionate and loving, you should... That Report an error in the passage at 12:40 Highlight the passage at 12:40

12:52 kind of thing. Buddhism is right. Report an error in the passage at 12:52 Highlight the passage at 12:52

13:02 I'm getting nowhere in my practice. I'm... that kind of thing. The whole thing is Sati Sampatanya embraces that. You know, it's like it's just noticing the way it is. Report an error in the passage at 13:02 Highlight the passage at 13:02

13:25 So I can listen to my intellect, my superego. I know that. I know you. And the emotional state, the body, and it's patient with all this. It's not trying to control or anything, not trying to make any problem about it, but just as we relax and open to these things, then we allow them to, they change on their own. Report an error in the passage at 13:25 Highlight the passage at 13:25

14:02 They have their own karmic force. And we're giving them that opportunity. Refuge is not in thinking or emotions or physical body. So Report an error in the passage at 14:02 Highlight the passage at 14:02

14:25 just see this refuge, this simple ability to listen, be attentive to this moment. Report an error in the passage at 14:25 Highlight the passage at 14:25

14:56 And I always refer to the sound of silence because every time that I just open, that's what I hear. Like the edge of it. And Report an error in the passage at 14:56 Highlight the passage at 14:56

15:10 that contains, that embraces the body, the... Emotional quality or the thinking mind, all at once, you know, it's not like ABC or anything in tandem or in sequence, but in just the way it is, you know, just as a whole. Report an error in the passage at 15:10 Highlight the passage at 15:10

15:37 It includes, it doesn't pick and choose. You know, I want this, but I don't want that. And just noticing this trusting and Report an error in the passage at 15:37 Highlight the passage at 15:37

15:54 that each one of us has. Report an error in the passage at 15:54 Highlight the passage at 15:54

15:58 to really treasure. Report an error in the passage at 15:58 Highlight the passage at 15:58

16:24 on intuition that is like point that includes and embraces. Report an error in the passage at 16:24 Highlight the passage at 16:24

16:33 know, this is the mind, we have this intuitive ability, or thinking ability, which excludes the point you get through on an object. Report an error in the passage at 16:33 Highlight the passage at 16:33

16:45 point that you focus on to exclude or Or, when you're using intuitive awareness, it includes. It's the perception of a point, isn't it? Report an error in the passage at 16:45 Highlight the passage at 16:45

17:01 When you take it literally, it means one naturally excludes anything that's not in that point. That's a rational, logical way of looking at it. Like Report an error in the passage at 17:01 Highlight the passage at 17:01

17:18 one-pointedness can be seen in terms of one point that excludes everything. Because that's the logic of the thought. And intuition is non-verbal, non-thinking. The Report an error in the passage at 17:18 Highlight the passage at 17:18

17:37 point is in everywhere. It includes. So this is sati sampacanya. Satipanya, these are the words that the Buddha Report an error in the passage at 17:37 Highlight the passage at 17:37

17:55 uses to describe the path to the deathless. That's why you can't do it through thinking or analysis. Report an error in the passage at 17:55 Highlight the passage at 17:55

18:09 Definition, acquiring all the knowledge in the Abhidharma, Pitika and the suttas and all this and just becoming an expert on Buddhism because you might know a lot about it but you don't know it. Report an error in the passage at 18:09 Highlight the passage at 18:09

18:35 Like knowing all about honey without tasting it. Chemical formulas, different qualities. Report an error in the passage at 18:35 Highlight the passage at 18:35

18:46 Which is rated the highest and the best and the sweetest. What is considered common and vulgar honey and what is lower realm honey. You might know all about it but not know the flavor of any of it. Report an error in the passage at 18:46 Highlight the passage at 18:46

19:11 Pictures of it and portraits, Report an error in the passage at 19:11 Highlight the passage at 19:11

19:19 buddharupas, the whole lot. Report an error in the passage at 19:19 Highlight the passage at 19:19

19:27 But then this taste of honey in terms of intuition is like this, isn't it? If you just taste honey then You know, you're intuitively aware it's like this, it tastes like this, sweetness is like this. Report an error in the passage at 19:27 Highlight the passage at 19:27

19:50 So intuition is, you know, panya comes from intuition, not from analysis. Report an error in the passage at 19:50 Highlight the passage at 19:50

19:59 You can know all about Buddhism and still not use any wisdom in your life. Report an error in the passage at 19:59 Highlight the passage at 19:59

20:13 Commonly, satipanya, satisampacanya. I really like these words, actually. You may have noticed. Report an error in the passage at 20:13 Highlight the passage at 20:13

20:40 And then satisampacanya is not some kind of The thing you learn through acquiring it is awakening, learning to trust this awakening, Report an error in the passage at 20:40 Highlight the passage at 20:40

20:55 paying attention to life. It's not like you can acquire Sati Sampacanya through studying about it or through your personal efforts. It's an imminent act of trust in the unknown because you can't get hold of it. Define it for me. Describe it to me. Tell me if I have it. Nobody can say, well, I think you have it. Report an error in the passage at 20:55 Highlight the passage at 20:55

21:29 You look like you're mindful right now. A lot of people that look mindful aren't necessarily mindful at all. Report an error in the passage at 21:29 Highlight the passage at 21:29

21:44 It's not a matter of someone telling you or acquiring all the right... definitions for the word, but in recognizing, realizing it, reality of it, trusting. I Report an error in the passage at 21:44 Highlight the passage at 21:44

22:05 used to experiment with this because I, from my background, I spent so many years in university studying and so conditioned to want to define and understand everything through the intellect. I was always in a state of doubt because the more I tried to figure everything out, you know, Report an error in the passage at 22:05 Highlight the passage at 22:05

22:32 it out, but still wasn't quite certain whether I got it right or Report an error in the passage at 22:32 Highlight the passage at 22:32

23:03 emotions, you get to cry. You feel sad and you cry and you feel sorry and you feel angry and feel emotions like jealousy and envy and all the kind of messy feelings. But a nice intellectual frame of reference is so pleasurable because it's so tidy and neat and isn't messy, doesn't get sticky. Report an error in the passage at 23:03 Highlight the passage at 23:03

23:43 Wet and soggy. Report an error in the passage at 23:43 Highlight the passage at 23:43

24:04 But Report an error in the passage at 24:04 Highlight the passage at 24:04

24:07 it doesn't feel anything either. When you're caught in the intellect, then it sets you off from your feeling, you know, because your emotional life doesn't work anymore. Report an error in the passage at 24:07 Highlight the passage at 24:07

24:20 You suppress it because, you know, if you're attached to thought, reason, logic, then it has its pleasure and its gifts, but it also makes you very insensitive. It's Report an error in the passage at 24:20 Highlight the passage at 24:20

24:50 thoughts. They don't have any sensitive capability, do they? Thoughts are not sensitive conditions or ideals about all is love or universal compassion. The words themselves, you know, they have no ability to feel emotion or even compassion or anything like that. Report an error in the passage at 24:50 Highlight the passage at 24:50

25:19 So when we attach to the ideals, even though we might attach to the most beautiful, perfect ideals, The attachment blinds us. You know, we can talk about how we all must love each other and have compassion for all things in being and not be able to in any practical way do that or feel it or notice it. Report an error in the passage at 25:19 Highlight the passage at 25:19

25:53 So you're then going into the heart, you know, the emotional. Oftentimes Report an error in the passage at 25:53 Highlight the passage at 25:53

26:05 it's amorphous, where it is that you can't really... it isn't clean and neat and tidy like the intellect, the emotions can be all over the place. Report an error in the passage at 26:05 Highlight the passage at 26:05

26:26 then the intellect says, oh, they're so messy. Emotional things are so messy. Report an error in the passage at 26:26 Highlight the passage at 26:26

26:40 feel embarrassed. It's embarrassing. Report an error in the passage at 26:40 Highlight the passage at 26:40

26:44 don't want to be considered emotional. Ajahn Sumedho is very emotional. I don't want people to think that. I'm reasonable. I like that. Report an error in the passage at 26:44 Highlight the passage at 26:44

26:57 reasonable. Report an error in the passage at 26:57 Highlight the passage at 26:57

27:02 it's a, I just made it very emotional, it makes me sound like I'm weak and wet. don't know, at least to me. Report an error in the passage at 27:02 Highlight the passage at 27:02

27:15 cries, and he weeps, and wet, and he's kind of all So you think Report an error in the passage at 27:15 Highlight the passage at 27:15

27:31 of Ajahn Sumedho as mindful. That's life. life. Report an error in the passage at 27:31 Highlight the passage at 27:31

27:43 Intelligent, mindful, and wise. Balance. So Report an error in the passage at 27:43 Highlight the passage at 27:43

28:04 emotions are oftentimes just ignored or rejected, not appreciated. We don't learn from them because we're always rejecting them or denying them. I found this easy to do myself. So in this sati sampatanya, it's like opening and willing to be a mess. Let a mess be a mess. A mess is like this. Wet. Report an error in the passage at 28:04 Highlight the passage at 28:04

28:30 Weakness all over the place, being Report an error in the passage at 28:30 Highlight the passage at 28:30

28:38 foolish and silly, stupid and all that, all these, you know, it's like this. It's like Sati Sampatanya embraces all that, not judging, passing judgment or trying to control or pick or choose, but just notice it's like this. If this emotion is present, this is the way it is. It's like this. Report an error in the passage at 28:38 Highlight the passage at 28:38

· · · silence, 1 minute

29:41 So the point that includes, notice that it's the here and now, like pachubana, pachubana dharma, just this switching on of this attention, this imminent kind of slight shift, it isn't very much, is it? Just opening, relaxing and opening to this present, listening, being attentive. It's not going into some kind of real super-duper samādhi at all. Report an error in the passage at 29:41 Highlight the passage at 29:41

30:17 It's just like this. It doesn't seem like much at all. You kind of relax and trust, rest in it. It sustains itself. It's natural. It's not created by you. You're not creating it. Report an error in the passage at 30:17 Highlight the passage at 30:17

· · · silence, 1 minute

31:15 And then in this openness of this one point that includes, then you can be aware of maybe emotions that Report an error in the passage at 31:15 Highlight the passage at 31:15

31:27 you don't bother with. Like feeling lonely or sad, these kind of things. Or these kind of subtleties of resentment or disappointment. Report an error in the passage at 31:27 Highlight the passage at 31:27

31:46 The extreme ones are quite easy, because they kind of force themselves to attention. But as you open, then you can be aware of just the subtlety of emotions. Report an error in the passage at 31:46 Highlight the passage at 31:46

32:04 And not judging, just embracing it. It's not making a problem about the way it is. It's just knowing the way it is. It's like this at this moment. The feeling, the sannyas, waiting the sannyasankars like this. Report an error in the passage at 32:04 Highlight the passage at 32:04

32:30 Bodies like this, rūpa like this. Report an error in the passage at 32:30 Highlight the passage at 32:30

32:57 Notice if you open to like emotional feeling, the mood, without judging it, don't make any problem, whatever, you know. Its quality is just any kind of feeling, whether it's emotional or physical, learning to embrace it, to sustain your attention, like holding it without trying to get rid of it or change it or think about it, but just totally accepting the mood you're in, the emotional or the physical sensations, if they're like pain or itching or... Report an error in the passage at 32:57 Highlight the passage at 32:57

33:44 Whatever tensions in this sense of well-being, of embracing. Now when I do this, I notice that they all, you know, you're aware of their changiness. Report an error in the passage at 33:44 Highlight the passage at 33:44

34:01 Like you're willing to let something be what it is. And it changes. And then you begin to recognize or realize non-attachment. It's like, even though we say embracing, in this way, saddhi sampachanya isn't attaching. Report an error in the passage at 34:01 Highlight the passage at 34:01

34:25 It's not like, it's not upādāna. It's Report an error in the passage at 34:25 Highlight the passage at 34:25

34:35 letting, you know, like embracing, there's this sense of wideness, it includes, it's not picky, choosy. You know, it's not saying I'll embrace only the good things and the bad ones I won't. The bad along with the good, you know, the whole thing. The worm and the apple and the snake and the guy. Report an error in the passage at 34:35 Highlight the passage at 34:35

35:09 And it's like this. Allowing things to be what they are is not like approving, not saying that you have to love worms and want them in your apples and like them as well as you like apples. Report an error in the passage at 35:09 Highlight the passage at 35:09

35:26 It's not asking you to be silly or ridiculous or impossible, but it's encouraging you to allow things to exist, even the things you don't like to exist. Report an error in the passage at 35:26 Highlight the passage at 35:26

35:43 Because if they exist, that's what they do. Their existing is not up to me to say, I'm not God. Report an error in the passage at 35:43 Highlight the passage at 35:43

35:55 It's this part of life I don't want. Report an error in the passage at 35:55 Highlight the passage at 35:55

36:04 The whole thing, the good and the bad, belong. Report an error in the passage at 36:04 Highlight the passage at 36:04

36:17 Sati Sampatanya is our ability to realize that, to know that in a direct way. And then the processes take care of themselves. It's not like, Ajahn Sumedho trying to get his act together, trying to cleanse his mind, free himself from defilement, deal with his immature emotions, straighten out his wrong views, his crooked views, and trying to make himself into a better monk and become enlightened in the future. Report an error in the passage at 36:17 Highlight the passage at 36:17

36:55 That doesn't work, I guarantee it. I've tried it. Report an error in the passage at 36:55 Highlight the passage at 36:55

· · · silence, 1 minute

37:48 Now from this perspective then you can use upayas or skillful means so that you know it's not like this is all you know the idea that you should only do it like this or whatever but upayas means skillful means for particular things Report an error in the passage at 37:48 Highlight the passage at 37:48

38:13 that come up you know conditions or you can just be mindful of everything and that's you know that's That's true, you know, that's not wrong. But if, you know, some things are quite obsessive or threatening to us, and so then we can develop skillful means with that. Report an error in the passage at 38:13 Highlight the passage at 38:13

38:45 Like Lungphacha encouraged me, I got a lot of encouragement from him to develop skillful means. Because that takes panya, isn't it? You're using panya to just... See how you, how I would, you Report an error in the passage at 38:45 Highlight the passage at 38:45

39:07 know, deal with things that, you know, I could, emotional states especially, difficult emotional habits. Report an error in the passage at 39:07 Highlight the passage at 39:07

39:25 So it's like you can experiment. You know, this is, don't be afraid to experiment and kind of see what kind of, Report an error in the passage at 39:25 Highlight the passage at 39:25

39:38 using catharsis or different or just... Talking about with somebody, with somebody who listened to you, or thinking about deliberately, or listening. Report an error in the passage at 39:38 Highlight the passage at 39:38

39:55 One of mine was listening to my thoughts, like listening to somebody, the neighbors talking on the other side of the fence. And I'm just an innocent bystander listening, and they're carrying on these conversations, you know, about all the gossip. Report an error in the passage at 39:55 Highlight the passage at 39:55

40:18 And opinions, views, and that that, you know, I'm actually producing in my own mind, but I'm listening to it, like not involved, Report an error in the passage at 40:18 Highlight the passage at 40:18

40:33 not getting interested in the subject matter, but just listening as it goes on and on about what it likes and doesn't like and what's wrong with this person and what's wrong with that person. Report an error in the passage at 40:33 Highlight the passage at 40:33

40:50 Why I like this better than that, and if you want my opinion about this. And I just kept listening to these kind of inner voices, opinionated, arrogant, conceited, foolish voices that go on. And Report an error in the passage at 40:50 Highlight the passage at 40:50

41:19 I'd be aware of that, which is aware. And to notice, I'd make a note that which is aware. Report an error in the passage at 41:19 Highlight the passage at 41:19

41:28 The awareness is my refuge, not in this. These gossips or these arrogant voices or opinions and views, Report an error in the passage at 41:28 Highlight the passage at 41:28

41:57 that's a skillful means I found. But like learning to help each other in the saṅgha, listening, learning to listen to somebody, the developing relationship rather of preaching and trying to... Tell Report an error in the passage at 41:57 Highlight the passage at 41:57

42:22 somebody how to practice and what to do. Sometimes all we need to be doing is to learn how to listen. And with our own sati, sampacanya, just somebody else, they have an opportunity to verbalize their own fears or desires without being condemned or given all kinds of advice about it. Report an error in the passage at 42:22 Highlight the passage at 42:22

42:57 These are going to be considered skillful meters. Some kinds of therapy can be considered skillful means, like the Karuṇā Institute. There are a lot of monks interested in that. That can be seen as skillful means, Report an error in the passage at 42:57 Highlight the passage at 42:57

43:19 upayas that help us to deal with... That's where we tend to be most blind and most undeveloped is in the emotional realm. Report an error in the passage at 43:19 Highlight the passage at 43:19

43:57 So it's upayas, it's like, you know, it is, it's learning to, you know, you do have the wisdom to do it. You know, don't consider yourself just a, you know, if you consider yourself, oh, I'm not wise enough to do that, then don't even believe that. Report an error in the passage at 43:57 Highlight the passage at 43:57

44:16 But also don't be afraid to ask for help with things like this. I mean, it's not a matter of one is better than the other, but it's by Report an error in the passage at 44:16 Highlight the passage at 44:16

44:29 your own of suffering. Report an error in the passage at 44:29 Highlight the passage at 44:29

44:39 you find you're obsessed, something like things will obsess your consciousness, or will come up, or certain emotions, very kind of silly things can just you. Report an error in the passage at 44:39 Highlight the passage at 44:39

44:58 I don't want to bother with that stupidity and trying to get our samādhi and be filled with loving kindness. And do all the right things. And not see what we're doing. We're trying to become. We're trying to make ourselves fit into an image that is not unreal. Report an error in the passage at 44:58 Highlight the passage at 44:58

45:26 It's imagined. It's an idealized image. The Buddha certainly didn't expect that. Report an error in the passage at 45:26 Highlight the passage at 45:26

45:42 So this is entrusting yourself to whatever Report an error in the passage at 45:42 Highlight the passage at 45:42

45:50 way it is for you. That's the way it is. That's what you learn. Report an error in the passage at 45:50 Highlight the passage at 45:50

45:57 That's where enlightenment is, right there, when you're an emotional wreck. Report an error in the passage at 45:57 Highlight the passage at 45:57