Dealing with Anger and Irritation - A Practical Workshop (part 1)

0:12 Hi there, welcome back. Do I have to have a name tag? Report an error in the passage at 0:12 Highlight the passage at 0:12

0:22 one of these. Just two. Hi. Can you feel it over so far? Report an error in the passage at 0:22 Highlight the passage at 0:22

0:31 you're going to send me this. Hello here. How are you? Report an error in the passage at 0:31 Highlight the passage at 0:31

0:39 Thank you. It's Louis. That's you. Louis is next to you. Okay. Report an error in the passage at 0:39 Highlight the passage at 0:39

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1:29 Yeah, exactly. That's what this is supposed to be. here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, thanks a lot. There were two people sitting here. That's not my friend, but my friend, too, on the other side. Oh, okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:29 Highlight the passage at 1:29

1:48 I think it was you, right? You were sitting there and then you moved. Report an error in the passage at 1:48 Highlight the passage at 1:48

2:06 Did you tell me where you won't get out of that? Oh, I have no problem. Report an error in the passage at 2:06 Highlight the passage at 2:06

2:17 there, and there's some over the back. Oh, Yeah. Okay. So that one over there's good and that one's all yours. If you want it, put it here. Report an error in the passage at 2:17 Highlight the passage at 2:17

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3:04 All the way out. Report an error in the passage at 3:04 Highlight the passage at 3:04

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3:43 Yeah, I think you should do that. Come in. Report an error in the passage at 3:43 Highlight the passage at 3:43

3:54 Charles, how about order those name tags? Hmm? Name tag? Is Report an error in the passage at 3:54 Highlight the passage at 3:54

4:05 that a little taser's choice? Yeah. I had one last night. It's actually pretty good. Yeah, it smells better. I'm Report an error in the passage at 4:05 Highlight the passage at 4:05

4:40 also going to pass around this pad, so I have everybody's email address and phone number in case, well, I'm going to send out materials, and then also your phone number in case we need to. Report an error in the passage at 4:40 Highlight the passage at 4:40

4:53 Hopefully we won't, but into Report an error in the passage at 4:53 Highlight the passage at 4:53

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5:40 the projector. Report an error in the passage at 5:40 Highlight the passage at 5:40

5:50 Yeah, it's just not plugged in. Report an error in the passage at 5:50 Highlight the passage at 5:50

5:54 Yeah, you know what, it's in there because I'm used to you bringing yours. You know what I mean? You used to bring one for your computer. It should be in the case. It's a big black one. Report an error in the passage at 5:54 Highlight the passage at 5:54

6:31 It's not very useful. I'm going to have to memorize those. Report an error in the passage at 6:31 Highlight the passage at 6:31

7:05 everybody has a name tag, hopefully. we going to do gestalt therapy now? No therapy. Report an error in the passage at 7:05 Highlight the passage at 7:05

7:16 So welcome to this workshop on dealing with anger and irritation. Report an error in the passage at 7:16 Highlight the passage at 7:16

7:26 Emily teaching classes here for I think about four four years and this class will be for people who've been to my class before this will be Slightly different emphasis and slightly different style than what you're used to. I won't be teaching a text, but we're going to try to make this very, very practical and helpful for you in your day-to-day life. Report an error in the passage at 7:26 Highlight the passage at 7:26

7:53 So what I'd like to start with is introductions. So if everyone can say, we'll go around and say your name and maybe something that most people know about you. Something that most people don't know about you and then what you want to get out of this class. So something, your name, something most people know about you, something that most people don't know about you and then what you want to get out of this class. Report an error in the passage at 7:53 Highlight the passage at 7:53

8:28 So I can start. My name is Emily and one thing most people know about me is that I teach classes here. One thing, we don't need the microphone. the Report an error in the passage at 8:28 Highlight the passage at 8:28

8:46 We don't need to record introductions and all that kind of stuff. And one thing most people don't know about me Report an error in the passage at 8:46 Highlight the passage at 8:46

8:58 is that most people don't really think that I get angry. But I used to get really angry at my partner who loves to push my buttons. Report an error in the passage at 8:58 Highlight the passage at 8:58

9:14 So I took, you know, I've been involved in the Dharma for quite some years. No, I don't want to do the microphone for introduction. She can't hear you. Oh, you can't hear me? Oh, we should just turn that up a little bit. Report an error in the passage at 9:14 Highlight the passage at 9:14

9:32 Let's restart it. Hold on. Report an error in the passage at 9:32 Highlight the passage at 9:32

9:39 I thought I wanted to get green. Report an error in the passage at 9:39 Highlight the passage at 9:39

9:46 F5, maybe? Report an error in the passage at 9:46 Highlight the passage at 9:46

9:59 Try the F5 button at the top. That's the way. No, you don't need to hit the bottom on the bottom. Just F5. F5? Okay. There we go. Is your answer? Yeah. Alright. all right. Report an error in the passage at 9:59 Highlight the passage at 9:59

10:16 So the class purpose, as I mentioned before, is to help everyone understand what is making you angry and irritated and what's underneath that. Because oftentimes in the Dharma we talk about the disadvantages of anger and what you can do about it before you even really understand. Where your anger is coming from, you know, why you have anger. So I'm hoping to help you understand where your anger is coming from, what's underneath it, and then practical ways to first of all notice it, right? Report an error in the passage at 10:16 Highlight the passage at 10:16

10:56 We need to notice it before we can do anything about it, right? And, you know, so we don't just explode into rage and think, okay, well, what just happened, right? So we can notice it and then work with it. Report an error in the passage at 10:56 Highlight the passage at 10:56

11:12 Subtle and grosser levels. So I'm hoping that everyone here can get something out of the class, whether we have problems with rage or we have problems with day-to-day irritation or resentment, you know, hopefully you can all get something. Then Report an error in the passage at 11:12 Highlight the passage at 11:12

11:33 the format, next Report an error in the passage at 11:33 Highlight the passage at 11:33

11:38 slide. So it's best if you can come every week, you'll get more out of the class. It's also more helpful if you participate. During the class, you know, actually do the exercises during the class. Participate in any discussions that we have. And then thirdly, to be committed between the classes. I'm going to ask you to watch your anger between classes and keep a log. Because that is actually, like, if you get nothing out of what I say, but just coming. Report an error in the passage at 11:38 Highlight the passage at 11:38

12:16 Coming to the class every week and paying attention for the next seven weeks, you'll learn something. So as I was saying, mindfulness, like really noticing before you get angry, noticing the warning signs before you get angry is really the first step to being able to manage your anger. So doing the homework between classes is really essential for helping you notice. Because oftentimes we get angry and then two days later we think, oh. Report an error in the passage at 12:16 Highlight the passage at 12:16

12:48 And then it's not, you know, you can't really do much about it except try to not get angry. Report an error in the passage at 12:48 Highlight the passage at 12:48

12:59 Fourthly, be supportive and respectful of others. So, you know, allow others to speak and Report an error in the passage at 12:59 Highlight the passage at 12:59

13:08 then treat each other with respect. You know, if someone is sharing something, you know, to treat them with respect and not say, oh, you're full of it. Confidentiality. You know, if people talk about their experiences with anger or their problems with anger. Respect that and not go home and tell your partner, oh yeah, this person in class is really screwed up. So really respect. Report an error in the passage at 13:08 Highlight the passage at 13:08

13:37 People talk about their experiences. And then lastly, this class is educational. It's not therapy. So if we need therapy, then that would be a separate thing. Report an error in the passage at 13:37 Highlight the passage at 13:37

13:53 So what is anger? So technically, according to Buddhism, it's a factor of the mind. That being unable to bear a particular person or object or situation or idea, like a political position, harbors ill will toward it or malice toward it or wishes to harm it. So it's a mind that can't stand the situation, can't stand this person, can't stand. Report an error in the passage at 13:53 Highlight the passage at 13:53

14:36 politics, and kind of wishes to lash out, right, harm. Report an error in the passage at 14:36 Highlight the passage at 14:36

14:43 It exaggerates the object's negative qualities. So this is very key, and we'll talk about this more, is that it's not an accurate reflection of reality. It's narrowly focused on what is wrong in a person, not having a perspective on exaggerating, focused only on the negative. Report an error in the passage at 14:43 Highlight the passage at 14:43

15:16 Anger, different expressions of anger. Oftentimes we think anger means, you know, someone's angry if they explode, right? They express their anger, they lash out at others. That's what anger is. But not necessarily. Another expression of anger is to withdraw. Withdraw and be cold and be distant towards someone. So that's also anger. You know, anger isn't, I mean, patience isn't painting a plastic smile and pretending everything is okay. Report an error in the passage at 15:16 Highlight the passage at 15:16

15:51 It can be even more destructive sometimes when we withdraw. And then we create more distance with the people that we're close to. Report an error in the passage at 15:51 Highlight the passage at 15:51

16:02 And then sometimes people turn against themselves. And then that can lead to depression and feelings of helplessness and self-hatred and things like that. So these are all different expressions of anger. It's not just rage. And Report an error in the passage at 16:02 Highlight the passage at 16:02

16:25 I'll email all of you if you... Put your email address on that pad that's hopefully going around. I'll email you these slides. Report an error in the passage at 16:25 Highlight the passage at 16:25

16:40 So in this class, we'll talk about different variations of anger, whether it's just impatience with hurry up, irritation, annoyance, hatred, resentment, belligerence, spite, rage. These are all different variations of anger. So we're going to address all of these things in this class, hopefully. Report an error in the passage at 16:40 Highlight the passage at 16:40

17:19 So when I say, oh, you know, do you get angry? Oh, no, I don't get angry. You know, I'm fine, you know. But, you know, getting irritated. And we all get irritated sometimes, right? And that's just part of life until we get pretty far along the spiritual path. Report an error in the passage at 17:19 Highlight the passage at 17:19

17:39 So... As we said before, anger is this disturbed mind, right? It's this mind that kind of wants to lash out and really can't bear suffering or can't bear this person or object. Report an error in the passage at 17:39 Highlight the passage at 17:39

17:53 So I want to distinguish between anger, this really agitated state of mind, versus wrath. Wrath can be mistaken for anger. It's an outward expression of force or strength. But internally, our motivation is love or compassion or wisdom. And sometimes it's useful to express wrath if the situation calls for it. Report an error in the passage at 17:53 Highlight the passage at 17:53

18:24 And our motivation truly is good. So when I talk about letting go of anger and reducing anger, that doesn't mean that we just calmly... Accept everything that happens and never say anything and never raise our voice. Because sometimes we do need to raise our voice. If you have kids, you know this very well. Report an error in the passage at 18:24 Highlight the passage at 18:24

18:50 If you say, please don't cross the street and they start crossing the street, you may have to raise your voice to get them to listen. So if your motivation is genuinely to help that person, then it's not anger. It becomes anger only if we're... We're trying to hurt them, right? Or we're really agitated. So does that make sense? Is that clear? Report an error in the passage at 18:50 Highlight the passage at 18:50

19:17 The difference between anger and wrath. Report an error in the passage at 19:17 Highlight the passage at 19:17

19:22 Couldn't that be easily misused, though? Like, oh, I'm just having wrath. Yeah, yeah. When you really actually have malice. Right. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling wrathful for your own day. It's true. So this is something we have to be careful about, right? And really honest with ourselves. Yeah, we can justify when we have... Report an error in the passage at 19:22 Highlight the passage at 19:22

19:42 With anger, we want to justify it, right? Justifying it is part of anger, actually. Report an error in the passage at 19:42 Highlight the passage at 19:42

19:50 But I did want to bring this up, right? So we need to be careful about this. But I do want to bring this up because sometimes people think, oh, you know, I should just be meek. And sometimes we do have to, you know, speak up in a meeting and, you know, speak more loudly, you know, so people, you know, people don't talk over you, right? Report an error in the passage at 19:50 Highlight the passage at 19:50

20:13 If you have something beneficial to say. But this doesn't mean hitting people and yelling at people and telling them they're a jerk. If you're telling someone they're a jerk, that's probably not out of love and compassion. Report an error in the passage at 20:13 Highlight the passage at 20:13

20:35 Anger itself, this agitated mind, wanting to let you out, is always destructive. It doesn't solve any problems. Actually, it tends to create more problems. Report an error in the passage at 20:35 Highlight the passage at 20:35

20:56 So the anger escalation curve. So to Report an error in the passage at 20:56 Highlight the passage at 20:56

21:06 start, well actually always starts off as just as small, like we get little clues that oftentimes we don't even notice. Sometimes we think, oh, you know, you just flash into anger and, you know, it happens immediately. But actually there were signs of impatience and irritation before that. So part of this class. Report an error in the passage at 21:06 Highlight the passage at 21:06

21:31 It's helping us notice the signs before they escalate into rage. So Report an error in the passage at 21:31 Highlight the passage at 21:31

21:45 like the low levels of anger, maybe it just starts with impatience, goes to irritation, and then Report an error in the passage at 21:45 Highlight the passage at 21:45

21:58 eventually gets to anger and then rage. So notice how anger kind of starts off slowly, but then at a certain point the intensity of the anger just goes through the roof. Report an error in the passage at 21:58 Highlight the passage at 21:58

22:14 So once it's escalated like this, it's very difficult to stop. So anger management is largely about watching it and catching it before it escalates into anger and rage. Report an error in the passage at 22:14 Highlight the passage at 22:14

22:38 So I want to talk about three different levels of dealing with anger and irritation. First of all... What do we do when we're already angry? We've already blown up. We're already really agitated. We can't think straight. We feel totally justified in our anger. Report an error in the passage at 22:38 Highlight the passage at 22:38

23:05 Number two, which will be the focus of most of this class, which is stopping our irritation from escalating. So we have this low-level irritation. The guy cuts me off. Report an error in the passage at 23:05 Highlight the passage at 23:05

23:22 Instead of, oh, what a jerk. And I'm just thinking, oh, you cut me off. I feel impatient. Let it go. The guy, you know, the guy at works, you know, says something really, really insensitive, right? You just notice it, you know, Report an error in the passage at 23:22 Highlight the passage at 23:22

23:50 and you let it go. So we'll talk about various antidotes, right? Coping mechanism, coping strategies to help let it go before it escalates. Report an error in the passage at 23:50 Highlight the passage at 23:50

24:06 And thirdly, the third level is eliminating anger and irritation altogether completely. This one takes time. And we want to talk a lot about that because that's like liberation and enlightenment. Report an error in the passage at 24:06 Highlight the passage at 24:06

24:34 But, but we can, we can... So not to expect that by the end of this class we won't ever get irritated ever again. That's the fast track. Report an error in the passage at 24:34 Highlight the passage at 24:34

24:51 But we'll talk a little bit about that because we can eliminate these things. And we can certainly reduce our irritation so that they're just flashes. Like it's a thought and you let it go. Thought, let it go. Thought, let it go. It doesn't even affect your level of very Report an error in the passage at 24:51 Highlight the passage at 24:51

25:13 possible. Maybe not by the end of this class, but Report an error in the passage at 25:13 Highlight the passage at 25:13

25:26 practicing patience. So what is patience? It's the opposite of anger. It's a mind that remains undisturbed, calm, at ease when we're harmed or when pain or difficulties occur. When we get cut off, when our child starts screaming, when the co-worker, the boss yells at us. When we get criticized, the mind remains relaxed, calm, undisturbed. Report an error in the passage at 25:26 Highlight the passage at 25:26

26:04 As I was saying before, it doesn't mean painting a plastic smile, pretending that everything is okay when we're actually seething inside. So I think for a long time, before I started working on anger, I thought practice meant smiling and pretending that everything is okay. And I didn't actually work on that. Report an error in the passage at 26:04 Highlight the passage at 26:04

26:31 The thoughts around my anger. So ultimately it's remaining undisturbed or calm in the face of anything, any difficulties, any harm. What Report an error in the passage at 26:31 Highlight the passage at 26:31

26:49 do we get out of anger? So oftentimes we talk about the disadvantages of anger, but we get angry because we feel like we get something out of it, right? Report an error in the passage at 26:49 Highlight the passage at 26:49

27:00 So what do we get out of anger? Well, first of all, it feels powerful. It feels like we're getting some control back. So oftentimes, oftentimes we get angry because we don't feel comfortable with feelings of vulnerability or fear or hurt. You know, these feel powerless. They feel weak. And if we don't feel comfortable with that, you know, if we can't stay with just that uncomfortable feeling, that vulnerable feeling, If we have a strong aversion to feeling weak or vulnerable, then we can have a tendency to react with anger because that covers up these feelings of vulnerability. Report an error in the passage at 27:00 Highlight the passage at 27:00

27:57 We start feeling powerful and strong. Report an error in the passage at 27:57 Highlight the passage at 27:57

28:07 Also, we get attention when we get angry. People aren't paying attention to us. If I get angry, you'll pay attention to me. I feel like we get something out of it. And we get our way. Or sometimes we get our way. Or at least the first couple of times we get our way. But actually, over time, you know, if people come to get to know us as being an angry person, and they start avoiding us, they start ignoring us. Report an error in the passage at 28:07 Highlight the passage at 28:07

28:48 Oh, there she goes, spouting off again. right? And, uh, and it becomes. And expressing our anger becomes less and less effective. So maybe initially we'll get our way, but over time people lose respect for us, they start avoiding us, they stop taking us so seriously. Report an error in the passage at 28:48 Highlight the passage at 28:48

29:19 Covering up painful emotions, I already talked about that one. Vulnerability, fear, hurt, feelings of guilt. If we've ever gotten angry, someone criticizes us for... You know, having screwed up, and we know we screwed up, but we don't want to admit we screwed up, and then we get angry. You know, self-righteous, you know, how could you say that, you know, I didn't do anything wrong. Report an error in the passage at 29:19 Highlight the passage at 29:19

29:47 Covering up that feeling of guilt. Report an error in the passage at 29:47 Highlight the passage at 29:47

29:54 Lastly, we feel like it can release pent-up frustrations, right? If we've been holding anger inside, and then we rage and spout up. We feel... We feel relief in the moment, but later on, as Leslie was saying, later on we feel bad about ourselves. I lost control again. So temporarily it can release. Report an error in the passage at 29:54 Highlight the passage at 29:54

30:28 It's actually creating, the more we vent our anger, the more we express our anger, explode, the more we're reinforcing that habit of getting angry. Report an error in the passage at 30:28 Highlight the passage at 30:28

30:41 It was a theory for a long time. That venting and punching pillows and all this kind of stuff was really useful and helpful in therapy. But actually more recent data says that no, it doesn't help. It reinforces that habit of needing to lash out, needing to express, needing to explode. Do we agree with that? Report an error in the passage at 30:41 Highlight the passage at 30:41

31:10 What do people think about that? Actually, the psychologist for my son. Because I got separated and I'm two kids with a psychologist. She's teaching my son to express his anger, you know, with a pillow or with something. She said instead of, you know, go against your mom or your dad, get that pillow and, you know, throw it away. I said, oh my gosh, you know. Report an error in the passage at 31:10 Highlight the passage at 31:10

31:39 He's not practicing that because I'm not. I don't agree with that, but I respect that's the theory for her. Yeah, so that's still a theory that's out there. But other research has shown that that just reinforces that need, that aggression, that tendency for aggression. Report an error in the passage at 31:39 Highlight the passage at 31:39

32:10 My brothers and I had bataka bats who were children of the 70s. Do you remember those? Uh-uh. They were soft bats that you could beat the crap out of each other with and it wouldn't hurt you. And this was a therapeutic idea back then to give these to kids' toys. Yeah. I think it just made us more aggressive. We figured out that if you turned them the other way around, you could hit each other with a hand. Report an error in the passage at 32:10 Highlight the passage at 32:10

32:30 I think you can really hurt them. Exactly. And this was out of that free-to-be-you-and-me kind of mentality in the 70s, but it didn't quite work. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 32:30 Highlight the passage at 32:30

32:45 And, you know, I notice, like, for me, you know, I used to vent my anger a lot, you know, tell my friends, oh, yeah, you know, you wouldn't believe what so-and-so did and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, thinking, you know, it's good to express yourself, right? to work. Report an error in the passage at 32:45 Highlight the passage at 32:45

33:04 I mean, and that's very accepted in us. But what I noticed is, you know, after I was beginning to practice patience and things, it's much more effective for me if I just work with my own mind and counteract my perception of the situation. When I vent to my friends, you know, they tend to say, yeah, what a jerk, you know, and it... Report an error in the passage at 33:04 Highlight the passage at 33:04

33:34 It feeds my anger. It feeds my feeling justified. So usually when I vent my anger to my friends, I feel more agitated. And then I regret having done that. Can we talk about what to do if somebody's venting to you? Like somebody's really angry and they want to tell you all about it. Because for me, like what you just said, I tend to agree. You're like, oh yeah, yeah, it sounds terrible. Report an error in the passage at 33:34 Highlight the passage at 33:34

34:08 Yeah, I mean, I think, listen sympathetically, you know, and say, you know, it sounds like that was a frustrating situation, without reinforcing, oh yeah, that guy's a jerk, you know, you should, you know, you can listen sympathetically, and then if that person is open, sometimes I say things like, oh, you know, something Report an error in the passage at 34:08 Highlight the passage at 34:08

34:32 like that, you know, some people are totally not open to that at all, right? But at least not trying to not reinforce, like, how justified they are in their anger. Because oftentimes if we just cut them off too and say, I don't want to hear it, they get more angry as well. So that's not so useful either. Report an error in the passage at 34:32 Highlight the passage at 34:32

34:53 So listen empathically. Because it's good to be compassionate. I mean, we all know what it feels like to be angry. Report an error in the passage at 34:53 Highlight the passage at 34:53

35:13 I have a couple friends who are constantly calling me, who are just really easily agitated people. I've worked on my anger. I've had to learn how to work on responding to them differently. And I do the same thing. I actually, like you said, I find it very useful to acknowledge their feelings and say it makes sense that you're angry. Report an error in the passage at 35:13 Highlight the passage at 35:13

35:36 And then I usually try to come up with a way like, what do you not know about the situation? What are all the things that you don't know that could be behind this behavior? Report an error in the passage at 35:36 Highlight the passage at 35:36

35:48 There's an infinite number. Maybe that person did something else happen to them that day, or maybe they had a loss, or maybe they had something, you know, that we don't understand, and I try to point that out, like, it kind of softens it. Usually they, sometimes if you say they don't want to hear it either, but, and then I also find it helpful to be like, where is this feeling coming from? Like, you're just, you're hurt, actually. Report an error in the passage at 35:48 Highlight the passage at 35:48

36:11 You know what, you're really angry because your feelings are hurt, and sometimes it's hard, too, but, yeah. I find sometimes if you actually can break through with good friends, sometimes just having them own up to where it's coming from better. Report an error in the passage at 36:11 Highlight the passage at 36:11

36:26 I don't know. It's a work in progress. Yeah, and it really depends on the person and where they're at. One thing about anger is that there's this period when we're angry where we feel totally justified in our anger. We don't want to hear it. Anything about how we're thinking incorrectly or how the other person might have a point, right? Report an error in the passage at 36:26 Highlight the passage at 36:26

36:57 We're totally closed off to any input. And if that person is in that state, then it's not useful to say anything, right? And then we kind of have to know the person pretty well to kind of know how to respond. Report an error in the passage at 36:57 Highlight the passage at 36:57

37:14 I remember with my dad, my dad had this habit. My dad and my brothers had this habit of complaining about, oh, you know, the phone company or complaining about, you know, all of the wrongs done, you know, and they just really enjoy that, you know, you feel that camaraderie, right? Yeah, well, you know what happened to me, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, right? And I used to partake in that, you know, a long time ago. And then I stopped, you know, and I would just... Report an error in the passage at 37:14 Highlight the passage at 37:14

37:43 Listen and empathize. And then I remember one time when my dad was starting to complain about it, and then he looked at me and he said, yeah, I know you don't think that I should complain about this kind of thing. And he kind of re-looked at it. It's like he had a second thought about it. So it's really important not to be judgmental with a person who's venting. Report an error in the passage at 37:43 Highlight the passage at 37:43

38:15 be compassionate, empathic. We can reinforce their feelings, but we don't have to reinforce their anger, their justification. Report an error in the passage at 38:15 Highlight the passage at 38:15

38:34 So we feel temporarily powerful and get attention and things like that when we get angry. But in the long run, there's no benefit. Report an error in the passage at 38:34 Highlight the passage at 38:34

38:48 It's anger that creates wars. It's anger that creates conflicts. Creates difficulties in relationship. So what are the disadvantages of anger? First of all, it doesn't solve any problems, right? It might be temporary release, some frustration, it might temporarily give us some attention, but nothing is solved, right? Report an error in the passage at 38:48 Highlight the passage at 38:48

39:11 Whatever prompted that anger is just going to happen again and again and again. It doesn't solve anything. Report an error in the passage at 39:11 Highlight the passage at 39:11

39:24 And then if we respond to the problem with anger... We're creating another problem. Not only did we have that problem, but now I have to go and apologize to that person at work. Now that person won't listen to me the next time. Now I go back to work and experience all this tension. Now other people don't respect me. Report an error in the passage at 39:24 Highlight the passage at 39:24

39:57 So what are some disadvantages of anger? First of all, psychologically and spiritually, with anger, It's impossible to feel peace. Our minds are just not at peace and not happy when we're angry. Report an error in the passage at 39:57 Highlight the passage at 39:57

40:16 Like I said, nobody is happily angry. They feel powerfully angry, but not happily angry, right? So, you know, so do we want peace and happiness or do we want to feel justified and powerful? agree. Report an error in the passage at 40:16 Highlight the passage at 40:16

40:40 In the midst of anger, we're just consumed by what this person did wrong. When Report an error in the passage at 40:40 Highlight the passage at 40:40

40:59 we say and do things, we later regret. We say things that we would never say when we're not angry. We lash out at our loved ones, we lash out at people that we really care about, and we can say horrible things that we would never say unless we're angry. So anger kind of... It creates this kind of energy where you feel so justified that you just want to, you know, Report an error in the passage at 40:59 Highlight the passage at 40:59

41:34 but then, right, that ruins your relationship. And then we feel bad about ourselves. Report an error in the passage at 41:34 Highlight the passage at 41:34

41:44 It ruins our store of positive energy. So if we're trying to cultivate love and compassion and caring for others and then we fly into anger, you know, that love and compassion is nowhere to be found. And it takes a while to get. Report an error in the passage at 41:44 Highlight the passage at 41:44

42:04 It creates causes for a lot of future suffering. Think Report an error in the passage at 42:04 Highlight the passage at 42:04

42:19 about in terms of karma here, we create a lot of negative karma that we have to experience the suffering later, as well as ruined relationships and things like this. Report an error in the passage at 42:19 Highlight the passage at 42:19

42:33 It delays our spiritual progress and blocks us from feeling love and compassion. So anger and love are completely contradictory. You can't feel love and anger. At the same time, it's impossible. They're completely contradictory. Report an error in the passage at 42:33 Highlight the passage at 42:33

42:57 Interpersonal costs of anger, I'm saying it damages relationships. It destroys trust, right? Trust takes a long time to develop in a relationship, and then the more we act out in our anger, then the more we destroy that trust. Report an error in the passage at 42:57 Highlight the passage at 42:57

43:19 Also, it engenders defensiveness, hardness, fear. In others. So it's like if we've ever had, you know, a relationship with someone in the beginning, it's wonderful, you really, you know, there's all this positive energy and you really love and respect each other and it's just so wonderful, you really help each other out and then, you know, if anger is involved in the relationship, then slowly people start to shut down, become hard and defensive. Report an error in the passage at 43:19 Highlight the passage at 43:19

43:53 Not wanting to help you, feeling resentment. You know, it ruins the good energy and it really ruins the love. Then Report an error in the passage at 43:53 Highlight the passage at 43:53

44:12 we feel increasingly isolated and help us out because we're blocking off the good energy that we have with others. Report an error in the passage at 44:12 Highlight the passage at 44:12

44:31 Physiological costs. So there's a link between anger and high blood pressure, heart disease, digestive problems. Our immune system is weakened, ulcers, etc. There's all sorts of physiological costs. Report an error in the passage at 44:31 Highlight the passage at 44:31

44:56 When anger hurts, he says, each angry episode you have cuts into the fabric of goodwill, care and appreciation that's vital to your relationships. Report an error in the passage at 44:56 Highlight the passage at 44:56

45:07 Angry people are experienced as dangerous, handled like a loaded gun, with caution or downright avoidance. At Report an error in the passage at 45:07 Highlight the passage at 45:07

45:25 this point, I'd like to do an exercise. Ah, thank you. Do we have any copies? So I'm going to spend the next few minutes. I mean, I can tell you the cost of anger, or the disadvantages of anger, but you might not believe me. Which, you know, you shouldn't just believe anything I say, you know, really think about it and check it out. And if you disagree, you're very welcome to say, Emily, I disagree. Report an error in the passage at 45:25 Highlight the passage at 45:25

45:57 It's not useful to just kind of sit there and... Report an error in the passage at 45:57 Highlight the passage at 45:57

46:04 You know, not raise your objections, right? Because then you'll be benefited from this class. So I'm going to do an exercise. Report an error in the passage at 46:04 Highlight the passage at 46:04

46:26 And this is really important. I want to talk about the disadvantages of anger because the thing is, if we're still raging, we still feel like there's some benefit. Report an error in the passage at 46:26 Highlight the passage at 46:26

46:42 We feel so justified in our anger. And we won't really try to let it go as long as we feel... As long as we believe I'm still getting more out of anger than I would if I stay calm, then we're not going to counteract our anger. Report an error in the passage at 46:42 Highlight the passage at 46:42

47:14 So if you guys can fill that out in the next few minutes, and then when you're done, we'll take a break for about five minutes. So when you're done, just feel free to go wander about and get some tea. Report an error in the passage at 47:14 Highlight the passage at 47:14

47:39 Does anybody need a pen or a pencil? Okay, let's see. Janet, are there any pens or pencils? Report an error in the passage at 47:39 Highlight the passage at 47:39

47:50 Yeah. It's like when people are alcoholics and recognize they have the problem, we can start working on that. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 47:50 Highlight the passage at 47:50

48:04 So, I mean, we have to make it very personal. How has anger affected my happiness, you know, my life? And not just have it be this abstract, let's work on anger. Report an error in the passage at 48:04 Highlight the passage at 48:04

48:20 How it's adversely affected our lives to motivate us to really work on it, right? Because it does take effort. Report an error in the passage at 48:20 Highlight the passage at 48:20

48:35 ground I found in the questions was that it creates distance. And usually in relationships it's like finding a common ground and all of that. And the anger is like, immediately it goes like . It's like, if we're this close, all of a sudden we're jelted, you know, to opposite corners. Yeah. In that sense. Report an error in the passage at 48:35 Highlight the passage at 48:35

48:59 So it's actually achieving the opposite of what we're trying to achieve, right? We want closeness, we want others to understand us, we want others to listen to us. But anger, if you've seen from that, is actually doing the opposite. It's creating distrust, it's destroying the intimacy that is. Destroying the closeness. Report an error in the passage at 48:59 Highlight the passage at 48:59

49:26 I found too that the last question about the spiritual progress is that it actually stops. Because I find that I spend most of my time doing purification or amends at night rather than meditating on other things that might take me further. I'm just trying to keep an even keel. I'm in an echo chamber. Report an error in the passage at 49:26 Highlight the passage at 49:26

49:51 Yeah, Report an error in the passage at 49:51 Highlight the passage at 49:51

49:55 okay. Go ahead. Yeah, we're just kind of running to stay at our current spiritual level, right, if we're getting angry, you know, just trying not to fall backwards. Report an error in the passage at 49:55 Highlight the passage at 49:55

50:14 Well, every time I wow that, that comes down. about? Every time I, I'll just feel like I'm speaking at the Report an error in the passage at 50:14 Highlight the passage at 50:14

50:27 find that when I try to channel the anger, or not suppress it, but deal with it and use the energy convert it or engaging in some sort of a practice. Report an error in the passage at 50:27 Highlight the passage at 50:27

50:42 I can see directly how my practice is an antidote. And when it starts to arise at a low level, because I do yoga and other things, just doing breathing techniques and being mindful that I'm starting to get it again. It helps to just get rid of it so that I don't have the same kind of road rage in the car. All right. So in a sense, I don't want to say it helps my practice. Report an error in the passage at 50:42 Highlight the passage at 50:42

51:19 It helps my practice to notice it and then get rid of it. Report an error in the passage at 51:19 Highlight the passage at 51:19

51:37 I feel like we will have a conflict and sometimes that conflict will say something but then we have to get down to business. one of the things that I wrote down was like this silent argument. Where you're working alongside somebody and you know that person's upset with you and you're upset with them and it creates like a lot of negative energy and tension because you can't really resolve it with them. Report an error in the passage at 51:37 Highlight the passage at 51:37

52:00 So you're having almost a silent argument with the person. Report an error in the passage at 52:00 Highlight the passage at 52:00

52:06 Yeah, and you feel stressed, right? I mean, when you have that, you know they're angry at you and you're angry at them, but Charles, Report an error in the passage at 52:06 Highlight the passage at 52:06

52:17 you had something? Yeah, yeah, I don't think I was. I don't get this question answered tonight, but I find it hard enough to take responsibility for myself, and I do expect myself to take responsibility for me, and I expect others to take responsibility for their actions, and I think sometimes when anger arises in me towards something other than myself, another person, another human being. Report an error in the passage at 52:17 Highlight the passage at 52:17

52:43 I feel like it's justified mainly because I'm like, well, they did it from their side. They're causing this to arise in me. Report an error in the passage at 52:43 Highlight the passage at 52:43

52:55 Okay, we'll address that. And I can give you an example, but just someone being really mean or something, for instance. It's like, I didn't do anything. They did it. So, yeah. Okay, we'll address that later on in this class, maybe and definitely next week. When it seems like I didn't do anything, it's their fault. But Report an error in the passage at 52:55 Highlight the passage at 52:55

53:25 that's what anger thinks in general. I'm right and the other person is wrong. Pretty much most of the time we're convinced. Report an error in the passage at 53:25 Highlight the passage at 53:25

53:41 So we'll talk about that more. Report an error in the passage at 53:41 Highlight the passage at 53:41

53:51 Alright, so we'll talk about how anger arises. I'll go through this briefly. So in order for anger to arise, we need three. Three conditions need to be present. First of all, we need to have the seeds of anger. So if people have been going to Dharma classes, we've heard of seeds, right? We have the potential for getting angry. Report an error in the passage at 53:51 Highlight the passage at 53:51

54:17 And we'll have these seeds, this potential, basically until we become, Report an error in the passage at 54:17 Highlight the passage at 54:17

54:27 if people understand, the eighth bodhisattva ground, right? So there's not much weak. We can do about that now. We can meditate on emptiness. That's what we can do about it now. But we're not going to eliminate our seeds in the next seven weeks, most likely. So that's not the level that we're going to be working on mostly in this class. And the seeds of anger also give us the habit of getting angry. Report an error in the passage at 54:27 Highlight the passage at 54:27

54:57 The more we get angry, the more we're reinforcing the habit of getting angry. Often we'll get angry in the future. So it's kind of a spiral. So every time we try to counteract that anger, we're undermining, even if we just try to counteract the anger, even if we're not successful, we're undermining that habit. Report an error in the passage at 54:57 Highlight the passage at 54:57

55:27 We're giving that habit less power. So one thing about working with our anger, you know, it's important to not get discouraged and get down on ourselves. Just trying to counteract the anger we should feel happy about. We're reversing the trend. And then slowly, slowly we'll be able to counteract the anger more and more if we keep at it, right? Report an error in the passage at 55:27 Highlight the passage at 55:27

56:00 As long as we keep trying, the anger will... Definitely reduce. If we give up, that's the only way to not make progress. If we keep trying, for sure, over time, our anger will reduce. Report an error in the passage at 56:00 Highlight the passage at 56:00

56:25 So this is supposed to say one, two, three. In PowerPoint it said one, two, three, but in this software I'm using OpenOffice and there's some incompatibility. Number two, the object. Being close to the object. of anger or the situation, that person who's making us angry, that person spouting off a particular opinion, being close to that, that can ignite. Report an error in the passage at 56:25 Highlight the passage at 56:25

56:54 And thirdly, which is the main thing that we'll focus on in this class, is inappropriate mental attention, which is our exaggerated thinking, our thinking about how wrong that other person is and what a jerk and blah, blah, blah. The way we talk to ourselves. The thoughts that we keep repeating to ourselves. That is the main cause of anger on a day-to-day level. Report an error in the passage at 56:54 Highlight the passage at 56:54

57:26 And that's the level we really need to work at, is how are we talking to ourselves? What thoughts are we repeating to ourselves? Report an error in the passage at 57:26 Highlight the passage at 57:26

57:46 Okay, so how does anger arise? Well, the root cause of anger, actually I'm going to skip that for now, starts with a painful feeling. So anger is always a reaction to some sort of pain. It might be emotional pain. It might be physical pain. It might be, you know, frustration. It's basically a reaction to something that I don't want. It's our way of coping with things that I don't want. Report an error in the passage at 57:46 Highlight the passage at 57:46

58:23 We don't get angry when we get what we want. When somebody gives me $100, I don't get angry at them unless I don't want the $100. Report an error in the passage at 58:23 Highlight the passage at 58:23

58:33 When we get what we want, when we're feeling really good, when we're feeling really happy, that's not when we get angry. We get angry as a response to pain, to stress. So that includes feeling really tired. If we're really stressed out a lot, if we're really agitated a lot, we're much more likely to get angry than if we're habitually a happy, calm person. Report an error in the passage at 58:33 Highlight the passage at 58:33

59:05 So reaction two, pain. So we feel pain and then we don't get angry automatically because of pain. We get angry because of our reaction to pain. So this is really key. I have a stomach ache. I don't automatically get angry because I have a stomach ache. I get angry because... I really don't want a stomach ache because I start thinking about how the stomach ache is going to ruin my day. Report an error in the passage at 59:05 Highlight the passage at 59:05

59:42 I have so many things to do. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my friends and now I'm going to have to stay in bed. Maybe not with a stomach ache, but if I have a really bad headache, the headache automatically doesn't make me angry. It's my reaction to the headache. Report an error in the passage at 59:42 Highlight the passage at 59:42

1:00:03 So one of the ways to counteract anger is to deal with the pain, deal constructively with the pain. Instead of just reacting negatively toward the pain, we accept the pain. We just look at the pain non-judgmentally. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:03 Highlight the passage at 1:00:03

1:00:26 If I think, if I have a strong aversion to pain, then I'm more likely to get angry. I'm not supposed to get sick. People aren't supposed to hurt me. Well, you know, this is life, right? So we get hurt, right? If we have a strong aversion to getting hurt, then we're going to get angry. If I accept, well, hurt is part of life, it's part of caring about people, you know, and I accept that and I just deal with hurt, Report an error in the passage at 1:00:26 Highlight the passage at 1:00:26

1:01:02 accept it, then I won't get angry. So we'll talk more about that. You know, how we deal with pain. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:02 Highlight the passage at 1:01:02

1:01:14 But then there's the negative thoughts, right, on top of pain. When we start thinking negatively, that triggers our anger. Like, oh, exaggerate, focus only on the negative. You know, the guy's such a jerk. The guy cut me off, right? The guy cut me off. There are many different reactions I could have to that. Like, oh, maybe he didn't see me, or maybe he's in a hurry. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:14 Highlight the passage at 1:01:14

1:01:46 Or, what a jerk. People shouldn't do that, right? How we talk to ourselves is what creates the anger or patience. So we'll be working a lot in this class on our negative problems. Identifying what those are and exploring ways to reframe the situation. Exploring ways to think about the situation differently so that we don't get angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:46 Highlight the passage at 1:01:46

1:02:18 don't want to, destroy our Report an error in the passage at 1:02:18 Highlight the passage at 1:02:18

1:02:26 So pain without negative thoughts doesn't bring about anger. This says anger, in case you can't see that. I guess I won't use that red again. So Report an error in the passage at 1:02:26 Highlight the passage at 1:02:26

1:02:39 we'll learn to notice our negative thoughts and reframe them. These negative thoughts, we think we're so justified, we think that we're saying things in the correct way, right, when we're angry, but actually we'll see that actually we're not. We're narrowly focusing on what that person did wrong or what's wrong with that situation. You know, let's say, you know, oftentimes we get angry with our loved ones, right, the people we spend day in and day out with. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:39 Highlight the passage at 1:02:39

1:03:16 When we're angry at them, we don't remember their good qualities, right, why we got together with them in the first place, you know, how kind and considerate they are most of the time. He didn't do the dishes again, right? And then suddenly that person explodes in our mind into the person who doesn't do the dishes, right? It's not that person who never does the dishes, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:03:16 Highlight the passage at 1:03:16

1:03:44 The person who never does the dishes. It's not, oh, that person who forgot to do the dishes today, who's very kind and conservative most of the time, who helps out around the house at other times. When we have this perspective, we don't get angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:44 Highlight the passage at 1:03:44

1:04:02 We only get angry if we narrowly zero in on the one thing that they did wrong and make them into that bad, inconsiderate, lazy person. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:02 Highlight the passage at 1:04:02

1:04:16 A balanced person who has good qualities and bad qualities, it's a bad, wrong, lazy, you know, jerk. Right? So these negative thoughts are actually not accurate. You Report an error in the passage at 1:04:16 Highlight the passage at 1:04:16

1:04:37 need to notice these negative thoughts. The Report an error in the passage at 1:04:37 Highlight the passage at 1:04:37

1:04:47 root of all of this is... Is ignorance, grasping at a solidly existing self, which we'll talk about in later. So, and the focus on me, like seeing everything in terms of me, like if I get what I want or not. So anger is oftentimes a reaction to the ego not getting what it wants, to me not getting what I want. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:47 Highlight the passage at 1:04:47

1:05:22 Then I get angry. Or me encountering this suffering that I don't deserve. So we can see that because if my neighbor, the same thing happens to my neighbor, do I get angry? Or Report an error in the passage at 1:05:22 Highlight the passage at 1:05:22

1:05:41 angry if it happens to me? And if it happens to my neighbor, oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry that that happened. On with the next thing, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:05:41 Highlight the passage at 1:05:41

1:05:54 So we Report an error in the passage at 1:05:54 Highlight the passage at 1:05:54

1:06:00 filter things in terms of me and what I want and what happened to me. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:00 Highlight the passage at 1:06:00

1:06:09 So what happens is we have pain, then we react to the pain through negative thinking, which brings up anger. And then the more we think negatively, the more that anger grows. It's a cycle. Negative thoughts feed anger, which feeds negative thoughts. Again and again, and this is how anger builds. Something that starts off as irritation can build up into rage, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:06:09 Highlight the passage at 1:06:09

1:06:43 The more... We think about the wrongs done to us. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:43 Highlight the passage at 1:06:43

1:06:56 So here, the painful feelings, and we'll talk about this in the next class, or I don't know, in the coming classes. So the painful feeling that kind of triggers these negative thoughts, so it can be painful emotions, like the hurt and the fear and the guilt and the shame and the feelings of powerlessness that we're reacting to. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:56 Highlight the passage at 1:06:56

1:07:23 Trying to cover up. Or it can be physical pain. When we're sick or when we're overly exhausted, we'll notice that we're more easily angered. Or if we're in a lot of back pain, we have a headache, we're closer to getting angry. So something small can trigger us if we're already feeling pain. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:23 Highlight the passage at 1:07:23

1:07:54 Frustrated desire or attachment. So the more I'm really attached to getting what I want, the more I'll feel angry when I don't get it. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:54 Highlight the passage at 1:07:54

1:08:12 Attached I am to getting, you know, to driving 75 miles an hour down the highway, the more angry I'll be if somebody cuts me off and drives, you know, 65 in front of me and doesn't let me over. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:12 Highlight the passage at 1:08:12

1:08:29 If I feel okay with driving 65 or 75, I'm not going to get angry. If I'm really attached to driving 75 or getting somewhere as quickly as possible, then I'm more likely to get angry. So we'll talk more about that. And then it can be a response to feeling harmed or threatened. So we'll talk about that more. So does this process make sense? Are there any questions here? Report an error in the passage at 1:08:29 Highlight the passage at 1:08:29

1:09:06 So this is how we work with anger. We work on our thinking. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:06 Highlight the passage at 1:09:06

1:09:15 The situation has nothing to do with me, but actually anger is a choice. We choose to get angry or not based on how we think, how we talk to ourselves, or Report an error in the passage at 1:09:15 Highlight the passage at 1:09:15

1:09:39 to counteract them. So every moment of anger, irritation, we can decide. I mean, not that it's easy, right? If we have a strong habit of getting angry, then these thoughts just start coming automatically, right? So... But we can choose to feed them or we can choose to counteract them. And this is where, you know, understanding, really understanding the costs, the disadvantages of anger in my own life really come into play. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:39 Highlight the passage at 1:09:39

1:10:10 Do I really want to counteract my anger or not? If I really want to counteract my anger, then in the moment I will try to counteract those negative thoughts. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:10 Highlight the passage at 1:10:10

1:10:22 Otherwise... In the midst of anger, we feel totally justified. So when we feel totally justified and we keep feeding those thoughts, then the anger builds. So we need to have become convinced before we get angry that we need to counteract the anger. Because in the midst of anger, somebody says, you're trying to work on your anger, aren't you? Report an error in the passage at 1:10:22 Highlight the passage at 1:10:22

1:10:47 We'll get angry at them because we feel totally justified in the middle. How about the anger? Report an error in the passage at 1:10:47 Highlight the passage at 1:10:47

1:11:00 Others cannot make us angry. We tend to say, oh, he made me so angry. But others can't make us angry. We Report an error in the passage at 1:11:00 Highlight the passage at 1:11:00

1:11:16 contribute in conditions. There can be a provocative situation. But knowing can make us angry depends on us, how we think about things. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:16 Highlight the passage at 1:11:16

1:11:32 We can cause our anger through our negative thinking. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:32 Highlight the passage at 1:11:32

1:11:42 Think about that as a choice. We choose to get angry. Others can't make us angry unless we accept their invitation. I Report an error in the passage at 1:11:42 Highlight the passage at 1:11:42

1:12:01 think there's a habitual aspect to anger, too, that has to do with that mind of irritation you were talking about. If you're habituated towards anger, you can flash into it less than a second. And that's the thing that's been the hardest thing for me to unwind, is that trigger reaction. It's probably for many lifetimes, not just this one. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:01 Highlight the passage at 1:12:01

1:12:24 And so that even if you understand that anger is a choice and all the reasons why anger is a disadvantage, you still have that air trigger reaction. Right. And, you know, it's almost like a physical reaction in that case. Yeah. So we'll talk about how we can deal with that. Yeah, I mean, for sure. It's not that we're, you know, it's easy, right? Right. It's not that... Report an error in the passage at 1:12:24 Highlight the passage at 1:12:24

1:12:49 When the situation arises and we calmly think, oh, should I get angry or not? It's not like that, right? We have the habit, right? But we do have a choice whether or not we try to counteract it or not. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:49 Highlight the passage at 1:12:49

1:13:10 So I'm not trying to, you know, I don't want to say that it's easy, right? Because of course it's not. If it was easy, then we wouldn't be angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:10 Highlight the passage at 1:13:10

1:13:20 But we have a choice. What we do in that particular situation, whether or not we try to counteract it. Joe? I think that having heard this paradigm, all of us in this room have a choice about it, but I'm not sure that it's a choice for everyone, at least in Western culture. I'm thinking about my nieces and nephews who are growing up watching television all the time and having anger model all the time in the family. I don't think that... Report an error in the passage at 1:13:20 Highlight the passage at 1:13:20

1:13:52 they've ever been given the opportunity to think about it as a choice, to see another of handling a situation that would be provocative or that would make someone angry. I agree. On television or on the family, like, I've just never seen it. So if they haven't heard this before, that possibility hasn't been presented to them. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:52 Highlight the passage at 1:13:52

1:14:11 So this is, I'm glad you brought up that point. So this is for us who are here, who have heard the teachings. Right? That, uh... Once we understand that anger is created through our own negative thinking, then we have a choice. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:11 Highlight the passage at 1:14:11

1:14:33 But yeah, one thing I want to really caution everybody is not to expect that others have control over their anger. Because others are in different situations, others haven't. Haven't heard the teachings, you know, they have different conditioning. So oftentimes when we, you know, when we go to class and we learn things, then we start having expectations that others should behave. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:33 Highlight the passage at 1:14:33

1:14:57 You know, I'm working on my anger, so you should work on your anger, too. Now, don't do that. You'll get some pissed off people at you, right? So this is for, you know, me, myself, ah, and I, right? I can work on my anger and I can work on my compassion for others who have anger, right? But not expecting others to be able to work with their anger as well. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:57 Highlight the passage at 1:14:57

1:15:28 I mean, that's one of the keys to having patience is understanding that others aren't able to control their anger yet. Just like I haven't been able to control my anger. If Report an error in the passage at 1:15:28 Highlight the passage at 1:15:28

1:15:47 you haven't heard the methods, then how can we expect? And then some people have really strong habits and conditioning, right? So the stronger the habit, the stronger the conditioning, the harder it is to counteract. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:47 Highlight the passage at 1:15:47

1:16:03 Carla? I just think that in my mind the possibilities started showing up. You know, like, of course you could tell me that five years ago and say, yeah, yeah. But I think the possibility only started showing up in my mind was when there was that discernment, just because I'm not getting angry at this right. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:03 Highlight the passage at 1:16:03

1:16:31 Yeah. Because there's that thing that I have to get angry because this person is not right. You know, when there's some harm involved or some wrongdoing from the other person. So there's a very tricky situation where, you know, they really did something wrong and I must be angry at them. There's no other reaction that I should be having. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:31 Highlight the passage at 1:16:31

1:16:54 Yeah, yeah, that's important. It's important, right? So, yeah, so oftentimes we think if we don't get angry then they're going to get away with it. Right? So... When we're angry, we don't think clearly. When somebody tells us off, is that going to help us improve our behavior? Usually not. But if somebody speaks kindly to me and tells me that maybe this behavior is... Report an error in the passage at 1:16:54 Highlight the passage at 1:16:54

1:17:33 If they say it out of my own interest, then maybe I'll be willing to look at it and change. But if someone gets angry at me and tells me off, I'm less likely to change than if it's done in a constructive way. So similarly, when somebody else has done something wrong, we can practice patience and not get angry, but we can try to find a helpful way to let them know. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:33 Highlight the passage at 1:17:33

1:18:05 or harmful or something like that. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:05 Highlight the passage at 1:18:05

1:18:12 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anger, well anger. doesn't help, so we can't clearly about solutions. That's where wrath comes in. Yeah, exactly. yeah, exactly. So if we, if we can. Stay calm and clear and then we can think of constructive ways to help. And then it might be a wrathful way to help. But that wouldn't be the same as being angry. So we'll talk more about hopefully effectively communicating as opposed to communicating out of anger. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:12 Highlight the passage at 1:18:12

1:18:55 But how do we communicate in a way that's more likely for the other person to listen? Report an error in the passage at 1:18:55 Highlight the passage at 1:18:55

1:19:05 Not that that's my strong point, but I have that idea, right? We'll cover that point. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:05 Highlight the passage at 1:19:05

1:19:16 We're almost to the end, so I need to skip and we'll cover some of those other things later. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:16 Highlight the passage at 1:19:16

1:19:33 So the homework for this week. Okay, so if we're already angry, how do we deal with that? So the first thing to do is stop and not react. Whatever you say when you're angry will not be helpful. Mind if Report an error in the passage at 1:19:33 Highlight the passage at 1:19:33

1:20:08 we go a few minutes over? Report an error in the passage at 1:20:08 Highlight the passage at 1:20:08

1:20:13 Noticing. So first of all, we need to notice. So we can notice when we're becoming angry or are already angry. One way is through our thoughts. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:13 Highlight the passage at 1:20:13

1:20:27 Like, what a jerk. That's a good clue, right? Or, gosh, he's so inconsiderate, right? Another negative thought that will lead to anger. Or, he always does that. Always, never are good clues that we're exaggerating the situation, right? And that will lead, that leads to anger. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:27 Highlight the passage at 1:20:27

1:20:55 Catastrophizing. What a disaster! Report an error in the passage at 1:20:55 Highlight the passage at 1:20:55

1:21:01 So these are clues that maybe we can counteract those thoughts that maybe we're not accurate. I put these up there because these are very common. So notice if a particular negative thought is arising and stop. I'll say that I won't give you that. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:01 Highlight the passage at 1:21:01

1:21:25 I'm saying this to myself. This is triggering anger. Breathe. Don't do anything. Don't say anything. Don't write a seething email back to somebody. Don't ever write an email when you're angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:25 Highlight the passage at 1:21:25

1:21:47 So Report an error in the passage at 1:21:47 Highlight the passage at 1:21:47

1:21:54 we may notice certain thoughts or bodily sensations. So when we get angry. Maybe our face gets flushed. Our heart starts to pound. Maybe some people feel like something in the pit of their stomach. Maybe we start feeling tense. Our shoulders tense up. Tightening the jaw. Tightening the jaw. So the bodily sensations are different for different people. So the key is to notice what happens with you. Jaw clenched. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:54 Highlight the passage at 1:21:54

1:22:33 It's clenched. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:33 Highlight the passage at 1:22:33

1:22:40 So the exercise for this week is being mindful. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:40 Highlight the passage at 1:22:40

1:22:46 First of all, not reacting, not saying anything, not writing anything, not punching anybody when we're angry. Like if it's road rage, if somebody cuts us off, don't try to run them off the road or get too close to them. Don't react. Sometimes people follow. like this close behind you, you know, if you've cut them off, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:22:46 Highlight the passage at 1:22:46

1:23:14 So try not to react. And then just try to be mindful and just notice, like without judgment, just notice the thoughts and the bodily sensations arising. Oh, because that will get your mind off of the story, the negative thoughts. It's like, oh, Report an error in the passage at 1:23:14 Highlight the passage at 1:23:14

1:23:43 this tape recording of what a jerk, what a jerk, what a jerk, what a jerk, that just kind of automatically arose. You know, that's interesting. So just notice, just try to notice your physical reactions, the thoughts that are automatically, right? Notice them without reacting. And breathing, right? Like sometimes, you know, it's been advised, you know, count to ten, you know, just take deep breaths. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:43 Highlight the passage at 1:23:43

1:24:11 It starts to relieve the stress. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:11 Highlight the passage at 1:24:11

1:24:17 And if you need to, take a time out. Take distance from that particular person or that particular situation, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:24:17 Highlight the passage at 1:24:17

1:24:28 Take a walk, Report an error in the passage at 1:24:28 Highlight the passage at 1:24:28

1:24:33 exercise, meditate, because we have a lot of energy with anger. Sometimes we need to expel the energy, not by punching a pillow because that's increasing aggression, but doing something with that energy, running, doing the treadmill, lifting weights, something to expel that energy that's not increasing your aggression. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:33 Highlight the passage at 1:24:33

1:25:00 Envision that you're punching them, but just expel the energy if Report an error in the passage at 1:25:00 Highlight the passage at 1:25:00

1:25:09 you can. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:09 Highlight the passage at 1:25:09

1:25:13 And then whatever you do, try not to feed your negative thoughts. They're automatically coming up. But just watch them as an objective observer, like, oh, this is interesting. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:13 Highlight the passage at 1:25:13

1:25:28 Or try to apply some antidotes. If you know some antidotes, we haven't talked about any yet today. One thing that might be useful to try is, will anger help? Will anger help in this situation? And another one that I find really useful is, is anger going to make me happy? Report an error in the passage at 1:25:28 Highlight the passage at 1:25:28

1:25:54 I noticed, I remember one day when I discovered this one, I was feeling totally justified. This guy at work did this thing that was bad. It was just wrong. And I knew it was wrong. And I kept justifying because it's wrong. It's wrong. I should be angry. And then I thought, but will anger help? Well, will anger make me happy? Report an error in the passage at 1:25:54 Highlight the passage at 1:25:54

1:26:20 And it was very clear that anger was not making me happy. So then I was able to let it go. Okay, well, is it really worth it to feed it no matter how justified we are? Is it worth it situation? Report an error in the passage at 1:26:20 Highlight the passage at 1:26:20

1:26:40 The more we try to justify it, the more it builds. If we're more focused on peace and happiness, then we're more likely to let it go. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:40 Highlight the passage at 1:26:40

1:26:51 Don't feed whatever you do. Like if you take a time out from a person and you want to come back and talk to them later, when you're away, don't think, you know, don't ruminate about all of the wrongs that that person has done, because when you come back, you'll be even more angry, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:26:51 Highlight the passage at 1:26:51

1:27:11 But if you think, oh, you know, they're just having a bad day or having a hard time or... That will help lessen the anger. Report an error in the passage at 1:27:11 Highlight the passage at 1:27:11

1:27:26 Once you've calmed down, then you're better able to constructively deal with the situation. Please, I implore you, don't deal with the situation when you're in the midst of anger. You will regret it. You will regret what you say and what you do. Or even if you don't say the wrong things, the tone of voice that you'll use, the other person will pick up on. Report an error in the passage at 1:27:26 Highlight the passage at 1:27:26

1:28:05 We talked about noticing when you become angry, taking a time out, and then completing the anger log. So that's the last thing. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:05 Highlight the passage at 1:28:05

1:28:15 Oh, actually, maybe I need a copy. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:15 Highlight the passage at 1:28:15

1:28:40 I'm going to ask you throughout this class, or this workshop, through the next seven classes, to fill out this anger log. At the end of every day, review your day. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:40 Highlight the passage at 1:28:40

1:28:52 When did I become irritated? When did I become angry? Et cetera. And this will really help you notice it. Right, so we can hand out more copies if we need in the future. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:52 Highlight the passage at 1:28:52

1:29:19 Does everybody have a copy of this? Who still needs a copy of the Anger Law, whether or not you want it, but who still doesn't have one? Report an error in the passage at 1:29:19 Highlight the passage at 1:29:19

1:29:31 So this is painful, right, to fill out, but... Huh? Can I make coffee if I need coffee? Report an error in the passage at 1:29:31 Highlight the passage at 1:29:31

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:29:36 This is really useful. When we have to fill something out at the end of the day, then the next day we're going to be more mindful. I don't want to have to put five things on my angle of tomorrow. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:36 Highlight the passage at 1:29:36

1:29:50 Does everybody have one now? Report an error in the passage at 1:29:50 Highlight the passage at 1:29:50

1:29:57 So the first page I have just a sample, and then the rest are blank. So let me just go through each of the columns. The first one is a description of the triggering circumstance. What happened? What are the facts? like not my opinions about things what are the facts someone cut me off not guy is such a jerk that he cut what's the fact what actually happened person wrote me an email you know this person criticized me Report an error in the passage at 1:29:57 Highlight the passage at 1:29:57

1:30:31 The second column is the painful feeling. Is it hurt? Is it fear? Is it Frustration is that, you know, what is the feeling? Report an error in the passage at 1:30:31 Highlight the passage at 1:30:31

1:30:54 That guy cut me off and I felt frustrated. I felt frustrated that he cut me off. That person criticized me. I felt hurt. So separating the circumstances from the painful feeling. And then thirdly is the negative thoughts. How did I talk to myself? You know, what a jerk. He always does that. What Report an error in the passage at 1:30:54 Highlight the passage at 1:30:54

1:31:26 a moron. They're so incompetent. They're so lazy, right? So what are the negative thoughts? So noticing, what are the thoughts? How do I talk to myself? And then are the anger intensity on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 being impatience and 2 being irritation or something like that. 5, I would say, is anger and then 10 would be rage. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:26 Highlight the passage at 1:31:26

1:31:53 But, you know, kind of use your own scale. You know, just rate the intensity of that angry incident. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:53 Highlight the passage at 1:31:53

1:32:05 The next column, behavior and antidotes used. So what did I do? Did I tell him off? Did I, you know, did I try to cut that other, you know, speed up and cut off that guy, you know, that guy who just cut me off? So what was my behavior? And if I tried to counteract it, what kinds of antidotes did I use? Or did I try to do loving kindness on this person? Report an error in the passage at 1:32:05 Highlight the passage at 1:32:05

1:32:36 And lastly, what was the outcome? You know, I yelled at him and he stormed off. Or we felt, you know, we didn't talk to each other for the rest of the day. What was the outcome? Report an error in the passage at 1:32:36 Highlight the passage at 1:32:36

1:32:50 Or I felt really bad. I felt really guilty, you know, for having said that. Really quick overview of this anger law, but we can talk about it next week, you know, if you have questions. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:50 Highlight the passage at 1:32:50

1:33:13 flashes and then it disappears. But at the end of the day, are I probably wouldn't remember. think for myself, probably if I do it, I would probably be Report an error in the passage at 1:33:13 Highlight the passage at 1:33:13

1:33:36 The more often we do it, the better, because the more mindful we are. I'm just asking you to do it at a minimum once a day, right? So I'm glad you brought that up. So if you want to do it every few hours or at lunchtime, at certain hours every day, great. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:36 Highlight the passage at 1:33:36

1:33:58 Or at least at the end of each day. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:58 Highlight the passage at 1:33:58

1:34:10 Okay, we can do that? Yes. All right. Thank you very much. Maybe we'll just kind of dedicate any positive energy that we've created here. Let's Report an error in the passage at 1:34:10 Highlight the passage at 1:34:10

1:34:34 help reduce our anger and irritation. Let's Report an error in the passage at 1:34:34 Highlight the passage at 1:34:34

1:34:50 be more peaceful to ourselves and others. Peace Report an error in the passage at 1:34:50 Highlight the passage at 1:34:50

1:35:01 and love and compassion into the world. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:01 Highlight the passage at 1:35:01

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:36:13 more about the programs Report an error in the passage at 1:36:13 Highlight the passage at 1:36:13

1:36:32 We have a senior... Report an error in the passage at 1:36:32 Highlight the passage at 1:36:32