Dealing with Anger and Irritation - A Practical Workshop (part 2)

0:07 sitting down right now could just move closer. We could bring all the chairs closer and everyone could hear better. How's that sound? Sounds good. Report an error in the passage at 0:07 Highlight the passage at 0:07

0:20 So Report an error in the passage at 0:20 Highlight the passage at 0:20

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1:08 how did your anger go this week? Report an error in the passage at 1:08 Highlight the passage at 1:08

1:15 Did anybody notice anything or learn anything this week? Report an error in the passage at 1:15 Highlight the passage at 1:15

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1:52 Yeah, Report an error in the passage at 1:52 Highlight the passage at 1:52

1:56 it's Report an error in the passage at 1:56 Highlight the passage at 1:56

2:04 true if we're in a high stress period or... We're feeling sick and things. We're much more sensitive to getting angry. Anybody else? Sally? Report an error in the passage at 2:04 Highlight the passage at 2:04

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3:00 Okay. Report an error in the passage at 3:00 Highlight the passage at 3:00

3:03 No, most of us don't. Okay. Joni? Report an error in the passage at 3:03 Highlight the passage at 3:03

3:34 Right. Report an error in the passage at 3:34 Highlight the passage at 3:34

4:02 Yeah, great. Yeah, I mean, keeping the anger log is really a critical part of really becoming... Like understanding our anger, recognizing it instead of just forgetting about it afterwards. If we don't know why we got angry, then there's not much we can do about it next time. So I really encourage everybody to keep the anger law because we're going to be building on that from week to week. Anything else? Report an error in the passage at 4:02 Highlight the passage at 4:02

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5:05 So last week we talked about the disadvantages of anger. are people What do people think? Are there any good reasons to get angry? Report an error in the passage at 5:05 Highlight the passage at 5:05

5:21 Well, actually, maybe I shouldn't ask that question. Report an error in the passage at 5:21 Highlight the passage at 5:21

5:27 Actually, we'll talk about that later. Okay. Report an error in the passage at 5:27 Highlight the passage at 5:27

5:59 Well, the one thing we talked about last week is about how... Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 5:59 Highlight the passage at 5:59

6:04 At first, if you yell at somebody or tell somebody off, they listen to you. But over time, they stop listening to you so much. Your angry reaction, people start becoming inured to it and resistant to it. So anger can be expressed outwardly in terms of snapping at others and yelling at each other. But also we talked about how anger can... Report an error in the passage at 6:04 Highlight the passage at 6:04

6:33 Anger is being extremely displeased about something, so we may also express our anger inwardly, quietly, by inwardly withdrawing from a person, emotionally withdrawing from a person or a situation, but still maintaining resentment. So there are different ways to express anger. Report an error in the passage at 6:33 Highlight the passage at 6:33

7:00 So I just wanted to start off by saying that working with our anger and noticing our anger, it can be quite painful. And so it's really important for us to be very gentle and patient with ourselves through this process and not expect to change overnight and also not beating ourselves up. Oh, I got irritated five times today and I got irritated. You know, I'm taking this class and here I'm still getting angry, right? Being hard on ourselves just makes us more prone to anger. Report an error in the passage at 7:00 Highlight the passage at 7:00

7:35 And then I just wanted to talk a little bit about when anger is not constructive and when it can be constructive. We talked about that a little bit last week, but I think a lot of people have doubts in general about this. So anger in the sense of wanting to harm others, like punish others, is never constructive or useful. Report an error in the passage at 7:35 Highlight the passage at 7:35

7:57 It just creates more problems, right? More problematic relationships. Then we regret what we said. So anger in the sense of wanting to harm is always unconstructive. Whereas when anger can be constructive is if we use the energy of anger. When we're angry, that kind of overcomes our fear. Maybe we're afraid to say anything to somebody normally. Report an error in the passage at 7:57 Highlight the passage at 7:57

8:27 But then when we get angry, we can be courageous. And fight injustice and things like that. So it can be useful to use the energy of anger, but not the wanting to harm them. We can use the energy of anger if it's constructive, if we're trying to help somebody. Report an error in the passage at 8:27 Highlight the passage at 8:27

8:51 And then I didn't get to the recommended reading last time. So there are a few books that I recommend. And this one is called When Anger Hurts. And this one is the primary book I'm using right now in the first few classes. And this is a wonderful book. And this takes kind of a Western psychology, anger management kind of approach. And this is for sale. Report an error in the passage at 8:51 Highlight the passage at 8:51

9:23 And then there's this Working with Anger by Thupten Chodron, who's a Tibetan Buddhist nun. And this is a really, really wonderful and clear book. So this kind of combines psychology and Buddhism together. And then the Dalai Lama's book, Healing Anger, this is a more traditional Buddhist approach to dealing with anger. Report an error in the passage at 9:23 Highlight the passage at 9:23

9:50 So those three as well. The Anger Control Workbook is a workbook. It's the companion workbook to the When Anger Hurts with exercises and things. And Report an error in the passage at 9:50 Highlight the passage at 9:50

10:06 then lastly. for people. Report an error in the passage at 10:06 Highlight the passage at 10:06

10:13 Oftentimes we get angry because we're not able to express what we want or what we need in a constructive way, in a peaceful way. And so I recommend this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, which is wonderful. So we'll get to how to communicate in one of the future classes. We're going to try at least. Report an error in the passage at 10:13 Highlight the passage at 10:13

10:44 So we talked last time about how anger arises. So anger is a response to pain. We have some sort of pain, physical pain, emotional pain. Report an error in the passage at 10:44 Highlight the passage at 10:44

10:56 And then what creates the anger is our resistance to that pain, our thoughts, our negative thoughts that arise. In conjunction with that pain. So pain by itself doesn't bring anger and negative thoughts by themselves don't bring anger. It's pain plus negative thoughts together which give rise to anger. Report an error in the passage at 10:56 Highlight the passage at 10:56

11:20 So working with our thoughts is really the key to overcoming anger. Report an error in the passage at 11:20 Highlight the passage at 11:20

11:30 So we talked last time about when we're already angry not to react, not to say something when we're angry, not to write an email when we're angry. Report an error in the passage at 11:30 Highlight the passage at 11:30

11:43 But just to be mindful and notice the thoughts and the feelings, etc. And then to take a time out if we need it. If somebody's in our face and we're getting angry, it's good to just take some distance for a while. And then while we're away, not to feed our angry thoughts, not to rehearse or ruminate about all of the wrongs that have been done to us. Report an error in the passage at 11:43 Highlight the passage at 11:43

12:12 But to try to counteract the anger. Report an error in the passage at 12:12 Highlight the passage at 12:12

12:18 And then once we've calmed down, then we're better able to resolve the problem. Report an error in the passage at 12:18 Highlight the passage at 12:18

12:29 So some antidotes to try in general. So if we're already angry, we can try repeating to ourselves, it's not personal. It's not about me. Like if somebody's rude to me, usually I think, okay, well, I didn't deserve that. Why did that happen to me? And oftentimes they're just having a bad day. It's not about us. So we can use a coping thought. Report an error in the passage at 12:29 Highlight the passage at 12:29

12:58 It's not personal. It's not about me. Or people are people. Why get mad? Oftentimes we expect that people should be perfect, but they aren't. People aren't perfect. So we can try that coping thought. Or he probably didn't do it deliberately. Oftentimes we get angry because we think that they did it purposely to us. Report an error in the passage at 12:58 Highlight the passage at 12:58

13:28 So these are just some coping thoughts to try. Report an error in the passage at 13:28 Highlight the passage at 13:28

13:35 So one of the critical things we need to do in order to counteract our anger is to notice when our irritation or anger is starting to arise. Report an error in the passage at 13:35 Highlight the passage at 13:35

13:48 So we can notice in terms of thoughts. And in terms of body sensations. So what are some body sensations that people notice? Report an error in the passage at 13:48 Highlight the passage at 13:48

14:03 What happens? Report an error in the passage at 14:03 Highlight the passage at 14:03

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16:09 So Report an error in the passage at 16:09 Highlight the passage at 16:09

16:14 what Report an error in the passage at 16:14 Highlight the passage at 16:14

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17:30 are some negative thoughts that arise that trigger our anger? Report an error in the passage at 17:30 Highlight the passage at 17:30

18:04 Rerunning the good things? strange because then I felt that hole no anger whatsoever. Report an error in the passage at 18:04 Highlight the passage at 18:04

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18:44 But we recreate it through thinking about it again and again. It Report an error in the passage at 18:44 Highlight the passage at 18:44

19:06 isn't real at all and Report an error in the passage at 19:06 Highlight the passage at 19:06

19:31 tells us, oh, well, that was completely out of line. You should tell them off. That can trigger our anger even more, even if we weren't. What Report an error in the passage at 19:31 Highlight the passage at 19:31

20:09 is the negative thought? Report an error in the passage at 20:09 Highlight the passage at 20:09

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22:05 This is important for each of us to notice for ourselves. What are our thoughts, the Report an error in the passage at 22:05 Highlight the passage at 22:05

22:15 body sensations that trigger us? Oh, Report an error in the passage at 22:15 Highlight the passage at 22:15

22:40 blew up. Just suddenly, I blew up. actually Report an error in the passage at 22:40 Highlight the passage at 22:40

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23:16 So the anger escalation curve I talked about last time, right? So it starts off as being just impatience and irritation, but it's our negative thoughts that cause it to escalate into anger and rage. So the more we feed our negative thoughts, like Leslie was saying, the more we rerun, what... happened, the negatives that happened, how wrong they were, how unfair they were, how mistreated. Report an error in the passage at 23:16 Highlight the passage at 23:16

23:48 So the key is to catch it, right, early. Anger management is really working at these levels to catch it early and to counteract those negative thoughts. Because those negative thoughts are actually not accurate reflections of reality. So we'll talk more about that. Report an error in the passage at 23:48 Highlight the passage at 23:48

24:28 So we know it's a negative thought or a trigger thought, triggering anger, if the thought makes us more agitated. I'm already irritated. If I keep thinking in a particular way, I become more and more agitated. Oh, and then, not only did he do that, but then he said blah, blah, blah. And then he turned away and blah, blah, blah. Those kinds of thoughts that agitate us even more are the thoughts that we need to counteract. Report an error in the passage at 24:28 Highlight the passage at 24:28

25:07 So the higher we go up on the escalation curve, the more self-righteous we become. Convinced, you know, I'm right and he's totally wrong. Psychologists speak of a refractory period that accompanies an emotion. So during this time we are close to any advice or reasonable interpretation that contradicts our view. We can neither think clearly about a situation nor accept other interpretations of it that well-meaning people offer. Report an error in the passage at 25:07 Highlight the passage at 25:07

25:39 So really, like at these points. We can't think clearly. We don't want to hear anything reasonable that anybody says because we're so caught up in our anger. Report an error in the passage at 25:39 Highlight the passage at 25:39

25:56 And the refractory period may be short, just a few seconds, or it may last years and even decades. But when the emotion subsides and we're able to look at the event more clearly, we readily see that anger's interpretation was inaccurate. So this is another. Another good thing about logging our anger, filling out our anger log, because at the moment we're angry, we're totally convinced that we're right and they're wrong. Report an error in the passage at 25:56 Highlight the passage at 25:56

26:25 And then later on we'll look at it and think, okay, well, what was I getting so upset about? It was just, the guy just cut me off on the road. It wasn't a life and death situation, right? It was no big deal. But at the time, at the time, it was a disaster. Report an error in the passage at 26:25 Highlight the passage at 26:25

26:42 If we got really angry. Report an error in the passage at 26:42 Highlight the passage at 26:42

26:52 So then there's letting go of our anger. How do we let go of our anger? By applying antidotes, by applying thoughts that counteract these negative thoughts. So we'll talk more about these antidotes. Or just letting go. Oh, well this is no big deal. What are you getting so upset about? Just letting it go. Like truly letting it go as opposed to just repressing it. Report an error in the passage at 26:52 Highlight the passage at 26:52

27:20 Repressing it, oh, I'm still ticked off at him, but whatever, you know, I'll just go on with my day. If we do that, we're not truly letting go of the anger, we're holding on to resentment. Report an error in the passage at 27:20 Highlight the passage at 27:20

27:35 Because the next time they do it, then we'll get even more angry. So we'll know if it's a good antidote or a coping thought, if it calms us down. Report an error in the passage at 27:35 Highlight the passage at 27:35

27:51 So the negative thoughts, the anger trigger thoughts make us more agitated, increase our anger. If it's a thought that's an antidote, it helps calm us down. Like, oh, you know, he didn't mean it or he's just doing his best. You know, our heart starts to slow down. You know, the heat stops coming into our face, you know, gradually. Gradually, you know, we start to let go. Report an error in the passage at 27:51 Highlight the passage at 27:51

28:26 But if we're harboring resentment, you know, so we get angry, and then, you know, if we stop feeding our angry thoughts, our negative thoughts, then this curve, you know, our anger intensity will definitely go down. But if we haven't truly let go of the anger, then we stay at a particular level. We may stay up here, we may stay here, just waiting for the next. Report an error in the passage at 28:26 Highlight the passage at 28:26

29:00 Like the person, you know, our partner or our kids who are constantly doing the same things, right? They're, you know, they never pick up after themselves, right? Or, you know, they say they're going to do something, but they don't. Oftentimes we stay at this level, right? Because it's still irritating us. Report an error in the passage at 29:00 Highlight the passage at 29:00

29:27 We may not be at the super angry level all the time, but we're not at the zero level, right? There's all of the history and all of the baggage, which if we haven't let go of it, so we constantly stay at a particular level, if it's at a level of irritation or impatience. Or as Leslie was saying earlier, you feel like you're in an irritated state. Report an error in the passage at 29:27 Highlight the passage at 29:27

29:57 So we go through these periods when we have a lot of stress or we have a lot of things going on and we can't really calm down, then we tend to stay at this level as opposed to at the zero level. Report an error in the passage at 29:57 Highlight the passage at 29:57

30:16 And so what happens over time is, okay, I didn't really let it go. I didn't try to counteract my interpretation of what happened. Report an error in the passage at 30:16 Highlight the passage at 30:16

30:25 So I go down here and then it happens again. And then I get even angrier next time. And then it goes down, but then it stays at a higher level. And then I get even angrier and angrier. So this is what happens if we don't truly try to counteract our negative thinking. If we're just like, oh, you know, if we're endure it kind of people, I'll just endure it. Report an error in the passage at 30:25 Highlight the passage at 30:25

30:50 But we don't actually. Challenge our negative thinking. Report an error in the passage at 30:50 Highlight the passage at 30:50

31:00 So we need to apply the antidotes in order to truly let go of the anger. We can't just ignore the problems and pretend that everything is fine because then we hang on to the resentment. We hang on to grudges and in the future we'll get even more angry and very quickly. Report an error in the passage at 31:00 Highlight the passage at 31:00

31:28 So antidotes help us to cope. So I already talked about this. And in general, I find the most useful antidote in my life is loving kindness and compassion. Report an error in the passage at 31:28 Highlight the passage at 31:28

31:45 Looking at the other person's perspective. Because anger is very much focused on my perspective, what happened to me in general. Report an error in the passage at 31:45 Highlight the passage at 31:45

31:57 So the more we care about the other person's perspective, like instead of immediately getting angry thinking, okay, well. Why did he do that? Oh, you know, maybe he's just really stressed right now. He's going through a really difficult time. Oh, okay. If I don't care about that person and I try to look at their perspective, then I think, oh, he's stressed. Report an error in the passage at 31:57 Highlight the passage at 31:57

32:18 Well, too bad. That's not my problem. But if I care about that person and I see that they're going through a hard time, then I'm more able to let go of my anger. Report an error in the passage at 32:18 Highlight the passage at 32:18

32:32 What do people think of that? Report an error in the passage at 32:32 Highlight the passage at 32:32

32:37 We're all deluded. That's the thing. And that's actually an even better reason to be compassionate toward them. Because it's not that they're perfect people who are purposely hurting me and being rude to me and inconsiderate to me. But they're people who have these habits, these habits, and they can't help it. Report an error in the passage at 32:37 Highlight the passage at 32:37

33:07 Just like we can't help it sometimes when we get angry. They're irritated. I know I shouldn't get angry, but I can't help it. Others are the same way. They can't help it. They're being driven by their habits. Report an error in the passage at 33:07 Highlight the passage at 33:07

33:25 So this takes time, right, and practice. Report an error in the passage at 33:25 Highlight the passage at 33:25

33:37 So I'm going to put this slide up. Okay, so we're more likely, in our lives, we're more likely to get angry if we tend to focus on the negative, on what's wrong. Report an error in the passage at 33:37 Highlight the passage at 33:37

33:57 It's the whole glass half full or glass half empty approach. If we tend to see the upsides of a situation, if we tend to see, okay, well, yeah, he forgot to do the dishes today. But in general, he's really good about helping around the house. He mows the lawn, so he doesn't do the dishes. If we're just focused on the fact that he never does the dishes, then we get irritated. Report an error in the passage at 33:57 Highlight the passage at 33:57

34:23 But if we have... A wider perspective of, oh well, but there are these good aspects as well, then we're less likely to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 34:23 Highlight the passage at 34:23

34:36 Secondly, if we tend to blame, it's his fault. Report an error in the passage at 34:36 Highlight the passage at 34:36

34:44 Anyway, Report an error in the passage at 34:44 Highlight the passage at 34:44

34:48 we're going to talk about blame later. So if we have a tendency to blame, we're more likely to get angry. If we're very attached to shoulds, people should know better. know, Report an error in the passage at 34:48 Highlight the passage at 34:48

35:02 People should drive more carefully. People should listen to me when I talk. People should respect my needs. People should act in a particular way. The more we're attached to shoulds, the more angry we're going to get if they act in contradiction to the way I think they should act. Report an error in the passage at 35:02 Highlight the passage at 35:02

35:34 So we're going to talk more about that one today. If we lack communication skills, if we need something and we aren't able to express that, then we're more likely to keep resentment inside. Report an error in the passage at 35:34 Highlight the passage at 35:34

35:53 He should know what I want without me telling him. If we tend to repress our emotions and needs. We pretend we don't have them, and then later on we end up blowing up because a pressure cooker has built up inside us. Report an error in the passage at 35:53 Highlight the passage at 35:53

36:15 If we're very averse to pain, so anger is a response to pain. So if we think, you know, I should never get hurt, I should never, you know, painful things should never happen, I should never get sick, I should never blah, blah, blah. blah, blah. Report an error in the passage at 36:15 Highlight the passage at 36:15

36:34 Then I'll react strongly when I do experience pain. If I struggle against painful emotions and feelings of vulnerability, instead of just accepting that painful emotions, feeling vulnerable, are part of life, part of opening our hearts, then we're less likely to get angry. But I think that person shouldn't, you know, they shouldn't have hurt me or they shouldn't, this shouldn't have happened. Report an error in the passage at 36:34 Highlight the passage at 36:34

37:06 Then I'm more likely to get angry. If we're generally suspicious and distrustful of others. So we immediately assume the worst of somebody. Like I was talking to one woman once who said, you know what really makes me angry? Is when men open the door for me. I just kind of looked at her and she said, you know, that just shows that he's disrespectful. And I just thought, you know, I just thought, you know, that's her being generally distrustful and suspicious of others' motives, right? Report an error in the passage at 37:06 Highlight the passage at 37:06

37:50 Assuming a negative motive, right? I mean, we all have things like that, right? It might not be people opening the door for us, but, you know, this person doesn't call. When they say that they're going to call, oh, well, they're just being inconsiderate and they don't care about me at all. Or it might be, oh, actually, they're caught in a meeting or they're in the middle of something and they aren't able to call. Report an error in the passage at 37:50 Highlight the passage at 37:50

38:15 But if we jump to the negative conclusion automatically, then we're more likely to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 38:15 Highlight the passage at 38:15

38:25 So we're going to go into all of these things in greater and lesser degrees throughout this class. If we think in terms of black and white, thinking I am 100 % right and he is 100 % wrong. Report an error in the passage at 38:25 Highlight the passage at 38:25

38:43 If we think in those terms, we're more likely to get angry. We're not willing to see that there's some validity to what the other person is doing or saying. Report an error in the passage at 38:43 Highlight the passage at 38:43

38:57 Because there are very few situations in life where we're really 100 % right and they're 100 % wrong. Report an error in the passage at 38:57 Highlight the passage at 38:57

39:06 If we tend to magnify the harm and wrong done, he always, he always does that. He never listens to me. If we magnify it, we're more likely to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 39:06 Highlight the passage at 39:06

39:37 Yeah, if we're generally insecure and we're trying to cover that up. I think that would be struggling against painful emotions. So, yeah, there's a lot of things included in that one. Fear. in security. Insecurity, feeling bad about ourselves, things like that. There's more. So we're more likely to get angry if we're unwilling to see or understand the other's perspective. Report an error in the passage at 39:37 Highlight the passage at 39:37

40:06 Yeah, there's a second page. Report an error in the passage at 40:06 Highlight the passage at 40:06

40:15 We're unwilling to see or understand the other's perspective, so we're totally convinced of our perspective and don't even want to hear what the other person has to say. So a lot of these wars between nations, we're right. Report an error in the passage at 40:15 Highlight the passage at 40:15

40:38 Sorry, Al-Qaeda, they're 100 % wrong. They have no valid complaints at all. We're 100 % right. If we're very stressed or exhausted, then we tend to be more easily triggered to anger. If I didn't get a good night's sleep and somebody looks at me the wrong way, I can get irritated. But if I'm well rested and somebody looks at me the wrong way, I think, oh, well, whatever. Report an error in the passage at 40:38 Highlight the passage at 40:38

41:16 Very stressed. Report an error in the passage at 41:16 Highlight the passage at 41:16

41:22 New mothers, I think, are dealing with this all the time. Very stressed, exhausted, not getting enough sleep. So, you know, demands being constantly put on you. If we're a perfectionist, we're more likely to get angry because people, if people don't meet our, you know, our standards. Yeah, Marcella. Report an error in the passage at 41:22 Highlight the passage at 41:22

41:56 Yeah. Yeah, exactly. All of these, everything on this list, we suffer more. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 41:56 Highlight the passage at 41:56

42:07 If we lack problem-solving skills. Report an error in the passage at 42:07 Highlight the passage at 42:07

42:14 So, yeah, so if we're constantly focused on... The past and what was wrong and not focused on how can I make this better? How can I meet my needs better? Report an error in the passage at 42:14 Highlight the passage at 42:14

42:29 We're more likely to be angry. If we're very demanding and forceful in pursuing our goals and impatient with others who get in our way, we're more likely to be angry. Report an error in the passage at 42:29 Highlight the passage at 42:29

42:47 If we're very attached to control. I need to, you know, I need to have. Everything in my life needs to be in control. But the thing is, right, in life, we can't control others. We can't control external circumstances. We can only sometimes control ourselves. So if we need to be in control, then we're more likely to get easily frustrated and angry. Report an error in the passage at 42:47 Highlight the passage at 42:47

43:23 If we're very attached to being right. Report an error in the passage at 43:23 Highlight the passage at 43:23

43:28 So oftentimes in relationships we have this choice. We can hang on to being right and arguing until the other person agrees that I'm right. Or I can let go and think, okay, well, let's find a peaceful solution. So do you want to be right or do you want to have peace and harmony? So this is a critical choice that we need to make. If we're more... Report an error in the passage at 43:28 Highlight the passage at 43:28

43:55 Focused on being right and the other person admitting that they're wrong, then I'm not going to have a very peaceful relationship. Report an error in the passage at 43:55 Highlight the passage at 43:55

44:08 If we take the wrong kinds of drugs, it's pretty self-explanatory. That can trigger our anger. Report an error in the passage at 44:08 Highlight the passage at 44:08

44:30 If we feel helpless or powerless. Report an error in the passage at 44:30 Highlight the passage at 44:30

44:36 So we see this a lot in these economic... Difficult economic times. I need a job, but I can't find a job. There are no jobs out there. Or all of these people with the oil spill who have lost their livelihoods. You're much more likely to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 44:36 Highlight the passage at 44:36

45:01 Or if we tend to ruminate a lot about the wrong done and the harm that was done, we think about it again and again as we replay it, like we were saying before. Or if we're very attached to anything, to my reputation or respect or my opinions, money, if we're very attached to anything, if we're denied it, we're likely to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 45:01 Highlight the passage at 45:01

45:28 If I'm really attached to people treating me with respect, then when people treat me with disrespect, I get angry. I'm very attached to financial security. And then, you know, Somebody steals money from me. Report an error in the passage at 45:28 Highlight the passage at 45:28

45:48 If I'm very attached to my car and somebody scratches it, I'm going to get angry. How Report an error in the passage at 45:48 Highlight the passage at 45:48

46:02 are we doing so far? Report an error in the passage at 46:02 Highlight the passage at 46:02

46:11 How anger arises. So as we were saying, it starts with a painful feeling. So we'll talk a little bit about these painful feelings. Painful emotions, physical pain, frustrated desire or attachment or harm or threat. Report an error in the passage at 46:11 Highlight the passage at 46:11

46:29 So painful emotions. Hurt, fear, guilt, low self-worth. So what you were saying earlier. Feeling of helplessness or powerlessness. So oftentimes we get angry in order to cover up these painful emotions. We don't feel comfortable with these emotions. So anger gives us a feeling of power. Report an error in the passage at 46:29 Highlight the passage at 46:29

47:02 Physical pain. You can get angry because, you know, I'm just tired of having a backache and my legs hurt and I'm tired all the time. Report an error in the passage at 47:02 Highlight the passage at 47:02

47:15 And then frustrated desire or attachment. Really, I think that all anger can be included under this one. Not getting what we want or encountering exactly what we don't want or feeling forced, etc. So as I was saying last time, anger is a response to the ego not getting what it wants. Anger is a response to the ego not getting what it wants. Report an error in the passage at 47:15 Highlight the passage at 47:15

47:53 So something we really, really want or need for our happiness. Our happiness is dependent on getting this. When we're denied it, we're more likely to get angry or harm or threat. Feeling falsely accused or cheated, betrayed, etc. all can trigger anger. Report an error in the passage at 47:53 Highlight the passage at 47:53

48:23 So anger, psychologists, I would say anger is like a secondary emotion. It's the real emotion to deal with are the painful emotions that lie underneath the anger. Report an error in the passage at 48:23 Highlight the passage at 48:23

48:48 So using anger as a response to pain may or may not give us a short-term payoff. So if I get angry and I yell at somebody, maybe they'll do what I want in the short term. But in the long term, it's not effective, right? As we saw last time, in the long term, I'm damaging relationships with others. And in the long term, people don't want to be around me. People start avoiding me. Report an error in the passage at 48:48 Highlight the passage at 48:48

49:17 May, on the surface, do what I want, but in the background may kind of try to sabotage what I really want. So we need to find alternative strategies for dealing with pain and meeting our needs. Report an error in the passage at 49:17 Highlight the passage at 49:17

49:35 Because if anger does get us what we want sometimes, so in order to counteract that anger and find more constructive ways to deal with things, we need to find it. An alternative, a constructive way to meet our needs. So first we have to understand what those needs are. What is it that I'm really wanting that I'm being denied? Why am I getting angry? Oh, it's because I need more attention. Report an error in the passage at 49:35 Highlight the passage at 49:35

50:06 I need this person to spend more time with me. Or I need more respect. I need more appreciation. Because anger won't get you more appreciation. Anger won't get you more respect. Well, anger might get you attention, but maybe not the kind of attention you really want, right? So if we can find other more constructive ways to deal with what it is that we really want and need, then we won't have the fuel for anger. Report an error in the passage at 50:06 Highlight the passage at 50:06

50:45 Joe. Report an error in the passage at 50:45 Highlight the passage at 50:45

· · · silence, 1 minute

51:22 Great. I mean, exactly. Exactly. And that's how we develop compassion for people who do destructive things. Understanding that they're only doing that because they're feeling pain. They're hurting. And they're not knowing how to deal with that. They're not knowing how to get what they want. Yeah. Or they're not even conscious of it. Report an error in the passage at 51:22 Highlight the passage at 51:22

51:50 So this is what we're going to focus on today is trying to understand what is underneath our anger. Report an error in the passage at 51:50 Highlight the passage at 51:50

52:01 Are you ready for a break? Report an error in the passage at 52:01 Highlight the passage at 52:01

52:15 Well, the rest of the class we're going to be dealing with this. So actually now is a good breaking point, stopping point. So why don't we take a break and we'll come back in about five minutes. is um... Report an error in the passage at 52:15 Highlight the passage at 52:15

· · · silence, 1 minute

52:48 Gina, hi, it's nice to meet you. Oh yeah, thanks for coming. Well, here is our email list so I can send you the materials for the class. Report an error in the passage at 52:48 Highlight the passage at 52:48

53:00 Well, great. Report an error in the passage at 53:00 Highlight the passage at 53:00

53:10 Have you been here before? Report an error in the passage at 53:10 Highlight the passage at 53:10

53:20 Yeah, I know you've talked about that stressful environment. Report an error in the passage at 53:20 Highlight the passage at 53:20

53:31 several, like there was a little group of people standing there in the office, and that's what they were talking about. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 53:31 Highlight the passage at 53:31

53:47 So everybody's more relaxed. Report an error in the passage at 53:47 Highlight the passage at 53:47

53:53 Yeah, that's difficult. Okay, so let me make sure. Good, good girl Jen. Oh, Gina. Okay. celebrating. Report an error in the passage at 53:53 Highlight the passage at 53:53

53:44 it was like, ooh, she's a wave, the numbers. Report an error in the passage at 53:44 Highlight the passage at 53:44

54:02 I'm like, good girl, gin, you like your bottle. Report an error in the passage at 54:02 Highlight the passage at 54:02

54:26 Yeah, Report an error in the passage at 54:26 Highlight the passage at 54:26

54:31 no need to. Report an error in the passage at 54:31 Highlight the passage at 54:31

54:44 You have Report an error in the passage at 54:44 Highlight the passage at 54:44

54:51 so many things happening with your body. can't sit against that. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 54:51 Highlight the passage at 54:51

54:58 That's why I was laying in bed when I was trying to take a nap. Report an error in the passage at 54:58 Highlight the passage at 54:58

55:06 back to, made me think of, years ago, incident that I'm not mad about anymore, but when I got really angry about a washing machine thing. Report an error in the passage at 55:06 Highlight the passage at 55:06

55:23 gone through a lot of bad karma already. Report an error in the passage at 55:23 Highlight the passage at 55:23

55:34 snuck into this, like, you know, into the human thing, and then find the manhiyana, but it had to wait, you know, and it had to be, like, 50 years old before I could find it, you know? Report an error in the passage at 55:34 Highlight the passage at 55:34

55:52 You know, you're just purifying. You know, and there's... Report an error in the passage at 55:52 Highlight the passage at 55:52

56:14 This pit? I guess you don't like your new place? Leslie! What we really want, right, is the problem. I really want people... To love me and care about me, then anger is the exact opposite thing to do, right? To get to feel close to others. But we do still, you know, there are still anger payoffs. We, you know, anger payoffs. Report an error in the passage at 56:14 Highlight the passage at 56:14

57:03 It just seems more automatic and more natural. Report an error in the passage at 57:03 Highlight the passage at 57:03

· · · silence, 1 minute

58:05 I'm not a mother, so unfortunately I don't have as much patience for children as I probably should. Report an error in the passage at 58:05 Highlight the passage at 58:05

58:12 back and forth getting things and she kept allowing him to do that and holding up the line so finally when we got to like the fourth time was like look not my kid I could care less if he wants to run back and forth the shot but you know let them go When I came out of the store, I was thinking, God, I may have been a little bit harsh, you know, in the way that I said it, but then I tried to fix it by saying, They opened up another register for us. And yet and still, I wasn't a very good role model for that child. Report an error in the passage at 58:12 Highlight the passage at 58:12

58:53 Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, there are instances where it is useful, right, to raise our voice or to be very assertive. Report an error in the passage at 58:53 Highlight the passage at 58:53

59:03 But the anger part of it, you know, being agitated, being frustrated, being, you know, irritated, that's the part that's not. So useful. And you can see it disturbed your mind and you felt bad about having gotten irritated. So that's the downside. But the thing is you've still got something out of it. They opened up another register. So through training, though, we can learn how to right wrongs. Report an error in the passage at 59:03 Highlight the passage at 59:03

59:41 How do I say it? or, you know, to, know. Report an error in the passage at 59:41 Highlight the passage at 59:41

59:43 How to affect positive behavior through not getting angry. Because not getting angry is a more effective way. But it's more difficult. That's the other thing. It's easier to just get angry and yell. But it's more difficult to stay calm and find a more constructive way to express ourselves. We need to learn. Because our anger... Report an error in the passage at 59:43 Highlight the passage at 59:43

1:00:11 Our anger responses are a result of our habitual patterns and what we learned growing up. In my family, if you wanted something, you didn't talk through it. You yelled. You got angry. That was the only thing that I knew how to do. It's taking a long time to learn more constructive ways to communicate. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:11 Highlight the passage at 1:00:11

1:00:37 There was a hand in the back. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:37 Highlight the passage at 1:00:37

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:01:11 say, excuse me, but, you know, this person is taking a lot of time and needs a lot of extra time. Could you open another What's the problem with that? What is the problem with What Report an error in the passage at 1:01:11 Highlight the passage at 1:01:11

1:01:25 do other Report an error in the passage at 1:01:25 Highlight the passage at 1:01:25

1:01:34 people think of that? Janet? Report an error in the passage at 1:01:34 Highlight the passage at 1:01:34

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:02:11 Yeah. Yeah, so the internal feelings of feeling agitated, you know, irritated and things. I mean, that... It unsettles us. We're not calm. It makes us unhappy. If we can remain undisturbed and calm and peaceful and still say something because other people are being disturbed, that's the ideal world. It takes a while to get there. Your name was Pamela, right? Pamela, what do you think? Report an error in the passage at 1:02:11 Highlight the passage at 1:02:11

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:03:15 appointments to that problem. And so I'm very sympathetic to your situation, and I think that... a way to facilitate movement and efficiency and things like that, if you can comment and make some progress. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:15 Highlight the passage at 1:03:15

1:03:47 if you don't say anything or do anything, course nothing gets Report an error in the passage at 1:03:47 Highlight the passage at 1:03:47

1:03:55 Joe. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:55 Highlight the passage at 1:03:55

1:04:10 I'm hearing is kind of maybe it's not so much you're feeling inside of what your motivation is. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:10 Highlight the passage at 1:04:10

1:04:18 want to hurt that woman. You know what I mean? She should be a better mother, or she should be better. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to yell so that I hurt her feelings. Or if you're just saying, I want to speak the line along. You know, those are two different things. For me, that would make a critical Why are you saying it? You can say it the same way, but if you're saying it to help these Report an error in the passage at 1:04:18 Highlight the passage at 1:04:18

1:04:44 Right. And Report an error in the passage at 1:04:44 Highlight the passage at 1:04:44

1:04:53 who else had? Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:53 Highlight the passage at 1:04:53

1:05:18 Yeah. This gets back to what I was saying earlier in the class about if the motivation is to help somebody, then the energy of anger can be beneficial. If our motivation is to teach them a lesson, to punish them, to hurt them, then it's not beneficial for anybody. It's not beneficial for yourself and it's not beneficial for them. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:18 Highlight the passage at 1:05:18

1:05:45 We can use the energy of anger if we're not in a constructive way, in a beneficial way. And sometimes we need to, right? But wanting to harm someone, there's just nothing useful about that. And that tortures ourselves more than anybody, wanting someone. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:45 Highlight the passage at 1:05:45

1:06:14 Wanting someone to be harmed, wanting someone to be punished. That hurts us more than anyone. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:14 Highlight the passage at 1:06:14

1:06:27 So think about that. I can see that you don't agree with me, or some of you don't agree with me, but think about that. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:27 Highlight the passage at 1:06:27

1:06:41 Was there a hand? Jeremy, did you have a hand? Report an error in the passage at 1:06:41 Highlight the passage at 1:06:41

1:06:47 Sally, did you have a hand? Report an error in the passage at 1:06:47 Highlight the passage at 1:06:47

1:06:57 mean, as soon as the light turns green, the person behind me starts talking. It really makes me So then I hop back. Could be, yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:57 Highlight the passage at 1:06:57

1:07:17 Does anger help? Report an error in the passage at 1:07:17 Highlight the passage at 1:07:17

1:07:36 Actually, that segues nicely into this next section. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:36 Highlight the passage at 1:07:36

1:07:46 So we're going to talk about these negative thoughts. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:46 Highlight the passage at 1:07:46

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:07:50 so, some Common themes of negative thoughts, shoulds. People shouldn't honk at me right when the light turns green. Or I'll get angry. So we all tend to have these kind of rules of the universe that we expect others to follow. And if they don't follow them, then I am very righteously angry. I am completely right in being angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:50 Highlight the passage at 1:07:50

1:08:37 We have an Report an error in the passage at 1:08:37 Highlight the passage at 1:08:37

1:08:46 endless list, right? The right way. I mean, the one that makes me really, really amuses me that most people have who have a dishwasher is the right way to load the dishwasher, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:08:46 Highlight the passage at 1:08:46

1:09:03 Like, is that an important issue in life? No, but... But it's like you go to somebody's house and you're kind of afraid to load the dishwasher for them because you might not do it the right way, right? The way that they want you to do it. And what happens, right, is then people don't help you, right? Like a friend of mine, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:03 Highlight the passage at 1:09:03

1:09:36 So anyway, so shoulds. We're going to get into shoulds. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:36 Highlight the passage at 1:09:36

1:09:44 So shoulds, blaming, assumptions, catastrophizing, labeling the person rather than the behavior and overgeneralizing. So we'll get into the shoulds today. So it's good to have a healthy sense of values and guidelines for life, but they become unconstructive if we're attached to them and judge and impose them. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:44 Highlight the passage at 1:09:44

1:10:15 It's good to take care of the environment and be kind to each other and do things in the right way. But if I'm judging others based on my set of rules, then it becomes unconstructive and aggressive. The more strongly attached to shoulds we are, the more angry we'll become when they're violated. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:15 Highlight the passage at 1:10:15

1:10:42 So our shoulds are exactly that. Our shoulds, our rules, and everybody has a unique set of shoulds based on how they were brought up, based on their education, based on their experience, based on their culture, based Report an error in the passage at 1:10:42 Highlight the passage at 1:10:42

1:11:08 on their own wants and needs, etc. So this is the problem with shoulds is that others don't We don't necessarily agree with our shoulds. How can we impose our rules of the universe on others? Most of the time they don't think that they're doing anything wrong. They're following their own rules. So if we're getting angry when other people violate our shoulds, we're just creating frustration and suffering and difficulty for ourselves in our lives. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:08 Highlight the passage at 1:11:08

1:11:50 Because people are just going to do things the way that they feel is the best, right? We don't need to impose what we think is right on others. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:50 Highlight the passage at 1:11:50

1:12:01 Like the woman I was telling you about who gets angry when men open the door for her. I mean, that's an extreme example, right? But we do these things, right? We assume that other people know and agree with my rules, and they're violating them, and oftentimes they're violating them on purpose, we think. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:01 Highlight the passage at 1:12:01

1:12:31 This guy knows he shouldn't honk at the traffic light, but maybe he grew up in India, and the thing is, in India, you honk to be polite. Like in this culture... You honk. Honking is rude. In India and in many countries around the world, you honk just to warn people that you're there. It's a considerate thing to do. You walk down the street and people are constantly honking everywhere. Honk, honk, honk because people are driving on the wrong side of the street. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:31 Highlight the passage at 1:12:31

1:13:07 Honk, honk, honk. I'm here. Honk, honk, honk. If we think honking is absolutely bad, then we get angry at somebody who honks. But they have a completely different understanding of what honking means. You know, I'm just trying to warn you. Yeah, Report an error in the passage at 1:13:07 Highlight the passage at 1:13:07

1:13:38 and I do that sometimes too. You know, like if somebody is on the highway and straying into my lane and almost hitting me, you know, sometimes I honk a little bit. Maybe you're falling asleep, maybe you're on the cell phone and you're endangering yourself and others. But if I honk, I know that they might get mad at me because they think I'm being obnoxious, but actually my motivation is to help them wake up, stay in your lane. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:38 Highlight the passage at 1:13:38

1:14:13 So that's the other problem with shirts is we're assuming the other person has a bad motivation. He's honking because he's... He's being rude to me. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:13 Highlight the passage at 1:14:13

1:14:33 So some common themes. Entitlement. I'm entitled to being treated a particular way. I'm entitled to a certain standard of living. I'm entitled to be left alone when I want to be alone. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:33 Highlight the passage at 1:14:33

1:14:47 Perfectionism. There's a right way of doing things and my way is the right way. Right way of... There's a right way of running a meeting. There's a right way of running a household. There's a right way of raising kids. There's a right way. You know, there isn't one right way. There are many different ways, right? And so the more we're attached to my way of doing things as being right, the more likely we're going to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:47 Highlight the passage at 1:14:47

1:15:17 So one exercise in anger management is letting go of our shows. Okay, well, there. They have their rules. I have my rules. There's no reason to get upset when people don't follow my rules of the universe. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:17 Highlight the passage at 1:15:17

1:15:39 They're wrong, but I'll let them be wrong. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:39 Highlight the passage at 1:15:39

1:15:46 Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:46 Highlight the passage at 1:15:46

1:15:50 Or fairness. Fairness is another theme. So examples. Others should treat me with respect and consideration. And if they don't, I'm entitled to get angry. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:50 Highlight the passage at 1:15:50

1:16:08 Others should help me and be attentive to my needs. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:08 Highlight the passage at 1:16:08

1:16:14 People should know what I need without my telling them. It's surprising how many people have this one. You should know. Others should appreciate me and what I do. Others should change to meet my needs. People shouldn't be selfish. People shouldn't drive slowly in the fast lane. People shouldn't be so demanding. People should take care of the environment. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:14 Highlight the passage at 1:16:14

1:16:44 People should do things the right way, my way. Life should be fair. Is life fair? Report an error in the passage at 1:16:44 Highlight the passage at 1:16:44

1:16:56 So why get angry when it's not? Because it just isn't. Why get angry? Practicing patience is about just accepting the way things are. It doesn't mean we don't try to do something when there are injustices, but to not struggle against what is. Okay, well, this thing happened whether we're happy about it or not, so why be angry about it? Report an error in the passage at 1:16:56 Highlight the passage at 1:16:56

1:17:30 The oil spill happened. I can be really angry about it. I can accept it and try to do something constructive with it, but getting angry about it isn't going to help, right? And it makes me miserable. It's Report an error in the passage at 1:17:30 Highlight the passage at 1:17:30

1:18:02 meant by Tayata. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:02 Highlight the passage at 1:18:02

1:18:14 Tayata. Sanskrit is not, I don't know Sanskrit, yeah. Just as it is, yeah. As it is. I think it means, I mean, I would be speculating. I mean, I just, I know very little about it, but I think it's as it is. So the question was the meaning of Tayata. Oh, I just don't know. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. I was going to Yeah, Maybe that's a question for Geshe-la. But I don't know if that's the meaning of the word, but in Buddhism that's largely, you know, that's a lot of what Buddhism is about is accepting. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:14 Highlight the passage at 1:18:14

1:18:59 She should have known better. People should be punished for hurting me or others. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:59 Highlight the passage at 1:18:59

1:19:08 no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. sorry. sorry. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:08 Highlight the passage at 1:19:08

1:19:15 So there's so many shoulds. What other shoulds do we have in life? People should. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:15 Highlight the passage at 1:19:15

1:19:39 Yeah. Yeah. We have those all day long, right? Our shoulds. Yeah. Yeah. Or people should have put the toilet paper with the roll the other way. Yeah. It's not supposed to go down, you know, because then the cat. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:39 Highlight the passage at 1:19:39

1:19:59 Yeah. I mean, it's humorous, right, how many shoulds that we have in life on things that aren't even important. But they're just a result of how we were brought up, how we were trained. But that's not the right way of doing things. It's like anyone who's had a close relationship with anyone sees that they view life in a very different way than we do, and they do things in a very different way than we do. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:59 Highlight the passage at 1:19:59

1:20:29 So if we struggle against that and try to get them to do things our way, we're creating a lot of suffering. Drama for ourselves, right? It's a much more peaceful way to live if we just accept, okay, well, there's another way of doing things. It doesn't mean mine's not any better or worse. It's just different, yeah, and just accepting other alternative ways of doing things. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:29 Highlight the passage at 1:20:29

1:21:01 This is a big one in our lives. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:01 Highlight the passage at 1:21:01

1:21:12 the mall or something? It's like, it used to be that's like how people, now people are just like. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:12 Highlight the passage at 1:21:12

1:21:22 I feel like I'm walking on the right, and I feel like, am I doing this wrong? When I was a kid, this is how the traffic flows. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:22 Highlight the passage at 1:21:22

1:21:36 It's like the cars. It seems like the majority of these things, it's like the world is changing. This used to be like what everyone did, or your mother or whoever would jerk you. No. Don't run across that store like that. That's not how it's done. And it's just, the world, it's not, it's impermanent. So everything is changing and a lot of these things that show respect or politeness are, you know, that you were taught when you were growing up just are out the window. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:36 Highlight the passage at 1:21:36

1:22:12 And it's almost like it's hard to walk on the right in Lama nowadays. You know, you just have to leave him. Bobby. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:12 Highlight the passage at 1:22:12

1:22:24 You know, it's on the street, you know, it's like it's kind of hard which way I want to go so that can go the way you want to go. Yep, yep. So people are going to do what they do, right? Why get upset about it? Unless we could change, like if we could change everybody. Then, you know, then life would be good, right? But we can't, you know, we can't change others, you know? And the more we have respect for the way others do things, the more peaceful our lives are, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:22:24 Highlight the passage at 1:22:24

1:22:59 Because we tend to think, okay, well, my way is right. But everybody thinks that their way is right, right? So just respecting, okay, well, their way is just as valid as mine. And it's just as important as mine. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:59 Highlight the passage at 1:22:59

1:23:44 know, it's like also, it happens a lot in Report an error in the passage at 1:23:44 Highlight the passage at 1:23:44

1:24:02 just lucky that most of the does, and we actually have a way to get there, you know, that's convenient. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:02 Highlight the passage at 1:24:02

1:24:15 Definitely. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:15 Highlight the passage at 1:24:15

1:24:28 Yeah, Report an error in the passage at 1:24:28 Highlight the passage at 1:24:28

1:24:39 yeah, definitely. Definitely. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:39 Highlight the passage at 1:24:39

1:24:42 Definitely. And I remember, I mean, I remember when I first moved to Italy, you know, their set of shoulds is totally different from my, you know, ours here. And I mean, I've talked about this before, right? The store, there are no 24-hour stores there, you know, there is no such thing. Stores are open from like 9 to 12 and like 3 to 7 or 8. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:42 Highlight the passage at 1:24:42

1:25:09 And so I remember getting there and thinking, this is wrong. At lunchtime, I should be able to go to the store at lunchtime when I have time. What do you mean the stores are closed at lunchtime? The post office is closed at lunchtime and it's not open on the weekends. So when are people supposed to go to the post office? Report an error in the passage at 1:25:09 Highlight the passage at 1:25:09

1:25:30 And it's just like... That's just the way they do things, right? You know, so we have this, like, sense of entitlement and this sense of expectation that there should always be a store open 24 hours a day. You know, the Safeway or something should be open 24 hours a day, right? Or, you know, I'll get upset, right? Because I have to get, you know, I have to buy things exactly when I want to, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:25:30 Highlight the passage at 1:25:30

1:25:55 I can't wait, right? Or... Or, you know, things should be efficient. Like if anybody's been to India, you just have to let go of that or else you're upset all the time, right? Things are just at a different pace. Things are done in a different way. And we think, okay, well, our way is better than theirs. But who's to say our way is better than theirs? Report an error in the passage at 1:25:55 Highlight the passage at 1:25:55

1:26:20 They're less stressed out than we are. So, you know. Maybe their way is better than ours, you know, who knows. So there are different ways of doing things and different valid ways of doing things. And the more that we can open up to that and respect that, the more, you know, even keeled we'll be. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:20 Highlight the passage at 1:26:20

1:26:46 Joni. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:46 Highlight the passage at 1:26:46

1:26:53 Reminded me of something the way I think I should And I didn't realize I was even thinking I was thinking, when I was younger, I was taught you should never wear pink and red together. You should never wear cowboy boots in a summer dress. should never wear black boots in a white suit. And I realized when I see young women do that now, Yeah. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:53 Highlight the passage at 1:26:53

1:27:29 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But everybody does it, except me. Right. And so, it's like I do, I literally get irritated when women wear cowboy boots and stuff. that's how she's like, I don't know. Oh, but that, Report an error in the passage at 1:27:29 Highlight the passage at 1:27:29

1:27:36 Yeah, yeah, Report an error in the passage at 1:27:36 Highlight the passage at 1:27:36

1:27:42 Yeah, and those were, you know, and those were your mother's rules. You know, the next door neighbor, you know, might have had a different set of rules, right? So, yeah, so a lot of these shoulds are unconscious and we uncover them. Like, anger and irritation helps us uncover them. Like, oh, I didn't even know that I judge people for wearing, you know, whatever. Report an error in the passage at 1:27:42 Highlight the passage at 1:27:42

1:28:07 Too much hairspray or whatever it is. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:07 Highlight the passage at 1:28:07

1:28:32 And maybe they don't think it's important. And maybe they decided it wasn't important. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:32 Highlight the passage at 1:28:32

1:28:43 So the more we can let go of our shoulds, imposing our shoulds on others and judging others, the more we'll be able to let go of our anger and irritation. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:43 Highlight the passage at 1:28:43

1:29:05 There are three ways that we can handle shoulds in a constructive way. The first one, which I think is the best way, is just to accept people as they are and not to expect them to change. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:05 Highlight the passage at 1:29:05

1:29:23 But sometimes we're in a relationship with someone and we really need them to stop leaving their clothes all over the floor. or we really, or it's Report an error in the passage at 1:29:23 Highlight the passage at 1:29:23

1:29:35 It's a situation where there's harm being done and you need to help somebody understand how to do things better. Or at work, somebody's a new hire and they don't know how to do things, so we help them learn how to do things in a way that's more efficient. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:35 Highlight the passage at 1:29:35

1:29:59 So a second option is helping them. Helping them learn. This is a tricky one. First of all, if we're going to do this, it's more effective to do it in a positive way, in a constructive way, reinforcing them in a positive way. Yelling at them for screwing up the accounts is not going to be very effective. If we think about... Report an error in the passage at 1:29:59 Highlight the passage at 1:29:59

1:30:35 How often have we changed because somebody yelled at us? You know, not very often, right? That's not the most effective way to help me change, right? But if people, you know, others reinforce me to change, you know, help me, you know, are very positive and encouraging, then I'm more likely to, you know, do what others want me to do, right? Report an error in the passage at 1:30:35 Highlight the passage at 1:30:35

1:31:03 So similarly, If we're going to try to effect change in the world and in others, then we need to do it in a positive, constructive way. That's the most effective way at least. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:03 Highlight the passage at 1:31:03

1:31:21 And then the third option is to leave. If I can't stand my job and I'm constantly getting angry and my boss is constantly a jerk, I can accept it. I can talk to my boss about it. Or I can leave, get another job. We have these three options. Generally, we have these three options. Sometimes we don't have all of these options, but in general, we have a choice. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:21 Highlight the passage at 1:31:21

1:32:01 So one thing that often brings up anger is that we feel forced. We feel trapped. We feel like there's nothing I can do, and we just point blame. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:01 Highlight the passage at 1:32:01

1:32:14 But for most of us, and in most situations, we do have a choice. You know, my partner's driving me crazy. Well, it was your choice to be in this relationship. You don't have to be in this relationship. You can choose to leave. And that helps dissipate the anger. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:14 Highlight the passage at 1:32:14

1:32:42 Yes, Janet. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:42 Highlight the passage at 1:32:42

1:33:12 Yeah, exactly. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:12 Highlight the passage at 1:33:12

1:33:30 Yep. Yep. All right. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:30 Highlight the passage at 1:33:30

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:33:34 Yeah, exactly. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:34 Highlight the passage at 1:33:34

1:33:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, being honest with, okay, well, I do that too. I'm not perfect either, right? You know, I do things that I don't agree with. That's a good, a really, really useful, you know, thing to remember, you know. I mean, on the road, it's, you know, that's very common. You know, we all do these things. Oh, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:39 Highlight the passage at 1:33:39

1:34:01 I merged into the lane at the last minute and cut somebody off. Well, I get irritated if other people do that, but I've done that too. Report an error in the passage at 1:34:01 Highlight the passage at 1:34:01

1:34:13 Right. Report an error in the passage at 1:34:13 Highlight the passage at 1:34:13

1:34:36 So some antidotes to the shoulds. Accepting that people aren't perfect and they're driven by their own wants, needs and values. People are doing... What they do for a reason. They're trying to meet their own needs. And that's just the way people are. We need to accept that. If we expect others to put our needs ahead of theirs, well, we're going to be frustrated. Report an error in the passage at 1:34:36 Highlight the passage at 1:34:36

1:35:04 So accepting. Remembering the positives. They're good qualities. The things they do right instead of focusing on, oh, well, he's never doing the things I want him to do kind of thing. But balance out those negative thoughts. Remember the positives. Trying to see the other's perspective and don't judge. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:04 Highlight the passage at 1:35:04

1:35:29 Maybe they think that their way is right. Maybe they were brought up. They were never taught about thank you cards. I was never taught about thank you cards. My mom never taught me these things. No, really. So try to see the other person's perspective. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:29 Highlight the passage at 1:35:29

1:35:48 Maybe they don't agree with my shoulds. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:48 Highlight the passage at 1:35:48

1:35:57 I'm going to skip over that and do this exercise that we don't have much time to do. How Report an error in the passage at 1:35:57 Highlight the passage at 1:35:57

1:36:09 many copies are there? Let's see if there's enough. Report an error in the passage at 1:36:09 Highlight the passage at 1:36:09

1:36:16 You Report an error in the passage at 1:36:16 Highlight the passage at 1:36:16

1:36:22 shouldn't Report an error in the passage at 1:36:22 Highlight the passage at 1:36:22

1:36:42 eat in the gompa. Just kidding. Just joking. Yeah, go ahead, I was gonna say, so. Report an error in the passage at 1:36:42 Highlight the passage at 1:36:42

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:36:47 So page three, I want to do this exercise on page three. Did everybody get a copy? Report an error in the passage at 1:36:47 Highlight the passage at 1:36:47

1:37:05 So here in this exercise, I want us to pick like three or four instances when we've been angry. Some of the stronger intensity, not just the like the little irritation that goes away, but one of the stronger instances of anger, you know, either from our anger log or sometime. Report an error in the passage at 1:37:05 Highlight the passage at 1:37:05

1:37:29 And then for each of them, you know, identify, well, fill out this table, but identify what was the need or the desire underneath the anger, the irritation. You know, I was needing attention. I was needing, you know, to be appreciated or something. And then lastly, in the last column. Fill out possible solutions, other solutions to meet the desires besides getting angry and yelling at them. Report an error in the passage at 1:37:29 Highlight the passage at 1:37:29

1:38:09 So the first row I put an example. So we'll spend a few minutes doing this. Report an error in the passage at 1:38:09 Highlight the passage at 1:38:09