Sunday Morning Service (3 August 2008)

0:03 Well, hello everyone. I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't realize I was late. Report an error in the passage at 0:03 Highlight the passage at 0:03

0:33 So my name is Emily and I teach the Friday class here. I have been for a couple of years now. So what I thought that I would talk about today, as you may already know, Buddhism is ultimately about Changing, transforming the mind. The mind is the originator of all of our problems, according to Buddhism. Report an error in the passage at 0:33 Highlight the passage at 0:33

1:06 And that might be hard to really swallow. But at least maybe we can agree that the mind is the originator of most of our problems. Report an error in the passage at 1:06 Highlight the passage at 1:06

1:21 And specifically, Buddhism is about... Overcoming two particular types of thought. Report an error in the passage at 1:21 Highlight the passage at 1:21

1:34 The thought, believing in a separate self, believing that we are all separate beings, however many of us are in here, the 10 different, 10, 12 different beings. We're completely separate. And then we distinguish between self and other. I am, you know, I am. Whatever. You know, I am a woman. I am a teacher. I am an intelligent person. I am da-da-da-da. We think that we are quite self-existently this particular way, forgetting that there are many causes and conditions that came about to establish who we are now, and forgetting how interdependent we are. Report an error in the passage at 1:34 Highlight the passage at 1:34

2:25 You know, everything that I know is dependent on. Having learned something from others, a healthy body, maybe I think I am a healthy, strong person, but a healthy body is dependent on the food that we've eaten, maybe the medicine that we've taken, exercise, other people having taught us how to keep a healthy body. Report an error in the passage at 2:25 Highlight the passage at 2:25

2:56 So our healthy body is dependent on the kindness of many, many others. you know So we can think about our homes too. Our homes, if it's an apartment or a house, is dependent on the kindness of so many other beings, right? Who cut down the trees, who designed the house, who built the house, who put the plumbing in. Report an error in the passage at 2:56 Highlight the passage at 2:56

3:24 I mean, we just turn on the tap and we get hot water, right? And we think, oh yeah, yeah, it just comes, right? We usually don't think about... How many beings contributed and really worked hard to enable that running water to come out of the tap? Report an error in the passage at 3:24 Highlight the passage at 3:24

3:42 Who laid the pipes? Who dug all of the ditches? I mean, really hard work. In the summertime, when it's really hot, we're inside, cooling off, and there are people digging. Report an error in the passage at 3:42 Highlight the passage at 3:42

3:59 And we can think about that with... Everything, you know, is there anything about us that's not dependent on others? Report an error in the passage at 3:59 Highlight the passage at 3:59

4:12 So the first source of suffering is, well actually our main source of suffering is thinking about ourselves as being so separate from others and then caring and cherishing about us and our family and our friends. And then thinking other about everybody else. And then maybe having aversion toward others, judgments toward others, anger toward others, irritation, resentment, etc. Report an error in the passage at 4:12 Highlight the passage at 4:12

4:57 And we see this on small levels and large levels. We see this on a country level. The us, America versus... know, Iraq. Iraq. Us versus them. And as soon as we, in our minds, start thinking us versus them, us, we are all something to protect and cherish and all that. And them, they are other, they are completely different from us and they are the enemy. But if we went to Iraq, we would say that those people are just like us. Report an error in the passage at 4:57 Highlight the passage at 4:57

5:34 They have families, they have people they care about, they want... They want happiness, they want comfort, they want food, they want love. You know, they're the same as we are. But in our minds, as soon as we create that us versus them, then them, they're just some idea, right? Some idea of enemy in our minds. And we don't feel any sort of caring or heart connection with them. Report an error in the passage at 5:34 Highlight the passage at 5:34

6:07 So we do this all the time, you know. At work, right, maybe too, there are people that we like and people that we don't like, you know, people that are enemies, maybe not enemies, but people we don't like, right? And if we notice, it changes all the time, you know, even like our closest relationships and our spouse, you know, if we have a spouse or our family members, sometimes we really care about them and sometimes they're just annoying the heck out of us, right? Report an error in the passage at 6:07 Highlight the passage at 6:07

6:39 And they've done something that we don't like. And so suddenly they've gone from this cherished person to this person that we need to get back at or we have resentment toward. So this cherished person was part of us and then suddenly they do something we don't like and then they become other, them. Report an error in the passage at 6:39 Highlight the passage at 6:39

7:12 So this is constantly creating this source of friction within ourselves and ultimately the problem is that we've separated ourselves from others and then we cherish ourselves as being more important than others. Our focus is primarily on the me or the us versus the them. Report an error in the passage at 7:12 Highlight the passage at 7:12

7:43 So then Report an error in the passage at 7:43 Highlight the passage at 7:43

7:49 what happens? Is that we protect, and it's me, like me and mine, right? It's me and mine versus everything else. So we're protecting, we need to protect my stuff, my property, my family, my, you know, this or that. I need to protect me from, you know, being harmed by others. I need to protect me from being taken advantage of by others. Report an error in the passage at 7:49 Highlight the passage at 7:49

8:20 I need to protect my reputation. I need others to respect me. I value my opinions over the opinions of others. And so as soon as we start protecting us, what does that create? That creates anxiety. That creates fear. Report an error in the passage at 8:20 Highlight the passage at 8:20

8:46 It creates stress, you know, as soon as we're focused on me, you know, my success, my happiness, my comfort, my whatever, then we have all sorts of, we're so preoccupied with making sure I feel well, that I get what I want, I get what I need, and then that creates this tightness and stress within ourselves. Report an error in the passage at 8:46 Highlight the passage at 8:46

9:16 But this is what we do all the time, right? We're constantly focused on me and my. Thinking that this is creating happiness for ourselves, right? That's why we do it, right? Because that's how we think that we'll be happy. But if that really worked, we'd be really happy now, right? Because we've been doing it forever, right? We've been doing it all of this life for sure. And then if we believe in previous lives, we've been doing it in previous lives. Report an error in the passage at 9:16 Highlight the passage at 9:16

9:46 And everybody's doing this, right? So if it really worked, then everyone would be really happy, right? So counterintuitively... Actually, the way to happiness is to cherish others, to really have concern, genuine concern, caring about others. And forgetting about needing to preserve myself, forgetting about my success as much as we can. Report an error in the passage at 9:46 Highlight the passage at 9:46

10:19 And we notice this in our experience, right? When we really love someone and, you know, someone that we love really has a problem and we're really focused on helping them and we forget about ourselves, there's a tremendous relief, isn't there? Report an error in the passage at 10:19 Highlight the passage at 10:19

10:40 We're kind of relieving the pressure because there's so much pressure in trying to keep everything the way that I want it, right? Making sure that the boss appreciates me, you know, making sure that I get the promotion. Making sure that I get what I want. There's a lot of pressure, right? So, you know, in this country there's a lot of depression, there's a lot of loneliness, there's a lot of, you know, mental problems caused by the mind, right? Report an error in the passage at 10:40 Highlight the passage at 10:40

11:18 And so Buddhism would say that's because we're so preoccupied with me. Report an error in the passage at 11:18 Highlight the passage at 11:18

11:28 And then you see, then you see, you know, really great beings like... His Holiness the Dalai Lama. I don't know if any of you have met him or have an impression of him. But here is this person who has lost his country, has been in exile for almost 50 years. He doesn't have a country, he doesn't have anything actually except his own love and compassion for others. Report an error in the passage at 11:28 Highlight the passage at 11:28

12:03 And then if you see him, He's so full of joy. He's so full of lightness. He's so full of warmth and love for others. He doesn't have post-traumatic stress syndrome, which most of us would if we couldn't live in the United States anymore and we were exiled in another country, far away from the people that we love and our culture and the people that understand us. Report an error in the passage at 12:03 Highlight the passage at 12:03

12:31 We probably wouldn't be laughing and feeling really happy. and really warm toward others, So there's something in this, right? There's something in the thought of really caring for others and cherishing others and kind of letting go of needing to take care of me first. Report an error in the passage at 12:31 Highlight the passage at 12:31

13:05 Recently, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, he's been criticized by the Chinese government for being a wolf in monk's clothes. And so I heard an interview with him where the interviewer said, you know, well, what do you think about being called a wolf in monk's clothes? And he just laughed. He says, oh, it doesn't matter. You know, who cares? You know, genuinely, right? I mean, if, you know, when people call us names and falsely accuse us of things, you know, we, it's hard to stay happy, right? Report an error in the passage at 13:05 Highlight the passage at 13:05

13:40 It's hard to laugh it off. But you can tell that he doesn't really care. He doesn't care, you know, whatever. It's just a name. They have the right to their own opinion. Report an error in the passage at 13:40 Highlight the passage at 13:40

13:53 But what he is concerned about is the welfare of the Tibetan people and the Chinese people, that their minds don't get very negative and that they have freedom, right? Freedom of religion, freedom of, you know, to practice their own religious beliefs and to go about in their own culture. Report an error in the passage at 13:53 Highlight the passage at 13:53

14:26 So generally our happiness is dependent on what's happening outside, right, in the external world. If things are going well for me, then I'm happy, right? If people appreciate me, if I have enough food to eat, I have enough money, I have a nice home, then I'm happy. If people treat me well, I'm happy. If people treat me badly, then I'm unhappy, right? If I lose my job, I'm unhappy. Report an error in the passage at 14:26 Highlight the passage at 14:26

14:55 If people don't appreciate me, I'm unhappy. So up and down we go. Up when things are going well and down when things aren't going well. Report an error in the passage at 14:55 Highlight the passage at 14:55

15:05 So in Buddhism we're trying to train the mind so that we can develop this deep, very deep, stable sense of happiness that's not so conditioned on what's happening outside. Report an error in the passage at 15:05 Highlight the passage at 15:05

15:25 There are many different methods to do this, but cherishing others, like really genuinely doing for others, caring about others is the way to more lasting, stable happiness. Because if we're focused on the welfare of others, then what happens to me doesn't really matter so much. If I'm sick, okay, it doesn't matter. Report an error in the passage at 15:25 Highlight the passage at 15:25

15:46 If I just lost $1,000 in the stock market, Report an error in the passage at 15:46 Highlight the passage at 15:46

15:56 so things like that. So if we really observe our minds when we're really focused on what I want, receiving something, our minds are quite small and our minds are quite unhappy, kind of like this poverty mentality, what can I get? Report an error in the passage at 15:56 Highlight the passage at 15:56

16:20 Kind of this unstable, unhappy mind. And then if we notice when we're giving, we're feeling much more expansive. Report an error in the passage at 16:20 Highlight the passage at 16:20

16:41 It's like if we see a beggar on the street and we feel afraid and we don't want to give, then, you know, we don't feel very well. But if we give something, you know, that kind of loosens things up, right? And we just feel, and then we feel good about ourselves too, right? You know, yeah, yeah. And what was it? Report an error in the passage at 16:41 Highlight the passage at 16:41

17:03 I mean, it just took what? You know, giving a dollar, giving... You know, most of us can afford giving a little bit of money to a beggar, but oftentimes we just kind of pass them by, you know, we're a little afraid or we, you know, we tighten up, right? Whereas it would bring much more happiness to ourselves and to the other if we just gave something. And Report an error in the passage at 17:03 Highlight the passage at 17:03

17:30 that's true, you know, for so many things. When we're worried about, oh, well, what this person did to me, this person didn't treat me fairly, you know, then... We feel unwell. Report an error in the passage at 17:30 Highlight the passage at 17:30

17:48 We just feel unhappy. But then if we can change our mind and focus on that person, what would make that person happy? What can I do for that person? Then there's a tremendous lightness in the mind. Tremendous happiness. Report an error in the passage at 17:48 Highlight the passage at 17:48

18:09 And I can speak from experience because this week I've had some... we feel, Report an error in the passage at 18:09 Highlight the passage at 18:09

18:14 Some big mental afflictions about being treated unfairly. That's a big one for me, being treated unfairly. And it's very interesting because I've been trying to work with my mind on it. It's like habitually the mind starts with the story. Oh, well, you know, I've really given up a lot for these people. I've really tried to help and, you know, haven't asked for things in return and da-da-da-da-da. Report an error in the passage at 18:14 Highlight the passage at 18:14

18:45 And here they're totally taking me for granted and, you know, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, you know. So the story starts to come and I'm trying to counteract it, you know, with love and compassion for them. No, they didn't intend to. They're just trying to be happy, da-da-da-da-da. And when I'm able to do that, there's so much more peace in my mind, right? There's so much happiness in the mind. And then the mind goes back to, but, but I didn't go, and then I become miserable again. Report an error in the passage at 18:45 Highlight the passage at 18:45

19:20 And then if I focus on the other again, you know, I feel better. So it's like, I'm completely schizophrenic. No, no, no, but, oh, no, no, but everything is okay. No, but. And it's just so interesting to watch the mind and how it kind of goes, me, me, me, misery, misery, misery, other. Report an error in the passage at 19:20 Highlight the passage at 19:20

19:46 Yeah, you had a question. Maybe we use the microphone. Report an error in the passage at 19:46 Highlight the passage at 19:46

19:55 I know this is coming up in a week or two, but what is the difference between that kind of thinking of the other and codependence? Report an error in the passage at 19:55 Highlight the passage at 19:55

20:06 Oops, sorry. Ding, that's a good question. Report an error in the passage at 20:06 Highlight the passage at 20:06

20:13 Yeah. You know, I'll give you my thoughts on it. I don't have much study in psychology and I don't know technically what codependence is. Report an error in the passage at 20:13 Highlight the passage at 20:13

20:26 But that's a very important question. So codependence, from my understanding, is about, let's see, one thing is enabling others in their bad habits. Report an error in the passage at 20:26 Highlight the passage at 20:26

20:50 Giving, really giving without wisdom, right? Giving, let's say to an alcoholic, giving alcohol to an alcoholic, right? Because I kind of, I need that person to be dependent on me. Like I feel good about giving. I need that person to be dependent on me. So I give not what they need, but give in order to encourage that dependence. Report an error in the passage at 20:50 Highlight the passage at 20:50

21:20 So that's at least one form of codependence, right? Or emotionally, I help this person so that they can continue to be dependent on me. Report an error in the passage at 21:20 Highlight the passage at 21:20

21:34 Whereas perhaps what would really be best is for me to let them flounder a little bit sometimes so that they can learn some independence and they can learn that they have the inner resources. Sometimes, right? It might be helpful. Or encourage them to get professional help instead of being dependent on me. Report an error in the passage at 21:34 Highlight the passage at 21:34

22:00 So that's where the wisdom aspect comes in. So just giving to others without any wisdom isn't necessarily helpful. Report an error in the passage at 22:00 Highlight the passage at 22:00

22:11 So recently I was in Pennsylvania hearing the Dalai Lama teach. And one thing that really struck me about what he said is when you're giving, Report an error in the passage at 22:11 Highlight the passage at 22:11

22:23 Be sure to benefit others. Do what's beneficial for others. So it's not about giving to make me feel better. It's about giving whatever will benefit the other person with as much wisdom as we have. So giving alcohol to an alcoholic might be giving, but it's not benefiting the other. Report an error in the passage at 22:23 Highlight the passage at 22:23

22:58 So then you get into the whole complicated, everything complicated around giving. Because if we truly give what the other person needs, then it can really help them. But if the giving becomes about me, I mean, oftentimes, right, what we give is what I want to give, right, as opposed to what the other person really needs. Report an error in the passage at 22:58 Highlight the passage at 22:58

23:34 So it's important to try to give really with some wisdom about what would actually improve the situation, what would really help that person. Report an error in the passage at 23:34 Highlight the passage at 23:34

23:50 And try to, you know, and then it also takes a lot of honesty within our own minds. Like what is my, what am I giving about? Is it about me? Is it about that other person? Am I giving, expecting something in return? You know, oftentimes we are and we don't really realize it. We're giving. And as long as, you know, they act in the way that I expect, you know, as long as they appreciate me, then I feel well about my giving, right? Report an error in the passage at 23:50 Highlight the passage at 23:50

24:26 But if I give and then they don't appreciate, then I can see my selfish mind come up. But after all I've done for you, you know, you... So if we can... The more we can let go of that selfish mind, the more we can just give purely. The more we can let go of that self, the more stable and deep our happiness will be. Report an error in the passage at 24:26 Highlight the passage at 24:26

25:02 But this is easy for me to say, right? It's one thing to say, it's another thing to do, right? And so that's why we need to train our minds, right, over time, over a long time, unfortunately. Report an error in the passage at 25:02 Highlight the passage at 25:02

25:20 Learning to just give, you know, in. Moment-to-moment situations. In every moment we can decide, do I want to open up and give or do I want to shut down and protect and defend? Report an error in the passage at 25:20 Highlight the passage at 25:20

25:37 And throughout the day we'll do both. Sometimes we'll really be able to give and other times we'll have to kind of protect. But then over time... We learn to give more and more, especially as we notice the mind more and more and we notice what's happening. We notice the level of happiness from giving versus protecting. Report an error in the passage at 25:37 Highlight the passage at 25:37

26:08 And then Lama Zopa Rinpoche, who is the spiritual director of this worldwide organization that we're a part of here at Sechenling, he says bodhicitta, bodhicitta, which is the mind that's really focused on giving, right? Report an error in the passage at 26:08 Highlight the passage at 26:08

26:24 The mind that's seeking to become enlightened in order to be the most benefit to others. So developing this bodhicitta, he says, this is the greatest happiness. This brings unbelievable happiness, he says. And you can see it in his face. You can see it in his whole entire body. Because he's constantly giving, constantly giving. Report an error in the passage at 26:24 Highlight the passage at 26:24

26:53 So soft and gentle toward others, constantly kind of cradling you with His love. It's so beautiful to be around that kind of energy. He says it's unbelievable, unbelievable happiness. Report an error in the passage at 26:53 Highlight the passage at 26:53

27:16 So there's this quote by a great Indian master called Shantideva. He says, whatever joy there is in this world, all comes from desiring others to be happy. Report an error in the passage at 27:16 Highlight the passage at 27:16

27:30 And whatever suffering there is in the world all comes from desiring myself to be happy. Report an error in the passage at 27:30 Highlight the passage at 27:30

27:44 So the more we're focused on me and mine and protecting that, the more anger we'll have, the more fear we'll have. Anxiety, loneliness, depression, jealousy, insecurity, feelings of inferiority. All of those things come from a preoccupation with me. And Report an error in the passage at 27:44 Highlight the passage at 27:44

28:25 so one of the Buddhist practices is to meditate on that. Meditate on the disadvantages of the preoccupation with me. And meditate on the advantages of cherishing others. Again and again. And then just realizing, okay, well, I've been cherishing myself forever. That hasn't worked, so let's try cherishing others. Report an error in the passage at 28:25 Highlight the passage at 28:25

28:53 And see if that works better. Let's see, that'll bring a more spacious, happy, Report an error in the passage at 28:53 Highlight the passage at 28:53

29:04 more harmonious relationships, right? Because arguments come from like me holding on to what I want and the other person holding on to what they want and clash, right? Report an error in the passage at 29:04 Highlight the passage at 29:04

29:19 So when we're really focused on, okay, well, how can I make you happy? Then how can there be disharmony, right? People love it when you want to make them happy, right? Report an error in the passage at 29:19 Highlight the passage at 29:19

29:32 So if you think about all of the advantages, you know, we have more friends, we have more peaceful life, fewer arguments. Report an error in the passage at 29:32 Highlight the passage at 29:32

29:45 That sounds pretty good. And the more we practice that, we notice that our whole lives, I mean, our whole experience starts becoming transformed. Report an error in the passage at 29:45 Highlight the passage at 29:45

30:01 Instead of thinking that people are out to get me, suddenly everybody is your friend. Well, not suddenly, gradually over time, you know, people become your friend. And then gradually people, I mean, everybody in your life seems to be really kind, right? Report an error in the passage at 30:01 Highlight the passage at 30:01

30:25 I mean, it's so interesting to me in my life right now. I just feel so fortunate because everybody around me is so kind. You know, people are just so nice. And I know that my life wasn't always like that. You know, it wasn't. That everybody was really nice when I was growing up. But somehow our reality shifts. Report an error in the passage at 30:25 Highlight the passage at 30:25

30:53 The more we try to practice, the more not only are we happier inside, but our external reality starts changing as well. Report an error in the passage at 30:53 Highlight the passage at 30:53

31:09 I mean, I grew up with a brother who was constantly criticizing me. And it really brought me down. I just couldn't do anything right. Report an error in the passage at 31:09 Highlight the passage at 31:09

31:22 I'd spill something and he'd berate me, or if I'd trip and he'd berate me, or if I said something he'd berate me. And now it's very interesting. It's not that he's completely stopped, but he's much kinder to me now. And it's not that he's changed so much because he still berates a lot of other people. Report an error in the passage at 31:22 Highlight the passage at 31:22

31:52 It's just his way. He can't really help it. But it's interesting how my relating to him in a different way really changes his way of relating back to me. Report an error in the passage at 31:52 Highlight the passage at 31:52

32:14 Okay, so I have this story that I read once about a nun who was living in a nunnery. I think it was a Catholic nun, actually. And they were living in a nunnery, and there were like eight nuns. And one of them was totally annoying to this nun. She would make all kinds of funny noises when they were doing their prayers together. Report an error in the passage at 32:14 Highlight the passage at 32:14

32:43 She had kind of a whiny voice. She was always complaining about things. And this would really upset this nun. Report an error in the passage at 32:43 Highlight the passage at 32:43

32:55 And finally she thought, okay, well probably we're going to be in this nunnery. Living together for a long time, you know, possibly for the rest of our lives. So I can either continue to allow this person to upset me or I can change my mind around it. Report an error in the passage at 32:55 Highlight the passage at 32:55

33:19 And so she did. So she decided the latter, right? She decided that she would really treat this other person, this other nun with love. And she started really thinking about what this nun... Would like and started bringing her tea and helping her up and down the stairs and really, really doing whatever she could to help this other person. Report an error in the passage at 33:19 Highlight the passage at 33:19

33:46 Really thinking about what would make this person happy. And then, you know, guess what? Over time, this other person stopped being annoying. And this other person said to her, I don't know what I deserved. Or what I did to deserve for you to love me so much. Report an error in the passage at 33:46 Highlight the passage at 33:46

34:15 So I love this story because it's so much not about changing your external circumstances, but changing your own behavior, your own mind in order to make the situation better. Report an error in the passage at 34:15 Highlight the passage at 34:15

34:32 So we can all do this right in our lives. The people that annoy us, we can try to put ourselves in their place. We can try to really think about what would make them happy. Because oftentimes, you know, when people are very annoying, it means that they're unhappy, right? They're not getting something that they want. And so we can either think about it in terms of why does this person always have to annoy me? Report an error in the passage at 34:32 Highlight the passage at 34:32

35:04 Why does this person always have to do that? Or we can try to think of it in terms of what would make this person happy? What can I do to make this person happy? Report an error in the passage at 35:04 Highlight the passage at 35:04

35:17 And see. See if something changes. Report an error in the passage at 35:17 Highlight the passage at 35:17

35:31 So one thing I find really helpful that's just very simple throughout the day as people, let's say you're driving down the street and somebody cuts you off or somebody cheats you with disrespect or whatever or you find fear arise in our minds when we see somebody. One thing I find very helpful is to just use as a mantra. Report an error in the passage at 35:31 Highlight the passage at 35:31

36:01 May you be happy. May you be happy. May you be happy. May you be happy. May you be happy. And oftentimes what happens is the mind is kind of conflicted. There's part of the mind that feels fear, aversion or annoyance. And then there's this counterforce that we're trying to apply. May you be happy. May you be happy. May you be happy. And so it kind of alternates back and forth. Report an error in the passage at 36:01 Highlight the passage at 36:01

36:28 But it's very effective if we just keep doing it. We might not mean it at first. They cut you off, you know, and you might feel like that, you know, that whatever, jerk, and then, and then, or something else. And, but then it just immediately applied, may you be happy, may you be happy, may you be happy, may you be happy, and then the mind goes, but you're a jerk. Report an error in the passage at 36:28 Highlight the passage at 36:28

36:56 May you be happy, may you be happy, jerk, may you be happy, may you be happy, right? But the more we say the may you be happy, the jerk part kind of gets drowned out, right? And then if we do it enough, we start meaning it, right? May you be happy, may you be happy, may you be happy. And it's a wonderful practice to do throughout the day because, I mean, it really uplifts the mind instead of being annoyed at somebody. Report an error in the passage at 36:56 Highlight the passage at 36:56

37:26 Trying to counteract that with a wish for somebody to be happy. And I've mentioned this to other people and they've really found this beneficial in their lives as well. One woman, she owns a store and so she has people coming in all the time and whenever an annoying person comes in her store she starts saying this to herself, right? Report an error in the passage at 37:26 Highlight the passage at 37:26

37:49 May you be happy, may you be happy. She says it makes a huge difference. Report an error in the passage at 37:49 Highlight the passage at 37:49

37:58 So maybe try that. Report an error in the passage at 37:58 Highlight the passage at 37:58

38:02 So what do you think? Does that make sense to you? You don't really buy it. I'm Report an error in the passage at 38:02 Highlight the passage at 38:02

38:11 still sort of on the same topic. Okay. And I'm thinking, for me, may you be happy generally works when I first say it to myself. Report an error in the passage at 38:11 Highlight the passage at 38:11

38:28 Maybe I am codependent. Maybe this is just an issue for me. But as you're talking about what you need to do when other people are annoying, I'm thinking, This is what I need to do when I'm in a bad mood. I need to say to myself, well, what will make me happy? Because I still seem to come back to if I'm not okay, if I'm not feeling okay, then nobody else in my life is going to be feeling okay either. Report an error in the passage at 38:28 Highlight the passage at 38:28

39:07 Yeah. Yeah, I think that's very important for us to be happy. If we're unhappy. And we try to give to others, then it's very difficult, right? It feels like something I should do. It's very, like we do it grudgingly and then if people don't appreciate us, then we resent it, right? That doesn't work, right? Report an error in the passage at 39:07 Highlight the passage at 39:07

39:36 So we do need to make ourselves happy as well, right? So cherishing others doesn't mean beating ourselves up. Or neglecting what we really need. We do need to take care of ourselves out of wisdom so that our giving is really freely given. It's happily given. We need to give happily as much as we can. So in some traditions they say to do loving kindness on yourself first and then to expand it out to others. Report an error in the passage at 39:36 Highlight the passage at 39:36

40:22 And for some people I think that's really necessary. Yeah. Especially if we're hard on ourselves. We need to learn a lot of gentleness and kindness toward ourselves. Report an error in the passage at 40:22 Highlight the passage at 40:22

40:38 Because if we're really judgmental toward ourselves, then we tend to be judgmental toward others as well. So we need to learn to be gentle and kind with ourselves in order to be more gentle and kind with others. Report an error in the passage at 40:38 Highlight the passage at 40:38

40:54 I mean, those are my thoughts and that's kind of my own experience around it. In Tibetan Buddhism, they don't talk about that so much, but I've gone through lots of phases myself of trying to figure out what it means to cherish others. Report an error in the passage at 40:54 Highlight the passage at 40:54

41:12 Beating myself up is also a preoccupation with me, Report an error in the passage at 41:12 Highlight the passage at 41:12

41:22 so to let that go too. We're beings that are trying to be happy as well, so let's try to make ourselves happy as well as others. Report an error in the passage at 41:22 Highlight the passage at 41:22

41:34 I think we need to watch the difference between taking care of what we need versus self-indulgence. Report an error in the passage at 41:34 Highlight the passage at 41:34

41:48 And the analogy I like to think about is in terms of, let's say, a car. In order for a car to run, we need to put gas in it, we need to change the oil. right? Report an error in the passage at 41:48 Highlight the passage at 41:48

42:04 In order for it to function, in order for it to function in the way that we need it to, we need to take care of it. But then all the extras on top of that, you know, spending, you know, hours waxing it on the weekend and not letting anybody eat in our car because it might get crumbs on the car. You know, those are extra, right? That starts to get into the attachment, right? Report an error in the passage at 42:04 Highlight the passage at 42:04

42:36 You know, being really afraid that somebody's going to dent it and needing to park far away from everybody. Right, so that's more like self-indulgence, right? So we need to take care of ourselves. We need to make ourselves happy. But once we move into the self-indulgence, then we're getting into the area of, then we need to protect ourselves and we feel fear and the us versus them kind of thing. Report an error in the passage at 42:36 Highlight the passage at 42:36

43:06 Those are my thoughts on the difference. But yeah, really important to be kind and take care of yourself as well. Offer the love to yourself. Does that help other Report an error in the passage at 43:06 Highlight the passage at 43:06

43:24 people's thoughts, questions, or Report an error in the passage at 43:24 Highlight the passage at 43:24

43:35 no stupid questions? Or you can challenge me and say, well, I don't really believe that because of whatever. Report an error in the passage at 43:35 Highlight the passage at 43:35

43:49 Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 43:49 Highlight the passage at 43:49

43:53 You said that we need to give with wisdom. And how do you feel or think that we acquire or we can acquire that wisdom to give wisely? Oh, how do we acquire them? Yes. Oh, my gosh. Report an error in the passage at 43:53 Highlight the passage at 43:53

44:12 That's a good question. Report an error in the passage at 44:12 Highlight the passage at 44:12

44:27 What do other people think? How do you develop the wisdom? You want to bring the microphone? I Report an error in the passage at 44:27 Highlight the passage at 44:27

44:36 think you actually can develop it through trial and error. You could think it all you want. gosh. Report an error in the passage at 44:36 Highlight the passage at 44:36

· · · silence, 1 minute

44:42 Then there's that practice of actually doing something and seeing if it works or not. And I think this topic, kind of what you mentioned adding to it, it's really good to give and to have that capacity to care for others. But I think if you've been denied in some way, you have to be honest with that and really be with that. You know, it has to come from a sincere place. Report an error in the passage at 44:42 Highlight the passage at 44:42

45:04 And, you know, I see that a lot in myself. I'll pause on something and try to find that wisdom. Is this coming from a sincere place or am I just following something that someone has said or what I should or supposed to do? I think first you have to kind of, I find I watch my stomach a lot. If there's a tenseness in my stomach, sometimes the wisdom will come from that itself. Report an error in the passage at 45:04 Highlight the passage at 45:04

45:33 I know when I'm not being authentic about something and I think that that's really important. Report an error in the passage at 45:33 Highlight the passage at 45:33

45:41 Anybody else? Report an error in the passage at 45:41 Highlight the passage at 45:41

45:47 I'm thinking that I don't know the answer, but what comes to my mind is the lojong, which is, I guess, a training in compassion, seems to me to be where I go when I'm looking for wisdom as well, and some kind of empathy, just a caring. Report an error in the passage at 45:47 Highlight the passage at 45:47

46:18 Yeah, I think for me personally, There are a couple of things, also what you were saying about being really honest with yourself. I think really getting to know yourself well and understanding what your motivation is and also understanding your limits. Report an error in the passage at 46:18 Highlight the passage at 46:18

46:46 It's important to give within our limits and I've also heard the Lama say, It's good to give until it hurts a little. Because in that way, we're stretching our limits. Report an error in the passage at 46:46 Highlight the passage at 46:46

47:07 If we're only giving what we feel very comfortable with, then we're not stretching our limits at all. And we won't continue to expand. So it's good to give until it hurts a little. Report an error in the passage at 47:07 Highlight the passage at 47:07

47:25 but that, that. Requires us to really know what our limit is. And then what happens is if we give far beyond what we're able to realistically, then the resentment comes later. The regret for giving so much and all of those kinds of minds that are just not beneficial. Not beneficial for us, not beneficial for the other person. Report an error in the passage at 47:25 Highlight the passage at 47:25

47:30 right. Report an error in the passage at 47:30 Highlight the passage at 47:30

47:57 Maybe anger comes up and then you get in a fight because I gave you so much and here you didn't give me anything in return. So to give slightly beyond our limits so that we can stretch the limits. I think that really works. So first of all, being honest and knowing our limits. Report an error in the passage at 47:57 Highlight the passage at 47:57

48:25 And then secondly, I think really importantly to put ourselves in the other person's place. Report an error in the passage at 48:25 Highlight the passage at 48:25

48:36 What that person is feeling, what kind of situation that person is in, and really try to imagine what they would want, what they really need. Wanting isn't necessarily always the best thing, but what would really help them. Report an error in the passage at 48:36 Highlight the passage at 48:36

49:01 And then trying it out, like trial and error, like you were saying, trying and seeing if that helps. Report an error in the passage at 49:01 Highlight the passage at 49:01

49:13 Choki, you're good at giving. Do you have any thoughts on that one? How to develop the wisdom. You thought you were safe in the back of the room. Report an error in the passage at 49:13 Highlight the passage at 49:13

49:30 Will you pass the mic back? Report an error in the passage at 49:30 Highlight the passage at 49:30

49:40 Wrenching, like, surrounding you. Oh, there we go. Venerable Bean is always saying to sort of push it past your comfort zone. But I think you do have to play with that. And so I like both of those answers because... Report an error in the passage at 49:40 Highlight the passage at 49:40

49:57 When you're feeling like a little more expansive, then just go for it. And it actually is really cool to do. But you never want to regret. They say that that's like a really, really horrible thing. Like you completely undo any positive effect of what you've just done if you regret it later. Report an error in the passage at 49:57 Highlight the passage at 49:57

50:17 I know one of my teachers told a story about his teacher, a student. She offered her house and then regretted it. And it's just like, oh, you know, I mean, like she just gave too big. She was probably trying to push herself and and be able to. And she probably wanted to be able to. And then she regretted it. So you don't want to do that. So but I did one time have the experience of just like when the street guy was sitting outside offering him a 20. Report an error in the passage at 50:17 Highlight the passage at 50:17

50:46 My normal is like a one, you know, here's a one, you know, and I just gave a 20. And it was like his delight. It was just so amazing. It made my whole day. He just giggled wildly. He just sat there giggling while I was getting into the car. So it was just kind of this really cool feeling. And then I remembered to dedicate it. Excellent. So yeah, that's all I would say. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 50:46 Highlight the passage at 50:46

51:10 No, that's good. Report an error in the passage at 51:10 Highlight the passage at 51:10

51:15 Yeah. And sometimes, yeah, with the street people, you know, it's fun to just play with that. You know, I mean, not play with them, but to just give something and see how it feels and give more and see how that feels and give more and see how that feels. Report an error in the passage at 51:15 Highlight the passage at 51:15

51:32 Because it's such a small thing to do, but it can totally make their day or can totally make their month or year, you know. It could be the difference between eating or not eating that day for them. It's so huge for them and it's such a small thing for us. Report an error in the passage at 51:32 Highlight the passage at 51:32

52:03 Well, it's a very lovely story. I have a more kind of unpleasant experience about giving. If we use $20, it's like an automatic you wish from your side, your heart. One time I was parking, go to a movie with my nephew, and there's a lady coming, crying, saying, you know, I've been abused, da-da-da-da-da, and I cannot go back home, my baby's home, da-da-da-da. Report an error in the passage at 52:03 Highlight the passage at 52:03

52:35 And I said, go to the, you know, the house, like a shelter, you know. He said, no, no, the shelter far away, da-da-da-da. And I have a feeling he's cheating, you know. She's crying. For me, my heart is, I cannot, she wants some money, you know. I said, how much do you need? She said, I need to take a car. Report an error in the passage at 52:35 Highlight the passage at 52:35

52:57 I said, I take you there because I drive. Oh, no, no, why? I said, no, no, no, something she gives excuse. But my brain knows she's cheating. But my heart cannot just go. So she needs 20 bucks, 23. And eventually, I cannot guess my heart, I give to her. And she's even giving me an address. And she was crippled, you know, like when she walk away, she walk fine. Report an error in the passage at 52:57 Highlight the passage at 52:57

53:24 And suddenly I know she cheating me. That take me a long time to trust people. Really, it should just cheat because to my heart, it's just crying. And she so say this story. I say, you know, I want my heart to overcome my brain to trust this lady. She want money. Even if it's the right way. So then I talk to several people in certain situations, talk about giving. Then my conclusion is, I have to give wisely. Report an error in the passage at 53:24 Highlight the passage at 53:24

53:52 I say, Paul, you need the money. I know you not tell me the truth, but I really know you need the money. I give you the money. Don't let her say cheating. It's not continuous. She could cheat other people. You know, not because 20 bucks, because be cheating. I so hesitate to give in any more. That's, you know, it's hurting me because, you know, that feeling, it takes a long time. And by talking to other people, my conclusion is, oh, because I'm not wise enough. Report an error in the passage at 53:52 Highlight the passage at 53:52

54:21 You know, combine my brain and my heart. Yeah, you're probably cheating. I tell you, yeah, I know your money, you need the money, but cheating is not good. I still give you 20 bucks, but, you know, don't cheat. You know, do whatever you need to do. This is my conclusion, but it really hurt me. And I just share with you, next time you feed it, you know, come from this. Be wise, not like me, you know. Report an error in the passage at 54:21 Highlight the passage at 54:21

54:44 Not only use heart, only use brain. You need both. This is my, to, you know, kind of take me a long time to kind of move. My healing, even though, you know, by giving. To me, it's like a soul, you know, kind of. But that is really hurting. So I don't want people to have a good motivation, but use our wisdom and good hearts. Report an error in the passage at 54:44 Highlight the passage at 54:44

55:11 Thank you. As much as we can. I mean, we don't have complete wisdom, right? So it's hard to know if somebody's cheating or not. Report an error in the passage at 55:11 Highlight the passage at 55:11

55:22 And we don't know. Oftentimes we're suspicious, right? Oh, well, if this person is... You know, maybe they're going to use it for alcohol or maybe they're going to use it in a bad way, right? We don't know, right? But I think it's important to just try, at least to try to give with the heart. At least, you know, if we don't give them money, but to wish them happiness or, yeah. I mean, it's a tricky thing. And I think we all have to kind of decide on our own. Report an error in the passage at 55:22 Highlight the passage at 55:22

55:55 But I think the important thing is to try not to shut down. No, when we see them. But just if we give, you know, if we want to give money or at least we can give well-being, happiness or, you know, wish for them to have, you know, have a home, have, you know, food, etc. It's tricky. I once had an experience, too, where this woman, you know, She cried and cried and said she hadn't eaten all day. My heart went out to her. She asked for $3 or something. Report an error in the passage at 55:55 Highlight the passage at 55:55

56:41 So I gave her $3 and then I was going into the Walgreens and I thought, oh, I'll just go and buy her a bunch of food. So I went and bought her this huge bag of food and I came out and gave it to her. Report an error in the passage at 56:41 Highlight the passage at 56:41

56:54 And she said thank you and asked me for more money. you know and And what I had concluded for me, because she had made up this whole story about, well, if you give me more money, then I'll have a bed to sleep in tonight. Report an error in the passage at 56:54 Highlight the passage at 56:54

57:10 And the conclusion that I came to was, I'm just really glad I tried. I'm just really glad I gave something. And what she does with it really is up to her. Report an error in the passage at 57:10 Highlight the passage at 57:10

57:24 I'll try to use wisdom in the future, but I'm glad. I mean, I would rather give and have them have some food and maybe they lied a little bit than for me to not have given if they really needed it. You know what I mean? So that was just kind of my own personal feeling around it. But I think we all have to kind of just... Report an error in the passage at 57:24 Highlight the passage at 57:24

57:52 But then what you're saying about wisdom is really important as well. Report an error in the passage at 57:52 Highlight the passage at 57:52

58:03 I think for the giving side, the giver, how do we set up good motivation, be clear why we give and know how to really benefit the other person. The reason I regret is I don't want to motivate cheating more people. That's why I feel, you know... If I give, it means, oh, stupid person, you know, and there's a more stupid person in other place, you know. That's why, like you say, we're giving, but with wisdom. Report an error in the passage at 58:03 Highlight the passage at 58:03

58:34 It's like really benefit the other. So I think two sides is by giver side and the receiver side. So I think we're concerned. The giving side is the motivation. And the receiver side is really benefit the other person. Yeah, I think the concern both sides. Report an error in the passage at 58:34 Highlight the passage at 58:34

58:59 I think this is a practice of awareness, and wisdom comes through awareness. So the more we practice awareness, the more wisdom that's going to come to us. And as far as how much to give to someone on the street, maybe it's more beneficial to donate to an organization that helps people on the street than the individual person. Report an error in the passage at 58:59 Highlight the passage at 58:59

59:38 Let me just ask you, what do you mean by awareness? Practice of awareness of our... No, it was too, but it's for the, yeah, for the recording. Report an error in the passage at 59:38 Highlight the passage at 59:38

59:55 I Report an error in the passage at 59:55 Highlight the passage at 59:55

1:00:07 think that's where the wisdom comes Report an error in the passage at 1:00:07 Highlight the passage at 1:00:07

1:00:15 from. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:15 Highlight the passage at 1:00:15

1:00:23 That's where I feel my wisdom comes from. During times in my life when I wasn't in awareness, my decisions weren't too wise. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:23 Highlight the passage at 1:00:23

1:00:44 yeah, since I have been practicing a lot more wise, go. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:44 Highlight the passage at 1:00:44

1:00:59 Hi. When I do give, the corner I live at, there's a lot of homeless people and a lot of the homeless people I see there are there every single day. And when I give, when I do, I just always give it with the intention that, you know, if I'm going to give them a dollar or five dollars or ten dollars or however much, maybe that'll be the last five dollars that will lead them into a recovery program. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:59 Highlight the passage at 1:00:59

1:01:27 Maybe that'll be the five dollars that will lead them into a better life. You know, I don't, you know, it's not really my money. I mean, it's going to come back. You know, and that sounds really noble, and I tend to hang on to money more than I give it. But when I am able to let it go, I try and keep in mind, again, that that's going to be the $5 that's going to lead them into a better life. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:27 Highlight the passage at 1:01:27

1:01:55 Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:55 Highlight the passage at 1:01:55

1:02:01 I think that's a really good point, Ronnie, actually, because I also, when I give, I try to think, well, it had nothing to do with this situation. I don't even know who that being is. That being could be a Buddha. Could be totally shamming me, but I have no idea. And so I would rather just think, okay, may, by my giving this money, may the center have all it needs. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:01 Highlight the passage at 1:02:01

1:02:21 It just completely takes it outside of that whole situation of me giving my last money to this person who looks like blah, blah and my all. It's just like... May the center always have all it needs so it can reach all beings or something like that. I mean, His Holiness always have all the money he needs for all his projects or something. So it's just like a way of just be giving for giving. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:21 Highlight the passage at 1:02:21

1:02:42 For the sake of giving. Yeah. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:42 Highlight the passage at 1:02:42

1:02:49 And I think for me, I mean, I have a real softness for homeless people because I've spent, well, I mean, not that I've ever been homeless, but... I've spent many nights on benches outside in train stations when I used to travel a lot and slept on the sidewalk one night. And it really gives you the feeling of how awful it is to be really freezing cold, to not be able to sleep well, to feel... Report an error in the passage at 1:02:49 Highlight the passage at 1:02:49

1:03:21 You know, to be so vulnerable out in the elements, you know, anybody can come and attack you. Homeless people get attacked all the time in this city, right? And so then it makes it really personal, right? If you can imagine what it's like to be a homeless person. Instead, oftentimes our judgments come in, well, you should, you know, you should be, you know, you should be getting a job or you should, you know, go work. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:21 Highlight the passage at 1:03:21

1:03:46 You should go to the homeless shelter or whatever, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:46 Highlight the passage at 1:03:46

1:03:52 Which takes it out of the heart. So I think it's really good at any time to really imagine what that situation is like for that other person. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:52 Highlight the passage at 1:03:52

1:04:07 What an incredible kindness it is if you're starving and somebody gives you a five dollar bill. Most of us don't know what it's like to be starving, to be homeless, to not have a bed to sleep in. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:07 Highlight the passage at 1:04:07

1:04:24 Then the giving comes from the heart rather than the should, right? Like, oh my gosh, may this really help you. I Report an error in the passage at 1:04:24 Highlight the passage at 1:04:24

1:04:37 think we're done. Oh, do you want? Sure. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:37 Highlight the passage at 1:04:37

1:04:45 It's again about the homeless topic that when my mom and I, we walk down the street anywhere in San Francisco and you see a lot of homeless people and we right away say, oh, poor them. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:45 Highlight the passage at 1:04:45

1:05:02 then Funny, the other day, she brought a bag of popcorns. And she says, oh, you know, at the farmer's market, they were giving away popcorns for free. So I just got them, but I'm not going to eat them. I want to feed the birds. So it's giving to the animals. Animals are hungry also. So I said to her, well, I don't think it's a good idea to feed the birds in the city because they can give you tickets. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:02 Highlight the passage at 1:05:02

1:05:30 So I took it from her. And those popcorns, it's a big bag about, I don't know, the regular Safeway bag, I guess. I took them and then walked on Polk Street and along the Polk Street in front of the Walgreens, there's homeless. I gave it to them, but I didn't want to give all of it to a single homeless man. I said, oh, you know, if he eats all of that. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:30 Highlight the passage at 1:05:30

1:05:55 That might get him sick. You know, it's just like, oh boy, you know, I felt bad I didn't give him all, but then I was like, okay, he's going to get sick from eating all that popcorn. So I went in the Walgreens and asked for a bag. I said, okay, could you hold this bag for me to the homeless? And I poured some. You know, if I'm thinking, okay, he won't get sick from just eating maybe two handfuls of popcorns. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:55 Highlight the passage at 1:05:55

1:06:18 Then I went along down on Polk Street and another Walgreens near Broadway. And I asked the homeless, would you like some popcorn? And he says, thank you lady, but I don't have teeth to chew the popcorn. I was like, okay, sorry, but I didn't have any cash. So I went and walked along, didn't find any homeless people on, this was like now on North Beach. So then I left the rest of the popcorn next to the garbage can near my home. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:18 Highlight the passage at 1:06:18

1:06:49 Because I have done this so many times when I had shoes, my old pair of shoes, too lazy to go to Goodwill to donate them, but I just leave them next to the garbage can and oh, it's gone, it's picked up. So giving that changes your feelings. I'm not expecting anything back. or nothing expecting that person say oh you're great or anything but it just changes your feelings you know it's a small while compared to that person like wow that was really nice of someone to give me it's just a little you know whether popcorn or a dollar just changes you Report an error in the passage at 1:06:49 Highlight the passage at 1:06:49

1:07:33 This is a popular subject. I think it's giving money or giving objects, but by giving we also give attention to the person and also we just make them acknowledged as a person and it's probably the most important. Yes, yes, yeah. I had an experience where I didn't have any money with me. And I was in Berkeley and this woman came up and asked me for money. And, you know, and I just said, oh, you know, I'm really sorry, you know, for my heart. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:33 Highlight the passage at 1:07:33

1:08:11 I'm really sorry. I wish I could give you, but I don't have any money with me today. And she, you know, and she just said, oh, well, bless you. You know, she just, you know, just having that sincere wish and her feeling it, she just felt really grateful, you know, even without the money. So, yeah. So oftentimes, you know, people just avert their eyes or they get, you know, or you give and, you know, without even looking at the person, right, as if they're not really a person. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:11 Highlight the passage at 1:08:11

1:08:42 So, yeah, so that's such an important point to really kind of connect with that person as a person, be present with them. Okay, maybe we'll finish now and move into the cafe. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:42 Highlight the passage at 1:08:42

1:08:57 Do Report an error in the passage at 1:08:57 Highlight the passage at 1:08:57

1:09:01 you dedicate normally? Okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:01 Highlight the passage at 1:09:01

1:09:31 These virtuous actions may I quickly attain. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:31 Highlight the passage at 1:09:31

1:09:42 jewel bodhicitta that does not arisen, arise and grow. God which has arisen not diminish, may increase more and more. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:42 Highlight the passage at 1:09:42

1:09:56 are the source of all happiness and good. All-powerful children. Thank you, everyone. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:56 Highlight the passage at 1:09:56

1:10:32 somebody wants to collect a pair of books after Report an error in the passage at 1:10:32 Highlight the passage at 1:10:32

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:11:07 everything away? Sure. Sure. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:07 Highlight the passage at 1:11:07

1:11:13 fight it, but it just seems to be the way whose moms have been trained with people in that direction. Well, but if you want them out, we're going to go. No, No, no, no. What I used to try to do is I'll just go into the window. putting these in the window, and they go in the window seat, but table's coming out. Maybe you should just try to wait and then go out. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:13 Highlight the passage at 1:11:13