Kindness or Co-dependence: How to Tell the Difference

0:00 Testing 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, testing 1, 2, 1, 2, Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:09 testing 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. Report an error in the passage at 0:09 Highlight the passage at 0:09

· · · silence, 1 minute

1:37 Oh, no, I just put the unicorns. Report an error in the passage at 1:37 Highlight the passage at 1:37

1:54 still don't see it moving there. Report an error in the passage at 1:54 Highlight the passage at 1:54

2:01 just here. Report an error in the passage at 2:01 Highlight the passage at 2:01

2:11 okay. So just think, people, put into your minds a thought, okay? What is all about thoughts? What is practically very simple and make it complicated? It's about changing our thoughts, getting rid of the old rubbish and putting in new stuff. Report an error in the passage at 2:11 Highlight the passage at 2:11

2:33 So put into our minds thoughts, something like this. Think, you know, sitting here together to think about. thank you, honey. One, two, three, two, three. Report an error in the passage at 2:33 Highlight the passage at 2:33

2:41 the meaning of kindness, the meaning of this very dangerous disease, you know. a very popular topic on the list. Report an error in the passage at 2:41 Highlight the passage at 2:41

2:51 trying to distinguish the difference, why, so that I can rid of the rubbish and develop the qualities, develop my potential, why, so that I can be more happy, so that I can be a fan for others. Report an error in the passage at 2:51 Highlight the passage at 2:51

3:04 So I think for this reason we'll be together listening, thinking, analysing, contemplating, assessing. Questioning, needing received in our mind. Remembering that every thought we receive in the mind, it kind of programs our mind. We are programming ourselves every moment. We are molding our mind every moment. We are creating ourselves every moment. Based upon our thoughts. Report an error in the passage at 3:04 Highlight the passage at 3:04

3:35 Based upon our emotions and feelings. Report an error in the passage at 3:35 Highlight the passage at 3:35

3:44 If we are a Buddhist already, we rely upon the Buddha. Can we reiterate that reliance? In this little prayer, the first divine will do that, and the second divine will be expressing that culturistic motivation. Report an error in the passage at 3:44 Highlight the passage at 3:44

3:57 Sangye Charam Choke Chomnam Lajam Chobarudak Nikyam Shuchi Jagi Chonyengi Phe Sanam Khi Jorla Phenche Sangye Brahmacho Charam Choke Chomnam Lajam Chobarudak Nikyam Shuchi Jagi Chonyengi Phe Sanam Khi Jorla Phenche Sangye Brahmacho Report an error in the passage at 3:57 Highlight the passage at 3:57

4:26 Chodam Tote Chodnam Pajam Drogh Baru Danyi Gyap Chuchi Jagi Chanyengi Phaestanam Ki Jorla Penche Sange Drogh Pachyo Report an error in the passage at 4:26 Highlight the passage at 4:26

4:48 So, what is psychology, and that's really essentially what Buddha is all about, that's his expertise. The mind, you know, the human mind. Buddha psychology is really quite simple, actually. In the West, we make it really complicated. We base it on the body. We give it all these sorts of names every day. There's new names for new diseases we've got, for mental illnesses. The Buddha is very simple. It hasn't changed in two and a half thousand years. Report an error in the passage at 4:48 Highlight the passage at 4:48

5:14 The model is the same, steady, simple kind of structure. In fact, so simple that we actually misunderstand it. It's deceptively simple. Many buddhas think only those buddhas are very nice, but you need a therapist to get really deeply inside yourself, you know, so I can be nice and mindful and be a nice dude. Report an error in the passage at 5:14 Highlight the passage at 5:14

5:33 But really, Buddha psychology is quite outrageous. Buddha is quite radical in his view of what the mind is, very simple and clear in his view of what the mind is, but he's radical in his view of what he can become, how he can develop it, what its potential is. In fact, he's outrageous in a way. So in our culture, Report an error in the passage at 5:33 Highlight the passage at 5:33

5:59 there's this absolute assumption, and we do not question, that none of the models of the mind in the West question, and we do not question, absolute assumption, that what we, you know, the neurotic states of mind, and we all know the words, depression, anger, jealousy, codependence, but these words are, you know, that these things that we know are painful, that we know are neurotic, that we know cause our suffering, and indeed if we look, that we know cause us to harm others. Report an error in the passage at 5:59 Highlight the passage at 5:59

6:27 But these states of mind, in the West, we give equal status in terms of our personality to these states of mind and we do to the ones that we call good. So when we hear words like kind, generous, loving, compassionate, wise, joyful, pleasure, you know, content, we know they're a nice one. We know they're a nice state of mind. We know that to the extent that we have those in our mind, we feel good. And to the extent that we have those in our mind, we can be equal to others, kind to others. Report an error in the passage at 6:27 Highlight the passage at 6:27

6:57 This we know, automatically. But we kind of think, oh, that sounds a bit too simple, you know. We kind of look around for all the problems, like looking for a needle in a haystack. Must be something more than that. But this is what Buddha deals with. This is his stuff. This is what Buddha's psychology is about. Learning to distinguish between these two sets of states of mind. Report an error in the passage at 6:57 Highlight the passage at 6:57

7:21 And he makes this really, you know, his view is profoundly different. You know, the view we have in the West, like I said, we get equal status to these states of mind. And we truly believe that they are both equally normal. The assumption being that if you were missing one or more of these, you'd be not normal. Report an error in the passage at 7:21 Highlight the passage at 7:21

7:44 So even though, this is an awful conflict, even though we know anger is a nightmare, jealousy is a nightmare, depression is unbearable, even though we know that and we would do anything to get rid of it, to stop feeling that way. At the same time, we fiercely hold on to our right to have it. Because we think it's normal. All our models of the mind tell us it's normal to do these things. Such that you'd be abnormal if you didn't have them. So there's an enormous conflict right there. Report an error in the passage at 7:44 Highlight the passage at 7:44

8:11 But we never try to reconcile it. And we ought to. So Buddha, you know, and this is the trouble is because Buddhism is presented so kind of sweetly, you know. Because Buddha is this cute guy, you're watching his breath and he's mindful and peaceful. You kind of like, you want peace to be a Buddhist, but you want happiness, you don't think of being a Buddhist. Report an error in the passage at 8:11 Highlight the passage at 8:11

8:30 Thank you. We really misconceived we were saying. Report an error in the passage at 8:30 Highlight the passage at 8:30

8:44 is saying, first, we all, naturally, innately, have the potential to be, like, ridiculously happy, ridiculously kind, ridiculously loving, compassionate, and wise. But these so-called positive qualities... Report an error in the passage at 8:44 Highlight the passage at 8:44

9:01 at the core of our beauty. That these qualities define our very being. They are at the core of our being. And the potential we have to develop in this will blow our minds. There's no way in our usual view in the West we can even conceive of the extent to which we can develop these qualities. And so equally, the Buddha is saying, this is the even more outrageous, radical bit, is that we can utterly get rid of the neurosis. Report an error in the passage at 9:01 Highlight the passage at 9:01

9:32 So, of course, like I'm saying, that doesn't sit comfortably for us in the West because we truly believe without question that you'd be abnormal if you didn't have some anger, some jealousy, some depression, you know. We really believe that. We don't question. There's no, I don't think any model of the mind in the West would even begin to question that simple assumption. This is Buddha's simple thing. Report an error in the passage at 9:32 Highlight the passage at 9:32

9:52 So it's not a question of believing what he says. That's the universe. It's a question of listening to it, giving it some credibility, taking it as hypothesis and then learning about it. Report an error in the passage at 9:52 Highlight the passage at 9:52

10:12 you think it's reasonable, you go check it out and you take it into your hypothesis, and then you run with it, you work with it, and you practice it. And what the practice of it is, is the process of verifying. Report an error in the passage at 10:12 Highlight the passage at 10:12

10:25 you go practice, when you go do your homework about one and one plus two, you're doing two things simultaneously. One, you're understanding it. But in that process, you're verifying that it's the truth, aren't you? Well, same here. The Buddha is proposing, you know, your math teacher proposes that one plus one equals two. Report an error in the passage at 10:25 Highlight the passage at 10:25

10:45 Well, you go do your homework, you verify it. You check it out. You make it your experience and you verify it as the truth and then it becomes your own. That's what Buddha is saying to him. He's telling you that you can be completely free of anger and neurosis and jealousy and fear and codependence and all of that. Report an error in the passage at 10:45 Highlight the passage at 10:45

10:59 Because why would you want to be? Because I'm a child, he says. They are the cause of what you need to do. they are why you make other things they are distorting all the stuff you want to do the thing Report an error in the passage at 10:59 Highlight the passage at 10:59

11:14 the positive stuff, which he says is at the core of your being and this negative stuff isn't, it's like pollution, it's like attitude. They don't belong. Report an error in the passage at 11:14 Highlight the passage at 11:14

11:32 away and I'll hold you. It's a lovely deal. Go on, take it away. a lovely deal. I can just kind of relax like this. I'm going to lick it like an ice cream. Report an error in the passage at 11:32 Highlight the passage at 11:32

11:44 Okay, so... This is really the heart of Buddha's stuff. Now these words aren't complicated, are they? These words are really, really simple words. Actually, we should be completely blissed out hearing them. We should be going, oh my God, is that what he says? That's unbelievable. We should not let go of this for one second. I mean, it's totally outrageous what he's saying. Report an error in the passage at 11:44 Highlight the passage at 11:44

12:06 So please hear these words, practically. Not as religion, but as something you're supposed to believe in, which is how we think, or to feel good about, or get a gooey feeling, or go be mindful about it. Report an error in the passage at 12:06 Highlight the passage at 12:06

12:17 Don't gloss over it. Don't mystify it. It's really insulting to ourselves. I mean Buddha doesn't care. He's cool. He's done the job. It's quite shocking what he's proposing. It's not complicated. You don't have to squeeze your brain, let's say, when you have to try and think about what the meaning of emptiness is. This is kind of simple. Report an error in the passage at 12:17 Highlight the passage at 12:17

12:40 A five-year-old could learn these words pretty quickly. Negative states of mind are the cause of your suffering. You don't need them. You can get rid of them because they're not innate. The positive states of mind are the cause of your happiness and you can grow them. There you go. It's simple. So obviously the next step would be, well, do I want that? So how do you convince yourself this might be something useful to do? Report an error in the passage at 12:40 Highlight the passage at 12:40

13:01 Well, you should think about it. Just do your own market research in your own mind. Check the last time you were jealous, the last time you were angry, the last time you were depressed. I guarantee you, you don't go, wow, that's great. Report an error in the passage at 13:01 Highlight the passage at 13:01

13:15 You do not. It's real simple. So if it is a painful experience, if it is a painful experience, then surely the next question would be, I wonder if I can change. But isn't it fascinating that we don't say that? We usually say, who caused it? Who's the blame for this? And usually it's, you know, I didn't ask to get born. Report an error in the passage at 13:15 Highlight the passage at 13:15

13:39 It's my mother's fault. It's his fault. It's her fault. It's always something else's fault. And that's, you know, one of the main stumbling blocks we have to be able to even hear simply what the Buddha is saying, what the Buddha is suggesting. We're so kind of schizophrenic, as Lama Zopa, you know, impoletely puts it, about the way we think reality is. Report an error in the passage at 13:39 Highlight the passage at 13:39

14:03 We know we're depressed. We know we're jealous. We know we're codependent. We know it's a nightmare. We wish, we beg, we desperately want to be free of this stuff. But somehow we're so kind of caught up in it. But tragically caught up in a very strong philosophy that really believes it's not my fault. It's my genes, it's the DNA, it's the chemicals, it's my mother's fault. Report an error in the passage at 14:03 Highlight the passage at 14:03

14:27 We don't blame God, of course. Lester and Italian, they blame God. And it's very rude words, very rude ways of insulting God, you know. So it's very hard for us to come to this simple conclusion. Well, it is a miserable feeling, what can I do to change it? Because the voice, if we look into the voice of anger and the voice... Report an error in the passage at 14:27 Highlight the passage at 14:27

14:47 of depression, the story it tells, that we can be very skilful and write down on a piece of paper, in our journal the way, what it's saying know, anger or depression, will see that what it's preoccupied with what he did and what she did and what it does and all the stuff outside So if you're really angry and you come to me and you tell me about it, your words will be like this, won't they? Report an error in the passage at 14:47 Highlight the passage at 14:47

15:17 They'll be, how dare he do this? He said this and he did that and it is not fair. I did not do this. He is outrageous. He is an unkind person. He is a hard person to get on with. Your words are all about this person, aren't they? But they're said in this very volatile way. So I would say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mary. Report an error in the passage at 15:17 Highlight the passage at 15:17

15:37 That's fine. That's about Fred. What about you? I'll say, tell me about your problem again. And you'll repeat the story, won't you? He did this. He said that. How dare he do this? And if you look into your mind, which feels the pain or the anger, the thoughts are totally about him. Report an error in the passage at 15:37 Highlight the passage at 15:37

15:59 It's a thing. Report an error in the passage at 15:59 Highlight the passage at 15:59

16:04 To understand these negative states in mind, you know, in this very unique way that Buddha does, what we have to learn to see is this one, is this story that these emotions are telling to us. So in other words, there's two things. There's the emotion, which we usually think of as physical based, because we only feel that anger, notice even that we're angry when it gets to the level of physical feeling. Report an error in the passage at 16:04 Highlight the passage at 16:04

16:35 So a person who has the internalised anger, which is called depression, you only know you're depressed when you are so inert that you can't get out of bed one day. The person who's volatile only knows they're having angry thoughts when the words are vomiting out the mouth. Report an error in the passage at 16:35 Highlight the passage at 16:35

17:01 So the key to help us understand the dynamics of these emotions we feel is this very unique way of what I look at it, and it's not too difficult to see it, we just have to think about it carefully, is to see how these emotions are Report an error in the passage at 17:01 Highlight the passage at 17:01

17:22 just a physical and gross expression of thought. So in other words, one of you people in this room might not express your anger in a volatile way. Lots of people are like that. And by the way, that's really admirable. Because you don't harm others with your speech. If you were to get in touch with what you're feeling and try to write it down, your angry feelings, you know, all the stuff that's suppressed for you. Report an error in the passage at 17:22 Highlight the passage at 17:22

17:52 And then a person, let's say like me, who expresses their thoughts in a kind of volatile way through their mouth. And all you have to do is record what I say. I wouldn't need to write it down. You just record it and then you can transcribe it for me. It would be very helpful. You understand what I'm saying here? Report an error in the passage at 17:52 Highlight the passage at 17:52

18:10 Now you're going to have two little records there. You're going to have a record, isn't it? A record. A record. You're going to have two records. Report an error in the passage at 18:10 Highlight the passage at 18:10

18:20 One of the person who is quiet and one of the person who is volatile. And normally speaking, if you know, you'd see the volatile person, you'd say, oh yeah, that would be really angry. Because you see the physical expression of it. This is true, isn't it? You understand? But the other person, they look like a quiet person. They sometimes look a bit sad. Because they don't express it through their mouth, you don't really know what they're feeling. Report an error in the passage at 18:20 Highlight the passage at 18:20

18:42 But if you have them both down on a piece of paper, you're not going to see much difference, are you? They're both going to be saying, how dare he do that? If it's not fair, you understand my point. So then when we starkly see, and this is the unique characteristic of Buddha's view of understanding the mind. Report an error in the passage at 18:42 Highlight the passage at 18:42

19:01 Then you're going to see really starkly this point that these emotions we feel, or don't know we feel, come down to being elaborate conceptual stories. Report an error in the passage at 19:01 Highlight the passage at 19:01

19:18 Are you hearing my point, people? But the trouble is, like I said, because we're not taught in our culture to look into our minds, we have no such concept. Introspection is coming more and more, it's marvellous, you know, people are learning it, you know, studying at a university, doing experiments, it's fantastic now. In Report an error in the passage at 19:18 Highlight the passage at 19:18

19:39 general, we're not taught to be introspective. Or even if we are, we don't quite know what to do with it all. We go around in circles in our heads, you know. Report an error in the passage at 19:39 Highlight the passage at 19:39

19:52 So to begin to be able to see, to listen to what's happening in our minds before it comes out like a volcano out the mouth, or before you get to the point of being so inert you can't move, you know. This is the marvelous thing. This is the great stuff that Buddha has to offer. This is his unique thing. And there's these types of these marvelous psychological techniques that they call in Buddhism meditation, which we mystify immediately to hear. Report an error in the passage at 19:52 Highlight the passage at 19:52

20:22 It leaves our common sense and go la-di-da-di-strange. But it's just a word. In fact, the word in Buddha, the word in Tibetan. So we were surprised that the word meditate, the word is gom. I think something like this. I think it just is a verb. To familiarise your mind with, well that's a grand way of saying, to think about, you know. So when you do, if you go to learn it one on one is two at school and your teacher will go say go home and do your homework. Report an error in the passage at 20:22 Highlight the passage at 20:22

20:50 Well if you're speaking like a Buddhist you'd say go and meditate on it. So we think that means kind of like . Report an error in the passage at 20:50 Highlight the passage at 20:50

20:59 No, no, no. You think it through. You get your nuts and bolts together. You've got to know what one is. You've got to know what plus is. You've got to know what equal is. You've got to know what two is. And you slowly put it all together and a little penny drops, doesn't it? Well, that's what meditation, one type of meditation is. It's a very clear, focused, thinking something through until the penny drops. Report an error in the passage at 20:59 Highlight the passage at 20:59

21:20 And we're very good at that in the West when it comes to math and science and computers. We're geniuses. The Buddha's expertise is in that same skill, but about your own mind itself. So, okay, again, the starting point for the Buddha, which I think is so marvellous. This is his third noble truth. I wish he taught it first, I think. I think it's far better to have the third one first. So I always start with the third one. And the third one is where he says, you know what, people, you can be free of something. Report an error in the passage at 21:20 Highlight the passage at 21:20

21:48 You can be free of this garbage. You can get out of this inner feeling. Another easy-going way of saying that is your mind has this marvellous potential. Report an error in the passage at 21:48 Highlight the passage at 21:48

21:58 For the good stuff. And to get rid of the bad stuff. The word Buddha, in fact, is two syllables. The first syllable in Sanskrit or in Tibetan. The first syllable, I think, implies the complete removing of all the neuroses. And the second syllable is referring to the complete development of the qualities. Report an error in the passage at 21:58 Highlight the passage at 21:58

22:18 So this is a really simple way of talking about what Buddha is saying. But the positive states of mind are the core of our being. They are the very kind of... They're the very nature of our mind, speaking in a conventional sense. They are what our mind finally is when it's free of all the nonsense. And then the mind can be free of the nonsense, the delusions, the neuroses, these misconceptions, these unhappy emotions. Report an error in the passage at 22:18 Highlight the passage at 22:18

22:41 So this is sounding good, right? Fantastic, I would like this. But the trouble is, the stumbling blocks are several. One of them I've already mentioned. We know they feel bad, but because we're so caught up in the object of those thoughts, the person who did it. We can't get in touch with the thoughts themselves. We can't learn to analyse them. Because all we do is reinforce our own pain. Reinforce the lie that these misconceptions, the lie that these neurotic emotions return. Report an error in the passage at 22:41 Highlight the passage at 22:41

23:10 And that's a tricky one. This is a very peculiar idea for us. But our unhappy emotions are liars. So let's look at that. That's one huge stumbling block. We can't get past the object. Because all these neuroses... They're schizophrenic in the sense that they're completely caught up in the object, whether it's the positive, whether it's the attachment, you know, that completely glom, glom itself onto the case, or it doesn't see the case, you can't see the attachment itself, or the anger, or it doesn't see the person, you can't see the anger itself. Report an error in the passage at 23:10 Highlight the passage at 23:10

23:43 So that's the major, major obstacle. But the other one is, another one is, that I didn't ask to get born, it's not my fault. I'm made this way, and it's normal. And we fiercely hold on to that. We fiercely hold on to that. And then, of course, because we're part of the materialist world, which posits that the mind equals brain. Report an error in the passage at 23:43 Highlight the passage at 23:43

24:08 We don't posit a non-physical thing called consciousness. Well, maybe this day it's happening, I'm not so sure. There's lots of, you know, discussions, cross-discussions between, you know, the Buddhists and the materialists, and there's marvellous as a result of what's happening with these great experiments that are going on. Report an error in the passage at 24:08 Highlight the passage at 24:08

24:25 The discovery that actually we can change our mind, you know. People are finally agreeing with the Buddha. It's very nice to hear. It was a long sentence and I can't remember the beginning of it. Report an error in the passage at 24:25 Highlight the passage at 24:25

24:40 Okay, so why what seems easy to hear, that we can get rid of the negativities and grow the positive ones, why it's so difficult for us. The first one is because we objectify it all, put it out there on the object, we don't look here or look there. The second one is because we really do believe we're made this way by somebody else, which for Buddha is the knuckiest idea you've ever heard. Report an error in the passage at 24:40 Highlight the passage at 24:40

24:58 But we truly believe that there's a truth in the West, which is reinforced by our view that mind is your brain, is the DNA, is the genes. So we've got to be very skillful in our ability to be able to see there's no contradiction here between Mother and Father. Of course they gave you the egg and, you know, as a result of the egg and stone coming together, they give you a very nice body. Thank you, Mummy and Daddy. They give you the DNA and the genes. There's no contradiction between seeing this and the implication of this and the effects of this. Report an error in the passage at 24:58 Highlight the passage at 24:58

25:22 And seeing that your mind is yours isn't one of the unique things. Your mind is yours. It doesn't get cleared by anybody. You bring it with you. You become fully programmed as it is we. Okay, you can't have to believe that, but you take it as your hypothesis. Report an error in the passage at 25:22 Highlight the passage at 25:22

25:40 But your thoughts are yours. Yes, genes play a role. Brain plays a role. How can you say it doesn't? Of course it does. Things are interdependent, you know? I mean, your Tibetan doctor would agree. You do a Buddhist Tibetan doctor. You go to your Tibetan doctor and he feels your pulses. He won't talk about the chemical imbalance. He'll talk about the wind imbalance, which is physical. Report an error in the passage at 25:40 Highlight the passage at 25:40

25:59 So he'll give you your medicine to work on the physical. But he will say, the Buddhist one being, you know, he's a veteran doctor, there's an interdependence between the physical and the mental, but they're different. So this is the hypothesis we need to really get clear, because this is where the space is, you know. Report an error in the passage at 25:59 Highlight the passage at 25:59

26:19 So the stumbling block is, first we get caught up in the external, which prevents us from looking inside here. Secondly, we believe it's normal, so why would I want to change it anyway? Third, we think it's physical, and what can I do? Unless I take a pill, you know. So then all these things are kind of conspiring against our ability. Report an error in the passage at 26:19 Highlight the passage at 26:19

26:38 To hear ourself clearly. To listen to our own mind. Which is where these marvellous concentration techniques come from. And these are pre-Buddha. They've been around for thousands of years. We took them from the Hindus and they're very happy to share. And these are amazing psychological techniques. I mean like outrageous. We should be blissed out when we really see the skill of these techniques that have been around for thousands of years. Report an error in the passage at 26:38 Highlight the passage at 26:38

27:08 We suddenly refuse to even think about this psychologically. We think they're hippy-chippy religious, you know. But a communist can happily do that. They've got nothing to do with religion whatsoever. And this is a fact. This one type of meditation that's marvellous, skilful, outrageous, that enables a person to develop focus. Report an error in the passage at 27:08 Highlight the passage at 27:08

27:26 And we can see, out of our brains, because we can't control this crazy mind about it. Because we don't have techniques like this in the West. Report an error in the passage at 27:26 Highlight the passage at 27:26

27:36 They are astonishing. They should be in every education program from the time we taught each other. But even then, when we do it, we think they're a hippie or some religious freak at their meditation. Whereas they're just practical, psychological techniques. It's really simple to say. A crucial step, Buddha is saying, is that the positive are innate within us and we can develop into an insane degree of delight. Report an error in the passage at 27:36 Highlight the passage at 27:36

28:03 So the negative are not at the core of our being, are completely poisoned, cause all our suffering and we would love, would want to get rid of them. We need to find the method to learn to listen to this mind, Report an error in the passage at 28:03 Highlight the passage at 28:03

28:20 because then we can begin the little work. This is when you begin to be a Buddhist, when you begin to be your own thing, begin to unravel this unbelievably complex mind you have. In its nature, not complex. It's only complex if we don't know it. Like anything, until you know something, it's complicated. But our mind is not innately complicated. Report an error in the passage at 28:20 Highlight the passage at 28:20

28:42 It is because we've never looked at it. We've allowed it to run riot. So the Lord knows how long. Uncontrolled. Report an error in the passage at 28:42 Highlight the passage at 28:42

28:52 Being skilled in Buddha's terms, using this very simple model he uses, he talks about the contents of our mental consciousness. There are three, really simple. Positive, negative and mutual. Forget mutual, okay? Report an error in the passage at 28:52 Highlight the passage at 28:52

29:07 But the positive and the negative, this is the thing. Report an error in the passage at 29:07 Highlight the passage at 29:07

29:13 And this is, again, one of the major reasons why it is so complex, so difficult for us to see our minds clearly. Because, you know, positive and negative, for us, they're utterly distinct from states of mind. This is the unique, again, the unique thing about Buddhist psychology. The negative states of mind have these specific qualities that by definition the positive ones lack. Report an error in the passage at 29:13 Highlight the passage at 29:13

29:38 We can learn about it first intellectually, which we must be, let alone the theory first. But it's enormously difficult to see it in practice because they don't function separately. Sometimes in one moment you have pure anger and the next moment you have pure compassion. They come together. And this is the tricky bit. And this is where we get to kindness or co-dependence. For example, one of the pairs. They're completely mixed together right now like water and milk. Report an error in the passage at 29:38 Highlight the passage at 29:38

30:04 If you see water and milk in a glass, it is impossible, isn't it, to see the difference. They're completely merged. This is the trouble with our states of mind. So as long as we have in our mind, first of all, this idea that there are some states of mind within us. That I am in their nature negative, in their nature destructive, in their nature delusional, in their nature the cause of my suffering and the cause of why I harm others and are not at the core of my being and can be rid from my mind. Report an error in the passage at 30:04 Highlight the passage at 30:04

30:33 This is Buddha's thing. This is his trick. And that the positive states of mind are at the core of my being can never be gotten rid of and can only be developed and can only cause me happiness and can only cause me to make others happy. So clearly we ought to... We ought to want to find the methods to see the difference between these two. But that's the tricky bit because they come together, like water and milk. Report an error in the passage at 30:33 Highlight the passage at 30:33

30:57 It's really hard to see the difference. So of course in our Western models it's hard to see the difference if we don't think like this. We have a word called attachment in our culture, but every one of us in this room would have a different definition, I'm quite sure. Report an error in the passage at 30:57 Highlight the passage at 30:57

31:12 So this word codependence, I think Woodall would have liked it very much. A very nice term. That's another, that's a cinnamon for attachment. Buddha's understanding of attachment. So attachment is a simple, simple word. This is the key to understanding Buddha's explanation of what suffering is. Report an error in the passage at 31:12 Highlight the passage at 31:12

31:32 So in the first noble truth, there's a very nice packaging of Buddhist teaching. The first noble truth is that there is suffering. And he puts three clients. The first client is in your faith suffering. There's suffering of suffering. Really clear. And that's the stuff, broadly speaking. that the term we use for suffering is the stuff we don't want. Or basically, suffering is what we get when we get what we don't want. Report an error in the passage at 31:32 Highlight the passage at 31:32

32:04 not being mean, whether it's the rape or the red light, you know. It's the stuff that activates our aversion, that is painful. That's all, and that's all we mean by suffering in our culture. That's just the tip of the ice cream, but it works. He goes to the second level which is... It's like a honey-covered razor blade. And it's kind of depressing initially because what we call happiness, which is what you get when you get what you want, is what he calls the suffering of change. Report an error in the passage at 32:04 Highlight the passage at 32:04

32:36 He calls this even a subtler level of suffering, more insidious. When Lama Zopa Rinpoche wrote a letter, a 21st birthday card to one of our prisoners, the first guy who wrote for us years ago, he said that he's in his cell 23 hours a day with an orange jumpsuit, disgusting food, 10... You know, ten books, the inside of a pen, and that's about it. And a pad to write on. And he walked up and down in another cell. For what? Report an error in the passage at 32:36 Highlight the passage at 32:36

33:03 For us, that's outrageous suffering. But Lama Zopa said to him, your prison is nothing in comparison with the inner prison of ordinary people. And that's the second kind of suffering. It's the suffering of the neuroses. It's the suffering of the neuroses, the suffering of attachment. He said, the prison of attachment, the prison of anger, the prison of pride, the prison of depression. Report an error in the passage at 33:03 Highlight the passage at 33:03

33:21 These things that we take for granted, that we assume are normal, so depressing to think of, they are the nightmare. Report an error in the passage at 33:21 Highlight the passage at 33:21

33:36 This is the second kind of suffering. Specifically the suffering of change, which is what comes from the bottom line of these delusions, effectively from this form of the truth's way of presenting Buddhism the main cause of our suffering day to day. So if it's true, then it's kind of surprising because this word is so cute, attachment. The problem is we don't have the same definition as the Buddha. Report an error in the passage at 33:36 Highlight the passage at 33:36

33:58 So, you know, it's got, as long as we, in this discussion, you need to use Buddha's view, because I'm going to tell you a cat in the garbage, and if you think it means love, you're going to be very depressed and you're going to walk out of the room. And you should, if it is that. But attachment, for the Buddha, is this fundamental delusion, fundamental neurosis, that's deep in the bones of our being, that actually goes so deep, so primordial, that we really don't notice it. Report an error in the passage at 33:58 Highlight the passage at 33:58

34:25 We notice it at the gross level. Like, ooh, I'm so attached to chocolate cake, you know? But it's at a much more subtle level. It's just there all the time. Like I said, default mode. It's really hard to see. So in general, according to the Buddhist psychology, you know, the negative states of mind, these ones that we say are not innate, but we can get rid of, but it's a source of our pain, have two main characteristics. Report an error in the passage at 34:25 Highlight the passage at 34:25

34:47 And this is the key to understanding. And these are indicated by two of the terms used in Buddhist psychology that are synonyms for the terms of simply negative states of mind. Report an error in the passage at 34:47 Highlight the passage at 34:47

35:01 And that is destructive emotions, one of them. And these indicate by their words themselves, they indicate the problem, they indicate the quality. So destructive emotion, sorry, disturbing emotion. Disturbing, destructive emotion is another sentence. The term disturbing emotion. This ought to be enough reason for us never to want to be depressed again and to go pay a hundred million dollars if we hear that someone has a method to get rid of depression. Report an error in the passage at 35:01 Highlight the passage at 35:01

35:31 It should be enough for us. you know, because we have all these obstacles to seeing it, it's not enough for us. We know it's disturbing. But we say, it's whose fault, or it's the Jean's fault, or my parents' fault, or I can't help it, or it's natural, or I was born this way. This is our somnage. But to hear the Buddha saying it is that you can change it. It is your mind. It's disturbing, and I'm saying there should be enough reason want to find evidence to understand it. Report an error in the passage at 35:31 Highlight the passage at 35:31

36:00 So we can see, pretty easy, jealousy, depression. You know, these things are disturbing. The other characteristic I'm going to discuss is that they're delusional. Now that's very offensive if we're told somebody says you're delusional, you'd be most upset. And I'm sorry, but certainly the Buddha is saying precisely that. He talks about we don't see things as they are. That sounds very zen-like. We don't mind that. But if you hear him say that you're all delusional, folks, you think he's being a bit rude, you know? Report an error in the passage at 36:00 Highlight the passage at 36:00

36:29 But that's exactly what he's saying. If he's saying you don't see things as they really are, that equals delusional, doesn't it? We only think of people right over there on the outer edge of madness who are delusional, but I'm kind of normal. Isn't this true? But the Buddha, in this sense, too, he is more radical in the way that he describes mental illness. Report an error in the passage at 36:29 Highlight the passage at 36:29

36:51 And he would again have liked that term very much. It's a great phrase, mental illness. He is saying, actually, we are all mentally ill. We are all delusional. But it's just a question of the guru, and that's the simplest way to put it. Report an error in the passage at 36:51 Highlight the passage at 36:51

37:07 Whereas, again, in our view, we've got this absolute that they're normal, but if they're out of control, then you're not normal. But as long as you're in this well-rounded, you know, as long as you've got some depression, some anger, some jealousy, all nicely under control, now you're a nice and well-rounded person. Report an error in the passage at 37:07 Highlight the passage at 37:07

37:22 But Buddha says we can do far more. Like I'm saying, he's more radical. Report an error in the passage at 37:22 Highlight the passage at 37:22

37:28 So these two characteristics are what we have to recognise. This is what we have to do. Then we can begin to verify what the Buddha is saying. Then we can begin to recognise these states of mind in our mind. They're disturbing and they're delusional. So let's look at these ones, this one called codependence. Because it clearly functions in, you know, it's a specific way that attachment functions. Report an error in the passage at 37:28 Highlight the passage at 37:28

37:55 Attachment's got a multitude of facets. It's a simple word, and at the bare bones, all these delusions, all the neuroses, can be defined as states of mind that kind of embellish what's there, that are exaggerating what's there. As Lama Zopa puts it, that decorate on top of what is there, with certain qualities that aren't there. Report an error in the passage at 37:55 Highlight the passage at 37:55

38:21 This is the key way the neuroses function. So, in other words, simply speaking, If you have attachment to chocolate cake, what that means is that that attachment within you, what it's doing in its bare bones function is exaggerating the division of the chocolate cake. If you have aversion to somebody, what that is doing, and that's the state of mind beneath what we call anger or depression, that aversion is exaggerating the ugliness of the object. Report an error in the passage at 38:21 Highlight the passage at 38:21

38:53 It's yourself or whoever you have aversion for. And I think we can see that aspect. You want to say my point? We can see that. When you look at someone you don't like, they look really ugly, don't they? Your friend says, come on, Robina, it's not that bad. You don't believe it for one minute. He looks ugly too and you believe he's ugly. The cake looks divine and you believe it's divine. We know this, you know? Report an error in the passage at 38:53 Highlight the passage at 38:53

39:19 And it sort of sounds, it's not cute, but it's very profound, actually. This is the key to understanding Buddha's view of how the unhappy states of mind function and why they lead us up garden paths, why they cause us suffering. They're liars, basically. And when you get to see that these states of mind, at their bare bones, are conceptual stories of going a million miles an hour very deep inside so we can't hear them. Report an error in the passage at 39:19 Highlight the passage at 39:19

39:49 Then we can see why it's so hard to see. But this is what we have to recognize. Report an error in the passage at 39:49 Highlight the passage at 39:49

39:59 So as long as I've said, bad enough that you see the cake like that in a way that doesn't exist. Bad enough you see it that way, but the worst part is that you believe it is true. Report an error in the passage at 39:59 Highlight the passage at 39:59

40:13 So this is the thing with these delusions. They're so deeply ingrained in our minds, so practiced. We're so brainwashed with them by our own, you know, complicity in them. Report an error in the passage at 40:13 Highlight the passage at 40:13

40:34 The tragedy is we don't even see it in the story. In other words, let's say a person who's got a really deluded mind, let's say they're a racist, really ignorant, and really believe that pink people are deluded and are ugly and are a cause of all suffering and should be wiped off the face of the earth. Report an error in the passage at 40:34 Highlight the passage at 40:34

40:50 That person doesn't say, yes, when I see pink people I feel this way, but I do realise it's just my protection and it cannot be true, you know. Of course not. They say pink people are this way and nothing on earth will make them change their mind. We all recognise that. Look at how you fight with your husband over whether you think, you know, you go to this movie or that. Whether this is right or that's right. This fundamentalism we all have, this is a characteristic of it. Report an error in the passage at 40:50 Highlight the passage at 40:50

41:15 We not only see things in a way that is delusional, we not only see things in a way that they don't exist. We believe what we see is the objective truth. That's what kind of completely grounds us in what Buddha calls saṃsāra, which has been caught up in this neurosis, caught up in this stuff. Because the habits are very ancient. Report an error in the passage at 41:15 Highlight the passage at 41:15

41:33 So we've got to be really skillful in our minds. Report an error in the passage at 41:33 Highlight the passage at 41:33

41:41 So this not being in touch with how something exists is this key way that these unhappy states of mind function. And this is the tricky one. This is the marvellous one. Such that when we can begin to see this, we are really beginning to be Buddhists. We're really getting a nail on the head. Most people think being Buddhists is being mindful. So I'm sorry I'm disappointed because Lama Zopa says thieves need mindfulness. Report an error in the passage at 41:41 Highlight the passage at 41:41

42:09 If you want to be mindful, watch your boring old shoes. Who cares? So we get very caught up in thinking mindfulness as being Buddhist. It's one small state of mind that Buddha does recommend. But it's not holy in its nature. It's not virtuous in its nature. It's one of the neutral states of mind. Who cares? Of course you've got to care. We really go on about it. Report an error in the passage at 42:09 Highlight the passage at 42:09

42:29 Perhaps we make mindfulness almost like a religion on its own. Or is it that being a Buddhist? I mean, it's a joke to think that. It's embarrassing. It's ignorant to think that. I'm sorry. Report an error in the passage at 42:29 Highlight the passage at 42:29

42:40 And this is a cliché way we often understand what wood is all about. It's one of the major states of mind we definitely need to develop in this marvellous job of seeing yourself and unravelling the context of your own mind so that you begin to recognise the neuroses, see how they lie and rip the mother out. Report an error in the passage at 42:40 Highlight the passage at 42:40

43:03 Indeed, without mindfulness you can't do that. Report an error in the passage at 43:03 Highlight the passage at 43:03

43:17 Kindness encoded. What's the difference? Well, kindness is a word that you put under the heading called positive. Which means it's necessarily not disturbing and is necessarily not delusional. To some extent, you can say when that state of mind is prevalent, you are feeling peaceful and you are in touch with reality. Report an error in the passage at 43:17 Highlight the passage at 43:17

43:41 Not totally yet, if you realise anything, but there's definitely reality there. And what that means is all simple. Check this. Report an error in the passage at 43:41 Highlight the passage at 43:41

43:54 Let's do this. He teaches mindfulness. Well there you go, much other things. I think you're fine. So there's Philippe, okay? Now let's say we're having a friendly conversation and he laughs at my jokes and I laugh at his jokes and we're friendly. And you wouldn't say, oh look at Robina and Philippe, they're loving each other. But strictly speaking you should say that because love is simply, is just, is a thought in my mind that is delighting in his happiness. Report an error in the passage at 43:54 Highlight the passage at 43:54

44:26 And love in his mind is a delight in my happiness. But it's not sort of expressed in the way we tend to think of love, which is sort of California Huggy Feely, which is really the codependence occasion one. It's just simply an appreciation of the person in front of you. Now you look at this. You could say, couldn't you, that when we're having a little chat like that and we're listening to each other, there's a sense of interdependence, wouldn't you agree? There's a sense of connectedness, isn't there? Report an error in the passage at 44:26 Highlight the passage at 44:26

44:51 Which means there's sort of a sense of we. There's no real vivid self-conscious sense of I, and there's no real vivid sense of self-conscious I over there. There's a sense of connectedness. Well, that's how reality is, for instance. Things are interdependent. When we're in touch with that, that's what happiness is. So this is only at a relative level, but already very tasty. Report an error in the passage at 44:51 Highlight the passage at 44:51

45:13 So we're not being disturbed. We're laughing, we're enjoying each other, I'm listening to him, I'm being sympathetic, you know. Now look what happens when we start to argue. Check. That instant... The we is cut in half. Suddenly the self-conscious eye here, freaking out, eyes like saucers. Suddenly he seems like a mean person. What do you mean by saying this? I did not say this. Suddenly the little neurotic eye has woken up. You understand? He's the same. Report an error in the passage at 45:13 Highlight the passage at 45:13

45:42 You get my point here, really. Suddenly there are two unhappy little eyes seeing each other as separate. There's no sense of connectedness. It's all this harmonious. There's no sense of harmony whatsoever. There's no sense of... interdependence, is there? What there is now is disturbed and delusional. Suddenly he doesn't appear so funny to me. Suddenly I think he's the cause of all my suffering. Report an error in the passage at 45:42 Highlight the passage at 45:42

46:04 I'm exaggerating his meanness. Suddenly I'm painting the whole of him with aversion that's in my mind. He's seeing the same in me. Are you hearing my point, people? We all recognise this, don't we? Report an error in the passage at 46:04 Highlight the passage at 46:04

46:17 The positive ones are in touchless reality in a pretty big extent. To a fairly big extent, there was a sense of connectedness and it's harmonious. It's a pleasant feeling, isn't it? It's so clear. They are the states of mind that we need to cultivate. Because why? Because, honey, child, they make you happy. And they happen to make other people happy. Report an error in the passage at 46:17 Highlight the passage at 46:17

46:46 And there's no problem. So we know we have those. But look how easy it is for them to disappear down the corridor. The smallest thing he will say, my little ego comes to the surface. Unhappy, you're disturbed, not fair, what you mean, how dare you say this. And then we think about it for days and days. And this is the stuff that's kind of all beneath the surface. These unhappy voices are evil. But I'm not being accurate in what they're saying. Report an error in the passage at 46:46 Highlight the passage at 46:46

47:13 There's no sense of interdependence. In that simple sense, they're not in touch with reality. They exaggerate the bad qualities. They think he's the cause of my subject. Then he becomes addictive and you don't want to talk to him anymore and all the dramas are gone, the divorcees and awards and all the rest. Look at the world too. Report an error in the passage at 47:13 Highlight the passage at 47:13

47:34 See when we isolate them like this, but the trouble is they come together because, you know, five minutes later I'll calm down and I'll forgive them and we'll be friends again. So they keep popping up, you know, rearing their ugly heads. Then of course you think, oh this is normal, this is what happens when you love a person, you've had a fight, you know, then we make up and it's all lovey-dovey. If Report an error in the passage at 47:34 Highlight the passage at 47:34

47:55 you think it's normal then you never want to change it, will you? But how marvellous to think that that's just not innate. But actually it isn't at the core of your being, it doesn't define you and you can go beyond it. But that's very scary to us because ego is addicted to them. We are addicted to them and we do believe they are who I truly am. Report an error in the passage at 47:55 Highlight the passage at 47:55

48:13 And then we want to, we'd rather blame for this. We don't want to look at our own. We feel defensive, we feel hurt and we believe what we see. This is the tragedy of it. Like I said before, bad enough I see them in this way but I believe in what I see. Even if someone comes along, you know, the yellow comes along and says, well then he's not really that bad, I'll think she's ugly too. You get my point? Report an error in the passage at 48:13 Highlight the passage at 48:13

48:38 You know, you're one of his people now, you're not one of my people. This is what the losers do, you know. So a simple way to put it, kind of loosely thought, they're like the voices of ego and they're never stopping. They're the ones that cause the pain. So okay, codependence. Okay, attachment, let's get to attachment and say a bit more about it. Report an error in the passage at 48:38 Highlight the passage at 48:38

48:56 So the bare bones of all these delusions, these neurotic states of mind, is that they are misconceptions. They are conceptually based, anciently deep, therefore we don't notice them as conceptual, we just notice them as feelings that grip our hearts because they're so practiced inside us. But they're basically misconceptions. Report an error in the passage at 48:56 Highlight the passage at 48:56

49:19 They're these stories that are deep in the bones of our beings and they're layered, layered, layered on top of each other. Each one assumed, this assumption on the basis of this assumption was assumed this, it assumed that, it assumed this. So the Report an error in the passage at 49:19 Highlight the passage at 49:19

49:37 bare bones is that they're liars and they're disturbing. So attachment, you know, it's basically the misconception that exaggerates the deliciousness of something. But even more fundamentally, it's at an energetic level, if you like. Its nature is simply, as they say in the Buddha's text, dissatisfaction. That sort of sounds kind of boring, you know, but if you put it in this way, it's a great word, again, Buddha would have liked this, neediness. Report an error in the passage at 49:37 Highlight the passage at 49:37

50:08 That's the meaning, the energy of attachment is this bottomless tip of neediness, which means I am dissatisfied with me. This is who I'm dissatisfied with. Of course, I then dump on everybody else, but I'm dissatisfied with who I am. This is the tragedy. It's the energy of attachment that actually is self-help. It's actually this awful dissatisfaction, this constant sense that there is never enough, that I am never enough, that I always want something more, always needing this hankering, this aching feeling of not having or being enough. Report an error in the passage at 50:08 Highlight the passage at 50:08

50:44 That's the energy of attachment and that's the bottom line of day-to-day suffering and it's the basis of anger, pride, jealousy and everything else. It's the junkie mode, basically. Not kidding me. That's it. That sounds it. And because, okay, okay. People would say that the main energy of all these unhappy states of mind is fear. Report an error in the passage at 50:44 Highlight the passage at 50:44

51:13 There's this great New Age saying that there's fear or love. It's perfect. It's not perfect. It's exactly what Buddha said. The nature of all these delusions is that it's just primordial panic and fear. And so what attachment is is this constant panic. But there's never enough, that I'm not enough, that things aren't right, they've got to be more, got to be more, got to have more, got to see more, got to be more. And the second, the split mini second, that it doesn't get what it wants. Report an error in the passage at 51:13 Highlight the passage at 51:13

51:43 The state of mind called a version arises which manifests as depression, as guilt or as anger. Variations of this one. So we're going between these two like a drunken sailor a thousand times a day. And this is the meaning of saṃsāra. Buddha says this is what being in saṃsāra means, is two manic... I'll go this way, the bipolar one, up and down, you know. Honest, not kidding, not kidding. Bipolar is a nice, strong word that, you know, when you're in the up mode, that's attachment getting what it wants. Report an error in the passage at 51:43 Highlight the passage at 51:43

52:15 And it's completely hysterical and ridiculous and completely insane, giving you a fly in the sky or being Mozart, when it's really up and out, you know, nuts. But when attachment's getting what it wants, we go a bit demented. Oh, I've found happiness finally. Now I've found happiness. Everything is perfect. The job is perfect, the boyfriend is perfect, everything is perfect. Report an error in the passage at 52:15 Highlight the passage at 52:15

52:34 We believe we've now got it and locked it into permanent heaven. But guess what? The bubble will burst. And it has to burst because it's not penable. It's not feasible. It's not real. It's a fantasy. So it can only go crashing down. This is the up and down mode. Honour. This is saṃsāra. Buddha means by saṃsāra justice. Going between these two steps in line. Attachment, frantically trying to get what it wants. Report an error in the passage at 52:34 Highlight the passage at 52:34

53:01 Believing that when I get what I want, that's what happiness is. Believing it's permanent, another lie we impose on it, and then devastating when it changes, which it naturally will, because everything changes. So we're living in this fantasy world and not in type of reality. That's why we suffer. In other words, okay, so another function that is bare by this kind of panic-stricken bottomless pit of neediness, inevitably, is that it looks somewhere to find something to fill it up. Report an error in the passage at 53:01 Highlight the passage at 53:01

53:32 And that's the hand-caring. You know, you open the fridge, you listen to the music, you go there, you look out here, you try to find it, you know, every second, thinking that next thing will do it. And you grasp at that one, oh, I found something, shove it in the mouth, then it doesn't work. And then you try something else. You chuck out Philippe, you get a new younger version, you know. Report an error in the passage at 53:32 Highlight the passage at 53:32

53:54 And then we get all excited about that one. I mean, even if it's the dregs of somebody else's, I'm thinking now, what's her name? What's her name? Uma Thurman. Her boyfriend is the chucked out, ugly boyfriend of one of those models. Who thought he was a mean, ugly person, but now she thinks he's gorgeous. I've got to criticise him. It's how we all are. Somebody else's old, ugly person is your brand new one. Report an error in the passage at 53:54 Highlight the passage at 53:54

54:24 Because the nature of attachment is that it has to become dissatisfaction. It is already dissatisfaction. Then it imposes this fantasy. Then you expect it to make you happy. Then you project, then you hanker after it. Then you expect it to make you happy. Then you believe it will make you happy. Then you possess it as yours. Report an error in the passage at 54:24 Highlight the passage at 54:24

54:39 Then you try to set it in stone. But it's all this frantic kind of, I'm not kidding, you know, insane asylum that we live in. And we think it's normal. That's the part that we should burst into tears. That we actually think it's normal. It's just utter tragedy that we think that's normal. It is a nightmare. And this is what runs our life. Report an error in the passage at 54:39 Highlight the passage at 54:39

55:05 So one of the responses is co-dependence. Honey, you know, if you are kind to me, oh, I will definitely be kind to you. That's co-dependence. And so it's this, you know, it's like, as Lama points out, we do have love. I do love Philly. I want him to be happy. That's the definition of love. May you be happy, Philly. It's like no strings, you know, may you be happy. That's what love is. Report an error in the passage at 55:05 Highlight the passage at 55:05

55:31 But right now, it's not possible for me to have love without fear, which is the attachment. So the stronger my attachment, the stronger my neediness, the stronger my low self-esteem, that's the irony, the more frightening I'm going to search. To find the person who will make me happy. Then I get him and he smiles back at me and he shows me I must be a nice person. So I'm over the moon because I can't believe he's smiling at me. I must be real, he smiled at me. Report an error in the passage at 55:31 Highlight the passage at 55:31

55:54 So of course I want him to smile at me again because it gave me a good feeling and I believe he is the cause of my happiness. So I'm going to be very, very kind to him. Report an error in the passage at 55:54 Highlight the passage at 55:54

56:04 Obviously. Because I'm terrified that he might give me that. So I'm watching like... Obviously, I'm... Report an error in the passage at 56:04 Highlight the passage at 56:04

56:11 A maniac every microsecond for any sign possible that he might be thinking twice about it. So I've got to keep him happy, scratch his back, be kind, loving, look after him, do this and do that, right? It is terrifying. And we call it love. Report an error in the passage at 56:11 Highlight the passage at 56:11

56:33 Well that's what codependence is, you know. And so I'm going to do everything I can to be nice, you know, to get him to keep being nice to me. Report an error in the passage at 56:33 Highlight the passage at 56:33

56:46 But after a while, he starts to fade, doesn't he? In your eyes. You look in the bed one morning and you kind of can't believe, what's this boring person? Report an error in the passage at 56:46 Highlight the passage at 56:46

57:01 Actually, attachment only has two ways to go when the bubble bursts. The three root delusions, ignorance, attachment and aversion. The root one is ignorance, but its general day-to-day function is just... right back. Report an error in the passage at 57:01 Highlight the passage at 57:01

57:15 Couldn't care less. The objects of ignorance are strangers. The object of attachment is friends. The object of aversion is enemies. So these are the three we go between. Attachment and aversion, but they're based in ignorance. So attachment is the one when it's all kind of inflated and never been exciting and wonderful. Report an error in the passage at 57:15 Highlight the passage at 57:15

57:35 But we know it's not sustainable. So it's mainly attachment. Then, like I'm saying, there's only two ways for it to go when it bursts. You wake up in the morning and you either look so revolting you can't stand it because you've been building it up and now you're hating. Report an error in the passage at 57:35 Highlight the passage at 57:35

57:50 Or, excuse me, he just looks boring, which is indifference. Do you see my point here? So you either just, the relationship just runs out, it peters out, you think, well, nothing more left. Which is maybe okay, because it's better than wanting to kill him, you know. But the other one is you want to kill him. That's the allergic one, isn't it? Look at the world, you know. Look at the evidence. Report an error in the passage at 57:50 Highlight the passage at 57:50

58:09 Or excited. He's gorgeous. Then he starts not to do what you want. You start fading in his eyes, you know, suddenly, then all this whole story collapses. Report an error in the passage at 58:09 Highlight the passage at 58:09

58:23 So anyway, I'm running off the topic. Codependence is attachment running rampant. Terrified to act with integrity. Terrified to think or do the right thing because we have to keep following the attachment. You know, it's too scary to follow virtue. It's too scary to buy into his garlic, buy into his nonsense. Because you're so scared of losing it. Report an error in the passage at 58:23 Highlight the passage at 58:23

58:46 You lose your intelligence with attachment. You lose your goodness. You lose your virtue. You lose your integrity. It looks like claimant. Attachment's a honey-colored way to go. But it's because, like as Lama Zopa said, the attachment, the love we do have, we call it, it's got strings. It's very nice. Report an error in the passage at 58:46 Highlight the passage at 58:46

59:09 But he said it's unstable. Meaning, I love him. I want him to be happy as long as he's doing what I want. And that's the co-dependence. So it looks like kindness. I'm really kind to give it. And don't discount that kindness. You can't say it's totally evil. It's not. Better than punching him in the nose. But it's so polluted by my own neediness, my own lack of... Report an error in the passage at 59:09 Highlight the passage at 59:09

59:38 I have self-confidence, my own sense of myself in a good, clear way. But I have no integrity. I'm just a scary baby. You will do anything you want, you know, to try and keep in the running. Report an error in the passage at 59:38 Highlight the passage at 59:38

59:50 I mean, we've all got different methods, you know. That's not my method. My method would be to punch him in an over in the middle. Report an error in the passage at 59:50 Highlight the passage at 59:50

59:57 Mine would turn into anger quite quickly, you know. But many people stay in relationships for years, don't you? Because we love each other. So it's just, you know, you're completely caught up in each other's games. And so this is why I say that one of you, let's say, decides you like Buddhism and you start having some integrity in your mind. It's just scary as hell. Report an error in the passage at 59:57 Highlight the passage at 59:57

1:00:14 The other person thinks you're rejecting it. Because you've practiced this Thank you. Thank you. They're giving now a brand new message. So they're going to easily be misinterpreted. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:14 Highlight the passage at 1:00:14

1:00:33 anything? Oh yeah, okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:33 Highlight the passage at 1:00:33

1:00:43 Only one hour, okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:43 Highlight the passage at 1:00:43

1:00:52 bought a yellow one as well. Anyway, go on. So essentially what we've been saying here is this. Buddha is saying we have a mind that has marvellous potential. That it can be fully developed in the positive and completely free in the negative. This is the meaning of Nirvāṇa. It's not some place like heaven where you give up. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:52 Highlight the passage at 1:00:52

1:01:08 Sexy old saṃsāra. It's a state of mind, basically, of the person who's given up the nonsense. We've got this astonishing potential. The potential is defined very simply as a developed, in a simple way, the development of your good stuff and the ridding of your rubbish. And he would say these are not equal in this state of death. They're profoundly different. The positive ones are at the core of our being and the negative ones aren't. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:08 Highlight the passage at 1:01:08

1:01:33 Now this is not an easy thing to prove, but we can talk about that if we want. On the face of it, it seems like nonsense. So instinctively we get equal status to them. But actually it's not too difficult to prove that the negative states of mind are not intrinsic, are not at the core of our being. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:33 Highlight the passage at 1:01:33

1:01:49 And we'd like to be discussed with this. So that's the first fundamental point, which is the starting point for why you would want to practice this, which is to identify the negative so you can remove them, so you can develop the positive, so you can then enhance them. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:49 Highlight the passage at 1:01:49

1:02:03 And that the negative states of mind have these two key characteristics. They're disturbing and they're lies, they're delusional, they're misconceptions, and they lead you up guard and guard. And they're the cause of suffering and the cause of one behind you. And the positive ones are not that. That's essentially what we've been saying. And that codependence is another word for attachment between this needy little bottomless pity and wanting to be satisfied and dying to make Philip keep loving me because I'm terrified of being invisible and not being a real person. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:03 Highlight the passage at 1:02:03

1:02:32 Because if he gives me up, I'm not a real person, am I? I don't exist. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:32 Highlight the passage at 1:02:32

1:02:39 If you'd like to. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:39 Highlight the passage at 1:02:39

1:02:52 So, Report an error in the passage at 1:02:52 Highlight the passage at 1:02:52

1:02:56 so, so, so, Report an error in the passage at 1:02:56 Highlight the passage at 1:02:56

1:03:14 so. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:14 Highlight the passage at 1:03:14

1:03:26 traveled back east to see her family and encountered one particular family member who... Report an error in the passage at 1:03:26 Highlight the passage at 1:03:26

1:03:41 I don't. What does it mean? Nuts. Nuts. Drunk. Okay, who was drunk? Okay, then. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:41 Highlight the passage at 1:03:41

1:03:56 be in a situation that I had tremendous amount of aversion to the behavior the person Sure, yes. Tremendous. Yes. So much so that I lost a little bit of my, I lost some of my consciousness. Oh, of course you would. So then go on, what's the question? Well, one of the issues that's come up with me in this situation, one is how do I maintain a better consciousness in that situation? Report an error in the passage at 1:03:56 Highlight the passage at 1:03:56

1:04:19 Two is that person has in the past tried to tell me a story. that I won't buy, I won't buy from them. Okay, so we're talking about him, you or you, darling? It sounds like you're talking about this person. I want to know about you. What are you describing? What do you want to know about yourself? In trying to support this person who is a family member. What do you mean support them, darling? May I ask you to clarify what kind of help? Well, like sometimes that person wants to Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:19 Highlight the passage at 1:04:19

1:04:46 But I don't feel like doing that feel like I want to. I tried to ask him to turn towards himself. No, you don't give people lectures. Stop being his mother. You're not his father's therapist. If you don't want to listen to him talk to you and just listen to him, you've got good potential and tell him you love him, then don't give him lectures. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:46 Highlight the passage at 1:04:46

1:05:04 You're not his therapist. He hasn't asked you through guys. Well, it's very rude. No, he's very rude, darling. He tells people what to do. No, you're not his mother. You're not his therapist. If he wants to talk to you about his misery, just let him do it for a while, then just say, see you later sweetheart, I'm sure you can put yourself together, I have a great admiration for your wisdom. And I love him and give him a kiss. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:04 Highlight the passage at 1:05:04

1:05:25 Excuse me, it's like your business. Are we not trying to be a kiss? Yeah, by loving him. Not giving him a kiss. Give him a kiss instead. I give him a kiss and tell him you love him. It's a very simple way to be kind of a kiss. I'm not giving him a kiss. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:25 Highlight the passage at 1:05:25

1:05:50 You mean you're enlightened then? No, I'm serious. You are completely enlightened and have total wisdom and see the reality the way it is and never tell a story. The sweetest is the point I'm saying that we're the same. He is what we think in the West as a delusional person, that you think you're normal, that you're delusional too. Everything you do and say and think is also a story, but maybe not as romantic as you. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:50 Highlight the passage at 1:05:50

1:06:11 So you're in the same boat. Get some empathy. Realise it's something. Don't feed into it. Don't be codependent. Don't have to visit every word he says for four hours, but be kind to him. He is something. Right, that's where I want to be. But you don't need to give a lecture. It's not your job to lecture him and tell him to do this and that. How do you be kind to somebody when you're stupid? Report an error in the passage at 1:06:11 Highlight the passage at 1:06:11

1:06:32 Well, that means you've got anger. You do your best to go over it. You do your best to go past it. Or you walk away if you can't close it. You walk away if you can't close it. Because, I mean, what you're saying is you have anger towards him. That's really why. And that's the real thing you're discussing here, your own anger. Aversion to him, isn't it? Yeah, I felt, I mean, I've been sad in something about it. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:32 Highlight the passage at 1:06:32

1:06:53 It was there too. It was basically a version. It was yours. Aversion is the response when a captain doesn't get what it wants. You're a captain. You want him to be nice. So we all do. And so as soon as he doesn't get what he wants, we have aversion. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:53 Highlight the passage at 1:06:53

1:07:14 That's right. There you go. that's what we're discussing here then. Yep, well done, you just let him know of the problem. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:14 Highlight the passage at 1:07:14

1:07:25 I repeat, you just recognised the phone. You just recognised it now. Do you have a question, darling? Report an error in the passage at 1:07:25 Highlight the passage at 1:07:25

1:07:34 Okay, what's your question, do you have one? How do you bring yourself to a state of kindness by seeing his good qualities? So this is how you do it. This is how you do it. You think of good things about him, and you wish him well, and you see him suffering. So that's how you get it. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:34 Highlight the passage at 1:07:34

1:08:07 But the key thing is to see the emergence, to see your own emergence, which is what they're saying. It's always, it doesn't happen anymore. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:07 Highlight the passage at 1:08:07

1:08:32 I know you are very shocked in your answers, but at the same time, I need to hear that. He said, remember, I just went to John years ago, and so we had a friend, and he just had Report an error in the passage at 1:08:32 Highlight the passage at 1:08:32

1:09:08 this, and then in a moment, he really wanted to act, he wanted to get up and do something about it, but I feel like I'm really killing myself. can they do They were standing too hard. I have two years in the world now. It was a great group, but five years, I can't hide it. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:08 Highlight the passage at 1:09:08

1:09:28 you stand behind it in the room? Okay, so what do you think about Report an error in the passage at 1:09:28 Highlight the passage at 1:09:28

1:09:36 what happened, how I lost? Okay, so you're telling me you went to Iran and you started in the Buddhist center, is that right? Is that right? Yeah, so you went to Iran, which is four months, and you started in the Buddhist center, and it's 10, so you did. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:36 Highlight the passage at 1:09:36

1:09:56 And people come and you talk about believing and you try to meditate and you I don't know. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:56 Highlight the passage at 1:09:56

1:10:21 Sure, absolutely. in general do you think that wanting to help people So this is a useful thing that we've been doing. Yeah? If you think so. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:21 Highlight the passage at 1:10:21

1:10:31 is a useful And you're in tech, you just go one step at a time, please. And your motivation has been to try to help people. Is that correct? Correct. So now what you're saying is after two years you're fed up with it. You're sick of the pollution, it seems it's boring now, but you want a new person, one new boyfriend. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:31 Highlight the passage at 1:10:31

1:10:50 Meaning it's already looking a bit jaded to you, kind of boring, you're a bit tired, you're a bit fed up, is that correct? much. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:50 Highlight the passage at 1:10:50

1:11:04 I think I Report an error in the passage at 1:11:04 Highlight the passage at 1:11:04

1:11:10 went with, I was very naive. No darling, answer my question. I want to read one step at a time and answer your point. It's a very important point. And what you just said, you said to me that I'm tired, I'm fed up with the pollution. You did say that, yeah? Don't mean you're kind of getting a bit tired in the whole thing. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:10 Highlight the passage at 1:11:10

1:11:29 That's the way I said that. I think that you say that. Yeah? Report an error in the passage at 1:11:29 Highlight the passage at 1:11:29

1:11:39 Okay, so what's happening is this, listen to me. Until you realise everything, until you're a very highly involved person, you will have attachment. It is just how it is. So, it's sort of like you're telling me about something very beneficial you can do, helping people's minds. That's a fact. But you're also indicating that, like everybody else, you've got some attachment. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:39 Highlight the passage at 1:11:39

1:12:05 So in the beginning you're all ego-beaver and all the scientists, but now you're a bit kind of jaded. That's what happens to it. You start to get bored or fed up with it. That's just like means belief. That's what happens. So there's no need to think you did the wrong thing. It is so phenomenal and marvellous that you've done something to help others. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:05 Highlight the passage at 1:12:05

1:12:24 But what you've got to do is notice your mind. So you've just got to give it more. That's what happens. That's saṃsāra, darling. So what you've got to do is make some choices. You've got to decide if there's some benefits to this, and if there is, you continue, if you think you can. If you can't, then you have to laugh and you say goodbye. That's good. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:24 Highlight the passage at 1:12:24

1:12:41 Just sort of feel good about it. There's something useful to be done. Why put that down? Why criticize that? Just recognize what it is, what's going on in your mind. You're set up with it, now you've seen the pollution, you're a bit bored after a while. This happens. But if you really are in this part in the long term, it means for the next few countless lives... Report an error in the passage at 1:12:41 Highlight the passage at 1:12:41

1:13:02 Then you know that what you're just describing is practice. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:02 Highlight the passage at 1:13:02

1:13:10 So you're going to see your mind, see the aversion, see the attachment coming up in your mind, recognising that's what the problem is. Helping others is not the problem, it's your aversion and your attachment that is the problem. But with any of us, if you have any suffering at all, it's not a lot of being kind or something. You don't suffer from being kind. You don't suffer from providing Dharma or something. You suffer because you have attachment and aversion. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:10 Highlight the passage at 1:13:10

1:13:30 So it's kind of cool. It's okay. Join the club here. Are you hearing my point? Report an error in the passage at 1:13:30 Highlight the passage at 1:13:30

1:13:42 what you can do in the same position. And if you continue to do it, you can do it. I'm going to be with it. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:42 Highlight the passage at 1:13:42

1:13:51 don't you make me crazy? But this is happy, what do you think it's happy? You ever feel blue or white? Something you never have to say, isn't it? Report an error in the passage at 1:13:51 Highlight the passage at 1:13:51

1:13:59 like it's me including in our relationship, and I start to get evocated and annoyed, and it's all a bit jaded now, I've got to step back and think, is it beneficial to be in this relationship? Is there something good there? Is there something worthwhile there? Is this an opportunity for me to practice? And is it an opportunity for me to practice a patient to help others? And if there's something there, I will continue doing it, no matter how difficult it is. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:59 Highlight the passage at 1:13:59

1:14:19 That's what practice is. But if we're just following an attachment, when he starts becoming boring, it's Thank you. So if you're just only going to follow your attachment and they're going to leave you laughing at the pollution floor and come back to being happy old America again, well have you accepted what it is, following your attachment, but don't forget you did something good and useful for a couple of years. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:19 Highlight the passage at 1:14:19

1:14:40 It's been realistic with yourself. I wanted people to really take advantage of tactics and then they... That's right. How dare they not take your help? How dare they say no to your help? Exactly. How dare they? That's exactly right. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:40 Highlight the passage at 1:14:40

1:15:05 You said it. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:05 Highlight the passage at 1:15:05

1:15:11 They're not going to kick in the teeth. I mean, if I've punched him every day, you know, well, he punched me. If you don't want to be attached to something, at least be attached to something useful. ha ha ha. Oooh. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:11 Highlight the passage at 1:15:11

1:15:32 might as well give it up to you. You have a point. At least your text is not useful. That's recognized here. See if you want to use a name. It's a long time to use. Cool. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:32 Highlight the passage at 1:15:32

1:15:51 doesn't matter how to explain. We'll see what it does. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:51 Highlight the passage at 1:15:51

1:16:01 3, 3, 5. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:01 Highlight the passage at 1:16:01

1:16:07 feeling blamed for something. Sometimes I'm blamed for things he didn't do. I don't know how bad he did. What did he do like this? He didn't do this at work. But then another in In the family. Okay. And I just swallowed. He just swallowed. No. That's right. Yes. Deal with it internally. It's eating you up. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:07 Highlight the passage at 1:16:07

1:16:34 Okay, you're the example of a person who's got a virgin internally, he doesn't express it. So first of all, recognize that that is a good quality because you don't harm others. That's marvelous. You're not being unkind to others. But the tragedy is, it's eating you up. So this is where you have to learn, like all of us, to see clearly what we think, what our mind is saying and understand which delusion it is. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:34 Highlight the passage at 1:16:34

1:16:58 So like all of us, it's a strong attachment to be loved. This is the major attachment we all have, to be seen as a good person by others. And so it's devastating when we're not. And so then, you know, so inside you, you've been feeling hurt, you've been feeling angry, and that's what it is, darling. Yes, exactly. That's what it is. So then, are you, I mean, do you have a Buddhist practice? Do you think about Buddhists? No, you don't. Okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:58 Highlight the passage at 1:16:58

1:17:23 Okay, I understand. I understand. Well, the Buddhist one is, like I've been saying, you know, these unhappy states of mind. I mean, you're recognizing how marvelous. It's not going to change overnight, but there's a multitude of approaches in Buddhism. You've got lots of tools you can use. Some people, it's very necessary to first sit down and do some mindfulness meditation and try and steady your mind. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:23 Highlight the passage at 1:17:23

1:17:44 Other people can do it through more intellectual approach to analyse their own mind, or other people need a person to talk to to think it through. So there's a multitude of approaches that you have to find. The key is to unravel what's inside there and know that you can change it. That's the part that's really hopeful. Does that make sense to you? And that's your job. That's up to you. You hear something like this here. Maybe you think, oh, this is cool. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:44 Highlight the passage at 1:17:44

1:18:08 I might follow this. Because you're the boss here. You've got to then pursue the tools that you need to help you. Because the one thing I can say to you to have confidence in, if you can, is that this anger, you can see it, is causing you pain. But you can learn to comprehend it and go beyond it. That's the part. That's the great point. That's the part that you can hold on to. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:08 Highlight the passage at 1:18:08

1:18:29 Does that make sense? Does that sound reasonable? It's a nice idea, isn't it? Nice idea. Good. Well, then it's possible. Every one of us can do it. Every one of us can do it. So you find the methods. There's lots of out there. There's lots of Buddhist centres, lots of other methods. All kinds. Maybe you need a decent therapist, you know. There's some good, good people around who can help us see our minds. Any tools we can use, I think, to help us see our own mind. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:29 Highlight the passage at 1:18:29

1:18:57 And then to have the... Courage to know that what we see is not setting. That's the marvellous thing that gives us hope, I think. Someone else? Report an error in the passage at 1:18:57 Highlight the passage at 1:18:57

1:19:19 There's a problem at work. Manages a couple of difficult people. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:19 Highlight the passage at 1:19:19

1:19:29 Her boss says that they want to fire these people. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:29 Highlight the passage at 1:19:29

1:19:35 Oh, you've got to fire them. Yes, okay. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:35 Highlight the passage at 1:19:35

1:19:57 I understand. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:57 Highlight the passage at 1:19:57

1:20:02 And you clearly, you mean you can't convince your bosses to see them in a different way. So they won't give you time to help get some results. They're not giving results. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:02 Highlight the passage at 1:20:02

1:20:32 Do I do what I'm told? And I can possibly get in a lot of trouble because I'm not doing what they want. Sure. Or stick up for somebody. Okay, darling. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:32 Highlight the passage at 1:20:32

1:20:44 Over. Over-centered. Let's not show you tennis again. It's an over-centered responsibility. Because the fact that you've just said to me now that they're superproductive. They're two of the best staff. Then I would have said you'd better try and prove to these bosses that they're actually good policy people. But if they're not doing a very good job and they're not getting along with people, they're difficult, then I'm sorry, that's just the way life is and this is not your job to run around being Mother Teresa for everybody. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:44 Highlight the passage at 1:20:44

1:21:10 It doesn't mean you have to be mean, but you're being a superior, you're being a boss, this is part of your accountability to do what your superiors want. Or you leave one or the other, very simple, but to stand up for them is a bit sort of sentimental. They don't need you to stand up for them, they've got to learn to be accountable too. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:10 Highlight the passage at 1:21:10

1:21:25 And accept responsibility for their life. It's okay. You get sacked all the time. It's not the end of the world. I'm not trying to be cruel. But it's this skilful, the wise way to know when to intervene and when not. Maybe you should take responsibility here and realise maybe you didn't train them well enough. Because if you're their boss, you didn't train them well enough and they're not doing a good job. Well, how long have you had them though? Report an error in the passage at 1:21:25 Highlight the passage at 1:21:25

1:21:46 How long have you had them? Well, that's a long time to train people. But you could have trained them if you'd really seen their potential. So then you've maybe failed as a boss, darling. A year is a long time. If you could have got the best out and if you've really seen the best, not just standing up for them, that's not much help. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:46 Highlight the passage at 1:21:46

1:22:03 It's sort of like the mother standing up for her big kid who's already been bad. The mother's got to help the kid take responsibility. You can admire them. You can say, I need to do this and accept the consequences. They won't like you. That's okay. That's the part of it. Well, there you go. It is what it is. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:03 Highlight the passage at 1:22:03

1:22:23 I know. Well, that's it. That's good to be strong and do your job. Or you don't do it, which means you leave. It's your call, isn't it? Report an error in the passage at 1:22:23 Highlight the passage at 1:22:23

1:22:46 Yes. And you're finally naked. Oh, that's right. Exactly. No, no. But this is the thing that is what we're saying. You see, if we look beneath all these illusions, as soon as they're kind of raw, you see the fear. And I think this is very helpful when we start to realise this is just the nature of these states of mind. Report an error in the passage at 1:22:46 Highlight the passage at 1:22:46

1:23:12 They are actually... in the nature of fear. As long as David says, when you've cut all the nonsense from your mind, there is no fear. You are just blissful and clear. Even if you're falling off a cliff, your mind's happy. That sounds insane to us. But the level of fear that we live in in normal daily life, we call it anxiety. And you can see how stressful a lot of people are on drugs and in children now. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:12 Highlight the passage at 1:23:12

1:23:32 So many... drugs, but we don't know how to cope this fear. It's just rampant So there's a multitude of ways to deal with fear and I think... The thing for me I've seen in my life, I don't know, that you've got to be very brave. You've got to be brave to sometimes walk into the fears and confront them. I remember as a little girl, I used to go outside to the toilet. We called it the labby in Australia, the lavatory. It was the labby. We went to the labby. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:32 Highlight the passage at 1:23:32

1:24:03 And so just outside was the toilet. It was like three steps outside the back door. I had to run to the left. And I would open the back door and it was by this big gaping dark backyard when it was on a meaningless night. I'd always be scared, you know. So I'd run to the door. My little heart beating, go to the toilet and run in again. And then one day I remember thinking, if I walked into the middle of it, I'd realise there was nothing to be afraid of. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:03 Highlight the passage at 1:24:03

1:24:26 So I think really, not kidding, you've got to have a lot of courage to confront. Because what happens is when the fear rises, like this junkie who will do anything to avert it. Grab for the cake, grab for the thing, grab for the sound, grab for the words, the blame. Whatever our old habits are, we just run to that habit to make it go away. So we've got to be very brave to not follow that, but to confront the thing. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:26 Highlight the passage at 1:24:26

1:24:54 Let it come, look at it, taste it. But the tragedies in our culture, the first thing we do is we go get a pill. And then the fear just builds up. It's like insane. To try and catch your mind and go into it. Because it will not destroy you. It's your mind. It's okay. There is nothing to be afraid of. But it's terrifying and it goes very, very, very deep. We're talking, I mean, Buddha talks primordially deep. So way to go. Not only one baby's baby. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:54 Highlight the passage at 1:24:54

1:25:28 The thing is that the other thing to the irony, the terrible, terrible irony of these states of mind is that they are ego. Ego in Buddhist terms is not some big fancy person. It's like, it's terrible. It's self-loathing. It's panic. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:28 Highlight the passage at 1:25:28

1:25:46 The meaning of ego in Buddhism. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:46 Highlight the passage at 1:25:46

1:25:52 we have to see is, what ego does, is it is obsessed. We are obsessed with negativity. So this is the most cruel disease attached because it is never, ever, ever satisfied. So we are always criticising ourselves, no matter how much, like her, there she is, doing amazing good, bringing something virtuous to people, and she's actually criticising and saying things are a lot of garbage and unattached and pro-dependent and blah, blah, blah. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:52 Highlight the passage at 1:25:52

1:26:21 I mean, it's just too terrible. We don't have any perspective. We're not trying to be arrogant, but if we look on this suffering, suffering earth, I mean, this... insane asylum on this earth, insane Insane, demented people killing and raving and lying and stealing and harming and out of their brains and having not a clue how to look at their minds. The vast majority of humans on this earth, and I'm not being rude here, it is a miracle that a few people are sitting in this room even thinking about the idea of looking at your mind. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:21 Highlight the passage at 1:26:21

1:26:48 I mean, you should be weeping in bliss for yourself, and I'm really not joking here. But we are just demented with this negative mind, never ceasing about ourselves. I'm never enough, I'm never enough, it's not good enough, no matter what we achieve. And we have to change that. It means we just have to start saying some positive thoughts. And that comes to fear. You know, another approach to the fears, and in my experience, for example, I run this Liberation Prison Project. Report an error in the passage at 1:26:48 Highlight the passage at 1:26:48

1:27:17 And so, you know, we spend like $40,000 every month. And I'm going to bring in that $40,000 every month. So I don't have any fear about it anymore, even though again in September, it's about the fourth time in the last six months, we're about to run out of money. But month after year, I would be in this, kind of all the time, this voice of panic, that I never knew where the money was coming from. Report an error in the passage at 1:27:17 Highlight the passage at 1:27:17

1:27:39 So then I started to realise that I had to think of myself, the worst possible, what is the consequence, what's the worst possible scenario? So I'd work through it, and this is the point of going into the fears, and I'd say, well, we could run out of money. And what would happen? I'd have to tell everybody to get another job, they'd all cry, we'd have a cake, we'd have a party, we'd all be a bit sad. I'd have to write to all the prisoners and say, we haven't got any more money for the moment, but we'll be back. Report an error in the passage at 1:27:39 Highlight the passage at 1:27:39

1:28:02 Then I stop and I think about it and I work out what my debts are and I get a job and I start again. Then I think, well, excuse me, what am I afraid of? There's nothing to be afraid of. Then sometimes people have panics about dying. Well, I say, one of my friends, for example, I say, well, you will die. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:02 Highlight the passage at 1:28:02

1:28:19 That's cool. Not, oh, of course you won't die. You will die, but there's nothing to be afraid of. So it's sort of like you kind of confront the fear, like this big, loud person you're scared of and say, okay, then, so what? So I might die, so I might lose everything, so I might get killed, so I might lose my money, so I might go crazy, so I might go to prison. That's cool. I might die. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:19 Highlight the passage at 1:28:19

1:28:40 So, then, it's not the fear you're necessarily talking about, I know, I'm just waiting on you. You understand, though? Walk into it, darling. Report an error in the passage at 1:28:40 Highlight the passage at 1:28:40

1:28:51 Don't sort of mollycoddle it. Honestly. Then be kind to Molly Cognitive yourself and say we're doing a good job. Really and fooling. This is so simple. I think the more we really begin to understand how Buddha is a really amazing cognitive therapist, and I'm not joking, Report an error in the passage at 1:28:51 Highlight the passage at 1:28:51

1:29:12 that it's a question of learning at the gross level, which is what we do, you know, at the day-to-day level, learning to change our thoughts, learning to say positive things about ourself. The more we understand that Buddha is cognitive therapy, the more we understand that it needs to do with conception at the gross level, the more easy it is. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:12 Highlight the passage at 1:29:12

1:29:36 But because we hold at the core of our being this great big lump of self-loathing for this big, fat, concrete, ugly me, which we think is never changing, then it's just, it's sort of like all of our goodness is like water on a duck's back, you know, Report an error in the passage at 1:29:36 Highlight the passage at 1:29:36

1:29:55 with our soul. Report an error in the passage at 1:29:55 Highlight the passage at 1:29:55

1:30:03 Yes, my dear? One thing you said that just, a light kind of went on, and I'd like to... kind of hear you restate it was when you said that it was the decoration or embellishment that you put on top of the reality. That's the key to the way Buddha talks about how these unhappy states of mind function, why they cause so much pain, because we fantasize. Report an error in the passage at 1:30:03 Highlight the passage at 1:30:03

1:30:30 So in other words, there is a chocolate cake, you can't argue, but detachment makes it more than it is. Gives it power that it doesn't possess. It causes us to believe that when I get it, I will get happy. This is all happening so fast. It's such a habit. We don't even notice this is what it's doing. We don't even notice that attachment is decorated on top of what is there, these qualities that aren't there. Report an error in the passage at 1:30:30 Highlight the passage at 1:30:30

1:30:56 And then we expect it to do certain things for us. We live in this expectation of it. So all you get is disappointment. You get a stuck stomach and you haven't got satisfaction still. So this is the kind of pattern. of attachment and disappointment. So that's the decorating, you know? The reality of the chocolate cake, be it suchness, and that's what you're trying to achieve is where you're just seeing reality. Report an error in the passage at 1:30:56 Highlight the passage at 1:30:56

1:31:18 Well, that's all the words for it, yeah. Sure, suchness is just this, it's just, this is right, they're the words for it. They're the words for it. It's good to keep it down to earth. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:18 Highlight the passage at 1:31:18

1:31:28 Because right there in the cake is everything you need to realize suchness, to realize emptiness. So it's just to see that all the neurotic states of mind are always exaggerating something. The depression in you is exaggerating your badness, your hopelessness. The anger in you exaggerates George Bush's ugliness and the cause of your suffering. You know, the attachment exaggerates Philip's beauty and therefore the expectations of what he's going to give me. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:28 Highlight the passage at 1:31:28

1:31:53 There's this whole elaborate story they all have and their key function is to exaggerate, to decorate on God. So it is like, it's like, the cake is the cake is the cake. Report an error in the passage at 1:31:53 Highlight the passage at 1:31:53

1:32:05 And what is interesting, as Lama Zopa says, when you've realised how the cake will be done with this, and it always sounds so cosmic to us to talk this way, he says, it is as if there is no cake. It is as if there is no cake. He says there is a cake. But what does exist is so subtle, it is as if. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:05 Highlight the passage at 1:32:05

1:32:29 And this is a very tasty word. It isn't an illusion. It is as if it is an illusion. So it's a real kind of tension between this. You know, there is a cake, there isn't a cake. There is a cake, there isn't a cake. And this is one of the two truths, what is teachings of dependent arising in emptiness, which is the real heart stuff of this. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:29 Highlight the passage at 1:32:29

1:32:48 Probably beyond me, but just that being aware of all that I'm putting on time in the art. That's right. That's exactly right. When we can begin to see this, we're beginning to get liberated. And as Lama Zopa says, we have to stop believing in our karmic appearances. Due to karma, due to habit from the past, I will see Philippe in a certain way. Gorgeous, cause of my happiness, wow, far out amazing, see all these lovely qualities, which when it's attachment are blinding me from seeing him, just as he is. Report an error in the passage at 1:32:48 Highlight the passage at 1:32:48

1:33:26 So, as Lama Zopa says, stop believing in my karmic appearances, the way he appears to me, the way the chocolate cake appears to me, is not in sync with how it exists. So there's always this discrepancy between how it really is and what I'm saying. Well, we can get that idea. We're on the right track. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:26 Highlight the passage at 1:33:26

1:33:51 It's wonderful. It's very tasty. You're right. Absolutely right. Report an error in the passage at 1:33:51 Highlight the passage at 1:33:51

1:34:01 Yes, speaking about the cake. Report an error in the passage at 1:34:01 Highlight the passage at 1:34:01

1:34:07 Full realisation of the nature of the cake. Conflict with the enjoyment. No, no, darling. On the contrary. The full realisation of the cake will cause you to get such bliss out of that cake, you won't believe it. This is a marvellous point. Right now, the presence of attachment in your mind is what prevents you from having any enjoyment at all. The enjoyment you have is like pigsty enjoyment. Report an error in the passage at 1:34:07 Highlight the passage at 1:34:07

1:34:41 But the more you see the cake as it really is, the more joy you will experience. Report an error in the passage at 1:34:41 Highlight the passage at 1:34:41

1:34:56 I have a couple of friends who are... There's a couple of them who make friends, okay? Report an error in the passage at 1:34:56 Highlight the passage at 1:34:56

1:35:09 slicing and dicing and they see all the things the of? Let's see, let's enjoy So the point is like this. In the beginning, you're seeing the movie and you're totally absorbed in its truth. So then it feels like some pleasure. Then the process is you have to start deconstructing the cake. So in the beginning, it's true. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:09 Highlight the passage at 1:35:09

1:35:35 You really have no time for pleasure because you're busy trying to deconstruct the nonsense. So that's correct. But once you've got the hang of it, once you know the nature of the cake, you can also enjoy it too. So you've got to go through a process. The analysis is the stage where you're deconstructing the lies. And so there is truth. There's no time for enjoyment of the cake. You're absolutely right. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:35 Highlight the passage at 1:35:35

1:35:55 But eventually, when you've got it down, you can go almost like full circle, but now it's a profoundly different level of joy because you're no longer fooled by it. Report an error in the passage at 1:35:55 Highlight the passage at 1:35:55

1:36:06 Because listen, your tongue doesn't drop out when you realise the nature of the cake. Your senses don't suddenly freeze up. Because cake is a sensory experience. But no longer do you have a misinterpretation of it. That's the garbage. When you've no longer got a misinterpretation of the cake, which is what a patient is doing, then your senses just do their thing and you just experience extraordinary delight. Report an error in the passage at 1:36:06 Highlight the passage at 1:36:06

1:36:31 But it's like life is a feather. Report an error in the passage at 1:36:31 Highlight the passage at 1:36:31

1:36:40 That's right. All the way from here to imagine it. Report an error in the passage at 1:36:40 Highlight the passage at 1:36:40

1:36:45 Yes. Cake. Yes. Back to the cake. So, you know, it's like what you're saying all rings true within the cake. Report an error in the passage at 1:36:45 Highlight the passage at 1:36:45

1:37:01 So you're enjoying the cake in the moment. Who is it? I am. Is this a realized person or a deluded person? You have to tell me, please. It is me. You mean with attachment? I have attachment. Okay, good. So we're an ordinary person enjoying the cake. Yes. So without attachment... Would I walk away from that enjoyment of the cake and carry on in each moment, not obsessed about having another piece of cake? Report an error in the passage at 1:37:01 Highlight the passage at 1:37:01

1:37:24 Yes, of course you would. Without attachment, you are blissful, light, clear, loving, wise. You're happy anyway, with or without the cake. But because you've got a tongue and you've got senses, you know, it'll be like a little bit of sort of a bonus on top to have the cake. But there's no grasping at it, there's no manipulation to get it, there's no belief at all that it has anything to do with your happiness. But you can get the best, you can have your cake and eat it too. Report an error in the passage at 1:37:24 Highlight the passage at 1:37:24

1:37:55 The mind is relaxed, your mind is easy going, your mind is relaxed. Can you have preferences for chocolate versus Lama? Yeah darling, Tibetans love their yatchies, it's ugly boring old heavy stuff because that's their habit. I love Vegemite, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:37:55 Highlight the passage at 1:37:55

1:38:09 We're all conventional beings who live in worlds of chocolate cake or yak cheese, so you have a preference. I mean, we give Geshe-la his big plate of old Tibetan tukpo, he's in heaven. You give him sort of, you know, western salads, he's kind of bald, but his mind isn't disturbed by it. So that's where, and that's an interesting point, we tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater and get all fundamentalists and think that when you give up attachment, as Lama Zopa says, oh, you give up your heart, you give up your pleasure. Report an error in the passage at 1:38:09 Highlight the passage at 1:38:09

1:38:34 So it's sort of, we think when you give up attachment, you kind of go to go, oh, chocolate cake. You're kind of bored. That's not giving up attachment. You're even more blissful. But you still have relatively speaking preferences. It doesn't mean you're attached to it. You're just as easily give it up. You're not going to be manipulated to get it. You won't be depressed if you don't. So in other words, the key, okay. Tony. Report an error in the passage at 1:38:34 Highlight the passage at 1:38:34

1:38:57 Okay, Tony, good. Tony, that's fine. Tony. And you, too. What's your name? You. Say it again. Julaine. Okay. So let's say Tony and Julaine and I go to a restaurant and we order chocolate cake. So we'll all look like we're excited. Oh wow, those three love chocolate cake, right? We just look like we enjoy chocolate cake. But now, look what happens when the carrot cake comes. Report an error in the passage at 1:38:57 Highlight the passage at 1:38:57

1:39:21 And this is the test, this is the point. So let's say you two, you'll go, oh that's cool, we can handle this and you proceed to enjoy it. But I will go, excuse me, I ordered chocolate cake. How dare you serve me carrot cake. I'm not going to pay the bill here and I get all upset. You with me here? So beforehand, nobody could have told the difference. Report an error in the passage at 1:39:21 Highlight the passage at 1:39:21

1:39:41 You get my point here. But that response is the proof that I had attachment and you didn't. So why attachment's real sneaky. When it gets what it wants, it feels great. But the test is, if you've got attachment, it's when you get upset when you don't get it. That's the one to watch out for. So if you can, you know, relatively speaking, you can be kind of relaxed with when the thing happens that you don't like and you can adjust your mind. Report an error in the passage at 1:39:41 Highlight the passage at 1:39:41

1:40:06 That means you're doing pretty well in giving up attachment. So it's only... Is it able to recognise it when it doesn't get what it wants? Which is why that's the moment, your opportunity for practice. So now she is just beginning to practice in Iran. Now her aversion has come. Now's her time to practice. Before she was just riding on a good feeling. Now her time has come to start practice. This is really a good point. Report an error in the passage at 1:40:06 Highlight the passage at 1:40:06

1:40:29 Because we're all such junkies for feeling nice, we think that being spiritual is feeling nice. I'm sorry, it's just so embarrassing when you hear this. Spiritual is when the tough... When a tough time comes. It's sort of like we say, oh, I did my push-ups. But as soon as you start doing your push-ups and the pain starts and then you stop, you lie to yourself and say you did push-ups. Report an error in the passage at 1:40:29 Highlight the passage at 1:40:29

1:40:52 But you don't really get success on push-ups until it hurts, do you? So you've got to start hurting. And then you know you're practicing. That's the moment. So the moment attachment is thwarted and aversion arises, that's the beginning of practice. And then the real work starts. Yes. Report an error in the passage at 1:40:52 Highlight the passage at 1:40:52

1:41:12 of the mind. Yeah. coming up and seeing that and going Report an error in the passage at 1:41:12 Highlight the passage at 1:41:12

1:41:21 Every split second though, more and more subtly, more and more deeply, more and more profoundly, more and more sophisticated, more and more still play. That's how you get enlightened. Report an error in the passage at 1:41:21 Highlight the passage at 1:41:21

1:41:31 you'd be delighted, you'd love them. As Lani's over says, when you're really practicing at this You learn to love problems like you love ice cream. That's exactly right. That's the really next level. That's an amazing level of practice. You're really a tough one there. You're really advancing then. You understand? Like Lance Armstrong loves the Thai mountains. Yeah. So that's, we understand when it comes to cycling, but when it comes to dealing with anger and jealousy and depression, we think you're kind of demented if you like it. Report an error in the passage at 1:41:31 Highlight the passage at 1:41:31

1:42:00 But it's a great, marvellous way to practice. And like I said, there's all our friends in prison. These are garbage places. No one on their right mind would choose to live there. But I know a lot of people in prison who are happy people, because they have learned to like this garbage place and learn to see it. Report an error in the passage at 1:42:00 Highlight the passage at 1:42:00

1:42:15 It's a pretty great thing to do. Report an error in the passage at 1:42:15 Highlight the passage at 1:42:15

1:42:20 As you were saying earlier, so... It's that practice of going into it that actually starts with it. Yeah, if we can. We've got to be very skilled. We want to know what weights and what we can bear. But it's very definitely that. When we can go into it and change the way we interpret it. And that's the meaning of emptiness. Actually, in reality, nothing has an inherent good or bad nature in and of itself. Report an error in the passage at 1:42:20 Highlight the passage at 1:42:20

1:42:44 We have to learn to see it. Report an error in the passage at 1:42:44 Highlight the passage at 1:42:44

1:42:56 Back Report an error in the passage at 1:42:56 Highlight the passage at 1:42:56

1:42:59 to the what? The alcohol. We can talk about alcohol. Back to the talk. Okay. Okay, go on. Good. Report an error in the passage at 1:42:59 Highlight the passage at 1:42:59

1:43:23 When we're sort of buying into each other's stuff, you mean, agreeing with their things. You Report an error in the passage at 1:43:23 Highlight the passage at 1:43:23

1:43:35 mean if I come to you with my problems and I talk about how horrible Philippe is and you say, yes, Robina, isn't he horrible? You mean that's what you mean by codependence? Is that what you mean by codependence? No. Oh. Go on then. Report an error in the passage at 1:43:35 Highlight the passage at 1:43:35

1:44:08 Sometimes it's just plain old kindness. When you think, it depends on the relationship, you know? I mean, it seems to me like she's just talking as a family friend. You don't see him as much as this person, right? He's my brother. We were trying to actually do something late that night to prepare for my mother's birthday. Report an error in the passage at 1:44:08 Highlight the passage at 1:44:08

1:44:24 So it depends on the relationship of the person, doesn't it? If it's my job, and if this person sees me in that role, then my job is to help them see their mind. But if it's just, you know, it depends on the relationship, okay? Totally depends. If it's just a person who's a stranger, it depends on the person. But you see, the key, okay, it's like this. Report an error in the passage at 1:44:24 Highlight the passage at 1:44:24

1:44:45 The bird needs two wings, would have said. Wisdom. And compassion. And the whole path is divided into these two rings. So, compassion, as this Holiness says, is not enough. You need wisdom. Whereas Lama Zopa says, meaning well is not enough. We need wisdom. So, when we're codependent, we mean well all the time. We make a mess. Report an error in the passage at 1:44:45 Highlight the passage at 1:44:45

1:45:07 Because we haven't got the courage to see, or just don't know how to see clearly, what's going on in order to really help. So, compassion is the mere wish to help. This is amazing. But if you don't have the wisdom to know how, you're in big trouble. And when you've got attachment, you have zero wisdom. That's why you've got the wisdom in first. Report an error in the passage at 1:45:07 Highlight the passage at 1:45:07

1:45:28 Rip your mind, all the rubbish from your own mind. It brings two results. Your own joy and your wisdom. Now you're qualified. And you tough love as much as you like because it's all coming from the same place. A genuine wish to help that person. So another way to put this is this. I'd like to say with her brother. We can want to help this person. Report an error in the passage at 1:45:28 Highlight the passage at 1:45:28

1:45:49 But we're so sometimes, because it's attachment, and I'm not saying who it was, we're so full of what we can see is what we think the right thing to say. We blah and blah on, but it's water off the dust back. This person has no interest in hearing it. We know ourselves, look at our mums. They spent their lives telling us what to do. We now know when we're 50 that they're right. But we didn't want to know this because she had no wisdom. Report an error in the passage at 1:45:49 Highlight the passage at 1:45:49

1:46:11 She just didn't realise it was useful, that we weren't listening. So she was right, but what good was that? So wisdom gives us the ability to... Report an error in the passage at 1:46:11 Highlight the passage at 1:46:11

1:46:29 just heart breaks, but there's no better than your own new building, and that's why I have Report an error in the passage at 1:46:29 Highlight the passage at 1:46:29

1:46:42 Happiness is what Report an error in the passage at 1:46:42 Highlight the passage at 1:46:42

1:47:01 we get when we give up the delusions. But we also get wisdom. That's the marvelous thing. for the you know, it's marvellous, really. We think is what we get when we Report an error in the passage at 1:47:01 Highlight the passage at 1:47:01

1:47:11 So in other words, for the Buddha, happiness and wisdom come simultaneously. It's a great kind of approach. We would never think of wisdom as having anything to do with happiness. It sounds a very curious mix. But this is pointing to this marvellous way the Buddha understands the mind. The delusions, the neuroses, are in their nature ignorant because they're self-centred, because they don't see interdependence. Report an error in the passage at 1:47:11 Highlight the passage at 1:47:11

1:47:34 The virtues see interdependence. And when you give up, you get it. And that's what brings happiness. So happiness and wisdom come together. Ignorance and suffering come together. And right now our compassion and our love are completely collegiate value of passion. That's why we're so limited in how we help others. Report an error in the passage at 1:47:34 Highlight the passage at 1:47:34

1:47:59 So wisdom too also brings the courage to allow the person for their own suffering without running around like a mother thinking you've got to take it all away. I know I used to be infuriated with my mother. I didn't understand it then, but I know now. Report an error in the passage at 1:47:59 Highlight the passage at 1:47:59

1:48:14 She had this crazy family and incestuous father and were all diagnosed as bipolar, the whole seven of us. I think the doctor thought he'd won the lottery, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:48:14 Highlight the passage at 1:48:14

1:48:25 One was a surprise, but he gave us all lithium. But I remember I was being an old radical feminist at the time, so I told him to stick his lithium. And that's the thing about fears. I remember thinking, this is my crazy mind. If he thinks I'm manic-depressant, well then I'm going to be manic-depressant. Who cares? It's my mind. Thank you very much. Report an error in the passage at 1:48:25 Highlight the passage at 1:48:25

1:48:40 So anyway, I remember my poor mother overcompensating. I mean, she's a good Catholic, she'd never leave my father, you know. And she loved him, and I thought my father would be a man. Report an error in the passage at 1:48:40 Highlight the passage at 1:48:40

1:48:50 So the thing is, she overcompensated like a maniac. Of course she wouldn't, it's just a mother's what mothers do. And I remember being infuriated with her, because she'd be so depressed. I'd fail my life, it's a disaster, I'd made a mess, I was a bad mother. And I'd tell her, us mum, we make some choices in our life, it's not all you're doing, how dare you take all this responsibility? Report an error in the passage at 1:48:50 Highlight the passage at 1:48:50

1:49:11 Do you get my point? It was very wonderful. She gave us no responsibility for any of the choices we made. It was all her fault. It's very arrogant, really. That's lack of wisdom. So often I could see as a child, my father, who abused me in many ways, he had a lot of wisdom. I respected his wisdom. My mother would do my homework for me, for example. I was just manipulating my mum, you know. My father would say, no, she must learn from her own experience. Report an error in the passage at 1:49:11 Highlight the passage at 1:49:11

1:49:40 Learn from her. I couldn't get it. But he was dead, right? Of course he was. But my mother, she couldn't let that. She'd always pick me up. She'd pick me up. She'd pick me up from my own stupidity. then she stopped me from learning and I could see it as a child. Report an error in the passage at 1:49:40 Highlight the passage at 1:49:40

1:49:56 don't end up helping, you end up healing, you know. Because we're so scared, we're so pained by the hurt. And then, this is what the reasons to do, they exaggerate, it's kind of ironic, it is rather arrogant, although it doesn't sound, it seems rather cruel to say our mothers are arrogant and they're kind of. Report an error in the passage at 1:49:56 Highlight the passage at 1:49:56

1:50:11 This over-exaggerates the responsibility. Do you get my point? Like even her with her brother. You do feel compassion. Who wants your brother to stop suffering? Report an error in the passage at 1:50:11 Highlight the passage at 1:50:11

1:50:24 It's not our job to make the world perfect. Of course you are, but so what? He's going to die. He will die. What are you afraid of? He will die, but darling, this is his life. Just give him a hug and love him, rather than giving him a lecture. That's what the mother does. It's the mother who just wants to make it all go away. That's codependent love. Report an error in the passage at 1:50:24 Highlight the passage at 1:50:24

1:50:48 Remember, what I'm saying about my mother, I wish he would have backed off and let me have my own stuff and work it out. It's my life. Let him learn from his own experiences. Love him, have compassion. If he asks you... Report an error in the passage at 1:50:48 Highlight the passage at 1:50:48

1:51:03 And it's what he needs and it's right for him, then of course he does. Maybe the better way to be is stop acknowledging his alcoholism. Pretend he's a normal guy and say, hello, how are you? How's the weather? While he's falling down on the ground and pick him up. How are you, sweetheart? Don't refuse to admit his alcoholism. Refuse to pay attention to the alcoholism. But that's what we all do. Report an error in the passage at 1:51:03 Highlight the passage at 1:51:03

1:51:21 Our delusions always point to the argument about the person. But how about talking to the best part of it? Don't acknowledge the garbage in it. Because the ego is not set. We always feed into the worst part of each other. Feed to the best part. Do you understand? And then he will sit there flailing, waiting for the usual response. And if you don't give it to him, he doesn't know what to do. He's left within it on his face. Report an error in the passage at 1:51:21 Highlight the passage at 1:51:21

1:51:47 He can't let you be codependent, Lama. But you've got to be courageous to do this. I sit with the Lama. They're amazing in this way. We love to kind of vomit out all that misery and I'm so bad and I'm so hopeless and I'm so ugly and I know good Lama. I used to say good things. It depends on the time. Depends on the time. They always do that. Report an error in the passage at 1:51:47 Highlight the passage at 1:51:47

1:52:09 Very often, when they refuse to acknowledge that rubbish party, because the ego wants to be acknowledged, you know, so then it reinforces your right to stay in it. And that's the codependent one. That's what we all do to do. Don't be very brave, but you're a good person. You're doing well. I admire you. Report an error in the passage at 1:52:09 Highlight the passage at 1:52:09

1:52:27 You can do it. You're Report an error in the passage at 1:52:27 Highlight the passage at 1:52:27

1:52:42 a good person. Even though you might remember 99 % of it, it's okay, because all of it's gone in. And the Buddha would say there's not a single thought that goes astray. It's all gone in. I'm sowing the seed now. So we think, how marvellous, we've done two whole hours of gardening. So maybe nourish these seeds with our virtue and our effort from this moment forward. Report an error in the passage at 1:52:42 Highlight the passage at 1:52:42

1:53:04 Know that we're not the same old miserable me that plodded in the door two hours ago. You're a very different person walking out the door. You've sown a pile of seeds there. So be delighted with that. Nourish these seeds and just think, may I, may these, may, you know, may I nourish these seeds so that they grow in the future, no matter how long it takes. Report an error in the passage at 1:53:04 Highlight the passage at 1:53:04

1:53:23 In the development of my mother's potential, for my sake and my sake of life. Just like we know that I didn't do. Report an error in the passage at 1:53:23 Highlight the passage at 1:53:23

1:53:33 I'm in Report an error in the passage at 1:53:33 Highlight the passage at 1:53:33

1:53:58 my commercial for my Chasing Buddha Orphan. There's Amy Fletcher of Himalayan high tracks and for seven years now we've been running the civil program ridges to India and Nepal and out of Tibet. Twice a year, and it raises money for our prison project. So I'm leading the next one in October, November to India and Nepal. And it's just totally gorgeous. You'll have completely blissful fun for one month. Report an error in the passage at 1:53:58 Highlight the passage at 1:53:58

1:54:17 Kathmandu, and then we go to India, and people all absolutely love it to death. There you go. So if you want to come, go see it. Chasingbuddha.org. I recommend it. And what's that? We're running this amazing conference. Report an error in the passage at 1:54:17 Highlight the passage at 1:54:17

1:54:33 At the Western Hotel down in November, a great conference of about 40 people. Philip will be there as one of the moderators. 40 people, some of the best people in the Bay Area, from Stanford and from Duke and from Harvard and from New York and from all over, all on the topic of happiness, happiness and its causes. Report an error in the passage at 1:54:33 Highlight the passage at 1:54:33

1:54:48 And it was successful when you bring a bunch of dollars into the centre and the Liberation Prison Project, one of our little kind of irons in the fire. We've all got little little irons in the fire. So it should be fun. It's in November, okay? And if you haven't got money, you can come and be a volunteer. Anyone do workshops? Report an error in the passage at 1:54:48 Highlight the passage at 1:54:48

1:55:03 There's four days, two days of conference and two days of workshops. We give CEUs to nurses and social workers and the third kind. No, no, they're watching me. We've got to try and find. Anybody knows how to get CEUs for psychologists? Come and see me. You know how. He's a really helpful guy, this Billy. Even though he teaches mindfulness, he's a really good guy. Report an error in the passage at 1:55:03 Highlight the passage at 1:55:03

1:55:25 Good, come and talk to me. I'm so happy. This is exciting. Good. So we give CEUs to all those people. Now, get the booklet out there. Put them out on the table, somebody. Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 1:55:25 Highlight the passage at 1:55:25