Awakening Through Harmonious Differences

0:00 This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:16 Everyone, it's my honor to be invited to give a talk this morning. And first of all, I want to express my gratitude to the Abbot of San Francisco Zen Center to allow me to be here. And I also want to thank you, Reverend Tim Griggs, and also Hiroki, who suggested me to have this talk. Report an error in the passage at 0:16 Highlight the passage at 0:16

0:48 My thanks as well to all of the practitioners here. Thank you so much for having me here. The topic of the Dharma talk this morning is Living in harmony with differences. Report an error in the passage at 0:48 Highlight the passage at 0:48

1:15 Difference in the practice of taking refuge in the three jewels, the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Saṅgha. We understand that the Saṅgha jewel is not simply a group of people. It is the presence of harmony and purity of the... A true Saṅgha is a refuge because it is the ability to live in harmony with differences, to support one another, and to cultivate collective understanding. Report an error in the passage at 1:15 Highlight the passage at 1:15

2:00 And as you all know, maintaining harmony in any community, whether a monastery, a family, a company, A group of friends is not easy. Why? Because we are all different. Report an error in the passage at 2:00 Highlight the passage at 2:00

2:22 You have your own background. Me, mine. So we have different temperaments, opinions, habits, indications, and ways of seeing the world. Our perspective is totally different. Report an error in the passage at 2:22 Highlight the passage at 2:22

2:43 Differences can easily become source of misunderstanding or tension or sometimes conflicts too. So learning to live in harmony with differences is essential if we want to be a peaceful saṅgha, a peaceful family, peaceful society and rather peaceful world. Report an error in the passage at 2:43 Highlight the passage at 2:43

3:17 Today, we will together explore how this is possible. I also would want to share with you my experience in our own saṅgha, in our own monastery too. Not by forcing others to be like us, but rather by transforming the way we see and respond. Report an error in the passage at 3:17 Highlight the passage at 3:17

3:46 First, we would want to Recognize the differences are natural, natural, not personal. When someone behaves differently from us, we often react as if they are doing something to us. But no, in reality, each person has their own background, countless causes and conditions, family, society, education. And so when we remember that each being is a river of a flowing of conditions, a river of conditions flowing for decades, then we stop taking things personally. Report an error in the passage at 3:46 Highlight the passage at 3:46

4:41 And then that way reduce our suffer. And Report an error in the passage at 4:41 Highlight the passage at 4:41

4:48 from that, we learn to reconcile. For example, two persons. One early riser and one night owl. And they share a room in a retreat. Report an error in the passage at 4:48 Highlight the passage at 4:48

5:14 One wakes up at about, at what time you wake up here? Five? And here, for example, one wake up at four or 4.30 and ready to start the day. And another sleep late at night. And then, of course, needs quiet in the early morning. Report an error in the passage at 5:14 Highlight the passage at 5:14

5:39 So, instead of judging each other, the early riser might quietly step outside to stretch or meditate, and the other one, the night owl, try arrange to go to bed a little bit earlier than usual in the retreat. Report an error in the passage at 5:39 Highlight the passage at 5:39

6:06 With that way, by adjusting just a little bit, a small act of consideration, they might still keep the harmony between them, at least in such a short time of the retreat. How Report an error in the passage at 6:06 Highlight the passage at 6:06

6:35 to do that, how to reconcile when we are different? I think at first we would learn to... Let go of the expectation you should be like me. That expectation annoys us first. Report an error in the passage at 6:35 Highlight the passage at 6:35

6:59 So, letting go of that expression. And we also understand that that expectation is the root of many conflicts when we live together. We suffer because we are holding a solid Invisible rule book. People should act this way. People should talk that way. People should react this way. But our rule book is only from, my rule book is only from my experience, not universal truth. Report an error in the passage at 6:59 Highlight the passage at 6:59

7:41 But still, we always expect that people would be the same with me. So, When things don't follow our rule book, we call it wrong. But often it's just different. So now we would reflect to ourselves, is this truly wrong or just not my preferred way? With that way, when somebody goes against our habit, recognize it, and then... Report an error in the passage at 7:41 Highlight the passage at 7:41

8:23 Try to smile instead of react or feel bad. Report an error in the passage at 8:23 Highlight the passage at 8:23

8:33 In a family, if some people need the silence to feel calm and another love to talk and share, how do you think they can live in harmony? Report an error in the passage at 8:33 Highlight the passage at 8:33

8:52 So if they are practitioners and when they are enough with quarreling, They might find a solution instead of pushing each other. They agree on quiet times and sharing times. For example, they may share things at the meals, dinner time, that is the share times. And after dinner, quiet times. And so both are well kept. Report an error in the passage at 8:52 Highlight the passage at 8:52

9:30 So mutual understanding transforms tension into connection. And we need mutual understanding. To have mutual understanding, we would practice deep listening. Of course, all of you know we should have deep listening. But the should is not always easy. Report an error in the passage at 9:30 Highlight the passage at 9:30

10:00 Understanding before judging. We are so quick at judging people. And so perhaps it would be better to just pause, just in one breath, and then listen, listen. Report an error in the passage at 10:00 Highlight the passage at 10:00

10:24 Usually I ask my assistant, she is here, please listen to me before replying. Is it true? that true? Report an error in the passage at 10:24 Highlight the passage at 10:24

10:42 She is so smart and so quick. And then before I finish my sentence, she will try to help me by saying something before I finish my sentence. And then I ask, I advise her to have to please listen and deep listening. It means listen not only with our ears. But with our heart and with our clear mind. It seems simple, but no. Because our mind is always busy, busy. Report an error in the passage at 10:42 Highlight the passage at 10:42

11:23 And we have a kind of rule book already, our plan already. And so when we listen to the other, not with clear mind. So deep listening, settle a little bit. And clear mind to receive the message is delivered. And then only with clear mind and the quiet insight we can really have a deep listening to understand what that person is talking to us. Report an error in the passage at 11:23 Highlight the passage at 11:23

12:08 To me, it is kind of practice. Do Report an error in the passage at 12:08 Highlight the passage at 12:08

12:17 you usually experience some behavior? For example, Report an error in the passage at 12:17 Highlight the passage at 12:17

12:29 you are still so nice, so kind, but that person behaves you strangely. And then, how about that? Report an error in the passage at 12:29 Highlight the passage at 12:29

12:46 So we need to look beneath the behavior. On the surface, people express anger, stubbornness, or judgment, but deep down beneath the behavior, I think usually just the same human needs, safety, love, belonging, respect, ease. So to keep the harmonies in our community, we will practice look beneath the behavior. Report an error in the passage at 12:46 Highlight the passage at 12:46

13:27 It is not easy. I am too very quick for reacting, and we are easy to be hurt. When people behave not really good to us. For example, a controlling person is often afraid of chaos and uncertainty. A talkative person may be lonely. A person with strong opinions may feel insecure inside. Report an error in the passage at 13:27 Highlight the passage at 13:27

14:08 And so when we have that understanding, We might have an empathy and then see in the need behind the behavior transforms irritation into tenderness. Report an error in the passage at 14:08 Highlight the passage at 14:08

14:24 And now, would you please tell me how if both people, both sides think I'm right, they don't want to yield. Would you please share with me your experience? When both people think I'm right, I would want things to go this way. Report an error in the passage at 14:24 Highlight the passage at 14:24

14:56 I don't want to step back. I still keep my habit. Could you please share with me your experience? Have you ever been in that situation? Have you ever shared a room with that roommate? Report an error in the passage at 14:56 Highlight the passage at 14:56

15:17 Yes, please. Report an error in the passage at 15:17 Highlight the passage at 15:17

15:24 Hello. So I once shared a room with a roommate. We both felt that we were right, and then we started talking, and then we talked and talked, and then after a lot of talking, discussion, maybe conflict, we realized that we see the world fundamentally differently, like by default is a human being like a loving, love-deserving Report an error in the passage at 15:24 Highlight the passage at 15:24

16:00 Utility and luxury deserving or as a human being by default something that needs to work their way up for it and even for love, respect, things like those. So that was what I realized with that. But it required a lot of conversation and conflict that we fundamentally see the identity of human being differently. Report an error in the passage at 16:00 Highlight the passage at 16:00

16:28 Thank you for the sharing. Any other experience to share with us? Yes, please sir. Thank Report an error in the passage at 16:28 Highlight the passage at 16:28

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17:51 you for the sharing. Right and wrong is just a choice. Thank you for the sharing. Report an error in the passage at 17:51 Highlight the passage at 17:51

18:03 Yes, please sir. Good Report an error in the passage at 18:03 Highlight the passage at 18:03

18:09 morning. I have been living for many years with a partner, a wife, and she is Vietnamese. She is here today. And I don't know if you will appreciate this sharing, but sometimes when a discussion comes up or a disagreement or a different view, and what I hear is, in Vietnam we don't think of it that way, we don't do it that way. Report an error in the passage at 18:09 Highlight the passage at 18:09

18:39 And my response is, well, we're not in Vietnam. Now, I'm wondering if you could have a response to us as how to... How to, yes, I am asking how for resolution advice. Report an error in the passage at 18:39 Highlight the passage at 18:39

19:10 Situation, I think, happen in almost all communities. And also, I have to confront the same problem, the same issue at our monastery too. And sometimes, or many times, I will feel upset. And I have to control my emotion too here because Report an error in the passage at 19:10 Highlight the passage at 19:10

19:38 Both, or if we have four people, four people will say I'm right. Yeah, and so we need the wisdom of holding two truths at once. Two Report an error in the passage at 19:38 Highlight the passage at 19:38

19:56 people can both be right from their own perspective, especially about politics or society or something. We can convince that people to change their viewpoint. Report an error in the passage at 19:56 Highlight the passage at 19:56

20:12 And so here, harmony doesn't require sameness. A mature mind can hold two truths without collapsing into anger or defensiveness. For example, we may say, your view is true for you, my view is true for me. And so... Report an error in the passage at 20:12 Highlight the passage at 20:12

20:46 For example, about politics or social issue. And instead of debating endlessly or expect that person to change their ways, to change their habit. So now we agree to listen without trying to convert each other. Just listen. And then second, we focus. On shared values, we ignore that difference. And instead of that, we focus on shared values. Report an error in the passage at 20:46 Highlight the passage at 20:46

21:29 Care, fairness, community, and we enjoy activities that nurture connection. Walking, cooking, practicing meditation, and that different aspect, that different angle, ignore it. And if that person would want to discuss with you, I think we just listen without trying to convert that person. Trying to convert, just listen. Because that person just needs you to listen. I don't think they need you to agree. Report an error in the passage at 21:29 Highlight the passage at 21:29

22:12 You can not agree, but just listen. And share the other values. And the lesson here is we don't need the same ideas to love each other. Report an error in the passage at 22:12 Highlight the passage at 22:12

22:36 This is easy to talk, to understand, but of course not easy to practice. So how to practice this? I think we need to practice ourselves. To need to create the inner calm. Inner calm will create outer harmony. Report an error in the passage at 22:36 Highlight the passage at 22:36

23:11 When the mind is agitated, even a small difference can indicate. But when the mind is peaceful, settled, balanced, and even big differences become workable. Report an error in the passage at 23:11 Highlight the passage at 23:11

23:31 So the foundation, It's our own practice. Practice being mindful or back to our breathing or pausing before reacting or recognizing emotions as emotions, not the ego, just a passing emotion, just a conditioned emotion. Come and go. Report an error in the passage at 23:31 Highlight the passage at 23:31

24:06 If you feel so tightened in the chest, upset totally inside, perhaps you would need to get out of that situation and have a walking meditation to settle the energy or find some water to drink, have some sips. And when you are anchored inside, Report an error in the passage at 24:06 Highlight the passage at 24:06

24:40 Other people's grief no longer shake you. So the key thing is settled inside. But Report an error in the passage at 24:40 Highlight the passage at 24:40

24:53 usually, we cannot control ourselves in the situation. To my experience, when I'm busy, when I don't feel good, it is easy to react. Report an error in the passage at 24:53 Highlight the passage at 24:53

25:20 To avoid the conflicts or the arguing or the bad behavior with my sisters at the monastery, I have to take care of myself first, my status first, before things happen. Report an error in the passage at 25:20 Highlight the passage at 25:20

25:43 It means that I have to keep my own practice rather constantly. Before the storm happened. So Report an error in the passage at 25:43 Highlight the passage at 25:43

26:07 with that way, differences are a gift. Not only bring conflicts to ourselves, but also when we change our angle, our perspective, we might find that they are a gift. A careful people keeps us safe. A serious person. Bring depth. Report an error in the passage at 26:07 Highlight the passage at 26:07

26:41 An enthusiastic person energizes the group. So just like in the garden, there are many kinds of flowers. If we skillfully arrange things, then that will give the richness, the beauty for the whole garden. But if we do not know how to harmonize them, The garden can become messy and flowers may clash with one another. Report an error in the passage at 26:41 Highlight the passage at 26:41

27:22 Another important thing is we should not attach to our views. Learn to practice to have a clear mind, open enough to understand and accept. A different idea, so not attached to our view so much. We might ask ourselves, are you sure about it? So just ponder, have second thought, think about it, and then we might avoid some conflicts, unnecessary conflict. Report an error in the passage at 27:22 Highlight the passage at 27:22

28:25 When we practice well and... We usually reflect to ourselves. We will find that everyone is our teacher. Each situation is a teacher who teaches us something. Report an error in the passage at 28:25 Highlight the passage at 28:25

28:53 Every person who irritates us reveals something inside us. Report an error in the passage at 28:53 Highlight the passage at 28:53

29:04 So instead of fighting, The person, we can learn from the reaction. We might reflect to ourselves, what is this person teaching me right now? And this turns daily life into dharma practice. Instead of react, we will find that this conflict reveals something inside us. The impatience, the pride. The fear, the attack to being right, some old wounds. So those things happening are a kind of mirror for us to look and recognize what is inside. Report an error in the passage at 29:04 Highlight the passage at 29:04

29:57 And then that turns daily lives into dharma practice. A story unlike a monk. One asked his teacher, why do some people bother me so much in this monastery, for example, in my monastery? Report an error in the passage at 29:57 Highlight the passage at 29:57

30:23 And the teacher replied, can you guess the reply of the teacher? Why do some people bother me so much? Report an error in the passage at 30:23 Highlight the passage at 30:23

30:38 And the teacher and the master replied, because they touch. So Report an error in the passage at 30:38 Highlight the passage at 30:38

30:49 I Report an error in the passage at 30:49 Highlight the passage at 30:49

31:07 have only five minutes to conclude the talk. Report an error in the passage at 31:07 Highlight the passage at 31:07

31:14 Living in harmony with differences is not about changing others. Always I, that are still untrained. Report an error in the passage at 31:14 Highlight the passage at 31:14

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31:25 We expect the others to change, to adjust themselves, to fit me. But no, it is about transforming the way we see. Report an error in the passage at 31:25 Highlight the passage at 31:25

31:41 So harmony with differences arises when we cultivate understanding instead of judgment, acceptance instead of resistance. Report an error in the passage at 31:41 Highlight the passage at 31:41

32:00 A deep listening instead of reacting, inner calm instead of outer control. Report an error in the passage at 32:00 Highlight the passage at 32:00

32:12 I have some responsibility in my monastery, and then usually I have the tendency to control the others, to arrange things in my way. And so now inner calm instead of outer control. Report an error in the passage at 32:12 Highlight the passage at 32:12

32:34 Compassion instead of expectation or practice non-attachment or healthy boundaries. So then, living in harmony, living with differences becomes not a burden but a path of awakening. A path of awakening. We will realize something inside. The conflicts, Report an error in the passage at 32:34 Highlight the passage at 32:34

33:08 It will give us an opportunity to understand myself, to understand what is deep down here, what is untrained here. So instead of blaming the others, I will give a gassho and say, thank you, teacher. Report an error in the passage at 33:08 Highlight the passage at 33:08

33:35 And with that way, differences become less. So, Report an error in the passage at 33:35 Highlight the passage at 33:35

33:46 in summary, there are three things to remember. To me, I share my experience, three things to remember. First, yield to one another like two people dancing a tango. Report an error in the passage at 33:46 Highlight the passage at 33:46

34:06 Second, for differences that cannot be reconciled, simply let them go. more of a path. Report an error in the passage at 34:06 Highlight the passage at 34:06

34:14 And enjoy the areas where you share common ground. Report an error in the passage at 34:14 Highlight the passage at 34:14

34:22 And third, do not demand perfection in relationship. The more you demand or request perfection, the more you suffer. Report an error in the passage at 34:22 Highlight the passage at 34:22

34:36 And with this attitude, living together in a saṅgha, in a family, in a group of friends, becomes a joy and rather a practice. practice bringing benefit to everyone. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. Report an error in the passage at 34:36 Highlight the passage at 34:36

35:12 For more information, visit sfzc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma. Report an error in the passage at 35:12 Highlight the passage at 35:12