Held in the Vastness

0:00 This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good Sunday morning to all of you here in Green Dragon Temple. Also, hello to those of you joining online now and perhaps sometime in the future. My name is Eli. Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:33 I'm one of the resident priests here and also currently serving as Actim Tanto. So let me know how I do. Before I get started, I want to extend a deep bow to Abbot Jiryu for not only inviting me to give this talk, but to serve in this way. Report an error in the passage at 0:33 Highlight the passage at 0:33

0:57 It's hard to express to those of you who may not have had this opportunity, but getting to support the Saṅgha. Getting to support the students and the practice container here, I'm really, really looking forward to it. I also want to give a big thanks. I think my teacher, Ed, is watching online for supporting me to actually do this. I did not, let's just say I was in heavy consideration when the opportunity came up, but he somehow made it possible. Report an error in the passage at 0:57 Highlight the passage at 0:57

1:34 So a little background to me. I was originally supposed to come to Green Gulch and be here for decades. To explain that, about 15 years ago is when I arrived to Zen Center, and they have this great thing you can do, you can still do, if you go to Tassahara, our monastery in Carmel Valley area. You can spend a summer there, and then in return you get to And so that was the plan. Report an error in the passage at 1:34 Highlight the passage at 1:34

2:26 The summer ended. Green Gulch said, hold on, you can't come for another two weeks. So I ended up going to City Center for those two weeks, and then about 14 years later, ended up moving here. The reason I bring that up is, some of you may do this, and it's not the most practiced thing to do, but play the game of what if. Report an error in the passage at 2:26 Highlight the passage at 2:26

2:52 And so for many years, I would come here for a day-long retreat or a sesshin and be like, oh, what it would have been like if I practiced here. And so I'm starting to touch into that, starting to play with the quails, chase them around. I don't know. It sort of reminds me of, but also more intimate things. We have a beautiful practice on Wednesday mornings. Report an error in the passage at 2:52 Highlight the passage at 2:52

3:24 I wish you could come. Maybe you could. I don't know. But the residents stop Zazen early and we all go out to the fields for community tending. Report an error in the passage at 3:24 Highlight the passage at 3:24

4:00 trying to hoe them and it just kind of smushes over doesn't really work and then I'm like pulling them because I'm somewhat of a brute and they were just snapping and Drew taught me I just you got to tend to the soil use your hands a little bit loosen it up and there's this really beautiful individual thing with each piece of morning glory that you get it and it wiggles and it just comes out and so that's one of the yeah Report an error in the passage at 4:00 Highlight the passage at 4:00

4:28 The touching points besides having tea on the bench out there with my eight-and-a-half-year-old. Furthermore, it brought up a practice that I had been engaging in in the city and had brought out here. Report an error in the passage at 4:28 Highlight the passage at 4:28

4:42 And it's kind of a honing maybe of my way-seeking mind. And so it's a question or maybe an instruction to be as kind as silence is to sound. Report an error in the passage at 4:42 Highlight the passage at 4:42

5:01 And for me, that means meeting things where they are, being with things as they arise. So the last couple of weeks, or about a month now, have been very supportive of this environment to soften, to slow down. Report an error in the passage at 5:01 Highlight the passage at 5:01

5:20 And when we meet in here or out there, we're just tending to one big Buddha field. So how can I do this with the same kindness that silence gives to sound? How can we meet ourselves with that kind of kindness? So that's some of what I wanted to talk about today. Report an error in the passage at 5:20 Highlight the passage at 5:20

5:44 It's going to be practice-based for the first bit. The students here know that I'm a fan of practice. So I'm going to invite you to just settle for a moment. You can lower your gaze, close your eyes. Report an error in the passage at 5:44 Highlight the passage at 5:44

6:01 But just taking a moment to let ourselves settle in this barn collectively. Report an error in the passage at 6:01 Highlight the passage at 6:01

6:12 Just noticing Report an error in the passage at 6:12 Highlight the passage at 6:12

6:38 so Report an error in the passage at 6:38 Highlight the passage at 6:38

6:58 much of our lives are spent leaning slightly forward into the next thing, Report an error in the passage at 6:58 Highlight the passage at 6:58

7:06 preparing, managing. Collect ourselves. Report an error in the passage at 7:06 Highlight the passage at 7:06

6:35 Noticing the sounds. Report an error in the passage at 6:35 Highlight the passage at 6:35

· · · silence, 1 minute

7:12 Solving. And Report an error in the passage at 7:12 Highlight the passage at 7:12

7:17 this practice of Zazen invites something very different. A moment not to add or change or edit. Report an error in the passage at 7:17 Highlight the passage at 7:17

7:35 Just noticing what's already here. So Report an error in the passage at 7:35 Highlight the passage at 7:35

7:49 this morning I'd like to explore that a little bit more. Not as an idea, but perhaps a direct experience. So Report an error in the passage at 7:49 Highlight the passage at 7:49

8:04 you can come back into the space now that you're here. So I want to talk about a trauma-informed mindfulness thematic, I've added extra words to it, exercise that was inspired by David Trelevan's work. Report an error in the passage at 8:04 Highlight the passage at 8:04

8:24 It was quite brief and I just kind of spiraled with it. And so before we start, if you could just take a look at your open hand for a moment. Report an error in the passage at 8:24 Highlight the passage at 8:24

8:38 Wiggle your fingers. Report an error in the passage at 8:38 Highlight the passage at 8:38

8:43 Softly caress your palm. And just to notice that there's something kind of beautiful about an open palm. If you've ever looked at a baby, examining their hand, reaching out for yours, recognizing that this open hand can reach, it can receive, it can offer. Report an error in the passage at 8:43 Highlight the passage at 8:43

9:11 And like I said, in many ways, that's how we enter this world. With curiosity. With a bit of openness, wanting connection. Report an error in the passage at 9:11 Highlight the passage at 9:11

9:28 So you can even imagine now that in that open hand you came into the world with, you're holding something very precious. Perhaps your authentic self, your Buddha nature, or just simply your aliveness. Report an error in the passage at 9:28 Highlight the passage at 9:28

9:48 And over time, through causes and conditions, sometimes something happens. We learn to protect. We learn about boundaries. Report an error in the passage at 9:48 Highlight the passage at 9:48

10:02 We encounter fear and our identity. Report an error in the passage at 10:02 Highlight the passage at 10:02

10:08 Sometimes what starts to happen is this hand starts to close slowly or quickly. So go ahead and make a fist. You're protecting that essence. Report an error in the passage at 10:08 Highlight the passage at 10:08

10:24 And making a fist isn't bad. At first, this fist is formed quite intelligently. Report an error in the passage at 10:24 Highlight the passage at 10:24

10:36 We feel like we might not be able to fully touch life, express ourselves, receive connection that can go in deeply. Report an error in the passage at 10:36 Highlight the passage at 10:36

11:07 And so sometimes this is the moment that we interpractice. We come to a Zen center, we might go to a therapist, and in one way or another we say, can you help me open this hand? Report an error in the passage at 11:07 Highlight the passage at 11:07

11:26 So take your fist, and typically this is our approach, is we try to open up the fists with force. So go ahead and just do that for a moment. not too violently, but just enough to notice the experience. Report an error in the passage at 11:26 Highlight the passage at 11:26

11:47 If it helps to close the eyes, you might notice what happens to the body. Report an error in the passage at 11:47 Highlight the passage at 11:47

11:56 Often the fist will tighten more and there's a sense of resistance in the body. I Report an error in the passage at 11:56 Highlight the passage at 11:56

12:06 think that's Report an error in the passage at 12:06 Highlight the passage at 12:06

12:14 how a lot of us relate to ourselves, trying to force our hand open. Trying to force healing, trying to force awakening, force change or force release. Report an error in the passage at 12:14 Highlight the passage at 12:14

12:30 So go ahead and you can put your fist down to the side for a moment and we're going to take that pesky hand that was once trying to do things with force and you could consider this your hand of awareness or presence. Report an error in the passage at 12:30 Highlight the passage at 12:30

12:48 Before we re-engage with the fist, just take a moment and you can put That open hand on your chest, your heart, or even your hara, right below your belly. And for a moment, just breathe deeply, perhaps generating feelings of compassion, of Report an error in the passage at 12:48 Highlight the passage at 12:48

13:12 openness, curiosity, or even love. Report an error in the passage at 13:12 Highlight the passage at 13:12

13:25 When you've brought some of that forth, you're going to take your hand of awareness and just gently place it under that fist. Report an error in the passage at 13:25 Highlight the passage at 13:25

13:38 And then in a silent type of communication, you can just kind of communicate, yes, you have every right to be closed. Report an error in the passage at 13:38 Highlight the passage at 13:38

13:55 I'm not going to try to change you. I'm not going to try to pry you open. Report an error in the passage at 13:55 Highlight the passage at 13:55

14:05 I'm here with you. Report an error in the passage at 14:05 Highlight the passage at 14:05

14:11 You do not need to change for me to be present. Report an error in the passage at 14:11 Highlight the passage at 14:11

14:21 I'll just sit here with you. Report an error in the passage at 14:21 Highlight the passage at 14:21

14:29 So just notice what happens if the hand... naturally softens or opens, that's fine. And if it doesn't, that's okay too. Just notice the difference between trying to force compassionate awareness versus just supplying it. Report an error in the passage at 14:29 Highlight the passage at 14:29

14:56 In some ways, this is the basis of our Zazen practice. You can go ahead and open your eyes for a moment. Report an error in the passage at 14:56 Highlight the passage at 14:56

15:10 Just take a second to reflect on that difference between force and compassionate awareness. Report an error in the passage at 15:10 Highlight the passage at 15:10

15:23 So this next one, I honestly mean that, it might require a little more imagination. So if you're a downward gazer, you might want to close your eyes for this. Become comfortable in whatever position your body is requesting. Report an error in the passage at 15:23 Highlight the passage at 15:23

15:52 So we're going to take, I guess, a deep dive. into our historic past. Report an error in the passage at 15:52 Highlight the passage at 15:52

16:04 So you're going to imagine, and you can source this from your heart, but imagine the beginning of this universe. Report an error in the passage at 16:04 Highlight the passage at 16:04

16:16 Whatever language you'd like to prescribe to that, the Big Bang, creation, big mind, or the original unfolding, starting Report an error in the passage at 16:16 Highlight the passage at 16:16

16:33 with immense energy. Report an error in the passage at 16:33 Highlight the passage at 16:33

16:42 Stars are forming, Report an error in the passage at 16:42 Highlight the passage at 16:42

16:47 burning, and Report an error in the passage at 16:47 Highlight the passage at 16:47

16:54 then collapsing. Report an error in the passage at 16:54 Highlight the passage at 16:54

17:03 Exploding, Report an error in the passage at 17:03 Highlight the passage at 17:03

17:12 elements emerging, Report an error in the passage at 17:12 Highlight the passage at 17:12

17:20 hydrogen, carbon, iron, calcium, ingredients Report an error in the passage at 17:20 Highlight the passage at 17:20

17:40 for the ocean, Report an error in the passage at 17:40 Highlight the passage at 17:40

17:50 mountains, plants, Report an error in the passage at 17:50 Highlight the passage at 17:50

18:02 bodies. Over Report an error in the passage at 18:02 Highlight the passage at 18:02

18:17 immense stretches of time, the universe becoming earth, the Report an error in the passage at 18:17 Highlight the passage at 18:17

18:33 earth becoming life, life Report an error in the passage at 18:33 Highlight the passage at 18:33

18:46 changing. Report an error in the passage at 18:46 Highlight the passage at 18:46

18:54 Adapting, learning Report an error in the passage at 18:54 Highlight the passage at 18:54

19:01 to survive, Report an error in the passage at 19:01 Highlight the passage at 19:01

19:15 ancestors breathing, Report an error in the passage at 19:15 Highlight the passage at 19:15

19:25 protecting children, Report an error in the passage at 19:25 Highlight the passage at 19:25

19:37 loving, Report an error in the passage at 19:37 Highlight the passage at 19:37

19:42 working, Report an error in the passage at 19:42 Highlight the passage at 19:42

19:48 grieving, Report an error in the passage at 19:48 Highlight the passage at 19:48

19:52 continuing, Report an error in the passage at 19:52 Highlight the passage at 19:52

20:02 generation after generation, and Report an error in the passage at 20:02 Highlight the passage at 20:02

20:13 eventually this body, this Report an error in the passage at 20:13 Highlight the passage at 20:13

20:33 breath, this Report an error in the passage at 20:33 Highlight the passage at 20:33

20:47 awareness, and Report an error in the passage at 20:47 Highlight the passage at 20:47

20:58 this hand. Report an error in the passage at 20:58 Highlight the passage at 20:58

21:07 The current edge of the universe touching itself. Report an error in the passage at 21:07 Highlight the passage at 21:07

21:33 The carbon in one hand may have originated from a different exploded star than the carbon in the So Report an error in the passage at 21:33 Highlight the passage at 21:33

21:51 this hand is not separate from the cosmos. It Report an error in the passage at 21:51 Highlight the passage at 21:51

22:00 is quite literally the cosmos temporarily appearing in this form. No Report an error in the passage at 22:00 Highlight the passage at 22:00

22:16 separation between stars, earth, Report an error in the passage at 22:16 Highlight the passage at 22:16

22:25 ancestors, body, and this moment. Report an error in the passage at 22:25 Highlight the passage at 22:25

22:43 And this hand can close or this hand can open. It Report an error in the passage at 22:43 Highlight the passage at 22:43

22:54 can protect or offer the Report an error in the passage at 22:54 Highlight the passage at 22:54

23:05 universe expressing itself through conditions. What Report an error in the passage at 23:05 Highlight the passage at 23:05

23:23 appears through us depends partly on whether we experience ourselves as separate. And Report an error in the passage at 23:23 Highlight the passage at 23:23

23:35 yet, The hand never leaves the universe body, neither Report an error in the passage at 23:35 Highlight the passage at 23:35

23:50 do we. So Report an error in the passage at 23:50 Highlight the passage at 23:50

24:04 universe, you can gently return to the room, breathing, hearing, sitting, this Report an error in the passage at 24:04 Highlight the passage at 24:04

24:16 moment. Report an error in the passage at 24:16 Highlight the passage at 24:16

24:22 And I think this is important because sometimes we hear teachings about causes and conditions, interdependence, conditioning, so on and so forth. And at least I know for myself, I can subtly move into either blame or kind of this state of helplessness. Report an error in the passage at 24:22 Highlight the passage at 24:22

24:43 I once heard Tension Reb Anderson, former abbot of this temple, say, we are not responsible for all the causes and conditions that have come together in this moment. Report an error in the passage at 24:43 Highlight the passage at 24:43

25:02 You're not responsible. But we are responsible for this moment and how we move in it. For me, that's something I find deeply compassionate because it's the truth. We didn't individually create this hand. We didn't create the stars, evolution, our ancestry, or the countless causes and conditions that have shaped our body, our nervous system, our personality in life. Report an error in the passage at 25:02 Highlight the passage at 25:02

25:41 And yet, we're responsible for this hand, responsible for how it touches the world. world, how it protects, how it harms, how it offers, how it So Report an error in the passage at 25:41 Highlight the passage at 25:41

26:05 this practice that we're engaging in is not about blaming ourselves for being conditioned. It's about becoming intimate enough with that conditioning that we can participate more consciously. Report an error in the passage at 26:05 Highlight the passage at 26:05

26:22 So in a way, the universe has temporarily entrusted itself to us. Report an error in the passage at 26:22 Highlight the passage at 26:22

26:31 Again, how can we practice in a way, how can we learn in a way to care for that responsibly? Report an error in the passage at 26:31 Highlight the passage at 26:31

26:41 And yet, the hand never leaves the body, and neither do we. Report an error in the passage at 26:41 Highlight the passage at 26:41

26:48 So I have too much time left, but I'd like to talk a little bit about what might keep the hand closed. So Report an error in the passage at 26:48 Highlight the passage at 26:48

27:12 there's a lot of ways that Buddhism could describe this. In our... Kind of day-to-day sitting, we have something called the five hindrances, which you could say are wanting things. I won't do the middle finger. Not wanting things. We have anxiety, and we have this kind of torpor, or you could call it some laziness. Report an error in the passage at 27:12 Highlight the passage at 27:12

27:46 And then we have doubt. Doubt's always the good old thumb. But I personally experience it a little bit different, and we all have different fingerprints. So just to give you a little bit of maybe understanding of how my fist got formed, comparing minds, just walking into fear in general. These all happen really early in life as well. The fact that we get judged, or maybe we have to earn love. Report an error in the passage at 27:46 Highlight the passage at 27:46

28:20 Love isn't guaranteed. And for me, that started making me need to protect what was inside this palm, this body. And then thumb again, good old self-doubt, locking them all in, at least from my point of view. And like I said, it's good for you to study your fingers, the ways that your fists close. Report an error in the passage at 28:20 Highlight the passage at 28:20

28:50 And of course, that doubt kind of... It signifies that we're separate, that we're perhaps outside of what we would call life, and I must protect myself in order to exist. Report an error in the passage at 28:50 Highlight the passage at 28:50

29:08 And again, I want to say and emphasize that none of that is bad. You can't just walk around like this. It doesn't work. You can't even hold things. The fist formed from intelligence. Report an error in the passage at 29:08 Highlight the passage at 29:08

29:25 But through causes and conditions, whether that's family, culture, pain, protection, survival, the hand closes because life has taught it to. Report an error in the passage at 29:25 Highlight the passage at 29:25

29:40 And in this practice, it's not that we're trying to destroy the self, but we're just trying to soften some of the rigidity or maybe a lot of the rigidity around it. Report an error in the passage at 29:40 Highlight the passage at 29:40

29:57 Our Soto founder, we all know is famous for saying, Ehe Dogen. To study the self is to forget the self. Report an error in the passage at 29:57 Highlight the passage at 29:57

30:10 But I do not think that this means erasing ourselves. It just means loosening the grip. And when the grip softens, we can meet the universe again. I guess the universe can meet itself again. Report an error in the passage at 30:10 Highlight the passage at 30:10

30:30 Particularly in Mahāyāna Buddhism, we have a figure, Avalokiteshvara. How many have heard of Avalokiteshvara? Okay, great. That's the bodhisattva of... Compassion. And one of my favorite depictions, we have a big, about as big as the Buddha on the altar, Avalokiteshvara with all thousands of her hands. Report an error in the passage at 30:30 Highlight the passage at 30:30

30:56 There's probably only like 150 on ours, but you get the point. And in this configuration of Avalokiteshvara, each hand has an eye right in the middle representing awareness. Report an error in the passage at 30:56 Highlight the passage at 30:56

31:11 Compassion in action. So it's important to remember that compassion is not just a feeling. It's awareness expressing itself through relationship, reaching out. Report an error in the passage at 31:11 Highlight the passage at 31:11

31:28 And the reason that Avalokiteshvara has a thousand hands is because suffering appears in countless forms. And it's reality's way of kind of reaching towards itself in countless ways. Report an error in the passage at 31:28 Highlight the passage at 31:28

31:47 And it's kind of neat if you see it. It has different objects in its hand. But furthermore, each hand is offering something. Maybe a hand feeding, protecting. One hand could be grieving. One hand definitely is planting, right? And a hand holding another hand. Report an error in the passage at 31:47 Highlight the passage at 31:47

32:11 These are all ways of the universe meeting itself. Report an error in the passage at 32:11 Highlight the passage at 32:11

32:17 And perhaps awakening is not escaping the world, but allowing this hand to participate more openly in it. Report an error in the passage at 32:17 Highlight the passage at 32:17

32:31 Again, not because the fist disappears, the self goes away, but because the fist softens, we can meet the moment with more sincerity, with more kindness. Report an error in the passage at 32:31 Highlight the passage at 32:31

32:52 I also want to deviate and say this is also why belonging is so important. So for me, when that hand is receiving whatever this fist is holding and going through, that's a kind of an ultimate form of belonging. And also why in these temples or in whatever community spaces you occupy, it's so important to touch into people's sense of belonging. Report an error in the passage at 32:52 Highlight the passage at 32:52

33:24 Of course, here, We're doing a particular type of work with belonging, the type of belonging that's not impacted or dependent on external factors, just like the Buddha when he touched the ground facing off with Mira. And yet, in order to do that deep work, to meet ourselves fully, we have to feel a sense of external belonging. Report an error in the passage at 33:24 Highlight the passage at 33:24

33:50 We have to feel psychologically safe. We have to see others that mirror us, a representation, and we need to feel like we can be ourselves. Report an error in the passage at 33:50 Highlight the passage at 33:50

34:05 So that's an external sense of belonging. On the cushion, though, we're providing that for ourselves, a place where we can feel seen and safe for whatever we're bringing forward and held and appreciated as we are. Report an error in the passage at 34:05 Highlight the passage at 34:05

34:27 Zen teaching that we typically chant during, I guess, noon service is the self-receiving and employing samādhi. And I wanted to bring forth another kind of red paraphrase quote that has stayed with me deeply. In reference to this samādhi, he said that this samādhi is the Buddha sitting zazen, or you are sitting the Buddha's zazen. Report an error in the passage at 34:27 Highlight the passage at 34:27

35:02 And eventually, the separation starts to dissolve. It's simply the universe sitting with itself. I always like that. We're not trying to transcend reality, reality fully expressing itself through this posture that we take. Swazazen is you holding yourself upright in the universe, or it's not. Excuse me, you holding yourself upright through the universe. It's the universe holding itself in posture through you. Don't want to misquote that. Report an error in the passage at 35:02 Highlight the passage at 35:02

35:39 And Suzuki Roshi says, when you sit, the whole universe sits. And I don't think he means that metaphorically. I was listening to a talk, many talks, my teacher has brought this up, but a koan about ordinary mind is the way. I'm not going to go deep into the koan, but I did want to bring this forth. A monk said, what is the way? Nansen replied, ordinary mind is the way. Report an error in the passage at 35:39 Highlight the passage at 35:39

36:16 And so just to realize that not because ordinary mind is small, but because nothing is outside of it. Again, this breath, this body, this sound, this movement. Report an error in the passage at 36:16 Highlight the passage at 36:16

36:35 Our everyday activity is the universe appearing as ordinary life. Report an error in the passage at 36:35 Highlight the passage at 36:35

36:46 So it's almost 11, and the Tantra likes things to be timely. So I'll close just again reinstating that perhaps awakening is not becoming cosmic. So if any of you are still out there on an astral plane, please return. It's just relaxing enough to realize that we never left. Report an error in the passage at 36:46 Highlight the passage at 36:46

37:14 This hand never leaves the body, neither Report an error in the passage at 37:14 Highlight the passage at 37:14

37:21 do we. Report an error in the passage at 37:21 Highlight the passage at 37:21

37:26 At each moment, this hand, this Buddha body, is the universe extending itself. Report an error in the passage at 37:26 Highlight the passage at 37:26

37:41 Oh, we chant after Q &A. Okay. So I think we'll have a little bit of Q &A before we chant the closing verse. Thank you, kitchen folks. Report an error in the passage at 37:41 Highlight the passage at 37:41

38:04 Going to prepare a delicious lunch. Report an error in the passage at 38:04 Highlight the passage at 38:04

38:11 Hello. Hello. Thank you for your talk about our hands. It was something that I've never, haven't thought about in that way. Mary Mussine, who just passed away, this is something that I sort of try to say every day, but the open hand is not the grasping hand. That's not exactly the way she said it, but it really is a, I use that. Report an error in the passage at 38:11 Highlight the passage at 38:11

38:43 Thank you for your comments. Report an error in the passage at 38:43 Highlight the passage at 38:43

39:11 And thank you for bringing Mary into the room. you comment on that? I don't know what there is to comment on. I mean, I think that that's apropos. I really do not have anything to add or take away or edit. Thank you for your comment. Report an error in the passage at 39:11 Highlight the passage at 39:11

39:29 First, I wanted to express very deep gratitude, and your talk was very moving, and I actually haven't heard a dharma talk quite like this. It was quite interactive and grounding, so thank you for that. I also wanted to, I work with kids, I'm a child therapist, and I wanted to acknowledge your deep compassion for the closed fist. Report an error in the passage at 39:29 Highlight the passage at 39:29

39:58 And how accepting and how important that feels in order to heal. Not trying to force change and to be better. And it's another way of ranking and judging and pushing ourselves to be all better. When sometimes what we need is to be very gentle and compassionate with that closed. I think these comments are just beautiful as they are. Report an error in the passage at 39:58 Highlight the passage at 39:58

40:49 I'm really touched that you appreciated it in that way. And I am sometimes atypical. Normally I'm like blowing bubbles up. here too, so we kept them away today, but thank you and well said. Report an error in the passage at 40:49 Highlight the passage at 40:49

41:11 Thank Report an error in the passage at 41:11 Highlight the passage at 41:11

41:17 you, Eli Tonto. My question is about that closed fist. I think you mentioned that we can't live our lives without ever closing our hands. Sometimes we have to. And in the first activity, when we were closing the fists, I felt this sense of strength or power, or it reminded me of some movement poses I've done with closed fists. Report an error in the passage at 41:17 Highlight the passage at 41:17

41:48 So it made me think about boundaries or being more forceful in a particular way. And what's the difference between having that closed fist Report an error in the passage at 41:48 Highlight the passage at 41:48

42:07 Intentionally, and then maybe when that fist needs to open, but it's actually fear keeping the fist closed. Report an error in the passage at 42:07 Highlight the passage at 42:07

42:18 Thank you for your question, Lina. Report an error in the passage at 42:18 Highlight the passage at 42:18

42:23 So yeah, I think you've added a whole other depth to where the talk could go. I think my intention with the fist or fascination with the fist, you could say, is that I just feel in so many ways, yeah, a lot of us are over-clenched. Closed. Report an error in the passage at 42:23 Highlight the passage at 42:23

42:41 This question you raise about how to know appropriately when or when not to close it, I think that that's what we're in relationship with the moment for or the intent. is to see what's there, notice what we're holding, and try to be able to move the fingers appropriately. And of course, I think that's what we're trying to end up at practice or with practice. But you're right. Strength, protection, a closed fist is absolutely needed. Report an error in the passage at 42:41 Highlight the passage at 42:41

43:35 And there's not a... Again, the emphasis in David Treleaven's exercise is that the fist has every right to be closed. It's done that out of a beautiful need or response. It's just sometimes we become closed off. We lose the ability to open this hand more regularly or it may close preemptively. when we are trying to extend it and it makes it very hard to give or to receive. Report an error in the passage at 43:35 Highlight the passage at 43:35

44:11 So, you know, this engagement that we have with fear, it is going to be a personal endeavor. Report an error in the passage at 44:11 Highlight the passage at 44:11

44:23 You know, we Report an error in the passage at 44:23 Highlight the passage at 44:23

44:29 do have this kind of teaching around no hindrance, no fear. And so part of it is getting really comfortable here. Report an error in the passage at 44:29 Highlight the passage at 44:29

45:13 for your talk. I particularly liked the part where you used the analogy of the closed fist maybe to represent the support. one might give to a loved one to sort of cut that fist and to provide that base of support I was wondering, what do you do, what can you do, if their closed fist doesn't open? Thank you for the question. Again, I feel that it's very situation-depending. Report an error in the passage at 45:13 Highlight the passage at 45:13

45:51 My daughter's fist is closed and we're 30 minutes late for school. The approach might be a little bit different. I don't know. Sorry, that's the pool of examples I have to pull from. When I'm sitting with a friend that's grieving because they just lost a loved one, I don't need their fist to do anything. Report an error in the passage at 45:51 Highlight the passage at 45:51

46:13 My job is to just simply be with them, acknowledge what they're going through, hold them with sincere presence. So it's, I mean, there's a... There's a whole range, but I think that a Report an error in the passage at 46:13 Highlight the passage at 46:13

46:35 lot of times we can err on the side of just being with someone. We don't realize how just amazingly, incredibly powerful that is, just to witness someone. Even if we have that thing, oh, what if you just did, oh. We like to twist knobs and edit, and there may be a time for that, but usually, or at least first step for me, is just to simply be with a person. Report an error in the passage at 46:35 Highlight the passage at 46:35

47:02 Hope that helps. Report an error in the passage at 47:02 Highlight the passage at 47:02

47:15 Thank you, Dantosan. I did not know about Mary's passing, so that's news to me. And just speaking of masterful fist management, Mary Mosin. Report an error in the passage at 47:15 Highlight the passage at 47:15

47:31 In early practice at Berkley Zen Center, she taught me a lot about anger, and she had a great... I just realized my first memory that came back to me about Mary. is relevant to today's talk. She was at Berkeley Zen Center, and she had done something. She had forgotten something, and it had the potential to really put Mel, the abbot there, at a disadvantage. Report an error in the passage at 47:31 Highlight the passage at 47:31

47:59 And I was the one who alerted her to that, you know. And she could have gone into one direction, but she said, oh, hell, and opened her body like that, you know. So you can see that what was once, oh, hell, she knew how to accept and love and make it part of herself that was even more Mary. Oh, hell. I'll remember that forever. Thank you for bringing that up, and thank you for your talk today. Thank you for raising that, Kika. Report an error in the passage at 47:59 Highlight the passage at 47:59

48:33 And if any of you have a chance, you can go onto our website, put her name in the search bar. You'll get exactly what Kika was saying. She really... It was a rare one. Report an error in the passage at 48:33 Highlight the passage at 48:33

48:52 Thank you so much. It's the first time I've visited this wonderful center. It's really beautiful to be here and see everyone dedicated on this path. Just a response to how we can be there for other people. And believe me, I've tried opening the fist. And for sure that doesn't work. Report an error in the passage at 48:52 Highlight the passage at 48:52

49:17 I've learned that the best way to be there is to find yourself. And in finding yourself, you get to be the change you want to see in the world. Report an error in the passage at 49:17 Highlight the passage at 49:17

49:30 And that's actually quite difficult because the desire to make other people change is very strong. It's almost selfish, I suppose, but I've learned that I take away their learning. And their process by trying to enforce that change. And it doesn't work anyway. So I've learned to just work on myself and show the way and be the light. Report an error in the passage at 49:30 Highlight the passage at 49:30

50:10 I just wanted to share that. What's your name? Dina. Dina, welcome to Green Gods. Make sure that you walk out. Too many people just come from the parking lot to the zendo and then back to the parking lot. Yeah, please enjoy this wonderful land. And thank you. Yeah, thank you for raising that point. Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 50:10 Highlight the passage at 50:10

50:38 It really reminds me, too, in this practice, you know, that's kind of the emphasis is to, you can consider these palms that we're just sitting on and allowing people to... Come into touch with their own heart and their own practice. You can't just tell somebody what to do. Another big thanks to my teacher, former Abbot Ed. Report an error in the passage at 50:38 Highlight the passage at 50:38

51:06 I felt like he's held me in that way, even though it's hard sometimes. Report an error in the passage at 51:06 Highlight the passage at 51:06

51:15 I'm appreciating how much effort it takes to keep the fists closed. Report an error in the passage at 51:15 Highlight the passage at 51:15

51:26 Do we have any online? Okay, I just don't want to ignore. Report an error in the passage at 51:26 Highlight the passage at 51:26

51:33 This is from Jane from our online saṅgha. Jane asks, how do we feel safe in a country that is unraveling towards more fascism? It's important to feel psychologically safe in our environment, but not possible to take over from political power. I don't want to pretend or be in denial. Perhaps move to a different country is important. Report an error in the passage at 51:33 Highlight the passage at 51:33

52:03 Thank you for that question. I do not have good, sound, non -vulgar words to speak about politics, but just returning to the content of the talk, before we do anything, just to, as we say in Zen, wholeheartedly sit and just be with Report an error in the passage at 52:03 Highlight the passage at 52:03

53:07 imaginably painful and hard kind of this many situations are. If we go back to the exercise of sourcing the beginning of the universe and this through line, this continuum that we awaken on, rise and fall, I don't know how to answer the particulars of our political state. Report an error in the passage at 53:07 Highlight the passage at 53:07

53:40 But to trust that our heart, our body, and even that that is going on is a part of the same collective universe. And from there, you have to take your own personal action. You can revolt, you can move, you can protest, you can run for office, but let it come from that grounded place first. Report an error in the passage at 53:40 Highlight the passage at 53:40

54:14 Sorry I don't have a better answer. I've been looking for one too. I'll circle back if I come up with something. Report an error in the passage at 54:14 Highlight the passage at 54:14

54:31 This is more of an expression of gratitude from Lori Thomas. Mostly wanted to thank Eli for helping me see how tightly my fist has been closed and that I have been trying to pry my fist open instead of supporting it with the other hand. She says thank you. Report an error in the passage at 54:31 Highlight the passage at 54:31

54:50 Deep bows to you, Lori. Sending you a high five through the screen. She's laughing at that too, I know. Trust yourself, Lori. You have so much more wisdom than I think you know. Keep wiggling your fingers and hopefully we can do one of those next time I see you. Report an error in the passage at 54:50 Highlight the passage at 54:50

55:17 One more. My daughter's like, when are you going to be back? She has this thing. So, I'm going to. Be back after this question. Report an error in the passage at 55:17 Highlight the passage at 55:17

55:29 What do you mean by compassion? It seems to me it could be an action or a thought or a feeling. I don't believe I can feel somebody else or what they're feeling, and I suspect it's not an action. I can project what they're feeling, and that's a thought. Report an error in the passage at 55:29 Highlight the passage at 55:29

55:51 I think compassion is inherent. It's also something that we can, on an individual level, Cultivate. There's teachings that this whole being is compassion, meaning you too. But it can, I think, be hard to touch into and to recognize. I think what's helped me is just becoming intimately aware of how I respond to things I actually care about and then growing that circle, growing that circle. Report an error in the passage at 55:51 Highlight the passage at 55:51

56:36 Noticing where I have points of contraction or restriction breathing into them, that's an act of compassion. And so I think Report an error in the passage at 56:36 Highlight the passage at 56:36

56:55 practices of giving, even if they feel foreign at first, can also help cultivate that energy. Report an error in the passage at 56:55 Highlight the passage at 56:55

57:10 Let's start with a deep out-breath. That's Report an error in the passage at 57:10 Highlight the passage at 57:10

57:20 what I've got for you for right now. Report an error in the passage at 57:20 Highlight the passage at 57:20

57:28 I think Cam's going to let you ask one more question. Again, appreciate it. You were talking about that sense of belonging, and as someone who's, I've lived a rather unconventional life, and I travel a lot, and I don't have the same grounding and rooting that most... Report an error in the passage at 57:28 Highlight the passage at 57:28

57:49 So Report an error in the passage at 57:49 Highlight the passage at 57:49

58:17 Thank you for the question. I'm a tantal now, so I guess sitting. Actually recognizing in a somewhat practice-based routine ritual way that I am here. I am made of the same elements that surround me. Report an error in the passage at 58:17 Highlight the passage at 58:17

58:56 Feeling the ground, feeling the earth's elements that are always here supporting you. What I like to do when I travel is set up an altar wherever I am. So I have this little, I got a new little stone, little Buddha that's about that big. A student gifted me. I have a little mini vase. It's about that big. What I like to do is wherever I'm at, go out and just collect some foliage somewhere and place it in there. Report an error in the passage at 58:56 Highlight the passage at 58:56

59:30 And so it's a good way to just ground myself in the day. If you have yoga practices, any kind of body practices, again, because usually when we feel connected to our body and our emotional state, We kind of are able to vibe with wherever we're at. Besides that, as I said in the beginning here, some of my expressions, sort of be as kind as silence is the sound. Report an error in the passage at 59:30 Highlight the passage at 59:30

1:00:07 Basing yourself in something that allows you to feel more connected or to more curious to the world, if appropriate. Find something that kind of elicits a strong connection or bonding, like smile. That usually is a good way in most places, offering an attitude of friendliness. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:07 Highlight the passage at 1:00:07

1:00:33 And then when we don't feel a sense of belonging, give yourself a hug. Like this really works somatically with both arms. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:33 Highlight the passage at 1:00:33

1:00:43 Long exhales. That seems to be an answer. Phone a friend. Those are just a few of the things. But yeah, if anybody else has any tips, she'll be standing right outside the door there. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:43 Highlight the passage at 1:00:43

1:00:59 And I'll be over there later for tea after I go get the young one. But thank you all for coming. Please take a walk. We have tea in Cookie City, right? Okay. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:59 Highlight the passage at 1:00:59

1:01:32 For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Give. May we fully enjoy the Dharma. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:32 Highlight the passage at 1:01:32