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- 0:58
notice the feeling, butterflies in your stomach. Yeah, that's another one. Self-consciousness.
- 3:49
Well, you can be aware of what you're, you know, what you're feeling. And this is where, like, faith also, talking about faith. Like last week's talk was about faith because this is where the only way that I could deal with self-consciousness was to trust in what I call Buddha Dhamma Saṅgha. And where it's not, you know, if it's coming from me as a person and worrying about what people think and whether I look all right or whether people like what I say or don't agree or...
- 5:05
Which is a realm of suffering. When my personality comes forth, my ego starts operating, then life becomes very much more difficult. And it's taken, you know, even though I've had insights into this, you know, 30 years ago, it's an ongoing process, you know, of practice dealing with this.
- 7:51
I think it, I mean, like, a sense of a self is like to have, Self-respect and if you have a positive sense of yourself, it's very helpful and not as much suffering. Where a very critical sense of yourself is very painful. And so people, like we're encouraged even before meditation, like in the Theravāda tradition.
- 26:01
So consciousness is functional and it's natural to this state that we're in a conscious form. And so in terms of meditation, insight practices and that, you're observing that so that then you're... You're breaking down, you're letting go of those highly fraught ways of thinking and reacting, resolving them, letting them into consciousness so that they are what they are, and then through allowing them and accepting them as conscious experience, then they naturally cease. Their nature is to cease. They're impermanent.
Transcript
0:01 So if you have any questions or you want me to talk about something, please, this is the time. You Report an error in the passage at 0:01
0:18 can tell a few jokes so your baby will laugh. Report an error in the passage at 0:18
· · · silence, 1 minute
0:50 If you have any fear about asking questions, just Report an error in the passage at 0:50
0:58 notice the feeling, butterflies in your stomach. Report an error in the passage at 0:58
1:11 Yeah, that's another one. Self-consciousness. Report an error in the passage at 1:11
1:22 Like when I've had... a long struggle with that one, self-consciously. Report an error in the passage at 1:22
1:54 sense of As a person, and having to be the focus, you don't know what all you people are thinking. You can imagine. I remember I gave this talk up in University of Lancaster one time, and this man was sitting right here in this seat in the lecture hall. And I could not avoid looking at this man. Everything I said, he'd give these terrible looks. Report an error in the passage at 1:54
2:31 I say something and he'd go... Report an error in the passage at 2:31
2:37 Then he'd give me these terrible, you know, like, God, you're stupid looks and... It Report an error in the passage at 2:37
2:56 was a big challenge to get through that one. And because I couldn't, you know, because he was so... And I'm sure it was very deliberate because he's in most obvious place. I could not miss him. Just watching. My mind, how distracted I could get, you know, because whenever I said anything, there'd be this kind of averse reaction from this one man. Report an error in the passage at 2:56
3:27 And that's what you don't want, you know. You like people that either look inscrutable or approving. Report an error in the passage at 3:27
3:49 Well, you can be aware of what you're, you know, what you're feeling. And this is where, like, faith also, talking about faith. Report an error in the passage at 3:49
4:06 Like last week's talk was about faith because this is where the only way that I could deal with self-consciousness was to trust in what I call Buddha Dhamma Saṅgha. And where it's not, you know, if it's coming from me as a person and worrying about what people think and whether I look all right or whether people like what I say or don't agree or... Report an error in the passage at 4:06
4:34 Whether I'm upsetting people or putting them to sleep or whatever, the faith in my intention and in what I'm doing is a refuge rather than in wanting to get people's approval or not look foolish or wanting people to understand or appreciate what I'm doing. Then it gets into the personal realm again. Which is a realm of suffering. When my personality comes forth, my ego starts operating, then life becomes very much more difficult. Report an error in the passage at 4:34
5:18 And it's taken, you know, even though I've had insights into this, you know, 30 years ago, it's an ongoing process, you know, of practice dealing with this. Report an error in the passage at 5:18
5:35 I am in a position where most of the time I'm the focus of everyone's attention. And so it's very extreme in terms of my life experience. Report an error in the passage at 5:35
5:53 But because of that extremity, also it means that I could use it. It was common enough. It happens every day. So it's something I could work with as daily experience. Report an error in the passage at 5:53
6:11 Because as a person, we're all very vulnerable, aren't we? We can be hurt. If somebody says something insulting or in a nasty tone of voice or give us a dirty look, I mean, you know, it's so kind of sensitive on that level that Report an error in the passage at 6:11
6:35 just how somebody looks at you, you can really feel it. Report an error in the passage at 6:35
6:44 And when it's... taken very personally, then life is a very difficult, it gets very complicated because everything tends to be taken in a highly personal way. Report an error in the passage at 6:44
7:01 Like I remember feeling upset because somebody looked at me in a very disturbing way. I found out later that it was because they were upset about something that didn't have anything to do with me. Report an error in the passage at 7:01
7:20 But because I actually came across them when they had that look and the interpretation was they, you know, I've upset them or they're angry with me. Further investigation, but it had nothing to do with me. I just happened to be there when they had that look. Report an error in the passage at 7:20
7:45 Yes? Report an error in the passage at 7:45
7:51 I think it, I mean, like, a sense of a self is like to have, Self-respect and if you have a positive sense of yourself, it's very helpful and not as much suffering. Where a very critical sense of yourself is very painful. And so people, like we're encouraged even before meditation, like in the Theravāda tradition. Report an error in the passage at 7:51
8:29 You're encouraged to do good things, to keep moral precepts, to develop mettā practice, to be kind and good and honest and so forth. And to dwell on your own goodness, to really bring into your consciousness the goodness of your life is encouraged as a person. Report an error in the passage at 8:29
8:59 That gives you a sense of self-respect and you're looking at, you know, beginning to appreciate the good things of your life, your own goodness. Where I know with so many of us, even though we're basically quite good, we oftentimes dwell on our weaknesses or faults and get obsessed with that. Report an error in the passage at 8:59
9:30 So, you know, you meet people who are really, really very good and you think they're wonderful people and then you talk to them and they're obsessed with the fact that they have some kind of, they feel angry now and then or they have some kind of strange habits or whatever. They will, you know, they really become obsessed with the flaw, with the thing that isn't right. Report an error in the passage at 9:30
9:59 And it completely dismisses what is good, what is right about themselves. So here in England, it's very common to people to really be self-disparaging. You know, very good people who will, when you talk to them, will be very self-disparaging because they're obsessed with something they don't like about themselves. Report an error in the passage at 9:59
10:26 So it's very, say in Thailand, The culture is more positive in its attitude towards the ego. So it's generally, they're not so self-critical, say, as people tend to be here. Report an error in the passage at 10:26
10:50 And you talk to people like the Dalai Lama or Tibetans, and they don't seem to be all that self-critical. Report an error in the passage at 10:50
11:08 But we certainly are. I Report an error in the passage at 11:08
11:16 think it's culture, yes. Report an error in the passage at 11:16
11:21 I'm probably Protestant some more. Report an error in the passage at 11:21
11:30 And also like, I mean, one of my insights living in Asia was that I felt somehow very much at home living in Asia, even though I was an obvious foreigner, you know, racially different, much bigger than the rest. Report an error in the passage at 11:30
11:54 And yet the strange thing was I felt at home there. And I used to wonder about that because I used to think, well, maybe I was a tie in a previous life or something like that. But then I became aware of how I was brought up with the idea that my worth depended on something. Report an error in the passage at 11:54
12:24 Just the fact that I existed wasn't good enough. I had to prove that I was worthy all the time. I'm from that kind of a family where you're always, just because you happen to be here doesn't mean you have any right to be here. You have to have these qualifications, you know. And so I have to feel that I'm worthy to exist. Report an error in the passage at 12:24
12:49 And in Asia you don't have that. They don't feel that way. And they tend to... This fact that you're here means you have a right to be here. It's not that you have to prove. And in India, this was very strong, where, say, in meeting... In 1974, when I walked in India as an Oms Mendicant, and you'd come across beggars and lepers and people like this that... Report an error in the passage at 12:49
13:22 They were quite repulsive and, you know, which were, you know, quite repulsive to be around in terms of how they look. But when you got to know them, they seemed to have a kind of natural confidence that was surprising to me because my idea of being a beggar, a leper, would mean that I had no right to exist. Report an error in the passage at 13:22
13:51 I should hide away. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't subject you to the sight of this hideousness and this humiliation of being a beggar because that means you're at the bottom. You're absolutely of no value and you have no credentials to justify your existence. But in India I always felt that they never didn't feel like that, that they felt even though they were... Report an error in the passage at 13:51
14:20 Poverty-stricken beggars or lepers, they still had a right to exist. They never unquestioned right. And somehow when I really saw that, I realized why I did feel at home and at ease living in Asia. Because even as a clumsy foreigner, I still had a right to exist. There's no question of me having no rights. Report an error in the passage at 14:20
14:49 And it's like a subtle point that you pick up in a culture, a basic attitude, I think. And in like the Hindu or the Buddhist world, it's kind of this, there's no question on that level. But in the, say, in the monotheistic religions, and I think very much it is, or in Protestantism especially, this attitude of you have to prove. Report an error in the passage at 14:49
15:19 Your worth depends on who you are, what you've done. Report an error in the passage at 15:19
15:43 It's not all just dependent on this one. You've got another chance. Report an error in the passage at 15:43
15:53 Well, those things do affect your basic attitude towards life. Report an error in the passage at 15:53
16:00 Like I was brought up as Christian, but then the idea of just one life and that's it. Then somehow when I was a... Before I became a Buddhist, I got into this mode of, well, it doesn't really matter, you know, because it's all, I've got this one life, so I'll just kind of go out and have a good time. It doesn't matter. And I no longer believed in heaven or hell. I thought once, you know, you've got this, and then when you're dead, you're dead. Report an error in the passage at 16:00
16:33 That's it. Nothing left. So you might as well, might make a problem. Just go out and enjoy. But that didn't work either. Report an error in the passage at 16:33
16:45 Well, Report an error in the passage at 16:45
16:51 I found out that it wasn't that easy. You know, the things that I thought were that I could enjoy weren't that enjoyable or that something in me couldn't, you know, I had too many ideas of what was freedom and pleasure and they're all quite disappointing when you kind of had them and then there's something missing, something. Report an error in the passage at 16:51
17:18 Some quality that wasn't there. Report an error in the passage at 17:18
17:36 Well, that alone, just being able to allow that fear to be conscious and accept it. Like, what if I, maybe I'll never recover. And just try to not think about it, but to just feel it more in an accepting way. So your attitude changes rather than trying to convince yourself that you will recover or that you'll never recover. Report an error in the passage at 17:36
18:05 Because that's a, you know, that's a, when I found like with the illness or with pain of any sort, anything unpleasant, there's always this fear that it's always going to stay, that you'll never, it'll never go away. And so I would, because of that, I started developing an embracing attitude towards that fear itself. Report an error in the passage at 18:05
18:36 It's all right if it's forever, you know. And that's more or less relaxing with it rather than trying to convince myself that it will or be caught in the depressing state of mind with that anxiety that it'll always be here and never change. Report an error in the passage at 18:36
19:07 Right, it gets complicated. Report an error in the passage at 19:07
19:16 We get very complicated because we, like with anger, something like that. I used to be frightened of my anger. Report an error in the passage at 19:16
19:36 I'd avoid situations that would make me angry because I was frightened of getting angry. no, because... Report an error in the passage at 19:36
19:45 And so you get confused. You think anger is the problem, but actually it was fear of the anger. Report an error in the passage at 19:45
20:02 Also, like we were talking the other day, some of the monks, and we were talking about anger in our, you know, as we're brought up in different, so many, we're from different backgrounds, cultural backgrounds, different generations. So that the, like I was saying, well, my background was that we were never, ...allowed to express anger in the family. We're using this word dysfunctional, which is a pop word, psychobabble from California. Report an error in the passage at 20:02
20:40 I think it's quite a good word because it describes what I can recognize as in my own family a kind of... Report an error in the passage at 20:40
20:56 On willingness to admit that you're angry and how there's no way you can express anger without being highly disapproved of and feeling rejected. So the anger gets pushed down and then it kind of builds up into an explosion. And that's why I was so frightened of it because it... Report an error in the passage at 20:56
21:45 absolutely blown away by it. Report an error in the passage at 21:45
21:50 this so You know, contemplating this fear, and this comes from, you know, from early, from a whole family attitude that was there from the beginning. And then I found wanting to live alone was one of the answers to this, because if I, my chances of expressing anger to others would be minimized if I lived much more alone and not with others. Report an error in the passage at 21:50
22:22 And then in a community life, Report an error in the passage at 22:22
22:27 know, it really pushes every button you can possibly have as a human being. And anger is certainly a common enough feeling in this life, in community. And then because of that, and because of the attitude of the community, then you're willing to use that Report an error in the passage at 22:27
22:55 And that I'm very grateful for in community life, having that, because that was quite a strong problem, strong conditioning, because it was from early childhood. Report an error in the passage at 22:55
23:12 And then as the fear of anger saw through that, then the actual experience of anger I felt quite manageable once I understood it and could accept it. And then it wasn't something that I... It was frightening to me. Report an error in the passage at 23:12
23:38 It's like consciousness, vijnana in the Pāli word, vijnana. And it's a conscious experience is what we're having now. And I see this bringing in, allowing things to be fully conscious. And in psychology, I think they're aware of this more and more, of how, you know, of allowing things. Report an error in the passage at 23:38
24:18 Because consciousness is a function in nature. It's not personal, it? It operates right from the beginning, when you're born, it doesn't have the personal quality where we... When you get into the other things, feeling and sannyā, into perception, then everything turns into a personal thing, you know, so you start, you know, like if you hold this up, this is, you know, if it's just conscious, then you're visually aware of it. Report an error in the passage at 24:18
25:03 It's in consciousness. Report an error in the passage at 25:03
25:15 Then I could say, this is mine, you know, it's my, My koala bear. But actually, you know, if I identify this is mine, then if somebody takes it or, you know, it's associated with a sense of myself as an ego. But actually the function of consciousness is operating. And the sense of self arises in the consciousness then. You know, that sense of this is mine. Report an error in the passage at 25:15
25:23 there. Report an error in the passage at 25:23
25:51 And that's where the problems are, not in the thing itself or in consciousness, but in this identity and attachment to it, his mind. So consciousness is functional and it's natural to this state that we're in a conscious form. And so in terms of meditation, insight practices and that, you're observing that so that then you're... Report an error in the passage at 25:51
26:21 You're breaking down, you're letting go of those highly fraught ways of thinking and reacting, resolving them, letting them into consciousness so that they are what they are, and then through allowing them and accepting them as conscious experience, then they naturally cease. Their nature is to cease. They're impermanent. Report an error in the passage at 26:21
26:49 And that way you're not, you know, it's not me trying to get rid of them as a personality anymore. Not my problem and that I have to resolve by getting rid of, but it's merely letting the natural process happen. So meditation is also seen more as a relaxed state of awareness and a receptive state and a trusting state. Report an error in the passage at 26:49
27:20 I can think of, don't be self-conscious, you know, it doesn't matter what people think. You know, it's their problem, just... What they think is their business, why make it your business? Be rational about it. Figure it all out, you know, and then still feel incredibly self-conscious. Report an error in the passage at 27:20
28:02 Because even though, you know, it is your business, what you think is your business, you know, it's all true, but the actual experience is an emotional one, not a rational one. A rational level is no problem, but on the emotional level is where you... You know, this sense of yourself and this anxiety or this nervous tension you create around what others might be thinking or thinking of you is not from the rational mind but from the emotional habit and the strong sense of I am this person as Report an error in the passage at 28:02
28:45 a kind of unchallenged, ongoing, unchanging reality. How many of you really see yourself, you know, when you think of yourself as a person, you think of yourself as a person, as a kind of permanent person, don't you? Like I'm Ajahn Sumedho. When I'm asleep, I'm still Ajahn Sumedho. And because then we come here and you say, where's Ajahn Sumedho? Report an error in the passage at 28:45
29:15 And Shraddha says, he's asleep. You say, Ajahn Sumedho's asleep. Report an error in the passage at 29:15
29:23 I mean, that's the conventional reality. But in terms of experience, In the present, you know, Ajahn Sumedho comes and goes, you know, according to conditions. When you really look at it, you know, so when I'm asleep, actually there's no Ajahn Sumedho unless I'm dreaming about myself in Report an error in the passage at 29:23
29:52 terms of experience or in daily life. You know, I don't go around thinking I'm Ajahn Sumedho all the time. That thought does occur occasionally. Report an error in the passage at 29:52
30:06 I do have other thoughts. Report an error in the passage at 30:06
30:22 Yeah, in your, you know, there's emptiness, there's, you know, like I can see with, through mindfulness, there's the natural state of the mind, you know, the state when there's this awareness and there's consciousness and there might be feeling, you know, like you might be aware of a mood, but that awareness is not personal. Report an error in the passage at 30:22
30:47 And then the sense of myself as a person comes up into that. Like somebody, you know, me as a personality, as a monk or as whatever, you know, the American monk. That sense of being American monk comes in. But I don't go around, I'm not permanently American or permanently monk. In terms of experience. Report an error in the passage at 30:47
31:19 But those are my karmic experiences. Report an error in the passage at 31:19
31:28 Contemplate it. Because it's a pure, this state of awareness is, as I said, it's universal. It's not ethnic. It's not racial. It's not male or female. It's pure intelligence in the present. It's this direct knowing things as they are. Report an error in the passage at 31:28
31:53 But then it, like if I operate, let's say we're talking about, I have to prove that I'm worthy, then this is... This makes one very self-conscious. I come in here and I've got to impress you in some way. I've got to prove that I'm worthy for you to come here to Amaravati and listen to me. Report an error in the passage at 31:53
32:18 So I've got this sense of I'm here and my worth is whether... What if you all suddenly got up and walked out and said, you're worthless. Report an error in the passage at 32:18
32:32 And the ego would be... It would be, you know, then you really feel hurt because everybody, one of your greatest fears was proved, was just proven that you're worthless. Report an error in the passage at 32:32
32:47 It's one of your fears. You might be absolutely worthless. And then everybody says you're worthless and your greatest fear has been proven. Report an error in the passage at 32:47
33:00 Or, you know, or you like to be praised. You're a very wonderful teacher. And all that, then I feel, well, my worth, you know, I'm worthy. I'm worthwhile because people say I'm good. They appreciate me and like me and want me. So the ego then is, you know, is like that. It's always dependent on praise and blame or success or failure. That's why looking at homeless people in the West. Report an error in the passage at 33:00
33:38 You know, they have, they have a kind of like, like homeless people have a, have an aura of being worthless. You know, tramps and, and people that, that the kind of the, even in these democratic societies, they, they have around them a kind of sense of their own worthlessness and that they're not worthy and not, and, you know, they're not as good as the rest. Report an error in the passage at 33:38
34:05 And they, they, they don't, you know, then. They expect to be treated badly or looked down on because they, in terms of Western values, they're failures. Report an error in the passage at 34:05
34:20 But in, like the beggars in India, some of them I met were, you know, that's what surprised me was they didn't have that feeling. And because their assumption, their basic assumption was different. Report an error in the passage at 34:20
34:42 And this is, even though they were looked down on in the society, they still, it was more or less accepted. They didn't have the same expectations. And they could accept their position, probably because of the idea of karma, of next life. Probably they did something bad in a previous life. They're paying it off in this one. That's one way of accepting it. But anyway, it... Report an error in the passage at 34:42
35:08 This is all dealing with the sense of myself. And then the liberation of suffering is breaking down, breaking through that whole basic delusion of a self that is assumed through the body, through the feelings, perceptions and mental formations. Report an error in the passage at 35:08
35:33 So then the actual conscious experience is Ajahn Sumedho is the vehicle that we're in and then we're using wisdom with consciousness in order to break free from the delusions that we hold to through the cultural conditioning, social conditioning, personality view. So Report an error in the passage at 35:33
36:04 when I say Ajahn Sumedho is a condition that arises and ceases in the mind. Report an error in the passage at 36:04
36:15 Rather than a solid person. So when you go away and then you think Ajahn Sumedho is living in Amaravati and you're thinking of me, it's a memory in your mind, it's a perception in your mind of a person. But it is a perception. That perception is not a person, but it has that quality of being. And then the awareness of that is, and the wisdom to see it for what it is, is the liberating oneself from just reinforcing these habits that we acquire when we're young. Report an error in the passage at 36:15
37:07 So like you can break out of that sense of I've got to prove myself, that I have to prove that I'm worthy all the time, even though that wasn't really conscious. For most of my life, it wasn't that I actually consciously thought I have to prove myself. That was a kind of underlying assumption that influenced how I reacted to life that made life quite unpleasant. Report an error in the passage at 37:07
37:39 So then in the meditation, because of the emphasis on mindfulness rather than on just changing positions, So instead of trying to prove, I'm just as good as the rest, I don't have to prove myself. I'm not, you know, one can react to that and say, I don't have to prove myself to you. So then I can be very rude and rebellious and not just to go against this feeling that I've got to prove myself. Report an error in the passage at 37:39
38:14 But that is just the reverse. I mean, the problem is still there until you really see that. Transcend the problem itself. See through that basic delusion of a permanent personality or self. Report an error in the passage at 38:14
38:41 Well, there's a sense of real kind of peacefulness and a sense of not being burdened by that kind of attitude. Attitude. Because. We live in a benevolent and intelligent universe. This is how I perceive it anyway. And these perceptions of a self are so, you know, they limit and they kind of distort experience all the time. Report an error in the passage at 38:41
39:25 So once the mind is liberated from that, then I experience a lot more joy. I understand the suffering of others much better, more patient with myself, with people in general, with the world that I live in. And I also have more faith in the dhamma. Report an error in the passage at 39:25
39:54 Because the fear oftentimes is that if I don't have a personality, I'll just be like a blank. If I don't have a self, then I'll just be nobody. Report an error in the passage at 39:54
40:19 Well, to me, that is seeing things as they are, like being able to live in the moment, really, to see and know things as they really are. Because the general interpretation of enlightenment tends to make it sound like a kind of fantastic experience. Report an error in the passage at 40:19
40:48 that transforms you into a kind of enlightened being forever. that's what the hope is. Once you get this enlightenment, then everything's But then if you really read the scriptures, you find out He was attacked, he was blamed, he was... Report an error in the passage at 40:48
41:21 disciples were ungrateful and cousin tried to kill him and he was attacked by a drunken Report an error in the passage at 41:21
41:34 happened to me yet. Report an error in the passage at 41:34
41:42 so, but then, you know, he had to, that's where it's... It's this kind of wish we have of having an experience in which we no longer have the problems of the world with us. You know, we kind of get out of everything. But in terms of Buddhist enlightenment, you don't get out of things, but you learn how to respond to life in an appropriate way. Report an error in the passage at 41:42
42:16 So the enlightenment isn't like getting out. of the whole problem of existence in the society and the people and the world and the countries that we live in. But it's being able to respond to the experiences in a suitable way and without creating suffering. And this is like I found in the reflections on the Four Noble Truths or the The dependent origination teaching, that helps a lot to clarify. The natural way things are, like getting old, is natural. Report an error in the passage at 42:16
43:00 That's not suffering in itself. That's not personal suffering. That's just normal the way things are. So the body gets old. So then you contemplate. Old age is natural to this state we're in. Then I can create suffering around old age if I want. I don't want to get old. I'm suffering. But if I recognize old age is like this, the body is getting old and one isn't creating a lot of problems around it, then you're not suffering from it, even though it can be unpleasant or painful or whatever. Report an error in the passage at 43:00
43:46 It also has its good side. There's a lot of good things. Like, know... Report an error in the passage at 43:46
43:54 mean, it has, you know, it's a mixed package. It has both and it has defects. Report an error in the passage at 43:54
44:04 in terms of the benefits or the defects, you aren't grasping it as an identity. Or sickness, for example. Sickness is natural. Report an error in the passage at 44:04
44:16 And one has to bear with the... The problems of the body getting ill, disease and so forth. So this is natural kind of experience to this realm. And then whether we create suffering around it. In the enlightened state, then you don't create suffering. Enlightened being can still get sick, but they don't create suffering around the sickness or the pain. Report an error in the passage at 44:16
44:52 And this is where the wisdom, this is wisdom actually, where you're observing just the way it is in this realm that we're in. And then once you observe and accept the way life is as experience, then you feel that you don't, you know, you're not taking it in a personal way anymore. You're seeing in terms of what it actually is, so you don't... Report an error in the passage at 44:52
45:22 Make demand, impossible demands, or have foolish wishes or dreads around what will happen because you feel quite willing to experience what one has to experience in this form to the death of the body. Report an error in the passage at 45:22
45:43 And then death is natural, normal experience. Loss of the loved, that's normal human experience that everyone has. We all have to experience loss. We all have to experience having to be with what we don't like. So in human life we all have experiences where we have to put up with things we don't like. Report an error in the passage at 45:43
46:11 People we don't like or situations we don't like. Or we all want things that we don't have. And so these are normal kind of human... experiences that we all have then then once you accept that as normal then Report an error in the passage at 46:11
46:36 you relate when it happens then you you you can observe yourself like like say grief for example when somebody you love dies then you can you know I when people the past month we've had so many deaths we've Report an error in the passage at 46:36
47:08 had it seems like every death going in the office and somebody said somebody died One day it was three people in one day. They were dropping like flies. We Report an error in the passage at 47:08
47:31 were chanting the funeral chants every night, getting tired of it. Chant something else. Report an error in the passage at 47:31
47:42 But say when somebody, you really feel it, the closer you are to somebody, the more special they are. And the... Report an error in the passage at 47:42
47:55 The more you love them, then you feel that much of a loss when they die. And so that's the way it is, you know, like when that sense of loss is a normal kind of human experience. But then if it's taken as, you know, I shouldn't feel loss. You know, if I was really mindful, I wouldn't feel anything. Or if I... Report an error in the passage at 47:55
48:22 You know, this idea that once you're enlightened, you know, somebody, your mother dies and you don't feel anything or you feel no grief. But don't think like that. You still feel these things, but your relationship to them is different. It's not bound into the personal anymore, but the experience is then really accepted, like grief is really felt and really accepted. Report an error in the passage at 48:22
48:49 So then you can let go of it. it, there's been no kind of resistance or ignorance around the experience. It is what it is. Report an error in the passage at 48:49
49:04 It's interesting, they had this, I didn't attend this conference, but a few years ago with the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, they filmed it, I made a video of it, of the Western teachers. Report an error in the passage at 49:04
49:17 Ajahn Amaral was attending this and one of the... There's this English bhikkhuni that's in the Tibetan school, and she's been a bhikkhuni for 30 years or so, a long time. And she was telling the Dalai Lama at this meeting about the terrible condition of Tibetan nuns. And she was describing how the terrible conditions they have to live with and how they're not... Report an error in the passage at 49:17
49:48 And she was going on quite in detail of the sad state of Tibetan nuns. And the Dalai Lama started crying. Report an error in the passage at 49:48
50:04 No, not, no, because of the Tibetans. Report an error in the passage at 50:04
50:14 So obviously, you know, that was very sad. So the Dalai Lama's response was crying when you hear something sad, you know. It's a natural response to hearing. About the unfairness, misery of a situation. So even someone like the Dalai Lama, you know, that's not the thing. Well, certainly if he were enlightened, he wouldn't cry. But how do you know? Isn't that a natural response to that kind of information? Report an error in the passage at 50:14
50:52 But it's not like, it's not caught in the sense of I'm crying or I shouldn't cry or... Men don't cry or feeling self-conscious about crying. He seemed quite at ease with crying in front of everybody. I mean, you know, to me that resonates more than if he, you know, she was just explaining it all and he just sat there without any response. Report an error in the passage at 50:52
51:27 Because what she was saying was sad, you know, the information he was giving was sad. Report an error in the passage at 51:27
51:34 Sadness. Report an error in the passage at 51:34
51:43 Yes? Report an error in the passage at 51:43
· · · silence, 1 minute
52:20 Yeah, I think, I mean, I Report an error in the passage at 52:20
52:27 find, you know, I mean, that's one reason why I became a monk, really, was to be, you know, to have the support of people who respected what you're interested in. Report an error in the passage at 52:27
52:40 Because it is, it is a spiritual path. You know, Report an error in the passage at 52:40
52:50 it's what many worldly people, you know, just have contempt for. Do not appreciate. So, you know, I used to, when I was in the university, I used to not tell anyone because I knew that their reactions would be, you know, to criticize or to make fun of it. Report an error in the passage at 52:50
53:15 But also, you know, like here, I mean, I find, like wherever I go, I'm with Buddhists. So I lived in England now 21 years. I met mostly Buddhists 21 years in this country. As far as my experience goes, it's a Buddhist country. And Report an error in the passage at 53:15
53:37 then I go to the States and I meet the Buddhists. And then I go to Thailand and I go to Switzerland or Italy or Australia. I'm with the Buddhists all the time. So it's like, you know, I always feel, you know, you don't have this feeling of being a foreigner. Report an error in the passage at 53:37
54:04 And you're meeting people that have a common interest at a level that's really important to me. So even though I travel a lot, I'm with other Buddhists. So it doesn't seem like you're kind of like a tourist or a foreigner going into these different countries because the ones you meet have that same interest. Report an error in the passage at 54:04
54:46 Now you have to take into account the... The situation you're in and you do the best you can with what you have because some Report an error in the passage at 54:46
55:00 people are in situations that they have to live with people that are actually very antipathetic to their spiritual aspiration and you can't just kind of turn your back on especially if you're married to them or they're your parents. Report an error in the passage at 55:00
55:24 It's like taking into account the situation you're in and doing the best, you know, using wisdom to do what you can with that, with your own character, you know, knowing your own limitations as a personality. Report an error in the passage at 55:24
· · · silence, 1 minute
56:41 That's a fairly common reaction. reaction Probably was an American. Report an error in the passage at 56:41
56:58 Because in the States, people, I mean, really nice people, when they get behind the wheel, they talk like that. Report an error in the passage at 56:58
57:11 Road rage. And people really get angry over little, you know. And also I think in modern society, this stress that seems to be increasing in modern life makes people... Well, Report an error in the passage at 57:11
57:58 it Report an error in the passage at 57:58
58:20 depends on just how, what you can... so little things will just suddenly trigger off, know, like the last straw. It's something, some little thing will just bring an overreaction. Maybe that was the last straw, you know. He'd been through a whole day of irritating experiences, and the last one was... Report an error in the passage at 58:20
· · · silence, 1 minute
58:24 I mean, your own character, really, if you can, you know, if you can trust yourself to be able to use a situation. But also sometimes we can be too influenced by others. And so then we have to get away from those influences. Otherwise one is too easily pulled into their way of doing things. And sometimes, you know, some people are quite independent or quite self-motivated, so they can, it doesn't really, you know, that's not a problem for them. Report an error in the passage at 58:24
59:03 When I was in graduate school in Berkeley, then I remember starting into this life of this kind of free, hedonistic, kind of bohemian lifestyle. And after two years of that, then I Report an error in the passage at 59:03
59:30 realized that I had to get out of that physically because if I stayed there, I felt I didn't, I was losing the ability to, I was getting, it was too easy for me to just go along with things and to just kind of go along with what everyone else was doing. I found my ability to resist. Report an error in the passage at 59:30
59:58 Falling away and getting kind of pulled into things I didn't really want to do anyway. So then I deliberately left. I joined the Peace Corps. They sent me off to Malaysia because of that, just to physically remove myself from a situation that I found quite tempting and easy. It was easy to just go along with it. And I could see that if I stayed there, I couldn't, I'd probably get, I mean, I would just drift and ride in that. So I felt a great need to get away and to start something new. Report an error in the passage at 59:58
1:00:43 That was my insight into that situation where Report an error in the passage at 1:00:43
1:00:51 other people, you know, might not find that a problem. You know, they have more, maybe they have more... More self-motivation, more ability to resist the pull of the group. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:51
1:01:13 Another reason was like becoming a monk and, say, going to a strict monastery, like Ajahn Chah's monastery. So then I could, because I knew I needed to learn how to be disciplined. How to obey, how to be under authority, how to serve somebody else because my whole life had been more living on my own terms. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:13
1:01:52 So I deliberately chose this Ajahn Chah's monastery because it was very strict with the discipline and I knew that that would be helpful to me to learn how to serve others, how to come from... Report an error in the passage at 1:01:52
1:02:22 resistance to hierarchy and authority. I could see that, that I felt totally frustrated and averse to hierarchical structures. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:22
1:02:35 I... And very insecure in them. So then I found living in the monastic system. Then I began to learn how to work within structure, within hierarchical structure, how to deal with authority and things like this. Because I could see that these were weaknesses in me, you know, inabilities to cope with. With experience, if it didn't fit the model that I was used to. So I could have, at that time in Thailand, I could have lived in a monastery that was much more comfortable. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:35
1:03:21 If I stayed in Bangkok or gone to some place where they would have given me a nicer place to live. Oftentimes they were quite willing to let me just kind of live in my own way. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:21
1:03:35 But I know I didn't want to do that because I really wanted to watch that, to get over this resistance and this arrogance, that kind of arrogant attitude that I had. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:35
1:03:55 But this is knowing yourself, you know, knowing how really, you know, beginning to really look where the weaknesses are, not to kind of identify with those weaknesses, but to be able to... To know where you lose it, where you're most heedless, where you're most hurt, where you're most lost. And then it gives you a sense of being able to find a way of healing that particular wound. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:55
1:04:38 Community life, for example. I'm basically hermetic. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:38
1:04:49 I like to be by myself. And solitude and all that I quite like. And I find living in community very difficult because it's going against a kind of natural tendency of mine to seek solitude, to go off alone. And I think Ajahn Chah saw that in me because Report an error in the passage at 1:04:49
1:05:28 When I went to him, I was always trying to go off alone, like get away from the main monastery, go to the little place where I could be alone. And he's always pulling me out of those places. And then he's the one that encouraged me to come here to England and establish the Wat Nanachat, the international monastery in Thailand. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:28
1:05:52 These are things that I have never wanted to do. do. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:52
1:05:59 And I was talking to another monk who's lived very much a hermetic life, and he is also a disciple of Ajahn Chah. So we were saying, I was saying, he was saying, why do you think Ajahn Chah let you become a hermit and forced me into this role, kind of leadership role? And I'm thinking, it's probably, you know, I feel Ajahn Chah could see that probably this is This is what I had to learn from. And I do. I mean, I'm grateful now because I can see that it was going against what was easy for me. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:59
1:06:41 To live this life, I had to keep expanding myself more and more to accommodate the situation. And that was good for me because my mind tended to want to move into solitude. And a kind of lack of responsibility, not having to be responsible or feel responsible for things, feeling that dread, that burden feeling of having to be responsible for a community, having to be a focus of attention for so many people, not wanting that and feeling burdened by it. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:41
1:07:27 Then I had this insight. Last year of this burden, I used to feel in the ordination, they say, there's one part in the ordination where they say, now I am your burden and you are my burden. And I always hated that line. That's in Pāli anyway. And so you can kind of ignore it. But when you translate it, they use the word burden. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:27
1:07:57 And so every time somebody ordains as a monk or another, you've got another burden now. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:57
1:08:07 And because the word burden is pejorative, isn't it? It's onerous, unpleasant. It gives that feeling of something unwanted. And so then I had this insight into really appreciating that line. Oh, another burden. Another burden. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:07
1:08:34 That would Report an error in the passage at 1:08:34
1:08:38 probably be better. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:38
1:08:43 Not such a negative word, care. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:43
1:08:51 But now the word burden is positive to me. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:51
1:08:58 It's changing, isn't it? Oh, not another burden. Oh, welcome, another burden. Much happier feeling. And it's not personal. You are my burden on a personal level. It's like welcoming into, like you say, caring and to taking an interest in somebody else in a good way, not for a personal reason, not out of some emotional need, but out of just the joyous goodness of this life. Appreciating that. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:58
1:09:56 Yes? Report an error in the passage at 1:09:56
1:10:16 Well, that's a part of the whole thing, the boredom. Because oftentimes, like with the Western world, we tend to give incredible importance to sitting meditation. So it's like that's where you're really doing the work, when you're sitting on a cushion, you know, meditating. That's where it's at. And outside of that, then, you know, it's not anywhere near as good. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:16
1:10:45 And in America they even, they talk about sitting, you know, as if it was, you know, kind of sacred, you know, sitting here and sitting there. They mean sitting meditation. So sitting has become synonymous for meditation almost, Western mind. But mindfulness isn't dependent upon sitting. And sati and panya, mindfulness, wisdom. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:45
1:11:14 It's in the four postures. You develop awareness around sitting, standing, walking, like the basic postures of daily life. And then we have walking meditation. So people develop mindfulness around walking meditation, a kind of technique. But then they don't, it doesn't mean they integrate that into the flow of their lives. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:14
1:11:37 They tend to think walking meditation is when I go out there and I do a certain thing called walking meditation. But the whole point is to develop a confidence in paying attention to the flow of life. So like even pay attention to the fact that it's boring or kind of welcome that sense of boredom or negative feeling or dreariness that you might be feeling and changing your attitude toward taking an interest in it rather than... Report an error in the passage at 1:11:37
1:12:17 Thinking that you're doing something wrong because you used to really enjoy this, now you're not. You can't sustain a level of enjoyment. That will change. But your attitude, you can sustain an attitude of attention and awareness around the sitting, standing, walking or lying down. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:17
1:12:46 And then you'll find that will integrate. Also into a more natural flowing experience of life. Because with mindfulness and wisdom, that applies to everything. That's an attitude that works for everything, whether you're working or driving a car or attending a meeting or whatever. Nothing obstructs that as you develop. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:46
1:13:18 As you trust yourself more, you can do that. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:18
1:13:30 Also, trusting yourself. Because of the ego and the personality and the tendency to be self-critical and self-disparaging, then we tend to not trust ourselves very much because we perceive ourselves always through, say, very negative attitudes. So we think we're not, we can't trust ourselves. We're thinking that trusting ourselves might be a kind of ego inflation. But actually, I mean, I don't see that. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:30
1:14:11 I think that the real problem with most of us here in the West is a lack of trust in ourselves. And so people do put forth a lot of effort into meditation. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:11
1:14:29 And they can go at it quite, you know, for long periods of time and put a lot of effort, but with an attitude that they've got to get something called enlightenment because they're basically kind of not good enough and you've got to, the way you are now, you're not good enough and you've got too many problems and that you've got to do this meditation in order to change and become someone who's enlightened in the future. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:29
1:14:59 And then that position also creates this sense of mistrust in yourself. So you oftentimes look for confirmation from outside, you know. Somebody tell me, where am I doing? Am I meditating all right? What stage have I reached? That kind of feeling. But what I encourage is trust not in the ego or the, you know, your emotional feelings, but in your intuition. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:59
1:15:35 ability to pay attention in the present. Trust that more and more. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:35
1:15:47 to with yourself, to stop just to change yourself and make yourself do something and criticize yourself. just trust and appreciate the fact that you are a human being that can pay attention right now, just even if it's for a second. Learn to be grateful even for just moments rather than... Report an error in the passage at 1:15:47
1:16:16 as long as you think you should be able to or would like to. It's more humbling. You're developing more humility through trusting in yourself. To just develop naturally in a more relaxed and pleasant way than through just willing yourself, forcing, making yourself do things, pushing yourself, and then hating yourself when you fail or feeling guilty when you don't sit as long as you think you should. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:16
1:17:05 don't know what you mean. These tapes by Ramon Panicar, the Catholic priest, and he was talking about Roman Catholics come to him and say, I'm a lapsed Catholic. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:05
1:17:18 And he said, oh, you're a lapsed Catholic. That means you cheat on your wife, you kill people, and you rob banks. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:18
1:17:45 Sometimes, you know, the spiritual path isn't, you know, kind of too precious or too... Report an error in the passage at 1:17:45
1:18:09 and everything is just too, you know, precious, too sacred, too, it's And that your life is caught into mundane, it's too mundane, too ordinary. And we see ourselves in terms of comparison with a spiritual ideal and how it should be. And then the realities of our life oftentimes we disparage and see as, you know, obstructions, not good enough. But in terms of reflection, you can see that feeling of... Report an error in the passage at 1:18:09
1:18:49 www.muslimcentral .com And I'm enlightened now. That's not it either. But that attitude based on itself can be witnessed to and seen as a mental object. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:49
1:19:32 And then because of that, then we can, we're more centered and relaxed into the present moment, which then your ability to see things as they are is at its best. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:32
1:19:56 Because oftentimes we think if we don't use willpower, we would just kind of sleep all day. That it's willpower, this driving force, this pushiness of the mind that we depend on to feel alive. But that gives you a sense of I'm really getting someplace, I'm a real go-getter. I'm, know. And that gives you, it supports the ego. But it also, the result of that is when you don't, when that energy stops, then you feel depressed. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:56
1:20:34 People that just depend on a lot of willpower to feel alive get depressed eventually. It's a kind of, it's pumped up energy. It's not natural. It's not being at ease with life. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:34
1:20:53 And so this is where mindfulness and right effort in the Eightfold Path isn't pumped up energy, but it's an attentiveness, a natural kind of sustainable attention to life that you'll find will be the way to realize truth. So Report an error in the passage at 1:20:53
1:21:32 I think that's enough for today. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:32
Related talks
Talk by Ajahn Sumedho. Original at Amaravati Buddhist Monastery via Internet Archive: https://archive.org/details/ajahn-sumedho-dhamma-talks. Licensed CC BY-NC-ND 4.0. Transcript generated automatically and may contain errors; the audio is the authoritative version.
Talks of Ajahn Sumedho, archived on Internet Archive. More from Amaravati