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- 6:57
You have this sense of how things should be. Ideals are how things should be if everything was perfect. And where the dhamma, when we talk about dhamma, we're talking about the way it is, not the way it should be. And so the kind of mental habits I developed were naturally ones of being critical because Nothing is ever what it should be. There's something wrong with it, including myself. I could never be as good, or I could never feel I was what I should be.
- 10:00
And to feel at ease with yourself, to be at ease with your body as the way it is, to be at ease with... Problem, you know, it's not where we see it as a person, like I shouldn't, I should have self-esteem, but I don't, as an ideal, you know, and that's the way it should be. Because if we're looking to ideals all the time, and we don't see what we're doing, we're grasping ideals, then we can only be critical of ourselves, because we're not ideals.
- 20:47
Where actually it means the awareness now. Realizing Nibbāna is awakening to the way it is and letting go, non-attachment. The reality of non-attachment. Yes, it's reality. It's not refined ability dependent on conditions supporting it.
- 35:06
The more you are aware of the suffering that you have through attachment, then you have the insight into letting go, relinquishing, until there's nothing left to relinquish. And then what's left, you know, it has to be realized. It's reality. It's not a created or compounded thought or image or thing at all. Now this is where thinking gives you the idea of it and maybe the inspiration and the direction. But then one gives up thinking to trusting in its awareness.
- 40:56
But an awareness, you know, I can, I begin to get to the root of what threatens me. Like, even if you're, if somebody is angry with me, is causing me suffering, would be one way of looking at it. But then if I look deeper, see that, it, that your anger is really your, you know, I can't, that's what...
Transcript
· · · silence, 1 minute
1:12 So if you take a seat, we have the time for questions, answers, discussion, whatever, quarreling, debate. Report an error in the passage at 1:12
1:33 Yes? Report an error in the passage at 1:33
2:00 Yeah, I can't remember it. Report an error in the passage at 2:00
2:14 Yeah. laughter laughter Report an error in the passage at 2:14
2:02 right. Report an error in the passage at 2:02
2:20 Yeah, I've forgotten about it. I think it was like, kind of seeing that what he Report an error in the passage at 2:20
2:34 was doing was, you know, his resistance and all kinds of mental states were caused through just not relaxing and fighting against things and creating, you know, creating tension. So, like giving permission to die, I think it kind of... Relieved him from feeling he had to kind of control or because so much is quite unconscious, this tension we create. Report an error in the passage at 2:34
3:07 And then I vaguely remember he was someone who had a great sense of carrying duties, responsibilities in a very tight way. And then I think just thinking, oh, I can die now, suddenly. Report an error in the passage at 3:07
3:27 Help them to let go. Report an error in the passage at 3:27
3:32 I mean, these are upayas, you know, skillful means that you, you know, they're more appropriate to individuals than general practices. Report an error in the passage at 3:32
3:48 And then somebody was asking, like, pursuing the self-esteem and the tendency to be self-critical. Report an error in the passage at 3:48
4:04 And I think this is very important to try to understand why are we so, you know, in the Western world, I've noticed this, having lived in Asia also for many years, and seeing how neurotic we are in the West. And when I use this word neurotic, I kind of put it in this place of a lack of acceptance. Report an error in the passage at 4:04
4:35 ...of ourselves as a part of nature. And this is, I'm just reflecting right now. Like, I mean, I was brought up in a, you know, the way I was brought up was I never considered myself belonging to nature. To me, the word nature meant you go out and commune with nature, you go out into the forest or look at a waterfall or the mountains. Report an error in the passage at 4:35
5:02 But to see this as a part of nature, was not part of my worldview till I became a Buddhist and I thought it was quite a surprise because in Thailand, for example, the word they use for nature is dhamma. So the word dhamma, when they translate that into English, oftentimes it comes out as nature, the natural law or the law of the dharma. Report an error in the passage at 5:02
5:34 In Thai, the same thing. And so, and nature in the West tends to be confined to external things, you know, like mountains and the sun and moon. But it's not taken inward, and there's this division, this sense of not being a part of this natural state, of being separate from it. And this I noticed in living in Thai monasteries. Report an error in the passage at 5:34
6:04 more sense of belonging in nature. They don't question that, their humanity, the human state they're in, the karma of being human and all this. They don't make it into a big problem. It's more or less recognized as a natural thing rather than as some personal defect. Report an error in the passage at 6:04
6:29 and they, from my own was We're brought up in a very idealistic society, like in the United States. It's very idealistic. It's based on very grand ideals. And so you're brought up with ideals. And then because of that, Report an error in the passage at 6:29
6:57 You have this sense of how things should be. Ideals are how things should be if everything was perfect. And where the dhamma, when we talk about dhamma, we're talking about the way it is, not the way it should be. And so the kind of mental habits I developed were naturally ones of being critical because Nothing is ever what it should be. There's something wrong with it, including myself. I could never be as good, or I could never feel I was what I should be. Report an error in the passage at 6:57
7:41 And because of that, then everything, my humanity was always judged in a negative way. I'm too weak. I get angry too easily. Report an error in the passage at 7:41
7:57 is a problem. I shouldn't feel, have these kind of feelings, or all that. Every natural emotion and energy was regarded in some critical way and in a very personal way. Report an error in the passage at 7:57
8:15 you know, like... Report an error in the passage at 8:15
8:29 or something. They consider this part of being human. know, so they, or jealousy or fear. This is part of being human. This is the way humans are. We have these emotions. Where in the idealistic... Society I grew up in was you shouldn't get angry. You shouldn't be jealous. You shouldn't have sexual thoughts. Report an error in the passage at 8:29
8:56 You should be good and honest and all these high ideals. You shouldn't have dirty thoughts. You shouldn't hate anybody. And it's all like this. So you end up feeling a guilt. Guilt is a... is the kind of the result of of this kind of thing that with this this this sense of oneself that there's something wrong that seems to hang around you know that everything becomes just your humanity makes you feel guilty about breathing the air sometimes about being hungry about being present and I've even felt guilty because I'm here And, you know, it gets into obsessiveness of self-centeredness. And so it's easy to get obsessed with yourself at the same time because it's just an endless kind of frustration. Report an error in the passage at 8:56
10:00 And to feel at ease with yourself, to be at ease with your body as the way it is, to be at ease with... Report an error in the passage at 10:00
10:43 Problem, you know, it's not where we see it as a person, like I shouldn't, I should have self-esteem, but I don't, as an ideal, you know, and that's the way it should be. Because if we're looking to ideals all the time, and we don't see what we're doing, we're grasping ideals, then we can only be critical of ourselves, because we're not ideals. Report an error in the passage at 10:43
11:13 This isn't ideal, but it is the way it is. So by beginning to trust, that's why I like trusting in your own, in this awareness of the way it is, is learning to trust intuitive awareness. Intuition is something we haven't recognized or appreciate. Report an error in the passage at 11:13
11:43 Where we appreciate ideals, you know, high-minded thoughts and grand visions and all the best that you can create with your mind through thought, we like that. That inspires and uplifts the mental state. But also the problem is grasping those ideals is that we always feel there's something wrong with me or something wrong with you or something wrong with the world. Report an error in the passage at 11:43
12:53 for self-esteem, conceit is... It's overestimation. Like, I know best and I'm better than you are or I'm an authority and I'm the expert on Buddhism and my life is, you know, I'm a very important person. These are conceived where I exaggerate the self-importance or see myself always as the kind of, you know, from a... Report an error in the passage at 12:53
13:28 You know, hold myself as somebody special. Where self-esteem is cooler, it's appreciation. You don't have to be the best or an authority or have any gifts at all in the worldly sense and still have self-esteem because you're at ease with yourself. And things like being generous or, you know, the goodness of the human heart, the ability to... Report an error in the passage at 13:28
13:56 To be sensitive to needs of others and to care about others and to, you know, these kind of things, when we reflect on them, they become conceited. If I think, well, I'm really a very caring person and I'm, you know, I'll tell you how you should be and how you should be. And then I become an authority. And then that's taking the sense of myself to, To an extreme. Report an error in the passage at 13:56
14:41 Well, this is where it's an intuitive ability more than a kind of division, a line that you can recognize. This is where you know yourself. And it's an open honesty rather than an overestimation or an underestimation. Like even, you know, I can feel I can feel Conceit and arrogance and then feel guilty about being arrogant. I mean, that's why we get so complicated. You know, I can have arrogant thoughts and then feel guilty about it. Report an error in the passage at 14:41
15:23 So I'm not only arrogant, but I'm guilty about being arrogant. And you get very confused. And that's what kind of neuroses is. Where sometimes, you know, just like an arrogant thought will go through my mind and But on an intuitive level, I can receive that without making it into a problem. I know it, I know what it is, so it's not something I'm going to grasp and operate from an arrogant viewpoint. Report an error in the passage at 15:23
15:56 But it doesn't mean I don't, I never have conceited thoughts, tendencies. Report an error in the passage at 15:56
16:04 But the more you trust in your intuition, in your awareness, then you're more, you know, you... and 6. Report an error in the passage at 16:04
16:12 It becomes very clear. I tend to be critical of myself on a personal level. So that was the tendency more than overestimation. It was always more tending to be critical. You're not good enough and you should be less this way and more that way or whatever. Report an error in the passage at 16:12
16:42 But then, like, arrogance comes up in surprising ways, because I had the arrogance of thinking that I wasn't arrogant. And then I noticed in, you know, living in the forest monastery in Thailand, you know, when you're realigning yourself, you're learning to live in a different way, in a different culture. Report an error in the passage at 16:42
17:14 And so then I found out that, you know, a culture has its own arrogance. Like being American, being brought up as an American, you imbibe the arrogance of that society. And I began to see that very much as it was reflected in living in a different country and different culture. Because if you're in the States, then it's never reflected as part of a whole kind of national... Report an error in the passage at 17:14
17:43 conditional conditioning process. Report an error in the passage at 17:43
18:12 So that's where it, and it's intelligent. It's not, it's not just, it's not an annihilation of anything. It's intelligent knowing, but it's not a conditioned knowing of something. You don't, like your education conditions you to interpret experience through certain ideas, concepts, perceptions, where intuition isn't conditioned, you know, you're beyond the The conditioning of your mind. Intuitive people sometimes have a difficult time explaining things because of the limitation of the language. Report an error in the passage at 18:12
18:54 Because it sounds, you know, the language, like we don't have a language to express intuitive understanding. Most of our language is around analysis and comparing. mind. when, then we Report an error in the passage at 18:54
19:10 comparing and rationalizing. Rationalizing. So conceit, actually, is one of the last fetters to drop away before you're an Arahant. Report an error in the passage at 19:10
19:39 No. Report an error in the passage at 19:39
19:47 Well, that's, you know, this is the beauty of the word. It's, you know, what you create, you know, around Nibbāna. You know, when you think about it, it becomes a very high word. ha ha Report an error in the passage at 19:47
· · · silence, 1 minute
20:02 Usually it's like it's the ultimate or the highest attainment. And language, you know, how thinking works, it's very linear and dualistic. So nibbāna becomes something way up there. So even in Buddhist countries, you find people talking about nibbāna as if it's so high that nobody can reach it. Because with the way your thought process works, isn't it? Report an error in the passage at 20:02
20:33 You know, it does that. When you think about Nibbāna, it becomes something very difficult, very refined, very high up. Where actually it means the awareness now. Realizing Nibbāna is awakening to the way it is and letting go, non-attachment. The reality of non-attachment. Report an error in the passage at 20:33
21:06 Yes, it's reality. It's not refined ability dependent on conditions supporting it. That's where, you know, in meditation you're actually learning to let go, develop this sense of relinquishing, letting go more and more. Because the problem is always grasping. We're conditioned to grasp everything. is, it's, it's. Report an error in the passage at 21:06
21:35 Hold on. And even the ideas of Buddhism we grasp. And, you know, even we grasp the view of non-grasping. So it's, you know, on that level of thought, you have to transcend the thinking. Not get rid of thinking, you're not trying to destroy thought, but letting go of thinking and trusting on this intuitive level, this awareness. Report an error in the passage at 21:35
22:05 And as you recognize the power of that, at first it, you know, it's the problem with us all, we overlook it all the time. It's not that you're never aware or you don't have it. It's, you know, you'd be dead by now if you were never aware. You know, heedlessness, you'd just, you know, you'd walk out in the street and get hit by a lorry or something. Report an error in the passage at 22:05
22:27 But because, you know, when you're crossing the street, it brings a level of awareness that you have to use just to... Report an error in the passage at 22:27
22:54 don't, you know, it happens spontaneously when the conditions of danger arise. And where we tend to... Report an error in the passage at 22:54
23:27 birth to death and everything, one can live in this sense of security and support. Report an error in the passage at 23:27
23:43 problems with suicide, drug addiction, alcoholism. Report an error in the passage at 23:43
23:50 mental problems and what not, because one thing about on a survival level, you're focused in what is important to survive. Report an error in the passage at 23:50
24:04 If you have to just spend your life just trying to get enough food to eat, you don't have time to get neurotic. Your focus is quite practical and based on survival, and it gives you a kind of strength that you can lose once your security is guaranteed. Report an error in the passage at 24:04
24:32 But that doesn't mean one should always live on the edge of danger or starvation, but it does point to why in the affluent countries people are so confused and why even with all the very best conditions they're not necessarily happy or fulfilled by it. And this is because, you know, we have not awakened to our true nature. And so we're always, you know, in the state of Yeah, agitation and discontentment and a Report an error in the passage at 24:32
25:21 shake with terror. Report an error in the passage at 25:21
25:27 I'd run out. Report an error in the passage at 25:27
· · · silence, 1 minute
26:21 difficult to think, you know, if these situations, I know it's not here, but if these situations do arise... uh to be kind of to be you know to be an awareness or to be mindful of serious Report an error in the passage at 26:21
26:41 I have faith in the fact that if I'm mindful, what people be anyway? without being thinking about what could happen, is quite scary. Well, this is where, you know, like life-threatening situations, it's surprising how aware you become and spontaneous. Report an error in the passage at 26:41
27:13 I think this is a self-preservation instinct. It's a kind of intelligence that you don't generally notice in yourself. Like I found in myself in a life-threatening situation, you know, just how, you know, no fear even. It's just like everything's alert. And the reaction or response can be quite surprising. Report an error in the passage at 27:13
27:41 And so, you know, people... You know, quite unhealthy, weak people in a life-threatening situation can do kind of miraculous things, like lift a lorry off something or that. I mean, it's amazing what, you know, and if you think about doing it now, I couldn't do it. You know, it'd just be too much because the conditions aren't, this situation aren't, you know, right now are not the same. Report an error in the passage at 27:41
28:15 So I'm not, you know, you talk to people that do rock climbing or climbing Mount Everest or doing all these very dangerous sports. It's also, when you talk with them, it's because it's very mindful, you know, when you let go of the world, you know. All the worries and anxieties of your life somehow are totally irrelevant when you have to be mindful of where your hand is and where your feet are and everything. Report an error in the passage at 28:15
28:53 So your sense of awareness is very strong when you're doing those kind of activities. That's why people love to do those kind of life-threatening adventures. I know, I mean, like when I went to Mount Kailash, you know, a couple of years ago in Tibet, you know, I knew it was going to be physically hard and that, but I mean, I quite like that because when you're having to just deal with a basic walking and survival, you know, the whole, everything just seems irrelevant, you know. Report an error in the passage at 28:53
29:37 the petty worries of the monastic community, and suddenly it just doesn't matter anymore. Report an error in the passage at 29:37
30:08 You know, can be hanging around you. When you're walking up a mountain, there's nothing, none of that. And especially the more tired you are, you know, you're just dealing with just moving one step. And I found, you know, that is, you know, at the time, you know, I remember at Mount Kailash thinking, why am I here? Report an error in the passage at 30:08
30:34 I could be, you know. Nice kuti I have back at Amaravati. Here I am, you know, barely making the next step and the food is terrible. Terrible food they give you. Why do I do things like this? But I do them, you know, because, you know, at the time you can feel, you can have that sense of why do I do this? Report an error in the passage at 30:34
30:59 But in another sense, I know why I do it. You know, one thing it's... It's a sense of really pilgrimage. It's devotion. It's putting yourself into a situation where you have to rise up to it more. You have to carry yourself better than just the way your ordinary life would be. Report an error in the passage at 30:59
31:26 And then a friend of mine told me an incident when he was nearly drowned. He was taken out by this... tide in these huge waves and suddenly found himself you know just in the in the ocean something completely said took him over he doesn't know what it was there was no fear he swam through the undertow and landed on the beach When he landed on the beach, Report an error in the passage at 31:26
32:01 You know, and he started remembering what had happened. He started shaking with fear. But he said during the actual time, he didn't have time to be frightened or to think about it. He Report an error in the passage at 32:01
32:26 didn't have time to think, oh dear, here's a big wave, what will I do? It's just, it's a spontaneity that a strength developed, a superhuman strength. That he would never have thought possible for himself, took over. That's survival. Report an error in the passage at 32:26
32:51 Yes? Report an error in the passage at 32:51
33:12 seems, or to me, it seems that... it becomes reality once you're not attached to it, it's not something lying. Report an error in the passage at 33:12
33:26 Inevitably, it seems that it's something that was achieved. how do we make the distinction between you say it's not being achieved, but someone setting out to achieve the goal of climbing Mount Everest and becoming the reality when they're still at the summit. Well, Report an error in the passage at 33:26
33:47 that is like climbing Mount Everest is an identifiable goal and oftentimes based on a sense of me conquering a mountain. Report an error in the passage at 33:47
34:04 You know, I'm going to conquer Mount Everest. And that is... Report an error in the passage at 34:04
34:15 Where nibbāna is, you know, even though they say attaining nibbāna is a common expression, attaining is a word that I would use, really, because it's realizing nibbāna. Report an error in the passage at 34:15
34:32 It's like nibbāna is here and now, but you don't realize it. And if you... And if you think, I've got to get Nibbāna, then you want to attain something. You project an idea of getting something that you imagine, some idealized state, and then you try to attain that. The Buddha's whole approach was not of attainment, but of relinquishing. Not like getting rid of things, but seeing that... Report an error in the passage at 34:32
35:06 The more you are aware of the suffering that you have through attachment, then you have the insight into letting go, relinquishing, until there's nothing left to relinquish. And then what's left, you know, it has to be realized. It's reality. It's not a created or compounded thought or image or thing at all. Report an error in the passage at 35:06
35:36 Now this is where thinking gives you the idea of it and maybe the inspiration and the direction. But then one gives up thinking to trusting in its awareness. And that's, I found, quite difficult actually because I'm very good at thinking. Report an error in the passage at 35:36
36:01 It's a very strong habit. But to see the... But I examine the kind of suffering I create through attachment to my thoughts. More and more that, you know, that habit of thinking falls away. And then more recognition of awareness, pure awareness. So in, like anattā, say no self, it's... It's not an eradication of self, it's some kind of an attack on selfishness or self, but in awareness, when you begin to recognize or realize awareness, it's real, it's a fact, it's no longer an abstract ideal. Report an error in the passage at 36:01
36:51 So you're not trying to be aware and trying to get awareness, but you recognize, you realize, this is it. And then as you trust that intuitive reality, then it's a natural state of being. It's not a created state dependent on conditions supporting it. So it's not like you have to have a nice peaceful place or a very controlled environment. Report an error in the passage at 36:51
37:20 Awareness is any condition. Battlefield doesn't preclude awareness or doesn't inhibit. But it's the fact that we... We don't recognize or realize or value awareness in our own experience. Report an error in the passage at 37:20
37:52 Yeah, you can like sometimes, yeah, many times you realize, you know, you don't recognize non-attachment. And so most of us work from attachment, you know, by noticing what attachment is. And then, you know, if I try to If I work from the ideal of I shouldn't be attached or non-attachment, then I grasp, you know, then I tend to be critical of myself when I see attachment. Report an error in the passage at 37:52
38:24 Oh, I shouldn't be. Then I become, then that deludes me. But if I, you know, what upsets me? What obsesses my conscious experience, you know, is what I'm attached to. So, it's like in... In community life, you're living, you know, this is quite a large community, so you have, you know, you're living with people, with different types of individuals, and they all affect you in a different way, you know, so, and I'm, you know, using the, using that opportunity, like, what really upsets me? Report an error in the passage at 38:24
39:11 You know, what is it that people can do in this community that really distresses me, or I feel threatened by. What do monks and nuns do that I feel really This is how I've developed, you know, just noticing where, how I'm affected by the people or the community itself. And then going to that, that feeling of being threatened or Where I feel a strong reversion to somebody or resentment. Report an error in the passage at 39:11
39:55 And then I can, by going to that, then I can see the attachment I have. You know, where, say on a personal level, I would tend to say, oh, it's your fault. You know, if you had, if you would be different, then I wouldn't have this anger. Report an error in the passage at 39:55
40:17 And that's the way my personality works. It tends to see the cause as somebody else's fault. We're from a very blaming society. You know, something goes wrong and the first thing, who's to blame? You know, like the government now. Who's to blame for the Iraq war? And who's to blame for David Kelly's death? Who's to blame? Report an error in the passage at 40:17
40:43 I mean, it's part of the culture. It's a blaming culture, and it's part of the way we all react to life. And then we either blame ourselves, it's my fault, or it's your fault. But an awareness, you know, I can, I begin to get to the root of what threatens me. Like, even if you're, if somebody is angry with me, Report an error in the passage at 40:43
41:29 is causing me suffering, would be one way of looking at it. But then if I look deeper, see that, it, that your anger is really your, you know, I can't, that's what... I can't be responsible for your anger, but I can see my own anger arising when you say things that anger arises in me. And so I go to that, to the anger that arises in me, or the resentment. And as I trace that, as I begin to recognize that, then I can see the attachment of how righteous I can be, you know, that I'm right and you shouldn't, Report an error in the passage at 41:29
42:19 mode of being attached to to me being right you being wrong and then I once I see that I let go then awareness is the refuge, because no longer need to be right. On a personal level, I want to be the right one make you wrong. You know, that's the way the personality works. But on the awareness level... Report an error in the passage at 42:19
42:44 It doesn't matter who's right and wrong. It's just being aware of the way it is. And then the insights come more. It gives me a perspective where I'm more aware. If I've done something to really make you angry, I begin to see it. On a personal level, I might not see it. But on an intuitive level, I begin to see that maybe... Report an error in the passage at 42:44
43:14 The way I've treated you or acted has been not particularly skillful. Well, then the sense of apology is good. It's worth apologizing. Or I can see maybe it's just your problem. Maybe you just carry around resentments and project them onto me and it's nothing to do with me. But it's from an intuitive place rather than from personal analysis. Report an error in the passage at 43:14
43:45 And that's where you're seeing, you know, you have a much stronger sense of this, you have perspective with awareness, where with personality, I don't, I lose perspective, I just react to things. Report an error in the passage at 43:45
43:59 I'm conditioned to react. You say, Ajahn Sumedho, you're wonderful, I feel good. You say, Ajahn Sumedho, I hate you, I feel bad. I'm just, you know, up and down. Report an error in the passage at 43:59
44:13 So that's conditioned. bad. Report an error in the passage at 44:13
44:16 conditioned, in that conditioned personality. Report an error in the passage at 44:16
44:33 from that awareness there's no self. And then compassion. In many ways, we have different karmic tendencies and we irritate each other. and, and, uh, uh, I mean, not intentionally even, just the way it is. Different ways of looking at something or different assumptions and habits. And so, inevitably, we're going to cause friction in various ways with each other. Report an error in the passage at 44:33
45:17 That's part of the human condition. And like in monastic etiquette, you know, we... Every fortnight, we kind of confess and ask for forgiveness for any suffering I've caused you or things like this, intentional, unintentional, because it's a way of recognizing, even if I have no intention, you know, not intentionally doing anything to you. Report an error in the passage at 45:17
45:52 You know, to harm you, I still unintentionally might cause you distress. And that's certainly understandable, as you all know, living in a family or a community. Report an error in the passage at 45:52
46:27 Well, it's more like you feel confident, like I'd say, my own experience, a confidence in awareness. Because you've had time, you know, you've tested it out. You explored this whole thing for many years and experimented with it. So like in practicing dharma, you're encouraged to investigate and experiment so you can see, you know, you're not just idolizing Buddhist teachings, but you're using them and seeing, well, do they really work and how to use them so that... Report an error in the passage at 46:27
47:08 And then the results, you reflect on the results of your practice. And I can see, well, like when I did have the insight into this emptiness, you know, that became very strong. Report an error in the passage at 47:08
47:23 Then I had perspective on my personality. Until I had that, then I tended to not have any perspective on personality. So I... Report an error in the passage at 47:23
47:37 I found a lot of suffering in community life because my personality would react too much to praise and blame and success and failure. And when you're living with other people, you know, then you get this experience. They love you and then they hate you and then you feel successful and then you feel like a failure. Report an error in the passage at 47:37
48:07 But in, and then on a personal level you're stuck with just being reactive to a number of people. Once that perspective, the recognition of that awareness, that tends to like be infinite. It has no boundary. As you recognize awareness, it's like, it's vast and it's powerful. Where, you know, so if you... Report an error in the passage at 48:07
48:37 If you rest in that awareness, then you have room for the karmic effects of your life, you know, praise and blame, happiness, suffering, success, failure, and all that. It doesn't mean that everybody, you know, praises you or anything. It means that whatever happens, you're relating to it from awareness rather than just reacting to it. Report an error in the passage at 48:37
49:05 And making yourself, increasing your sense of fear and resentment. Like, on a personal level, just being criticized and misunderstood and blamed for things just made me a more resentful person. You know, I became increasingly more bitter and resentful on a personal level the more I experienced criticism and blame. Report an error in the passage at 49:05
49:33 Then from... Then from awareness, I could see. Then from awareness, people could criticize and blame me. And I had awareness to deal with it, rather than just the force of my personality, which tended to resent and feel bitter towards those who did that. that and there and so this get then let me Up until that point, I was afraid of being criticized. I couldn't take people's criticisms. But once that awareness, I saw that and recognized it, then people can. Report an error in the passage at 49:33
50:20 I can take criticisms or be blamed for things or whatever. I still feel it. It's not something I like or look forward to, but it's not a problem anymore. And so once fear of that goes away, because Report an error in the passage at 50:20
50:42 like a lot of my personality was based on fear of rejection, fear of being blamed for something, fear of being wrong, fear of what other people think, you know, what do they think of me, and that these could be quite obsessive anxieties. Report an error in the passage at 50:42
51:23 The mind is the one that reacts either to pleasure, I like that, or pain. Report an error in the passage at 51:23
51:32 It's almost like this conditioned mind is like a little kind of bubble or something of a condition that seems to just appear in the mind and yet it's got such a reality that all our emotions are tied up inside that kind of bubble of just well. I'm sorry. Hey, don't look at that. Do it. Report an error in the passage at 51:32
51:55 Well, reaction to a word or a feeling inside the body, and it takes on this tremendous solid reality because we're reacting this Report an error in the passage at 51:55
52:11 there is stillness which is not reacting. It's not the essential quality of mind. It's just that there's no... Well, you can be aware of reaction. Report an error in the passage at 52:11
52:26 Like, with mindfulness, then you're aware of reaction. Like if somebody, if an awareness, then you say, you insult me, I feel something, there's a reaction, but I'm aware, my relationship to it is through awareness, rather than, where if I'm not aware, then you insult me, then I react, and then I insult you back. Report an error in the passage at 52:26
52:56 Or I just get hurt and I just shut up and feel anger and resentment. But if with awareness, then, you know, I'm certainly aware of the reaction, but I can be, like awareness, because it includes, I can be aware of you and what you're saying and aware of the reaction all at the same time, because it's not... Report an error in the passage at 52:56
53:24 You know, these both are happening simultaneously, where on a thinking level you can only deal with one thing at a time. You know, you have to shut this off. You know, I get caught in my own reaction, so I don't even hear what you're saying. I just feel you say something, I take it personally as an insult, and then I react. Report an error in the passage at 53:24
53:47 And maybe, you know, maybe I misread what you said. I just caught in a reaction and I didn't even hear what you said properly. Where if I'm aware then and you say something and I see a reaction in me, but I'm still listening so I can still hear you. And then it gives an opportunity to communicate, you know, when I'm aware. Report an error in the passage at 53:47
54:18 This helps you. Report an error in the passage at 54:18
54:23 communication we have isn't there if Report an error in the passage at 54:23
55:21 Oftentimes, we often bind ourselves to very unpleasant conditions, you know, and see ourselves through these negative, through the flaw, the wart, or the defect. And that's how we see ourselves on a personal level. But in awareness, because it has no form and no boundary, and yet, emotionally, that can be very frightening because Emotions are, your emotional habits are built around extremity, about, you know, happiness and misery and success and failure. Report an error in the passage at 55:21
56:02 So, you know, I praise you and you're happy, I criticize you and you're depressed. And your emotional, you see, your emotional habits formed around that, you know. I can be really happy if I get praised, but if somebody criticizes me, then I feel depressed. And, but when... Report an error in the passage at 56:02
56:22 But then you do have a sense of I'm somebody who needs praise or I'm somebody that gets depressed because people criticize me. And we bind ourselves to that image. But as soon as we recognize awareness as our refuge, then... That's in perspective, those habit patterns are in perspective again. And that's where you can let go of them. You know, you're not feeding them anymore. Report an error in the passage at 56:22
56:57 You're not reinforcing those habit patterns. Report an error in the passage at 56:57
57:11 Yeah, Report an error in the passage at 57:11
57:23 yeah. Report an error in the passage at 57:23
57:35 Yeah, it's like oneness is, you know, like separation. When you start thinking and... And attachment to form always creates this sense of division, of separation. So, you know, in the sense plane, everything looks like me, you, we're separate. And this is the truth, this is the reality. This is the real world. But in terms of awareness, then, because that separation, I have to think, you're over there and I'm here. Report an error in the passage at 57:35
58:17 You're different than I am. That's all due to thought and the way it seems, the way I think, the way I perceive through senses. But in awareness you don't see that way anymore. Even though you discern, you're not creating a division. Report an error in the passage at 58:17
58:36 And therefore this conscious awareness is oneness. So it's not like mine. I can't claim it as some kind of personal ...personal achievement, because it's not personal. It's nothing I've done as a person. It's through awareness that's recognized and it's available to everyone. Report an error in the passage at 58:36
59:08 It's natural. Report an error in the passage at 59:08
59:14 That's where, say, these talks, they're more intended to remind you or to bring... natural, it's every, and, know, it's not a... Report an error in the passage at 59:14
59:22 To bring your attention to this reality and encourage you, because you can see that the suffering of our lives is around not knowing this. So then by not knowing this, then we create endless problems around the differences and the habits with the karma we've made with life. We keep perpetuating those habits. Report an error in the passage at 59:22
59:51 If I didn't know this, then on a personal level, you know, I'd still have to be a very controlling person to keep life safe so that I wouldn't feel, you know, I wouldn't be living with people who criticize me. I'd have to be very controlling to see. If you're going to live here in Amaravati, you have to see me. Don't criticize me. Report an error in the passage at 59:51
1:00:16 You've got to respect me. And I'm the... The great teacher, and you must believe me, and if you start doubting, out you go. That's a control freak, isn't it? So that's because I'd be frightened if I wouldn't know how to deal with the other. But then in the awareness, it's part of the flow of life. The successes, the failures, the praise, the blame. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:16
1:01:06 that I need to control everything so that it doesn't happen. Because the refuge is in the awareness, not in holding to a position of personal safety. Report an error in the passage at 1:01:06
· · · silence, 1 minute
1:02:09 Well, don't try to conceive it. And learn to trust, even like right now, just this very question, how do I become aware of something you're creating? Be aware of that. You can always, by being present with whatever, even, you know, I could go on a retreat here and get very calm, and then you go back home and everything's falling apart and people want this and complain. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:09
1:02:39 And you say, oh, I've lost my mindfulness. Then trust yourself to be aware of that feeling of not being, of everything going wrong and learn to just, you know, wherever you, that point in any, at any time, at any place, where you suddenly catch yourself and you see yourself making a problem or resenting or thinking, oh, I can't, this is more than I can bear. Report an error in the passage at 1:02:39
1:03:07 If you learn to trust and just to catch that moment to see suddenly you see what you're doing you're creating and and and also I found like when life gets very difficult and and a lot of a lot of things come at me at once you know where a lot of unpleasant things and demands come all at once that's you know you just suddenly you know you kind of like a tidal wave Report an error in the passage at 1:03:07
1:03:44 Then also I found just learning to recognize this, you know, in terms of the, not trying to, not thinking about it, but just getting a feeling of this being overwhelmed is like this. And it works. Report an error in the passage at 1:03:44
1:04:02 You know, because the more you trust in that awareness, it just gets, you know, your confidence in it increases. You know. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:02
1:04:11 It even works when overwhelming things happen to you. And then you apply it to, you know, on a meditation retreat. The danger of meditation retreats is that they are set up. They're special. And, you know, you try to make them as, you know, everything's organized for you. You have a vow of silence. Life is very simple. You don't have to think about things. You just follow the schedule and sit and watch your breath. So that's a special situation. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:11
1:04:51 But then ordinary life is not, there's nothing special about it. It's the way it is. So recognize that the danger with special situations is then we want to have special situations all the time. You know, thinking, that's the only time I can really be mindful is on a retreat. That's another illusion we create. Because, you know, retreats are very good, but also people get addicted to retreats, and that's the only way they can do it. Report an error in the passage at 1:04:51
1:05:27 But retreats do help, you know, are helpful, because they are special situations where The pressures on you in your daily life are not there. You don't have to decide what you're going to eat. The food's provided and everything. So it takes away a lot of the things that you have to deal with in your daily life, the choices and options you have to make all the time. Report an error in the passage at 1:05:27
1:06:01 It simplifies everything. And then the value of retreat is suddenly recognizing that, beginning to recognize or appreciate that stillness that one can recognize due to the lack of a lot of stimulation. But then that stillness, then we identify the reality of stillness with the situation. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:01
1:06:35 But that's not necessarily, that's not true. Stillness, once you recognize it, is with you wherever you are. And so that's the important thing, is to recognize it. And then wherever you are, you know, you forget about it, but then you can remember it. You recognize it. So it's not, you know, once you recognize it, then you can easily be there. Report an error in the passage at 1:06:35
1:07:02 And you forget, and then you can remember it. So just like the English word silence. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:02
1:07:14 Just that word. I say silence, and I'm right there in the stillness. So then I get wound up with some, Ajahn Sumedho, what are you going to do about this? What are you going to do about that? And then I get this fluttering of silence. And I'm still, and I can receive the Report an error in the passage at 1:07:14
1:07:37 And that's just, you know, just using a word that has helped, that points to that reality. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:37
1:07:48 So when I hear it on somebody else's silence, because the stillness and silence is natural underneath, which is lying the background of all the noise and the conditioned phenomena that goes on. Report an error in the passage at 1:07:48
1:08:35 Well, also, it's like developing skillful means. Because I used to dread arguments and difficult situations, emotional scenes. Report an error in the passage at 1:08:35
1:08:56 I dreaded those kind of experiences. So even before they ever happened, they'd say, we're having a meeting about an important issue, Ajahn Sumedho, and immediately... scenes, you know, Report an error in the passage at 1:08:56
1:09:12 I feel myself contracting. And then instead of, and then recognizing how resistant I was, then I developed this sense of welcoming, welcome, you know, which is, you know, it was a reminder of, instead of just getting caught in this tendency, oh no, not another one of those meetings, you know, changing it to welcome, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:12
1:09:41 And even though at first it was very contrived, it did help to not follow that habit of resisting and then resenting or dwelling or dreading the meeting that might be very unpleasant. Report an error in the passage at 1:09:41
1:09:59 So, I mean, it's like knowing, getting to know yourself, how your mind works so that you can challenge it too in ways of... Report an error in the passage at 1:09:59
1:10:35 it's more of an encouragement for you to... To know how, you know, to learn, because you're the one that knows what's going on inside you. You're the one that feels it, you know, what you're thinking, feeling right now, you're the one that knows what it's like. And so you're learning to trust that, knowing, rather than assuming I might know you better than you do. Because sometimes people do that, they project onto the teacher, you know, like I know what's going on in you better than you do, but I don't. Report an error in the passage at 1:10:35
1:11:08 he? No. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:08
1:11:15 You're the only one that can know what it feels like, what it is to be at this moment. I mean, I might get, you know, read body language or facial expressions, get some idea. The actual reality of the feeling, of the mood, I can't know because I'm not inside you in terms of, you know, the... Report an error in the passage at 1:11:15
1:11:42 The consciousness is the same, but the reality of this point is always seeing you from this point as an object. Where you're feeling very much from this point is the way, you know, your own emotional habit or mood or physical sensations. Report an error in the passage at 1:11:42
· · · silence, 1 minute
1:12:46 at same time, to me, it's like I'm normal myself. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:46
1:12:54 then I would move on to, uh, move up to, I mean, I don't know. Report an error in the passage at 1:12:54
1:13:07 I don't know how it works. Well, I mean, like somebody says, I remember when I was a teenager and I started going out with girls, you know, and I remember getting all very anxious. And, you know, worried, and I asked my mother, what am I going to do? What am I going to talk about? My mother said, just be yourself. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:07
1:13:42 I don't know what that is. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:42
1:13:52 So then, you know, you think, be myself. And I couldn't, you know, that just bewildered me because I didn't know what that meant. Report an error in the passage at 1:13:52
1:14:02 And so... You know, then people, and then the ideal was to be natural, be yourself. These were ideals that were very much part of my youth. But I, you know, I didn't really know what myself was. And the more I tried to figure it out, you know, try to be what I think is being natural, the less at ease I became. Report an error in the passage at 1:14:02
1:14:31 You know, I would put on acts, or I'd... You know, trying to act like something natural or trying to act like I'm being myself. And nothing ever really seemed to work. And so then in meditation, once I began to see what self is in the sense of a created self, you know, like in Buddhism, it's always this... Report an error in the passage at 1:14:31
1:15:02 Condition, you know, like when you're with your parents, you're this way, these conditions, your personality's like this when you're with your best friend, they're like that when you're with your boss, they're like this. Your personality changes according to, you know, the conditions around you. Now, my idea was that it shouldn't be that way. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:02
1:15:23 I should be exactly the same with my parents as with my best friend, as with my employer. employer It'd be in the pub, I should be exactly the same. There shouldn't be two kind of people there, two personalities. That was an ideal, you know, of just being natural and being oneself, not being a phony, not being a hypocrite, was an ideal again. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:23
1:15:50 And this is where I found, you know, the Buddhist teachings of dependent origination and that. Very helpful because it is just natural the way you begin to see, you're observing how your personality adjusts to various conditions. Report an error in the passage at 1:15:50
1:16:08 And that's just the way it is. And that which is aware then, that's where you feel most at home. That's what Ajahn Chah referred to as our real home. Or the experience of coming home. Isn't it? Home is a concept of being a place where you can relax and be yourself and be at ease because you're safe and you don't have to be anything at all and you're completely safe and at ease as at home. Report an error in the passage at 1:16:08
1:16:43 So this is awareness and the more you recognize it, it's like coming home. And then your personality It's no longer the, you know, because you're no longer believing in your personality as yourself, then you can, you can, you know, you're not judging yourself endlessly anymore about how you should or shouldn't be, but you trust in your responses to life as the conditions change, rather Report an error in the passage at 1:16:43
1:17:19 than holding to some idea that you should always be yourself and not be a Phony or hypocrite or, and those are very strong ideals. And then we torture ourselves because we can't do that. And life becomes endlessly problematical. So like going home is going, it's ultimately simple. And then your personality comes from that flow. And then it's a spontaneity rather than just reactivity. Report an error in the passage at 1:17:19
1:17:56 For some habit. Yes? Well, Report an error in the passage at 1:17:56
1:18:25 it's like identifying, recognizing, like awareness is just very simple. And it's not something you can create or force. It's a natural, like the sense of openness, relaxed openness, attentiveness. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:25
1:18:48 Being a sense of being at ease and relaxed and open and open to everything where you're not trying to get anything or get rid of anything. So it's, to me, just taking those kind of words and then learning to remind myself to like sitting, to just rest and relax, open. And because I often saw meditation as something very compulsive, I had to do it. I had to say, don't have to meditate even. Report an error in the passage at 1:18:48
1:19:22 Or, you know, because whatever I did, even meditation techniques I do, they bring out, you know, reinforce this compulsivity. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:22
1:19:36 So I used Upāya as like, don't do anything. It's relaxable. And then I began to just notice this kind of stillness. You can hear this kind of what I call sound of silence, a kind of background energy or vibration. And as you rest in that, you know, you feel this sense of being, you know, you're fully attentive. Report an error in the passage at 1:19:36
1:20:09 And it's a... It's a natural state. You're not creating it. You're just recognizing it. Once you recognize it or realize it, then from that point on, it's cultivating that or bringing it, learning to develop that through the daily life that you live. So like the same to you, you know, whatever the conditions are, you know. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:09
1:20:41 An acrimonious meeting or peaceful retreat or noisy London or peaceful mountaintop. The awareness is the same thing all the time. It's not, you know, dependent on conditions anymore. Report an error in the passage at 1:20:41
1:21:03 And so this is why I use his word realization and recognition. It's the fact that we don't recognize it. I was looking like we might try to be mindful all the time. We've got to be more mindful. We're grasping an ideal of mindfulness. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:03
1:21:23 As soon as we're aware of that, grasping, then that awareness is as simple as that. But if I'm coming from the idea that I have to be more aware, and then I operate from that position, I'm somebody that needs to become aware. Then I'm not being mindful. I'm not being aware. But if I feel I should become aware, and I'm aware of that thought, that's the awareness that is the refuge. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:23
1:21:56 So it's beyond your thinking. It embraces the thinking process, the emotional habits, the whole universe. Awareness is intelligent. You don't go into kind of a trance or into just a state like a zombie-like oblivion. It's alert. It's open. And this is where miracles can happen in the awareness, where the limitation that you always identify with dissolves. Report an error in the passage at 1:21:56
1:22:40 You're no longer... Seeing yourself always in these limited habits. Have Report an error in the passage at 1:22:40
1:22:53 I convinced you? Report an error in the passage at 1:22:53
1:22:57 Yes? Report an error in the passage at 1:22:57
· · · silence, 1 minute
1:23:47 It's possible. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:47
1:23:54 I'm not making any promises. Report an error in the passage at 1:23:54
1:24:03 Yeah, well, the reason why, like last year I didn't, I was on a sabbatical leave, so this year, the only retreat this year I'm giving is in September. It's possible. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:03
1:24:15 And that's all booked up, you know, waiting list. But next year, I've asked for May and September to be two here. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:15
1:24:43 That's true. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:43
1:24:52 Yeah, I keep, Report an error in the passage at 1:24:52
1:24:58 you know, when you get 70 years old, you... I notice how old people are. I read the obituaries in the newspaper sometimes. I notice old people my age dropping dead. Report an error in the passage at 1:24:58
1:25:33 Drank vodka. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:33
1:25:40 But she's Report an error in the passage at 1:25:40
1:25:47 only one. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:47
1:25:51 Well, Report an error in the passage at 1:25:51
1:25:56 I think that's enough for today. like vodka. Report an error in the passage at 1:25:56
Related talks
Talk by Ajahn Sumedho. Original at Amaravati Buddhist Monastery via Internet Archive: https://archive.org/details/ajahn-sumedho-dhamma-talks. Licensed CC BY-NC-ND 4.0. Transcript generated automatically and may contain errors; the audio is the authoritative version.
Talks of Ajahn Sumedho, archived on Internet Archive. More from Amaravati