The Dharma of Demi-Girls

0:00 This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:16 morning, everyone. Welcome to Green Gulch. For those of you who are new, a big welcome. It was so delightful to look out at the assembly, the great assembly, while everyone had their hands. In this wonderful prayer position. So that was really lovely. I'd like to start by thanking Abbot Jiryu and Tanto Eli for the invitation to offer this talk. Report an error in the passage at 0:16 Highlight the passage at 0:16

0:53 And I'd like to thank all the senior staff and the Doanryo and all the short and long-term residents for your wholehearted effort in keeping Report an error in the passage at 0:53 Highlight the passage at 0:53

1:09 Green Dragon Temple flourishing. So thank you so much for caring for the triple treasure. And Report an error in the passage at 1:09 Highlight the passage at 1:09

1:21 I know there'll be a bodhisattva initiation ceremony this afternoon for a number of people where they publicly take vows, being bodhisattvas, people who are devoted to being kind and open-hearted and waking up to Their true nature, being of service to others. So great congratulations ahead of time to all of you bodhisattvas. Report an error in the passage at 1:21 Highlight the passage at 1:21

1:59 So as some of you might know, across the bay in about maybe 10 minutes, 8 minutes according to this clock, there will be the 56th annual Pride Parade, a celebration that embraces diversity and encourages Authentic self-expression. So in honor of pride, I thought I would just offer some words of belonging and self-expression. Report an error in the passage at 1:59 Highlight the passage at 1:59

2:32 Although I identify as a woman, I'd say that my gender expression is decidedly non-conforming. Back when I grew up in the 70s and 80s, there was not this expansive vocabulary to articulate the fluidity of gender. There was one word for girls like me. Who preferred holding a baseball instead of a doll, wearing pants instead of dresses, and scraping my knees instead of having teas. Report an error in the passage at 2:32 Highlight the passage at 2:32

3:02 And that was tomboy. This was decidedly a negative term in my neighborhood when I grew up. This would be in the 1970s. Fortunately, everything changes. So where before there was just a binary of boy and girl to choose from, now there's the LGBTQIA+. In learning more about this vocabulary, I came across a new word that more accurately reflects how I feel about my gender identity and expression. Report an error in the passage at 3:02 Highlight the passage at 3:02

3:34 Demi-girl. I just love this word. It's so much more empowering and exciting than the tiresome trope of tomboy. Demi-girl is not derived from ostensible masculine qualities, courageous, adventurous, spirited, independent. independent and athletic. Demi-girl just signifies a person who does not fit into the traditional gender box of woman. Report an error in the passage at 3:34 Highlight the passage at 3:34

3:59 I had these two older brothers, so perhaps I preferred activities that were decidedly in the traditional boy realm because I wanted to be just like them. Just like everyone else, I wanted to belong. My first memory of not belonging happened when I was about five years old. It was a summer morning in the Pocono Mountains. I grew up outside of New York in the Bronx, and many people went to the Pocono Mountains. Report an error in the passage at 3:59 Highlight the passage at 3:59

4:32 So we were there. We went almost every summer for a few years. And I was very excited to be out in the country. And I ran outside to be with my older brother, Anthony. And I was probably clad in like a little tank top. Report an error in the passage at 4:32 Highlight the passage at 4:32

5:19 And I said, yes. And then my voice started to quaver, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, I mean no. And of course they laughed, mocking me, mocking my confusion. And I ran as fast as I could down that gravel driveway into the backyard to seek some refuge among the pine trees. Report an error in the passage at 5:19 Highlight the passage at 5:19

5:43 I don't know how long I was there, hiding among the trees. But I do remember the standing there waiting, catching my breath, and waiting for the shame to release its grip on me, hiding from the scorn of the boys. So it's my first memory of experiencing shame, maybe even my first memory of suffering, or dukkha, which is the first noble truth. Report an error in the passage at 5:43 Highlight the passage at 5:43

6:13 There is suffering in life. I also want to just mention that there's a possibility of the cessation of suffering. Which is why we're all here. And it's also the first characteristic of existence. Suffering. In Sanskrit, the word dukkha can also be understood this way. Du means constricted. And kam, K-H-A-M, means sky of consciousness in Sanskrit. Report an error in the passage at 6:13 Highlight the passage at 6:13

6:41 Sky or ether. So when the sky of consciousness is constricted, we experience suffering. Another... Another meaning of this root, kam, K-H-A-M, which is also the root of sukha, or ease or bliss, it could also mean a sense organ, kam, a sense organ. So dukkha is the sensory experience of dissatisfaction, and sukha is a satisfied sensory experience. So when consciousness is spacious and expansive, we experience joy and wholeness and belonging. Report an error in the passage at 6:41 Highlight the passage at 6:41

7:22 This incident with the boys was the first time I remember feeling that there was something wrong with me. This type of shame is what psychologists call state shame, S-T-A-T-E, a momentary experience that occurs in response to an event. I had no name for the shame. It was just a body-mind experience of being othered and being ridiculed. I never mentioned this experience to my parents, and this is one of the powers of shame. Report an error in the passage at 7:22 Highlight the passage at 7:22

7:51 It keeps us locked in a hell realm where we feel powerless, unworthy, and unwelcome. Unlike my brothers and the boys, I was too young to be trapped in the box of the binary gender system. I was still floating in the childlike non-dual world where trees were my best friends, bees hummed in my heart, time was timeless, and most importantly, unicorns were real. Report an error in the passage at 7:51 Highlight the passage at 7:51

8:21 Of course my brothers and the boys reacted in this way because of their limited views of how girls should look and behave. They were not born with these views of course. They inherited them from their families and society. Their limited view of girls also reflected their limited views of themselves. Report an error in the passage at 8:21 Highlight the passage at 8:21

8:44 So they also got trapped by their limited views of girls and that kept them trapped. In this gender box that's built for boys, little boys. We know as practicing Buddhists that everything changes. This impermanence is a second mark or second characteristic of existence. So the first is that there's suffering or dissatisfaction. Report an error in the passage at 8:44 Highlight the passage at 8:44

9:11 The second is everything is changing. Change is the only constant. Everything is always in flux. And I made up this new word, or maybe I didn't. I don't know, it's fluxing. Fluxing? Is that a word? Yeah, fluxing, right? Because flux sounds like it's concrete flux, but it's fluxing, which, if I don't say it properly, might be not so great. Report an error in the passage at 9:11 Highlight the passage at 9:11

9:43 I don't pronounce it. I articulate it. Fluxing. So although it was an intense experience of a state of shame, it passed through me. However, if we're routinely shamed by our parents or other authority figures whom we love and who have power over us, we internalize the shame and it crystallizes into what psychologists call trait, T-R-A-I-T, trait shame. Report an error in the passage at 9:43 Highlight the passage at 9:43

10:15 This shame cycle places our thoughts, words, and deeds into the box of should or shouldn't. This isn't the kind of shame sometimes we refer to it. Report an error in the passage at 10:15 Highlight the passage at 10:15

10:28 I love that the pride movement transformed this word pride, which is often associated with sin and shame, into a celebration of belonging and loving kindness. Since it's Pride Month and the rainbow flag is a symbol of pride, I've been thinking a lot about rainbows. And I remember when I was in sixth grade, my teacher had one of those triangular prisms, and she held it up to the sunlight streaming through the window, and then all of a sudden, poof, right? Report an error in the passage at 10:28 Highlight the passage at 10:28

11:23 It was all these different colors. I don't know why no one did that earlier in my life, but sixth grade seemed to be the curriculum where you show people that sunlight is actually made up of all these different colors. So the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. And I think there might even be an indigo in there now, right? But when I was a kid, it was Roy G. Biv. That's how I remembered that, Roy G. Report an error in the passage at 11:23 Highlight the passage at 11:23

11:44 Biv. So this prismatic moment is akin to how I feel about Buddhist teaching. Before I began practicing Zen, I perceived my adult self as a solid independent me that was separate from nature and from everyone else. I didn't know that my perception and experience of myself as a concrete and discrete entity was a false view. Report an error in the passage at 11:44 Highlight the passage at 11:44

12:10 However, the more I meditated and studied the Buddha's teachings, my perception and experience of myself became more ephemeral and more color-filled. Just like a rainbow. This embodied sense of the fluid and impersonal nature of sensory experience is the third characteristic of existence, this not self characteristic. Report an error in the passage at 12:10 Highlight the passage at 12:10

12:35 This is one of the most transformative teachings, in my opinion, of the Buddha, and also one of the most difficult to understand and to experience. One framework the Buddha offered to refract our experiences through is the prism of the five aggregates, or heaps. Forms, sensations, perceptions, mental formations, and consciousness. The more we practice meditation and study the Buddha's teaching, the more we begin to experience the insubstantiality, impermanence, and impersonal nature of these arising mental and physical phenomena. Report an error in the passage at 12:35 Highlight the passage at 12:35

13:15 I just want to pause for a second and say, since there's five of these aggregates, when they're constricted, can make a fist, right? The sense of contraction, pain contraction in the bodies. So when we're meditating, what we're doing is we're becoming more intimate to when it feels like we're grasping onto and making a me out of what's arising in the sense doors. Report an error in the passage at 13:15 Highlight the passage at 13:15

13:42 So this constriction is a lot of energy it takes for us to maintain this pain constriction. And there's also fear sometimes. To letting go of that, to investigating it, to stepping really close to what's going on in the body-mind, heart-mind. And this is why Zazen can be really powerful and transformative, is that we're stilling the body to become intimate with what's going on internally. Report an error in the passage at 13:42 Highlight the passage at 13:42

14:12 And of course, our internal psycho-emotional landscape is affected by what we call external circumstances. But here is where our liberation is, here. Right here. This is all we can study, really, is what's going on here. Report an error in the passage at 14:12 Highlight the passage at 14:12

14:31 So one definition I find helpful when contemplating this not self-characteristic is from the Buddhist scholar Karl Brunholz. He has this really wonderful book called, and I love the title, The Heart Attack Sūtra. And we chant the Heart Sūtra most every day at the three temples of San Francisco Zen Center. Report an error in the passage at 14:31 Highlight the passage at 14:31

14:55 And here's what he says. I'll put my glasses on for the italicized words. Report an error in the passage at 14:55 Highlight the passage at 14:55

15:04 Not only is our perceiving mind dynamic, fluxing, in that it changes from moment to moment, but everything we perceive with our senses, which is everything, is dynamic too. Report an error in the passage at 15:04 Highlight the passage at 15:04

15:20 Phenomena, right, what's arising in our sense doors, the sights and sounds and tastes and touches and thoughts, phenomena cannot be defined by themselves. Report an error in the passage at 15:20 Highlight the passage at 15:20

15:32 Rather, we can only talk about phenomena as complexes of mutual relationships with other phenomena, which in themselves are complexes of mutual relationships with other complexes of mutual relationships. So that's a mouthful. But essentially, this is a not-self characteristic in that the mind that's experiencing The mind that's taking all of you in. The mind that's hearing the birds. My ears are hearing the birds. I'm speaking. This mind is continually changing all the time. Report an error in the passage at 15:32 Highlight the passage at 15:32

16:14 And there's that old Greek phrase, you can't step into the same river twice. And the Buddhist twist is the same person can't step into the same river twice. Report an error in the passage at 16:14 Highlight the passage at 16:14

16:25 We're always changing. So how we're perceiving is changing. This mind, right, is changing, that's perceiving, and all the sensory objects are changing as well. So everything is dynamic, everything is fluxing. Report an error in the passage at 16:25 Highlight the passage at 16:25

16:41 So rainbows, like everything else we perceive and experience, are complexes of mutual relationships with other phenomena. This definition of the not self-characteristic isn't nearly as poetic and simple as Suzuki Roshi's, because we are changing moment by moment, I don't exist. Because we are changing moment by moment, I don't exist. Another one of his really poetic phrases is how we perceive our sense of self is like a swinging door in the sky. Report an error in the passage at 16:41 Highlight the passage at 16:41

17:16 And maybe a transparent door as well, not a heavy one, an ephemeral one, a swinging door in the sky of consciousness. And you know what? Rainbows don't exist either. They are optical illusions that do not exist in a specific spot in the sky. When we look at them from the ground, they look like arches or bows. Report an error in the passage at 17:16 Highlight the passage at 17:16

17:43 When you're in an airplane, they appear as circles. Get this, they're composed of millions of raindrops that each contribute, this is my favorite phrase here, rainbow speckles. Report an error in the passage at 17:43 Highlight the passage at 17:43

17:56 Not to be confused with rainbow sprinkles, which we put on ice cream. So rain drops, so rainbows are composed of millions of these rainbow speckles that refract and reflect sunlight in front of a viewer at an angle of 42 degrees. I have no idea how people figure that out, but I'm super impressed. I am just content with staring at and seeing rainbows without any math associations. Report an error in the passage at 17:56 Highlight the passage at 17:56

18:28 These rainbow speckles. Associations. Report an error in the passage at 18:28 Highlight the passage at 18:28

18:30 The rainbow speckles of our psycho-emotional personalities change every moment because mind consciousness, right, changes every moment. This means that our perceptions are changing each moment, even if we are not attuned to this. Just like seeing sunlight transform into a rainbow shifted my perception of sunlight, my brother and his friends' reactions to my confusion about gender also shifted how I perceived myself. Report an error in the passage at 18:30 Highlight the passage at 18:30

18:59 Instead of a rainbow of colors, we were reduced to the black and white binary of boys and girls. So this rainbow flag was first used on June 25th in 1978 for the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade. The first pride marches around the country were held in 1970 to commemorate the Stonewall uprisings that happened in Greenwich Village in New York City. Report an error in the passage at 18:59 Highlight the passage at 18:59

19:28 From June 28th to July 3rd, 1969. So I was about a year and a half at that time. Stonewall Inn was a gay bar that was routinely raided by the police. So these uprisings are considered the catalyst for the gay rights movement. Although Stonewall is considered the event that launched the pride movement, there were many causes and conditions that led to these riots. Report an error in the passage at 19:28 Highlight the passage at 19:28

19:51 In fact, one of those causes was just 500 feet away from the Stonewall Inn. The Woman's House of Detention, which opened in 1932. The Woman's House of Detention. I never heard of this Woman's House of Detention until I started preparing this talk. Tens of thousands of women and transmasculine people were incarcerated there mostly for being gender nonconforming. Report an error in the passage at 19:51 Highlight the passage at 19:51

20:22 By the 1960s, around 75 % of the people in prison there were queer in some way. According to Hugh Ryan, he wrote this book called The Woman's House of Detention, A Queer History of a Forgotten Prison. Women and trans masculine people were arrested for being wayward and dressing incorrectly for their gender. Report an error in the passage at 20:22 Highlight the passage at 20:22

20:46 This law, which still exists, FYI, was created in the mid-1800s to criminalize people who dressed in costume to protest tax collectors. That's a real... Interesting fact, isn't it? I wish we had some photos or renderings of what costumes people were dressing in to harass and protest tax collection. Report an error in the passage at 20:46 Highlight the passage at 20:46

21:15 This law states that it's illegal to dress in costume while committing a crime. Report an error in the passage at 21:15 Highlight the passage at 21:15

21:25 We'd just be arrested right away. What kind of costume do you have on? on. Report an error in the passage at 21:25 Highlight the passage at 21:25

21:31 However, back then, and maybe even still today, it was used to target the LGBTQIA plus community because if you've ever been to a gay pride parade, nobody really seems to be dressing correctly for their gender or biological sex, which is so wonderful about it. Some people aren't even dressed at all. Let's just say that there. I tried to warn. Someone was saying that I thought their parents were going to that. Report an error in the passage at 21:31 Highlight the passage at 21:31

21:58 I was like, do they know there might be some nudity? Report an error in the passage at 21:58 Highlight the passage at 21:58

22:03 In fact, the law was also used to arrest protesters during Occupy Wall Street for wearing masks or costumes. In the 1960s, the women's house of detention began marking gay prisoners with D for degenerate. Report an error in the passage at 22:03 Highlight the passage at 22:03

22:25 Kind of like that Scarlet A, huh? And placing them in solitary confinement because they were a danger to other women. So Hugh Ryan, the author, says, on the first night of the Stonewall riots, people incarcerated in the prison could actually see what was happening out their windows. They could see these riots. And they started a riot all of their own, setting fire to their belongings and throwing them down to the streets below while chanting, gay rights, gay rights. Report an error in the passage at 22:25 Highlight the passage at 22:25

22:59 So the woman's house of detention, I just can't believe this, was eventually shut down in 1972. 40 years, 40 years it was open. And oddly enough, in that same year, the first issue of Ms. Magazine was published. And according to an article in the New York Times, this is how they described it. A publication for women whose interest went beyond the limits of home and husband. Report an error in the passage at 22:59 Highlight the passage at 22:59

23:27 I love that. Let me say, I know, right? God forbid your interest should go beyond home and husband. But in these, I live in San Francisco at an old apartment building that City Center, Sand Center owns. And in this small room, which I guess must have been the kitchen, I mean, I'm sorry, the dining area, it's really small. Report an error in the passage at 23:27 Highlight the passage at 23:27

23:54 And there's this door, you open this little door, and there's a electrical outlet at this height of the door on the wall. And you open it, and guess what falls out? An ironing board. Right? So the only electrical outlet in this little office, this little room, is at the height so that your iron could be plugged in. I'm like, wow, this really is... Report an error in the passage at 23:54 Highlight the passage at 23:54

24:23 You can remove the ironing board. Some people have done some interesting things with this little ironing board closet. But I'm just leaving it there to remind me of this. Right? The ironing board. There. There you go. Right? So... Report an error in the passage at 24:23 Highlight the passage at 24:23

24:43 The co-founders of the magazine decided to use the title Ms. because it described a woman without reference to her marital status. Not surprisingly, it was banned from some libraries and newsstands, and I wish I could say that wasn't happening anymore, but clearly we've gone sort of full circle where this is happening again, right? Report an error in the passage at 24:43 Highlight the passage at 24:43

25:05 The administration blatantly attacking, undermining. Marginalized communities, which of course weren't born marginalized, but were marginalized by people in power. Report an error in the passage at 25:05 Highlight the passage at 25:05

25:21 So I was only five years old when this inaugural issue of Miz was published. I grew up with the word Miz as part of my vocabulary and understood its meaning. The use of the word Miz in lieu of the confining Mrs. emerged from the expansive sky consciousness of feminism. This was the beginningless beginning of breaking free. Report an error in the passage at 25:21 Highlight the passage at 25:21

25:43 From the box of gender roles. Nowadays, there are many words described the rainbow of gender identities and expressions. This new vocabulary helps me shift my perceptions, not only of myself, but of other people. Although the words we use to label this and that are empty of any meaning other than the subjective ones that we infuse them with, most of us have experienced the harm that words can cause. Report an error in the passage at 25:43 Highlight the passage at 25:43

26:10 So this ever-expanding vocabulary helps all of us view the world with this beginner's mind, where there are many possibilities, as Suzuki Roshi said. Report an error in the passage at 26:10 Highlight the passage at 26:10

26:22 In one of Ehe Dogen's fascicles, and for those of you who don't know, Ehe Dogen was a 13th century founder of Soto Zen in Japan. Report an error in the passage at 26:22 Highlight the passage at 26:22

26:34 In one of his fascicles titled Receiving the Marrow by Bowing, Dogen chastises male monks who discriminate against female teachers. Report an error in the passage at 26:34 Highlight the passage at 26:34

26:44 He says, why are men special? Emptiness is emptiness. This dependent co-arising, these three marks of existence, is not self-characteristic. Four great elements are four great elements. Five aggregates are five aggregates. Both women are just like that. Empty, five aggregates. Both men and women attain the way. You should honor the attainment of the way. Do not discriminate between men and women. Report an error in the passage at 26:44 Highlight the passage at 26:44

27:16 This is the most wondrous principle of the Buddha way. This is Dogen's beginner mind in action, going against the fixed views of women and men and reminding his disciples that the enlightened mind has no characteristics. So Zazen or Siddhi meditation helps to cultivate this beginner's mind because, as I said earlier, we're becoming more and more intimate with this ever-changing state of our internal world. Report an error in the passage at 27:16 Highlight the passage at 27:16

27:45 The more spaciousness we experience with what's arising internally, whether it's pleasant or unpleasant, the more spaciousness we have for allowing others to have their own experience and authentically express themselves without trying to control them. Usually we try to control people because we want to feel a certain way. We don't want to be activated by... Report an error in the passage at 27:45 Highlight the passage at 27:45

28:14 Their personalities, their behavior. So often we try to control people to feel, to soothe ourselves in some way. That's one way I view control. Of course, we're also trying to control ourselves, which is no bueno. A beginner's mind is also necessary to investigate our projections and assumptions about other people, especially those whom we disagree with or harbor ill will toward. Report an error in the passage at 28:14 Highlight the passage at 28:14

28:44 No matter someone's political beliefs, religious traditions, or cultural heritage, we all experience suffering, right? The first noble truth, there is suffering, and there is causes and conditions that give a rise to suffering, the second noble truth. We are all trying to find happiness and contentment. We are all trying to care for our family and friends. If our practice doesn't extend the rainbow as a bridge to all sentient beings, Then we are stuck in the binary box of us versus them. Report an error in the passage at 28:44 Highlight the passage at 28:44

29:21 There are many myths about rainbows in different cultures. Some view them as serpent dragons that are evil and dangerous to humans. Some view them as a belt, a belt of heaven or God. One particularly pertinent and fascinating myth is that rainbows are androgynous, that they represent and possess female and male qualities. Report an error in the passage at 29:21 Highlight the passage at 29:21

29:47 The other myth that I came across, there's a whole article about this in JSTOR. Somebody wrote, I think, like a dissertation on folklore around rainbows. Yeah, so the other myth that I came across that's common to countries as diverse as Bulgaria, Serbia, Australia, Greece, and sub-Saharan Africa is that if a person jumps over a rainbow or walks under one, They will transform from a boy to a girl or a girl to a boy. I think that's just an extraordinary myth. And maybe it's not a myth. Report an error in the passage at 29:47 Highlight the passage at 29:47

30:25 It's also really impossible to walk under a rainbow or to jump over one. So, you know, I guess it's okay to have that kind of myth. Report an error in the passage at 30:25 Highlight the passage at 30:25

30:36 So these myths remind me that when we solidify our perceptions of others, right, we like to use this word. Sometimes we have this word reify. No one ever explained it when I first started practicing. Reify. And I didn't think to look it up for some reason. But it means like to make solid, to make something real or substantial. Report an error in the passage at 30:36 Highlight the passage at 30:36

30:56 I like to use this word concretize. Like how do I concretize myself? And when I'm concretizing myself, that concretizes everybody else. They have to be a certain way. So the more that we can be with this ever-changing body-mind, Report an error in the passage at 30:56 Highlight the passage at 30:56

31:15 Then we have the spaciousness to be with other people who are changing as well, not separate from us, not separate. It's important to remember that. Zen is a practice of moving beyond the binary and manifesting the mystery of making the invisible visible in the sunlight of celebration. Report an error in the passage at 31:15 Highlight the passage at 31:15

31:43 As Reverend Zenju Earthland-Manuel says, Zen is for those who thrive on the intangible, the ambiguous, the amorphous. We are stars forever suspended in nowhere. You can't really see them. You can only experience it after some time of walking the path. So I hope that as we continue to walk on this path, we walk side by side under many, many rainbows, forever suspended nowhere. Report an error in the passage at 31:43 Highlight the passage at 31:43

32:24 Nowhere in the vast sky of consciousness. Thank Report an error in the passage at 32:24 Highlight the passage at 32:24

32:33 you very much for your kind attention. Report an error in the passage at 32:33 Highlight the passage at 32:33

32:39 Now I believe that we have a question and a response. And the Eno has this wonderful handheld microphone. Hello, people on Zoom. Sorry, I didn't say hello earlier so that the people on Zoom can also hear the question. Hi. Hi. Report an error in the passage at 32:39 Highlight the passage at 32:39

33:02 I started protesting with an upside-down pot and my hairbrush when I was in sixth grade because I had a twin brother. And to me, everything he did was fun. And everything I had to do, clean the house, do the dishes. I just said, that's not right. And so I protested. And after some time, my mom and dad started letting me do what I wanted to do, which I was very grateful. Report an error in the passage at 33:02 Highlight the passage at 33:02

33:32 Were you banging on the pot? That would have made you change your mind probably more quickly. And I had a little chant that I made up. I don't remember it now, but I got my way. Report an error in the passage at 33:32 Highlight the passage at 33:32

33:46 Yes, tormenting parents is always a good technique. The problem was school. I wanted to play basketball and they didn't offer it to girls. But I did everything else that they allowed girls to play, which was nice. Tennis, modern dance. way. Report an error in the passage at 33:46 Highlight the passage at 33:46

34:02 Gymnastics, track, swimming. So I got to do some things, but I wanted to play basketball. Understood. Still time, huh? Well, yeah, sure. Anyway, so I mean, I had crushes on boys, but I just felt boys really had it. They had freedom to do whatever they wanted. That's what I felt too. Yeah. So I was a tomboy. My mom was... Demi girl. Report an error in the passage at 34:02 Highlight the passage at 34:02

34:32 Demi girl. D-E-M, like demigod. Demigirl. Demigirl. Demigirl. So my mom whispered in my ear, you're smarter than the average girl. Tomboys are smarter than the average girl. So I always never felt bad about it. Anyway, there you go. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. I see there's a question over there and then one in the back. Report an error in the passage at 34:32 Highlight the passage at 34:32

35:09 Thank you for the talk. Could you talk more about the five aggregates, like the metaphor? It really resonated. Report an error in the passage at 35:09 Highlight the passage at 35:09

35:22 There's, excuse me, this aspect of human mind consciousness that you can experiment with this on your own and if you're meditating or even if you're not meditating, if you just have a quiet moment, what arises in all of our senses, right? So our ears hear sounds, our nose smells. Our eyes see forms. You're all forms. I'm form, form. We can taste things in our skin, the largest organ, sense organ. Report an error in the passage at 35:22 Highlight the passage at 35:22

36:00 So whatever arises in these sense consciousnesses is processed by the mind. And the mind is also a sense organ, which I also find to be very transformative teaching. So the mind is this sixth sense organ. So whatever is arising in these other sense doors is processed by the mind. So sometimes what happens, I would say sometimes, like almost all the time what happens, is the mind makes associations with what's arising. Report an error in the passage at 36:00 Highlight the passage at 36:00

36:39 So some of those associations, you could say are memories. Sometimes if you smell something or you hear something. A memory shows up from the past or sometimes a projection into the future shows up because you hear something or smell something or read something and then your mind is running. It thinks it's going somewhere but you're really still right here in the present moment. So what can happen, which does happen, is there's a way that consciousness makes a me out of what's arising in these sense doors and it strings together a narrative. Report an error in the passage at 36:39 Highlight the passage at 36:39

37:18 So the mind associates, that's what it does. The mind's sense objects are thoughts and images, and it makes stories. I am Heather, I am a tomboy. I used to be heterosexual, and then somehow I'm married to a woman. There's a story. There's validity to those stories, and if we're not suffering because of those stories, that's okay. Report an error in the passage at 37:18 Highlight the passage at 37:18

37:47 But a lot of those old narratives about who we are, what we should be, cause us suffering. So there's what I call this selfing, again, a verb, this dynamicism of self, selfing suffering. There's a selfing suffering cycle. So often we believe those stories, those narratives, they become really, we constrict around it instead of having this flowing experience of what's arising. Report an error in the passage at 37:47 Highlight the passage at 37:47

38:14 With these thoughts, we make them into a me. This is who I am, right? I'm supposed to be a girl who's not better at playing baseball than everybody else. All the guys who get to play baseball, right? Which I wasn't better than everyone, but I was pretty good, right? So yeah, we have stories. Creates a sense of me, a continuous, a sense of a continuous me that's independent from everyone else and independent, separate from what's arising in our perceptual process. Report an error in the passage at 38:14 Highlight the passage at 38:14

38:43 I don't know if that's helpful. Yeah. Thank you for your question. Report an error in the passage at 38:43 Highlight the passage at 38:43

38:52 Rick on the other side of the altar there. Report an error in the passage at 38:52 Highlight the passage at 38:52

39:03 Hi Heather. Hi. Report an error in the passage at 39:03 Highlight the passage at 39:03

39:09 It's so refreshing to see another rainbow being up there. Thank you so much for being here and being like brave enough and practice enough to be. um... Report an error in the passage at 39:09 Highlight the passage at 39:09

39:27 Thank you for sharing your story. As you were sharing your first experience of shame, I recalled this experience that I had in first grade. Report an error in the passage at 39:27 Highlight the passage at 39:27

39:44 I'm the youngest quote unquote girl of a family of five boys. And in first grade, I would steal my brother's clothes all the way down to their underwear and stuff it in my backpack and go to school and right when I got dropped off I would change in the bathroom. Report an error in the passage at 39:44 Highlight the passage at 39:44

40:07 And there was this one other girl boy looking kid who asked me if I was a boy or a girl and I was like I'm a boy. And I was like lying and living this double life as a five year old as a little boy. And then my teacher told my mom and I got in big trouble and I got grounded and she started checking my backpack before going to school. Report an error in the passage at 40:07 Highlight the passage at 40:07

40:33 And what really hurt the most was when my brothers found out and they laughed at me. And so now I am just a little adult boy-girl thing and I'm still reconciling with Report an error in the passage at 40:33 Highlight the passage at 40:33

41:20 how do you reconcile if you do something like... Picking a new pronoun, like they, them pronouns, within Zen practice, I wondered if it's like I'm taking on something new to believe, or some new identity, or some new box. Report an error in the passage at 41:20 Highlight the passage at 41:20

41:53 And then there's also the belief that I'm unlocking myself from this other box that I've been trapped in. So I wonder if you can speak to that. Report an error in the passage at 41:53 Highlight the passage at 41:53

42:08 Thank you for your honesty. And I'm always impressed with little kids' ingenuity and resilience, getting around some of the adult ways that they're trying to keep you in a box. Report an error in the passage at 42:08 Highlight the passage at 42:08

42:29 So all the boxes are bogus, insubstantial. And I want to say something about words, using words. So these concepts that the mind comes up with, they don't have any meaning, right? As I said in the talk. But also, they don't experience each other. It's not like he, him, she, her, they, them pronouns. Like, no, no, no, I can't stand she, her pronouns. I can't stand they, them pronouns. They're just words. Report an error in the passage at 42:29 Highlight the passage at 42:29

43:07 Easier, you know, language helps us to communicate with each other. We're not, we can't just say, hi, Abhijit, you mutual complex of mutual phenomena interacting with this, right? So they're just handles, right? It's just a handle that makes it helpful. But at the same time, we start to believe those concepts, that they're real, right? Report an error in the passage at 43:07 Highlight the passage at 43:07

43:31 And we forget that those concepts are not real. They're not who we are. It's just a label. So the whole universe is right here. The whole universe right here, the whole universe everywhere. And sentient and non-sentient beings. So you can just investigate for yourself if they, them pronouns feel closer to your heart, more in alignment with who you are, then use those. Report an error in the passage at 43:31 Highlight the passage at 43:31

43:59 And if they don't, they don't. Just try not to overanalyze whether or not you're putting yourself I think belonging starts here with this integration, right? With the integration that meditation does help with, somatic therapy helps with. Being in nature is extraordinary, right? The belonging that we feel, some of us feel in nature. I never really, I mean, when I was a kid, I was always climbing trees and felt very... Report an error in the passage at 43:59 Highlight the passage at 43:59

44:33 Supported by this Japanese magnolia in my front yard. I loved hanging out there on its gigantic limbs. So don't overthink, right? It's like watch how we put ourselves, watch how we believe the boxes when there aren't any boxes. And yes, we can still be hurt by people's words. And when we're activated, when we feel hurt, that's also a place for us to look, to see. Report an error in the passage at 44:33 Highlight the passage at 44:33

45:00 What's being illuminated? Where are some pain contractions? Because we're responsible for our liberation. Until we take that responsibility, we won't be free. And this freedom is a moment, moment, daily, sometimes not daily experience. It's not like you're free and then you're forever free. So we investigate when we feel hurt by someone's words or deeds, whether or not they apologize. Report an error in the passage at 45:00 Highlight the passage at 45:00

45:29 apologize, we try to resolve that here, looking to see what's going on for us. And all that investigation, which really, if we can drop below the conceptual mind, below the labels, and try to experience what's going on in our bodies. Report an error in the passage at 45:29 Highlight the passage at 45:29

45:46 That can be helpful, can be really transformative to be with this emotion commotion in the body and dropping out of those concepts. I don't know if that's helpful or not. Very helpful. Thank you so much. Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 45:46 Highlight the passage at 45:46

46:13 Hello. Hello. This is my first time here, so thanks for having me. Yes, welcome. I have two sons, four and two, so little ones. My four-year-old occasionally will say, I am a girl. And at school, he has said to his friends, I'm a princess. And one little girl said, you can't be a princess. You can only be a king. And so it's four-year-olds, right? Report an error in the passage at 46:13 Highlight the passage at 46:13

46:41 It's Walt Disney is what it is. I just don't know how to support him in any way. He is four. I just don't know how to support him. So my question to you is how would you have wanted your parents to support you at that age? Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 46:41 Highlight the passage at 46:41

47:05 Well, just the fact that you're even asking the question how you can support your four-year-old is wonderful. Fortunately, Report an error in the passage at 47:05 Highlight the passage at 47:05

47:41 My mom. Yeah, my mom also seemed very supportive with the dress thing. I think what, you know, because she really didn't like this word tomboy, because she would say to people, well, why are you calling her tomboy just because she wants to climb trees or dig in the dirt? Like, so she was already pushing up against that. So for the two of them, it didn't seem like a big deal if I wanted to play sports or climb a tree or so that was really fortunate for me. Report an error in the passage at 47:41 Highlight the passage at 47:41

48:14 But that wasn't maybe the way other people in the neighborhood perceived me. I don't know. So I'm not a parent, so I will super tiptoe gently into the waters of offering advice as a non-parent to a parent. Report an error in the passage at 48:14 Highlight the passage at 48:14

48:35 In some ways, perhaps, I think it's really helpful for parents to drop expectations of their children. You can't control what the teachers are doing or what other little four-year-olds say. So then, but perhaps just affirming, well, you feel like a princess. How do you feel like a princess? What does it mean for you to feel like a princess? What does that feel like? Just, I think, and again, I don't know because I'm not a parent, but I do think that sometimes maybe we're afraid to affirm something out of the norm like that because then it might mean that the child will grow up to be. Report an error in the passage at 48:35 Highlight the passage at 48:35

49:21 Queer or gay, which who cares anyway, right? But just saying is maybe not prohibiting that. Just saying, oh, you feel like a princess. What does that feel like? And also, how do you feel when other people, when little kids, when your friends say that you can't be a princess? Just have them start. Children are very attuned. Have him look at what does it feel like? Report an error in the passage at 49:21 Highlight the passage at 49:21

49:49 What does it feel like? Maybe he can draw it. Maybe he can. Express himself in some way. And does it mean that he's queer or whatever, or he's a girl? Who knows? I don't know. I mean, he's very young. I don't know if that's helpful. It just feels like I don't really have a concrete response other than just keep loving him, supporting him, dropping your expectations of who you think he should be. Report an error in the passage at 49:49 Highlight the passage at 49:49

50:13 Just prevent him from burning his hand, scraping. I think a good scraping of the knee is okay. A little outdoor adventure. It's helpful. So I just want to see what that feels like. Because my mom, I never really wanted dolls because my brothers didn't have dolls. And I only wanted T-shirts that had pockets, like my brothers. And maybe as a child, I already knew that the power in my family lied, lied, laid, was with the men. Report an error in the passage at 50:13 Highlight the passage at 50:13

50:46 And in my whole neighborhood, which is very Roman Catholic, patriarchal. Report an error in the passage at 50:46 Highlight the passage at 50:46

50:53 And I remember she did her best to sort of fight with the way people were trying to box me in. And one time when she did put me in a dress for Thanksgiving, you know, I was maybe like three or four, and I had those ruffle underwears on, right? I don't know if guys know about the ruffle underwear. But for girls back then, and maybe even still, there's like these ruffles on the back of your tights. Report an error in the passage at 50:53 Highlight the passage at 50:53

51:22 Right? And then go, anyway, it's a little TMI here. I don't have them on now, just saying. I've outgrown the ruffles. But my mother, she put me in this dress for Thanksgiving. We went over to my father's sister's. They just live down the street. And I didn't want to be in the ruffle underwear dress thing, so I sat under the table the whole time for Thanksgiving dinner. Report an error in the passage at 51:22 Highlight the passage at 51:22

51:48 And my father's sisters were like, Why don't you, Heather should be, she should get out from under the table. And my mom's like, I just kept feeding you under the table. She's like, what is the big deal? She's just a kid. Can't she just eat under the table? Like there was, did that mean, what did that mean anyway? Report an error in the passage at 51:48 Highlight the passage at 51:48

52:07 Like everyone was freaked out. And my mom was like, whatever. She could just eat under the table. So for me, I feel really fortunate that my mom took a lot of, you know. She was protecting me that way and was trying to figure out why is everyone freaking out? It's a kid. So looking at our own sense of what we think are the norms, that's how people become marginalized. Report an error in the passage at 52:07 Highlight the passage at 52:07

52:29 There really aren't any marginalized beings. And the marginalized beings start here. People who marginalize others, there's parts of themselves that they're marginalizing. Report an error in the passage at 52:29 Highlight the passage at 52:29

52:41 And maybe you talk to your son's teachers. You know, and ask and see, really see if he's being bullied or he's being, if something going on for him at school. Because I think it's, obviously, you know, that's really important. Report an error in the passage at 52:41 Highlight the passage at 52:41

52:57 So, yeah, it's like if my mom freaked out, like, and also your reaction to him is really important. If my mom's like, Heather, get out from underneath the table. You're such a little, I didn't experience that at all. She just really learned that I didn't want to be in her dress. Report an error in the passage at 52:57 Highlight the passage at 52:57

53:16 And unfortunately for her, I was her first daughter, and she really wanted a girl, so I was like this, you know, she really did her best to try to put me in a dress. But I went to Catholic schools. I was in a skirt all the time, of course. So anyway, I would just say maybe relax a little bit about how he feels about himself. Report an error in the passage at 53:16 Highlight the passage at 53:16

53:36 Just let him feel. Thank you. Thank you, Mom. Report an error in the passage at 53:36 Highlight the passage at 53:36

53:44 I think we have time for one more question. Aloha. Report an error in the passage at 53:44 Highlight the passage at 53:44

54:20 But she's never been come out to me, you know. It's just I always knew she was a rainbow. I really love that reference. And obviously I'm letting it all, my grief, you know, my hopes and dreams for her out right now. But I was thinking that... Report an error in the passage at 54:20 Highlight the passage at 54:20

54:46 Um, that, you My meditation teacher is always talking about, well, that's your conditioning, and I sort of feel shame. I feel ashamed that I'm letting this conditioning get to me, but I thought, well, I can just think of myself as a rainbow. There's just all those little parts, and that just kind of makes me feel better rather than black and white, and I should be white, but I'm black. Report an error in the passage at 54:46 Highlight the passage at 54:46

55:15 block and if I just think of myself as a rainbow and just all those little parts of my conditioning and my new and old self together I thought that might help me so Thank you for that reference. I again live in Hawaii up in the mountains. I see a rainbow outside my window every other day. Wonderful. I appreciate that. Thank you. Report an error in the passage at 55:15 Highlight the passage at 55:15

55:43 And. I want to say something about shame for a second. I'll only take a second to talk about shame. So let me, is that, do you just pay attention to where you feel that shame? And usually shame just keeps us from actually feeling deeper emotions, something under that. And it's really difficult often to express ourselves because the shame wants to keep us trapped, right? Report an error in the passage at 55:43 Highlight the passage at 55:43

56:16 And I offered this talk the other day here. And I use this. I'm not a 12-stepper, but I'm 12-step adjacent. And that's a word I love that the younger people use, right? Adjacent. So 12-step adjacent. I've heard this phrase, don't should on me and I won't should on you. And I just love that. Just noticing when we're shoulding on ourselves. Report an error in the passage at 56:16 Highlight the passage at 56:16

56:38 Just noticing that. And can we just notice that? When it arises, those thoughts that we should feel a certain way or we shouldn't feel this way or beating yourself up because there's this conditioning which you're not really in control of how you were conditioned when you were younger, just notice that. Report an error in the passage at 56:38 Highlight the passage at 56:38

56:57 Just hold that loosely like those rainbow speckles. Just loose and see what emotion commotion is under all that. That's where the transformation is, below the neck. Just dropping those ideas. Report an error in the passage at 56:57 Highlight the passage at 56:57

57:13 Dropping those ideas and just being with what's going on in the moment. And that helps us with all the other successive moments. Being as present as we can in this moment, as true to ourselves in this moment, affects the next moment of consciousness. So rainbow consciousness this moment, rainbow consciousness the next moment. Report an error in the passage at 57:13 Highlight the passage at 57:13

57:34 Thank you. Mahalo. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma. Report an error in the passage at 57:34 Highlight the passage at 57:34