Not Taking What Is Not Given

0:00 This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:18 morning everyone great to have you here on a beautiful and cloudy green gulch day um thank you to um abajiri you for inviting me and for the head of practice here um eli brown stevenson latonto and our eno for keeping me so well taken care of cam and my jisha everett Thank you all for coming here. My name is Michael McCord. I do reside. I'm usually at City Center in San Francisco, which is one of our three temples that make up San Francisco Zen Center, and I work in administration there. Report an error in the passage at 0:18 Highlight the passage at 0:18

1:02 So usually this time of year we talk about our Zenathon. That is what's going on outside. You'll see some promos for Zenathon. The athon usually means that there's some activities that happen around it. There's an activity here on the 31st, I believe, and some other things happening. And usually we talk about one of the paramitas, which is the perfections, the perfections of dharma or generosity, something that aligns with that. Report an error in the passage at 1:02 Highlight the passage at 1:02

1:33 And this morning, I'm not going to talk about that. But there is something that I've found really interesting over the last several years of turning the precepts over with students. And if any of you ever want to study the precepts or just know the basics of what's going on in the Soto Zen Buddhist practice, you can talk to any of the teachers. Report an error in the passage at 1:33 Highlight the passage at 1:33

1:56 It's not a commitment that you have to necessarily take the vows publicly. I've gone through them with several students that didn't, but some that did. But they're really good things to live by, if you will. And when you start getting into them, you realize that they're all kind of the same thing. how do I Report an error in the passage at 1:56 Highlight the passage at 1:56

2:17 So that I can help other people suffer less and thrive more. And then they all kind of intertwine once you get down into the roots of them. But there's one that really corresponds with and intersects with well this paramita of dharma or generosity that doesn't so much look like it on the surface because it's kind of the opposite. Report an error in the passage at 2:17 Highlight the passage at 2:17

2:41 And it is the vow to not take what is not given. I vow not to take what is not given. And so I think for most folks, if you grow up in a place that there is at least your basic necessities taken care of, and in this world there are plenty of places where that's not the case, but in a lot of places in the U.S., a lot of folks have at least the basics taken care of. Report an error in the passage at 2:41 Highlight the passage at 2:41

3:08 And if you're in that fortunate place, then you look at that precept and you say, well, I'm really not inclined to steal. Report an error in the passage at 3:08 Highlight the passage at 3:08

3:19 Maybe I fudge some things here or there, but I could work on that. But I'm not going to leave here and see if anyone's guarding a nice statue on the altar or whether or not someone's going to take the donation box when they leave. These are not the normal temptations, let's say, of the folks that are usually here at Green Gulch. But not taking what is not given implies something. Report an error in the passage at 3:19 Highlight the passage at 3:19

3:49 That people might, as humans, want something that they don't have. I mean, why would that be a precept if everyone always felt like they had whatever they needed? So this implies that maybe we might not have what we need, or we might not feel like we have what we need. Report an error in the passage at 3:49 Highlight the passage at 3:49

4:20 So where does this sense of scarcity come from? The sense that I need to add something to myself that I'm not getting. And the physical objects we just talked about, but... What I want to turn over this morning has to do with what's usually coming up when we do precept study around, I vow not to take what is not given, is that with the gifts that people are giving me, how they show up, their awarenesses, their habits, how they treat me, how they treat you, what they pay attention to, the gifts that they are giving are not adequate. Report an error in the passage at 4:20 Highlight the passage at 4:20

5:01 Have you ever felt that way? That you wish that your mom was a different mom in some ways. You wish that your friend was a different friend. You wish your supervisor was a different supervisor. Even that friend that you really like, they've got these three things, how they show up. You just wish that they were giving a different gift. You feel like I need something different from this person. Has anybody in this room ever not felt that way? Report an error in the passage at 5:01 Highlight the passage at 5:01

5:30 I need something different from this person. We had somebody in the back that had never felt that way, and that's great. I'm going to have to find exactly what they're doing. That's pretty equanimous. So in the area that this is the real practice for me, maybe for you and for the students I've been talking to, it really has to do with, in many cases, a sense of lack. Report an error in the passage at 5:30 Highlight the passage at 5:30

5:58 lack of what the people around me are providing in regard to their treatment of me, of others, their awarenesses, their skills, their habits, how they basically show up, the gifts that they give the world. Have you ever heard the phrase that your entire purpose in life and a spiritual path is just to figure out how to give your gift? Report an error in the passage at 5:58 Highlight the passage at 5:58

6:21 How to give your gift, what it is that you bring to the world, how to give your gift. But then you see other people giving their gifts, and I don't know if you've ever been around Buddhist saṅghas long enough, but you'll find somebody in the saṅgha that you're just not exactly sure that they're even trying to give their gift. Report an error in the passage at 6:21 Highlight the passage at 6:21

6:39 You ever felt that way? What's going on here? The way that they're impacting me and the other people. And then when I look inside, why do I care? Report an error in the passage at 6:39 Highlight the passage at 6:39

6:53 There's some lack in here. I want a different gift. So how do we show up? care. Well, I want that. I Report an error in the passage at 6:53 Highlight the passage at 6:53

7:02 And start turning over and working with, I vow not to take what is not given. Well, just like in many spiritual practices or in even recovery practices, whether it be NA or AA or any of those sorts of things, Al-Anon. Report an error in the passage at 7:02 Highlight the passage at 7:02

7:22 Like in AA, they have this, you know, we deal with a lot of, there's even recovery meetings in our different temples, and they have 12 steps for recovery of alcoholism. Report an error in the passage at 7:22 Highlight the passage at 7:22

7:33 And 11 and a half of them have nothing to do with alcohol. Report an error in the passage at 7:33 Highlight the passage at 7:33

7:40 They have to do with the spiritual condition, what you do. So if we have a don't, don't drink alcohol, or we have a don't take what is not given, then what's the do? What are the things that I do? Well, I accept what is given. Oh, I accept what is given. Report an error in the passage at 7:40 Highlight the passage at 7:40

8:01 And where do I start with this? Where do I start with accepting what is given? Because we know what it's like when I'm not getting from my supervisor or my colleagues. Or somebody in my neighborhood, what I want them to be giving me. We know what that feeling's like. And that can be a very interesting study to even the next time that that happens, just notice what's the somatic experience. Report an error in the passage at 8:01 Highlight the passage at 8:01

8:26 Like, where do I hold that? Like, yeah, I'm not getting what I want to be given by the bus driver, by my colleagues, by the customer service person. And they have to understand that I already paid for these four pairs of socks, but one of them is just... All the little ways in which we want people to show up and they're not showing up. Report an error in the passage at 8:26 Highlight the passage at 8:26

8:54 What is the somatic experience? Where do I hold that? Do any mental formations come up consistently when people show up in a way that I don't want them to be showing up or when they're not giving what I think they should? Report an error in the passage at 8:54 Highlight the passage at 8:54

9:13 Years ago, I was living in the Middle East and... You know, I've noticed the older I get, the more I start stories with years ago. How about just at one time? At one time that's not now, in the past, I was living in the Middle East, in Amman, Jordan. And I was living there as a volunteer for a non-profit. And the person that was the head of the center, he and I were co-workers. Report an error in the passage at 9:13 Highlight the passage at 9:13

9:47 We both worked for a foundation. Report an error in the passage at 9:47 Highlight the passage at 9:47

9:54 His name was Nazi Hijazi, literally spelled Nazi, N-A-Z-I. And Nazi, I guess you'd say he was an angry person. He was not terribly happy with a lot of things. And he liked to chain smoke. And this was 19, well, it was the early 90s. And so I'm not sure how it is in Amman, Jordan now, but back then, everybody smoked everywhere and no one even thought of it. Report an error in the passage at 9:54 Highlight the passage at 9:54

10:24 There was even an ashtray next to the bench press in my local gym. And he got in the truck every day. He would stop by and pick me up. And we would drive 30 miles out into the desert through these little windy roads, about a 40-minute trip. And this was going to be my day. And on the very first day I got in, and Nazi got in the vehicle, or I got in the vehicle. Report an error in the passage at 10:24 Highlight the passage at 10:24

10:46 He was already there. Windows were up, and he's smoking. And he says hello and then starts to drive. and um He instantly starts telling me all the things that are wrong with his co-workers, his wife, the government, his neighbors, and just kind of ranting the whole way there and like chain smoking and shifting. Report an error in the passage at 10:46 Highlight the passage at 10:46

11:05 And I thought, this is going to be a long year. This is going to be a long year. And Nazi was giving me a gift that I did not want. He was showing up in a way that I did not care for. I did not want what he had. And how am I going to tolerate this all year long? And something dawned on me, and I'm not exactly sure why or how, but maybe it was just out of sheer survival. Report an error in the passage at 11:05 Highlight the passage at 11:05

11:41 But I thought, how am I going to make the best of this situation? Is there something here that I can focus on besides my disdain for Nazi's basic manifestation of everything? And I realized that You know, I could ask him questions and maybe we could just, you know, start talking about different things or find something in common. So it was my goal in the first 90 seconds when I got into the truck to find something that we could focus on, find something we could share. Report an error in the passage at 11:41 Highlight the passage at 11:41

12:15 And after a period of time, we actually started to have some conversations that I enjoyed. And every day I would get in the truck and I didn't smoke, but he'd offer me a cigarette and I would say no. And then we'd have our routine. And then I would roll down the window a little bit. And then we'd drive. And then he'd start telling me a story about what was wrong with his kid's school administrator. Report an error in the passage at 12:15 Highlight the passage at 12:15

12:34 And then we would get off on some subject. But I'd always try to find some sort of way to find something I agreed with, empathize with, and turn it into something. And quit thinking about the thing that I'm not being given. Now, this was a very extreme circumstance. And maybe I did it out of just... Report an error in the passage at 12:34 Highlight the passage at 12:34

12:52 I'm not sure how much it was initially just about Nazi, so I'm not trying to paint it that way. But at the end of the year, we kind of got used to it after I was there for a year. And every day, you know, we had these conversations. They kind of got to be pretty fun. You know, they got to be mildly tolerable, I would say. And even on the last day, I even smoked a cigarette with him, you know. Report an error in the passage at 12:52 Highlight the passage at 12:52

13:15 And then he dropped me off on the last day and he said, Michael, I have enjoyed this year. In fact, you might be my best friend. And I was just like floored. And I realized that probably with Nazi's temper and manner, no one had ever really taken the time to just be with him. Now, I was largely doing that out of self-preservation. Report an error in the passage at 13:15 Highlight the passage at 13:15

13:44 That impact stayed with me. And years later, when I was studying the precepts of I vow not to take what is not given, I started to think about the vow of I accept what is given. I accept what is given. Now, this is kind of like a default stance. It's not to say I approve of what's given. That's a totally different thing. Report an error in the passage at 13:44 Highlight the passage at 13:44

14:09 And if what's being given is something that's abusive or what have you, I'm not talking about bad boundaries. But I will postulate this to you. The more that someone is working from I accept what is given, the more clarity someone will have in setting appropriate boundaries at the appropriate time. Because I'm not going to be a reactionary. Report an error in the passage at 14:09 Highlight the passage at 14:09

14:31 I'm going to actually be using discernment in the moment to be working with the thing as it's unfolding and not on autopilot that I'm just in aversion and I don't like the thing that the person is manifesting. Now, when I first started sewing my rakasu after doing precept study with my teacher, You might have seen the rakusus. They're kind of the little, they look like bibs, and there's five panels, and they are arranged in the same order that you would have the rice fields in China. Report an error in the passage at 14:31 Highlight the passage at 14:31

15:03 And you pour water in one end, and because of their levels, the water or the dharma would flow all the way throughout the other side. It's a wonderful practice. You take refuge in Buddha, dharma, and saṅgha with each stitch as you sew it. And there's no sewing machines. You learn how to thread needles, and you learn how to go through the whole process. Report an error in the passage at 15:03 Highlight the passage at 15:03

15:22 of old world craftspersonship. I'm going to show up in some sort of way, you know. And I'm going to have some sort of ability to show up in some sort of way. And so I was at Tassajara and it was time for me to be sewing my rakasu. And I noticed that after sewing for three or four sessions, I put it down and didn't go back to the sewing class. And I didn't go back for probably about six months. Report an error in the passage at 15:22 Highlight the passage at 15:22

16:11 And then Steph Wenderski lives here. She came there for the practice period. She's a sewing teacher here now. She actually encouraged me to get back to sewing. And it made me think of, why don't I want to sew? I mean, I always thought that I looked forward to this. And so the next time I was in class, I noticed that actually what was going on was anger. Report an error in the passage at 16:11 Highlight the passage at 16:11

16:34 I thought, now that's weird. I'm here sewing Buddha's robe. and it's really Everyone's quiet and calm. You'd think this would be a great place to be really rejuvenating yourself or whatever. Many people sew for recreation. Report an error in the passage at 16:34 Highlight the passage at 16:34

16:53 And it's winding me up. I'm feeling angry. And I realized I have an expectation that I'm going to be good at this. And quite frankly, I might be stunningly average at best. In fact, I might be less than average in regard to the ability to just... I didn't accept myself in regard to how I manifested in the universe. Report an error in the passage at 16:53 Highlight the passage at 16:53

17:23 And this is usually the clue or the starting place, let's say, of where people start to work on this, is with themselves. How I show up and give my gifts. Report an error in the passage at 17:23 Highlight the passage at 17:23

17:35 How is it that I am with the people around me? Do I feel that I need to show up and perform at a certain level? In order to be accepted, respected, and honored as a human being, some performance level, how I dress, how I speak, my awareness, and are there pieces of me that I don't really think are that beautiful, strong, and brave that I try to hide because Report an error in the passage at 17:35 Highlight the passage at 17:35

18:07 I feel like I wouldn't be accepted if they were known? Report an error in the passage at 18:07 Highlight the passage at 18:07

18:14 It's almost like we need a heralder when you come into a room. You know, like the... the king or the queen or the prince or the princess, you know, before they come into a room, you know, they have the herald or the sense. You know, this person, you know, lord of this or lady of that and conqueror of this and whatever, you know, all their different titles and accomplishments. Report an error in the passage at 18:14 Highlight the passage at 18:14

18:33 So, you know, in our modern world we have, you know, our statuses. and our educations and our money and our jobs and our looks and our clothes and our personalities and our emotional intelligence and all the other things that we have that we have as far as our wonderful qualities that we try to show the What if we had no heralder and we just step into a room? Do I accept just me showing up as being enough? Report an error in the passage at 18:33 Highlight the passage at 18:33

19:08 Do I deserve to be accepted? That's usually a clue to how much I accept myself. And again, not approval. Approval is a separate thing. That's why later on we're going to get to the statement by Suzuki Roshi that is all about this. Report an error in the passage at 19:08 Highlight the passage at 19:08

19:26 You are perfect just as you are. And each of you could use a little improvement. The first part of that is where it starts. That I am accepted, I am a human, and I don't need a heralder to enter a room. Report an error in the passage at 19:26 Highlight the passage at 19:26

19:44 I don't need to tell people about why they need to love me. Can I live with that default stance? When we walk past each other in a monastery, especially during formal times, you'll see people doing a gassho bow to each other. Report an error in the passage at 19:44 Highlight the passage at 19:44

20:03 And that's not saying I approve of everything about you. I think that every way that you show up is everything that I like. The way that you give your gift is exactly how I want you to give it. No. We do it regardless of the person, regardless of their status, 45 degree bow down, two hands together, thumbs in, fist distance relational from the tips of the fingers to the nose, a Report an error in the passage at 20:03 Highlight the passage at 20:03

20:32 formal gesture of respect and honor for your humanity, a practice for letting other people show up without a heralder. A reminder that other people don't have to give the gift that I need them to give for me to hold them with respect and honor. Doesn't mean I approve of every way that they show up. But can I start from that place? Or with some people in the Saṅgha, is that like chewing glass? With some people in my life, is that too hard? Report an error in the passage at 20:32 Highlight the passage at 20:32

21:08 These are clues to the mystery. When I am with someone and I feel that way inside, why do I not accept their gift? Again, not approve, but just accept. This is where they're at. What is the feeling of lack? Why do I need something else? Why am I focused on that? Where is my feeling of scarcity coming from? Report an error in the passage at 21:08 Highlight the passage at 21:08

21:37 And so looking at the gifts that I do not accept, what is it to not accept my own gifts? Have you ever done a personal inventory where you just write down Everything about yourself on one page that you like, you have an affinity toward. These are the things about me that I like. Then on the other page, all the other things that I don't like so much. Report an error in the passage at 21:37 Highlight the passage at 21:37

22:13 And then when you're done writing it and kind of look at it as a collage of at least my impressions of me, how Report an error in the passage at 22:13 Highlight the passage at 22:13

22:27 much of it do I hold on to as fixed truth? Report an error in the passage at 22:27 Highlight the passage at 22:27

22:33 How much of it am I afraid of other people seeing? Report an error in the passage at 22:33 Highlight the passage at 22:33

22:43 meet the moment and let it unfold. Report an error in the passage at 22:43 Highlight the passage at 22:43

23:12 is being defined by my production, then I'm already obsolete. There Report an error in the passage at 23:12 Highlight the passage at 23:12

23:22 is something else that is human that has to do with my gift, that has to do with how I show up, that has to do with the beating heart of now that I am attached to, that is actually my unique gift that I'm giving the world. And like a prism that's sitting there, it's like crystal prisms, you put them there on the ground. Report an error in the passage at 23:22 Highlight the passage at 23:22

23:43 And then the sun shines on one side, and on the other side it refracts light. Every prism has a unique refraction. Same light, different refraction. Report an error in the passage at 23:43 Highlight the passage at 23:43

23:56 We have our own gift, our own refraction to give to the world, our own unique heart. And it's not something that is bound up by defining its production. Report an error in the passage at 23:56 Highlight the passage at 23:56

24:12 It just shows up without a heralder, and it's accepted. Not necessarily approved of. I might need a little improvement. But accepted. I am perfect just as I am. Report an error in the passage at 24:12 Highlight the passage at 24:12

24:31 We talk about the giver, the receiver, and the gift. And that all of these are practices. And in this vow, if I vow not to take what is not given, it's all bound up right there in giver, receiver, and gift. Every person playing every part. And realizing how it is. that I accept and I feel and I absorb in regard to the my gift and how I'm giving it and how it appears to be my gift as though there's some sort of ownership and Report an error in the passage at 24:31 Highlight the passage at 24:31

25:13 other people, how they are giving and how I'm receiving. Am I receiving a gift? You know, when we do Orioki, if any of you have ever had the pleasure of doing Orioki, when I first did it, it just frustrated the heck out of me. And then I came to love it. Now it's one of my very favorite things to teach and do and what have you. It's eating as a meditation with three nested bowls wrapped up in cloths with chopsticks and a spoon and a little scraping utensil. Report an error in the passage at 25:13 Highlight the passage at 25:13

25:41 And in the Oriyoki ceremony, you have essentially 47 minutes of ceremony, six and a half minutes of eating. And food tastes different in Oriyoki. It just does. And in Japan, they have the takahatsu rounds where they go out with their begging bowls, and they literally just hold their bowl out, and what people give them is what they have for the day. Report an error in the passage at 25:41 Highlight the passage at 25:41

26:09 So in orioke, we are practicing giver, receiver, and gift. We are turning this over. We're getting used to receiving the gift that is being given, and we're not sitting there in a stance of trying to take what is not given. Report an error in the passage at 26:09 Highlight the passage at 26:09

26:25 And the people come and they're servers and they're supposed to sit as though we're in meditation. We're in a meditative pose, eyes degree down, 45 degree angle, not looking left or right, teeth and lips shut, tongue against the front roof of our mouth, breathing through our nose in a meditative posture. Report an error in the passage at 26:25 Highlight the passage at 26:25

26:41 And then when the people come from the left or the right, we just notice them on our peripheral vision. We don't make eye contact and we bow to them, giving them respect and honor because they're going to give us a gift. An offering, if you will. And then whatever it is that they put in my bowl, many times we even talk with students about, other than if you have a lot of allergens, if you don't, maybe just don't even look at the menu. Report an error in the passage at 26:41 Highlight the passage at 26:41

27:09 Just see what shows up. And if you can't have something because of an allergen, then take a little tiny bit. If you can't take a little tiny bit, then still hold out your bowl and give gratitude. Report an error in the passage at 27:09 Highlight the passage at 27:09

27:22 But to be in a physical stance of eating. One of the primal things of life. And to be doing it from the sense of I'm going to accept your gift. Report an error in the passage at 27:22 Highlight the passage at 27:22

27:35 I'm going to accept this offering. As a reminder for the rest of the day as I go through and intersect with the rest of the rock tumbler of the saṅgha as we soften each other's edges, that I'm going to try to receive your gift. I'm going to be like a person in a takahatsu round. With my begging bowl out, accepting what it is that you give me. Report an error in the passage at 27:35 Highlight the passage at 27:35

28:04 My teacher Ryushan Paul Haller would tell me about the times that he was in the forest monk tradition in Thailand and they would do these begging rounds and they would go around and it was integrated into the culture so people knew that at a certain time the monks would be walking around with their bowls. Report an error in the passage at 28:04 Highlight the passage at 28:04

28:25 And people would come out and they would put different things in the bowl, you know. But Ryushin said that he knew that there was this one place and every time he passed it, about every other day, they would come out and they'd put these wonderful banana chips in his bowl. And he just hoped that they would give him banana chips. But you're not supposed to ask for banana chips. But then this person opened up a shop right near the banana chips person. Report an error in the passage at 28:25 Highlight the passage at 28:25

28:54 And he was a fish person. And then he would be putting the raw fish and other things in the bowl, and people don't arrange the bowl, you just stack it up. And then he's just like, I don't want those banana chips with that fish all over it. But it's just like, okay, banana chips and fish. All right, that's going to be the thing today. And just like, you know, thank you very much. Report an error in the passage at 28:54 Highlight the passage at 28:54

29:24 And just walking. And then they would go back to the meditation hall, and they only ate once a day. They'd go back to the meditation hall, they'd have their bowl full of food, and they'd be sitting there, but you couldn't eat yet. Just like an oreoki. You know, it's like, now I want to consume my gift. I'm a receiver. I have just received. No, no, you've got to do a whole bunch of other ritual and chanting before you can eat. Report an error in the passage at 29:24 Highlight the passage at 29:24

29:49 And when he was there, he said that was the beginning of lecture. He said that they would give a dharma talk first. So just imagine that all of you now are sitting with your begging bowl and you've got your banana chips and you've got that fish sitting on top of them. But they haven't just been sitting on top of them for the last five minutes. Like this is getting near the end of the dharma talk and they're just absorbing all that fish juice, you know. And you're sitting there and you're thinking, would Michael just please finish the dharma talk? Report an error in the passage at 29:49 Highlight the passage at 29:49

30:14 Not only am I hungry, but my banana chips are getting soggy and this just isn't really what I want. This isn't how I want to be a receiver of this gift. And he said sometimes the teacher would just go on and on and on. So how is it that we receive our gifts from the people around us? I think one of the most beautiful capacities that a person can acquire and work on is the capacity to accept how others show up. Report an error in the passage at 30:14 Highlight the passage at 30:14

30:47 Again, not approve of how other people show up but accept how they show up. Because remember, we don't meet people as fixed entities. We meet them at intersections. They've been on a trajectory for a long period of time, and they might be way more tolerable and fun than they used to be. Report an error in the passage at 30:47 Highlight the passage at 30:47

31:05 Who knows? In fact, I remember asking one of the teachers when I was like a year into practice, and I really liked how they kind of were in the universe. And I said, can you tell me a story about how you used to be a real jerk? Because I don't want to know that this practice doesn't work. I would love to know that you used to not really treat people well, and now, and of course they were very humble and said, well, there's a lot of ways I don't treat people well now. Report an error in the passage at 31:05 Highlight the passage at 31:05

31:33 But yes, there has been a migration. And all of us are on a trajectory, but we meet people at intersections along their trajectory, and it's easy to feel like somebody else has a fixed property. And they might be giving a much more digestible gift than they were 10 years ago. They might be way more aware. They might have way more emotional intelligence than they used to. This might be a success story that I am encountering. Report an error in the passage at 31:33 Highlight the passage at 31:33

32:01 And if I don't let that manifest, if I have a fixed view that I know what other people's gifts are, because it's one thing to have an aversion to Nazi and his gift, but the next person that rode with him the next year, Nazi might have been a lot more tolerable. And he still might have been really hard to be with. Report an error in the passage at 32:01 Highlight the passage at 32:01

32:25 But if that person was open to a evolution, let's say, of the manifestation of Nazi, they might have grown to have some bit of appreciation for what they were intersecting with. And that gift was something that was way more digestible. In fact, there's even molecules of appreciation now crawling into the relationship. Report an error in the passage at 32:25 Highlight the passage at 32:25

32:51 Learning to have acceptance for what is, is the beginning, the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the first step in almost any program for physical fitness. Whatever it is. I was hearing a story the other day about a guy who... He really wanted to work out, but in his head, he was so beating himself up over the fact that he couldn't work out. Report an error in the passage at 32:51 Highlight the passage at 32:51

33:18 He couldn't find a way to work out. And then he kept doing this thing that was hilarious. He kept buying more and more expensive gym memberships, thinking that it would compel him to show up. And he eventually got a gym membership that he could barely afford. But he thought, now I'll really go and I'll really show up. But the thing was that... Report an error in the passage at 33:18 Highlight the passage at 33:18

33:38 He was telling the story about working with his therapist and how much he just regularly would just beat himself up and that the weight got more and more and more. He was not accepting of the fact that I am really, truly handicapped in this area and I need to start incredibly small. Report an error in the passage at 33:38 Highlight the passage at 33:38

33:57 And deciding that I'm going to go do a workout program for me, regardless of whatever it is for other people in the universe, for me is a big, big hurdle. Report an error in the passage at 33:57 Highlight the passage at 33:57

34:09 And so he created this program where he was going to get in his car, the gym was five minutes away, and every day he would drive to the gym and touch the front door and go home. Report an error in the passage at 34:09 Highlight the passage at 34:09

34:22 And that was where he started. And sometimes that's where we have to start. Just be humble. Okay, this is bigger than me. Report an error in the passage at 34:22 Highlight the passage at 34:22

34:32 The way that the person shows up at work, it overwhelms me, and all I do is just think hateful thoughts. Okay. Well, at least let's start with that's where I'm at. And then how does it feel in my body? Report an error in the passage at 34:32 Highlight the passage at 34:32

34:50 And is this really a fixed property? Or can I think, well, maybe they're getting better. Maybe they're having a hard time. Report an error in the passage at 34:50 Highlight the passage at 34:50

35:03 Maybe this is just a traumatic response from them. Report an error in the passage at 35:03 Highlight the passage at 35:03

35:08 Now, again, it's not approval. But the more that I am in acceptance, the easier I will be able to set healthy boundaries. The easier that I will not be in reactive mode. And the easier that I'll have clarity in the situation. Because if someone else is manifesting a certain way and giving their gift in a way that I don't accept, I'm essentially saying, I have already defined your gift. Report an error in the passage at 35:08 Highlight the passage at 35:08

35:37 I know what your gift is. Rather than holding it loosely and saying, this is how it appears to me right now. And having some bit of flexibility in the awareness of what I am seeing other people give. Report an error in the passage at 35:37 Highlight the passage at 35:37

35:53 And from that standpoint, it allows other people to unfold and to manifest over time. And I don't just revert back to autopilot of, oh yeah, this is how that person is, and this is how they act, and this is why, and their mother was probably whatever, and that whole thing. Report an error in the passage at 35:53 Highlight the passage at 35:53

36:12 That divorces me from the curiosity and the possibility of allowing someone else to give a dynamic gift that is actually unfolding. And maybe one day, you'll find out that, Unbeknownst to you, that person looks at you and says, I think you are my best friend. It'll shock you. Wow, something was actually going on here because I decided not to define what it was that I was seeing. Report an error in the passage at 36:12 Highlight the passage at 36:12

36:45 I'll divorce myself from my own perceptions. Yes, I realize that I have an aversion. I think that I'm correct about thus and such. But how we are with each other is oftentimes a lot like a funhouse mirror. You ever see those at the carnival, the funhouse mirrors? I mean, they're based on real things. They're based on real objects. They're just distorted. Report an error in the passage at 36:45 Highlight the passage at 36:45

37:08 They're not clear. And usually, I mean, when someone meets you for the first time, you just, you know, you just met somebody for the first time. Now you've got all this life history behind you. Okay. How would you feel if they summed you up in 10 seconds? Oh yeah, I know so-and-so. You're like, well, wait a second. Report an error in the passage at 37:08 Highlight the passage at 37:08

37:28 Hold on. I mean, you're probably working off of some real data points. But hold on. It's distorted. But we do that to each other all the time. It's based upon real objects. It's not that we're trying not to say that we're not seeing anything. We are seeing something. But keeping in mind that there could be some level of distortion. Report an error in the passage at 37:28 Highlight the passage at 37:28

38:07 So as we enter the last few weeks of Zenathon, And we look at our giving and receiving of gifts. Report an error in the passage at 38:07 Highlight the passage at 38:07

38:22 I invite all of us to notice what it feels like when I have a sense of scarcity and lack. Report an error in the passage at 38:22 Highlight the passage at 38:22

38:36 And that is what these temples are for, is for us to come in here and to be able to have things calm down a little bit, get some forms so that we can settle. The monastery has these three progressions of you settle, A whole bunch of things to help you settle and kind of calm down. And then once things settle and calm down, you can kind of get a little bit of clarity. Report an error in the passage at 38:36 Highlight the passage at 38:36

39:01 Then once things get a little bit of clarity, then you, oh, maybe I should be doing X. And then there's, you know, do I have the felicity of mind and will to do what it is that I now see? Report an error in the passage at 39:01 Highlight the passage at 39:01

39:16 That first part about settling. If I'm in a default stance of not accepting what the world is giving me, I will not be settled. Report an error in the passage at 39:16 Highlight the passage at 39:16

39:27 And if I'm not in touch with my sense of lack of what I want other people to be giving me, then I will not be able to actually let them unfold. Report an error in the passage at 39:27 Highlight the passage at 39:27

39:39 And so this is our work. This is what we're doing here. We're here trying to learn how to receive gifts, how to give gifts, how to accept our own gifts that we have to give, how to be humble about the fact that there's a lot of things that I give that I would wish I didn't. There's a lot of things that I wish I gave that I don't. Report an error in the passage at 39:39 Highlight the passage at 39:39

39:57 And yet, I don't have to worry about coming into the next room and having a heralder. I can just come in there and be me, and I will be accepted and loved. And from that standpoint, I can then start to hold other people. Report an error in the passage at 39:57 Highlight the passage at 39:57

40:14 So in this time of giving, we do invite you to literally give. We have outside some little QR codes. We have some flyers. Or if you just go to our front page at sfzc.org, you can easily see how to donate. Report an error in the passage at 40:14 Highlight the passage at 40:14

40:56 supportive and helps other people with their practice. Report an error in the passage at 40:56 Highlight the passage at 40:56

41:01 And so please look for those QR codes and how to donate outside. There's a donation box. And we will do our best to keep the doors open for the next year, 10 years, 50 years. And hopefully inviting all of you to come in and realize that this is your temple as much as anybody else's. Gringolch is just the people that are here practicing today. Report an error in the passage at 41:01 Highlight the passage at 41:01

41:24 That's all it's ever been. And we're here trying to receive each other's gift. and trying to give our own unencumbered. and I invite you to explore it with all the rest of the Saṅgha today and often to the future. So Report an error in the passage at 41:24 Highlight the passage at 41:24

41:47 I think now we do questions and answers and comments. So if you all have a question and answer or a comment, Cam will come around with a mic and we'll see what happens next. Report an error in the passage at 41:47 Highlight the passage at 41:47

42:05 Thank you for your talk. Report an error in the passage at 42:05 Highlight the passage at 42:05

42:09 At one time in your past, did you work with folks with disabilities? I did. I worked with folks that had Down syndrome and cerebral palsy in vocational training. I would love to hear stories about your work, in particular one person that may have made a profound impact on you during your work with people. Report an error in the passage at 42:09 Highlight the passage at 42:09

42:31 Yeah. Well, I mean, one of them was a young man named Jamil. And the thing that's interesting is that the folks especially that Report an error in the passage at 42:31 Highlight the passage at 42:31

43:06 Jamil grew up in a wealthy family in Amman, Jordan, who could not accept that he had any sort of impairment whatsoever. Some very accomplished parents. So they sent him to boarding school in London, and they thought that he just needed more education. And at the time when I was there about 35 years ago in Amman, the patron of the mentally handicapped or the mentally challenged was Princess Sarvath. Report an error in the passage at 43:06 Highlight the passage at 43:06

43:34 it and she was really trying to bring the country into the modern world in that way but most folks kind of hid away any family member who had those sorts of challenges and only some of them people even knew about And so they were trying to get Jamil educated. And they sent him to boarding school after boarding school in England. Report an error in the passage at 43:34 Highlight the passage at 43:34

44:02 And he probably had a 65 or 70 level IQ. And after about age 13, 14, they said, look, we're not going to keep taking your money. He really cannot do the work. In the process, though, Jamil became bilingual and became a translator. And he became unencumbered by social conventions. conventions. And he was the most wonderful translator because he He just translated it exactly like the person said. And he didn't sugarcoat it. And he was great. He would say, Michael, I was talking to Anil and Anil says that you are a horse's ass. Report an error in the passage at 44:02 Highlight the passage at 44:02

44:52 Thank you, Jamil. Report an error in the passage at 44:52 Highlight the passage at 44:52

44:58 And the capacity for forgiveness and for accepting each other was profound in that group. Even if there was a disagreement the previous day or whatever. The amount of which they would support each other and be with each other was just beautiful. Report an error in the passage at 44:58 Highlight the passage at 44:58

45:22 And we used to have to, it was an industrial woodworking shop and I was creating safe processes for them to build products. And I used to have to build safeties into the situation because there was such a capacity for meeting each thing anew. that they would get really bad repetitive stress injuries where like if you were working on an assembly line let's say for eight hours and you were just screwing in the same bolts over and over again with a ratchet after a few hours you'd kind of get bored you'd start to wander in your head and whatever you know and you might find a different way to do it or you might ask if you could you know but because the individuals with those conditions just were set Report an error in the passage at 45:22 Highlight the passage at 45:22

46:51 And you don't have to come up with like a great comment or question. You can just say anything. We'll see what happens. Thank you Report an error in the passage at 46:51 Highlight the passage at 46:51

47:13 for your talk. I don't have a question. My experience with Qigong is going to the nature and so with the wild geese, what they do is giving and receiving. So they are giving Report an error in the passage at 47:13 Highlight the passage at 47:13

47:33 They are giving by cleansing the meridians like this, yes, coming, because this is a lawn and this is a colon, and coming and cleansing first, cleansing the mind, whatever you have, just give with the giving, and then receiving is with the heart, just to receive by heart. So it's amazing how the birds are living with the giving and receiving. If you do practice every day that, it's special with the kids in school, with the gratitude and also the youngsters. Report an error in the passage at 47:33 Highlight the passage at 47:33

48:25 When you mentioned about the Jordan, that we are doing those. in Middle East, how the kids, you know, to learn to be gratitude and then also with the giving and receiving. Report an error in the passage at 48:25 Highlight the passage at 48:25

48:41 So it's so wonderful practice to focus on giving and practice. It makes you happy. Report an error in the passage at 48:41 Highlight the passage at 48:41

48:51 Thank you for bringing Qigong into the... Dian Chi Gong, yes. Awareness. So much of that is the giving and receiving is the core of that. Thank you. I may have with Paul Heller, possibly in Tassajara, too. Report an error in the passage at 48:51 Highlight the passage at 48:51

49:14 to work for giving this system. I don't know if Report an error in the passage at 49:14 Highlight the passage at 49:14

49:37 I said hello to everybody online yet. I think I just see you there with the camera. But hello, everybody online and out there in the world. You're here with us, and I'm really grateful that we are able to have this technology so those of you who couldn't be here in person, we can be with you. Report an error in the passage at 49:37 Highlight the passage at 49:37

50:03 I just had a quick question. It's my first time here, and I thought it was a really awesome talk, so I appreciate it a lot. I guess the question I had was about something you hinted at, which is... The relationship between accepting gifts and boundaries. I guess that's something I've been thinking about a lot, is when people are over-accepting boundaries, to what extent is that a gift, or how do you see it as a gift, and how does that translate to action? Report an error in the passage at 50:03 Highlight the passage at 50:03

50:35 I think that the thing that in every setting that underpins action and interaction with other human beings The humility that I can't surf every wave. That there are some settings that I just need to get out of. There are some relationships that I really can't handle. Report an error in the passage at 50:35 Highlight the passage at 50:35

51:03 And yet, if the default stance is acceptance, there is a certain clarity of mind that becomes possible that even helps you set a clearer boundary even earlier. you know. Report an error in the passage at 51:03 Highlight the passage at 51:03

51:21 Because you're not on autopilot. And there is a certain discernment that is being spotlighted and energized and given oxygen because I'm not in a default stance. I'm actually watching things as they unfold. And sometimes you don't know what the best way to meet the moment is. You just know that the way that the person is manifesting isn't working and might even be abusive. Report an error in the passage at 51:21 Highlight the passage at 51:21

51:51 So maybe what you have to do is get space. Get away. But if somebody has a practice of acceptance, a practice of settling, a practice of being grounded, the time that it takes and the awareness that is found is usually much greater. And the time takes less. It takes less time. I would call it the half-life of bother, of being able to actually settle the amount, the rate at which bother dissipates. Report an error in the passage at 51:51 Highlight the passage at 51:51

52:21 And then you can actually have a little bit more clarity. If you're ever in a really fraught conversation and you're both bothered, neither one has a great clarity in that time. You can test people five seconds later in regard to their ability to memorize things and it's greatly diminished. You don't have all of your capacities because you're not settled. You're not grounded. You're churned up. Report an error in the passage at 52:21 Highlight the passage at 52:21

52:46 you know? Living with a default stance of acceptance is an ever-growing kind of walking in the mist, if you will, where you just like the baseline gets stronger. The defaults of being settled get stronger, if you will. And still, I mean, I know people that have said to me, you know, Michael, I've been a Zen priest for 40 years and I can go home now and I can be with my family for up to an hour before I want to strangle somebody. Report an error in the passage at 52:46 Highlight the passage at 52:46

53:16 You know, and for years I just didn't go home. you know? So being humble, yeah, you might not be able to surf every wave. And just because I'm stirred up in the moment and I don't know what to do, it doesn't mean that I'm not practicing. Maybe the fact that I'm aware of that is the sign that I'm practicing. And maybe I just know, oh, I think I need to get away from this moment. Just one follow-up on that, which is the acceptance point makes a lot of sense, but I'm also curious about the gift perspective. Report an error in the passage at 53:16 Highlight the passage at 53:16

53:46 Are you viewing everything as a gift or how does that factor in? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, we think of gift like something that's nicely wrapped and has this bow on it and like we want it. Report an error in the passage at 53:46 Highlight the passage at 53:46

54:00 Have you ever known anybody who was a bad gift giver? I mean, it's really like, some of my best friends in the past, I don't know, they'd give me a gift and I'd just be like, what? Report an error in the passage at 54:00 Highlight the passage at 54:00

54:13 And it was really funny, like one time I was in a relationship, a romantic relationship for a long period of time, years ago, and this woman's family, I really didn't get along with that much, but they were awesome at giving gifts. And I can remember thinking like, and it wasn't that they were like really expensive gifts, they just kind of like paid attention. And they just, you know, and the gift that people give is also relative, has to do with how I'm viewing it, you know. Report an error in the passage at 54:13 Highlight the passage at 54:13

54:44 And I still have my collection of Pablo Neruda's works that her dad gave me and other things that people just honed in and they noticed. So sometimes the gifts that people are giving us are just out of sheer lack of ability, lack of awareness. They could be a wonderful person and yet the gift that they're giving is just like... Report an error in the passage at 54:44 Highlight the passage at 54:44

55:05 No, I don't really want this. So when I'm using the term gift, it isn't synonymous for a really fun thing that I want to unwrap. It's synonymous for everything that somebody is manifesting and everything that I'm manifesting because that's what we're putting out into the universe. That is action. That is karma, if you will. And so how do I be with the manifestation of someone else and hold that begging bowl up and say, thank you for putting those. Report an error in the passage at 55:05 Highlight the passage at 55:05

55:34 Pieces of fish on my banana chips. Report an error in the passage at 55:34 Highlight the passage at 55:34

55:45 I have a hand over here. Report an error in the passage at 55:45 Highlight the passage at 55:45

55:53 This is from the online saṅgha Eloisa. They ask, Hi Michael, thank you for your talk. I'd love to explore your thoughts on how we might approach the current government as a kind of gift. Rather than defaulting to a reactive stance, how do you navigate that? Thank you very much. I call that advanced practice. Report an error in the passage at 55:53 Highlight the passage at 55:53

56:20 And, you know, I can remember when I was first starting to study Buddhism and I was watching this interview with the Dalai Lama and they were talking about some monks that had just been released that were imprisoned just for being Buddhists. And they were in the prison for 15 years. And the interviewer said, you know, do those people fear for their lives? And the Dalai Lama said, well, for a period of time, one of the monks feared that he might lose compassion. Report an error in the passage at 56:20 Highlight the passage at 56:20

56:52 And I thought, okay, that is not me. Sometimes I get a little snarky with the barista. And yeah, so there's advanced practice. You know, Viktor Frankl wrote Man's Search for Meaning, who founded a whole branch of psychology in the middle of a Nazi concentration camp when he realized that The last power that I have on earth is how I'm going to respond to this moment. And that's a power that as long as I have a mind, that people can't take away from me. Report an error in the passage at 56:52 Highlight the passage at 56:52

57:31 And he formed Logotherapy from that. There are horrible situations that people can find themselves in. And even though there might be really difficult things that folks might find in the current political climate, it's not to say that there isn't action that needs to be taken. It isn't to say that there aren't things to be done. Report an error in the passage at 57:31 Highlight the passage at 57:31

58:04 ipad and in my car just like the news just all day long well maybe that's like that person that we were talking about earlier that i just i can't surf that wave like hold on a second if i'm going to actually be engaged in something that is stirring me up then i think i need to have more grounding practices i need to Report an error in the passage at 58:04 Highlight the passage at 58:04

58:50 Yeah, because there was a period of time where I would just get up in the morning and I would listen to Democracy Now every single morning for like an hour and a half. And I was like, wait a second, this is like more than I can actually digest. And so if I'm going to get engaged and I'm going to be settled and I want to have a clear mind and I want to be able to respond, and if I'm going to try to live life where it's not us and them and those people that are out there that are evil and me and my friends that are good and right and just. Report an error in the passage at 58:50 Highlight the passage at 58:50

59:16 If I'm going to keep away from that stance, then I'm going to have to be very careful with what waves I can surf. And so I just invite us all to do an exploration and to know what it is we can do because the world does need us to take action. It always has. But we need to be in a place where we can do that and not be a reactionary that is othering a good section of the planet. Report an error in the passage at 59:16 Highlight the passage at 59:16

59:42 Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Give. Report an error in the passage at 59:42 Highlight the passage at 59:42

1:00:10 May we fully enjoy the Dharma. Report an error in the passage at 1:00:10 Highlight the passage at 1:00:10