Returning and the Settled Self

0:00 This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Report an error in the passage at 0:00 Highlight the passage at 0:00

0:15 It's lovely to be here. Thank you, Tim, our Tanto head of practice, for inviting me to speak this evening. And thank you to my root teacher, Linda Ruth Cutts, and my Shuso teacher, and Ed Sadazan, who I received dharma entrustment with in 2014 right here in this Buddha Hall. Report an error in the passage at 0:15 Highlight the passage at 0:15

0:50 It's lovely to be back here at City Center. My name is Nancy Petrin. And I'm a former resident of San Francisco Zen Center of Green Gulch Farm first in Tassajara and then later here at City Center. Report an error in the passage at 0:50 Highlight the passage at 0:50

1:10 I've practiced at Zen Center in these temples in this practice since 1995 when I arrived as a farm apprentice at Green Gulch Farm. And I was there for 10 years. And then I left a mother when I left, but I left the farm. And then I was working here in the development offices for eight years. So thank you to all the members and donors here and joining us online. Please continue to support the temples. Report an error in the passage at 1:10 Highlight the passage at 1:10

1:48 I can't help myself. And yeah, it's, myself. Report an error in the passage at 1:48 Highlight the passage at 1:48

1:56 It's so wonderful to be back, and especially when Tim asked if I wanted to come on Wednesday evening. There's something about being here on Wednesday evening as it's starting to get dark. It's very intimate here in the Buddha Hall, and I really do love the forms. So on Wednesday evening, we all stand and we all bow together or we bow as we do. Report an error in the passage at 1:56 Highlight the passage at 1:56

2:31 And there's something about our bodies joining together that way in some kind of expression, some kind of human expression that has been passed on to us through many, many. Many, many saṅghas. And though I'm a lay teacher in this tradition and we don't technically carry or pass on the forms, I just can't help myself. Report an error in the passage at 2:31 Highlight the passage at 2:31

3:09 They just come through me and I really love them. There's something, what I wanted to talk about tonight was, is returning and what it means to return. Report an error in the passage at 3:09 Highlight the passage at 3:09

3:30 What it means to, perhaps it's my age, I'm now 61, and I'm feeling the richness of my life in a different way. Really taking time to reflect on Where I came from, who I came from, imagining back to who I and they and we came from. Report an error in the passage at 3:30 Highlight the passage at 3:30

4:04 So there's something about being here and returning to the temple that gives the opportunity to see what arises. rises, you know, as I Sit Zazen this evening down with you all. I was sitting next to you, I think, down in the zendo and coming up to dinner, joining in the meal, seeing what's new since our renovation and what just feels very familiar in returning. Report an error in the passage at 4:04 Highlight the passage at 4:04

4:44 So appreciating. The layers of our life and how I might think I have an understanding about something or someone in my life and then allowing the richness of the layers to expose themselves maybe in a new way. Report an error in the passage at 4:44 Highlight the passage at 4:44

5:09 I think that this returning is often What I'm doing in Zazen, returning to the body, returning to the breath, returning to the experience, and for those who live in the temple or for those who are very disciplined in your practice lives outside of a temple schedule, that returning where you hear The bell. You see the schedule. You know you need to get to the zendo. And there's something about putting everything down and just sitting down in the middle of your life and the giving over to that activity and to returning to the activity of zazen. So in zazen, The Report an error in the passage at 5:09 Highlight the passage at 5:09

6:23 allowing of perhaps noticing the resistance to or the boredom in our meditation practice. A few weeks ago Report an error in the passage at 6:23 Highlight the passage at 6:23

7:02 the Zendo and our Zen practice in this new senior living community. A few weeks ago, I got to lead a group to Green Gulch Farm, and we participated in a Saṅgha week there. And prior to going to Green Gulch for those five days, we took up a teaching. And the teaching was from Suzuki Roshi's collection of lectures called Not Always So. Report an error in the passage at 7:02 Highlight the passage at 7:02

7:37 and the Report an error in the passage at 7:37 Highlight the passage at 7:37

7:41 This lecture that we studied was called Be Kind With Yourself. And the first time I read this teaching or came across this teaching or heard this teaching, I had already been practicing for many years at Zen Center. And I think I may have kind of just skipped over it, you know, skipped over that, oh, be kind with yourself. And in this lecture, Suzuki Roshi says, To his students, so he's lecturing to his students, and he says, if you do not have a warm, kind feeling in your zazen, you are not doing it correctly. Report an error in the passage at 7:41 Highlight the passage at 7:41

8:27 And I'm not sure at what point I actually really started appreciating this instruction of Suzuki Roshi's. Perhaps it was realizing that he had come from a training in Japan, very traditional training, and at Eheiji, you know, the biggest kind of most important Soto Zen training temple still is. And I remember thinking, I wonder if he was ever given that instruction at Eheiji, you know, if you don't have a warm, kind feeling in your Zazen. Report an error in the passage at 8:27 Highlight the passage at 8:27

9:12 So I think there was something that he appreciated that he really understood along the way. He says in this lecture, what he wants us to understand in our meditation, in our Zazen, is the feeling of just sitting, the feeling of Zazen. And he says the feeling of Zazen is not... Simply counting your breaths as some people do, as I do at times, to settle myself, to settle into my sitting. Report an error in the passage at 9:12 Highlight the passage at 9:12

9:52 It's not a rote prescribed recipe for sitting. It is the feeling of taking care of your breath. Sitting in zazen and actually caring for the in-breath and the out-breath, feeling a warmth and a kindness in our bodies as we take our meditation seat, our meditation posture, posture, and returning there, returning to that feeling of kindness. Report an error in the passage at 9:52 Highlight the passage at 9:52

10:41 Kindness, of softness, of gratitude, of warmth. It was very difficult for all of us to go through COVID, the time of COVID. It was very difficult here in this temple. We couldn't sit together. So we were all sitting on Zoom. And I remember, I can't remember. It was at least a year before we went down and sat together in the Zendo. And I remember that first morning sitting there. Report an error in the passage at 10:41 Highlight the passage at 10:41

11:22 And at the time I was Tonto, so I got to sit facing out and I got to sit and just take everyone in sitting in the Zendo. And I may be making this up, but I think that Paul may have spoken, Paul Howler. Our teacher may have spoken out into the zendo that morning, but I could be confusing it with another time, as happens, but it's been very helpful, my confusion. Report an error in the passage at 11:22 Highlight the passage at 11:22

12:00 Because what I remember Paul saying is, as we settled into our zazen, it could have been in a seshin or something else he was leading, but he said, After we were settled in our posture to bring a gratitude, to call up into our being a gratitude, something that we were appreciative of. And after hearing that instruction, I did that often as I was beginning my zazen. I'd settle into my posture. Report an error in the passage at 12:00 Highlight the passage at 12:00

12:36 posture. Some of us sit cross-legged. Some of us sit in chairs. You know, at Enso Village, they're all sitting in chairs. It's an amazing-looking zendo. Report an error in the passage at 12:36 Highlight the passage at 12:36

12:50 But as we settle in to call in that gratitude, something, and I just remember in those first days, my gratitude was the same one each time over and over, and it was for that zendo and that we could actually Be sitting together. Report an error in the passage at 12:50 Highlight the passage at 12:50

13:13 And that gratitude had layers and dimensionality and it brought me back to, you know, when we acquired this building, I wasn't around then, but my imagination brought me back to those times and all of the effort that brought She brought me to that morning sitting there and appreciating the practice and the structure and the forms. Report an error in the passage at 13:13 Highlight the passage at 13:13

13:49 So Report an error in the passage at 13:49 Highlight the passage at 13:49

13:58 in Zazen, we sit in the middle of our lives. We sit down in the middle of whatever is swirling, whatever is most alive in our beings. Report an error in the passage at 13:58 Highlight the passage at 13:58

14:18 Simply return to this body, this breath, noting whatever might be most alive in our bodies and noticing the stories and the thoughts that arise and return to our breath. Return to the warmth and the kindness. Perhaps this is something if you haven't been practicing in this way that you might want to experiment with. Report an error in the passage at 14:18 Highlight the passage at 14:18

14:59 Suzuki Roshi in that talk says that the way that a mother responds to her baby, even when she can't quite figure out what her baby needs, that is the kind of attention that we bring, that we can bring to our zazen. Report an error in the passage at 14:59 Highlight the passage at 14:59

15:25 My husband Miles and I just spent last weekend with family up at our place. They came up to visit for a few days and there was a five-year-old, a four-year-old, and two eight-month-old babies. And it was so wonderful to now be a grandmother and observe these parents, these young parents with their children and with the big Big emotions of five and four year olds that come and go and now this and now that and tattling and negotiating and it really is stretching. Report an error in the passage at 15:25 Highlight the passage at 15:25

16:10 It is very stretching. And just appreciating these parents and their effort to really See their children in the midst of big emotion and talk to them through that. Report an error in the passage at 16:10 Highlight the passage at 16:10

16:36 And it had me reflecting on, well, first on being a mother. That was very kind of, I was relating a lot. But then a mother to young children. But then thinking about how I was raised. And I was raised in a very loving household. And we got spanked. Our father spanked us. And if he couldn't tell who of the three sisters had done what needed a spanking, we all three got spanked. Report an error in the passage at 16:36 Highlight the passage at 16:36

17:06 And so I was just reflecting on that of how different it can be, how different it might be. I'm still exploring this. this, to be able to kind of have the arc of the emotion or the fullness of the emotion without it being shut down. I think I learned very early on that anger was not a good thing to express, that if I expressed anger or frustration or all the many forms of anger could very quickly come back. Report an error in the passage at 17:06 Highlight the passage at 17:06

17:51 So I think I didn't, I was really afraid of anger for many, many years. And just slowly, you know, with kind of building a safe place of exploration could really explore the layers of anger. Report an error in the passage at 17:51 Highlight the passage at 17:51

18:13 So the Report an error in the passage at 18:13 Highlight the passage at 18:13

18:19 curiosity of the mother. Responding to the child and how Suzuki Roshi was likening this to our curiosity in Zazen, that kind, loving, warm curiosity that Report an error in the passage at 18:19 Highlight the passage at 18:19

18:46 can be cultivated simply in the care of our breath and Report an error in the passage at 18:46 Highlight the passage at 18:46

19:00 the returning. To this experience. And in there also the cultivation of not knowing mind. Open, open mind. Report an error in the passage at 19:00 Highlight the passage at 19:00

19:23 I've recently been hearing this term, the settled self. Maybe this is out there in the ether and you've been hearing this expression as well. I just went... Roger asked me, we were standing up at the Han. He said, what are you going to talk about? And I said, oh, I think I'm going to talk about the settled self. He goes, oh, how do you get that? How do you get that? Report an error in the passage at 19:23 Highlight the passage at 19:23

19:52 I said, you've got it. So this is another expression, I think, that I can relate to of when I am sitting in Zaza and I'm feeling settled. And I'm sorry if my voice is getting very quiet and I'm putting you to sleep. Report an error in the passage at 19:52 Highlight the passage at 19:52

20:11 The settled, the settled self. So I believe this is what we're cultivating in Zazen is this settled, this settled self, recognizing the settled self and recognizing when we're sitting down in our Zazen and we're definitely not feeling settled, you know. So I think this is how we observe the settled self by observing. Report an error in the passage at 20:11 Highlight the passage at 20:11

20:41 How unsettled we are. Report an error in the passage at 20:41 Highlight the passage at 20:41

20:45 But I was thinking, if Suzuki Roshi and what he's encouraging us in our zazen to acknowledge, Report an error in the passage at 20:45 Highlight the passage at 20:45

20:58 to see, to experience is kindness and warmth, then when we're off our cushion and we're noticing that we are unsettled, That we are feeling very big emotions, very strong emotions, and our encouragement in our practice is to pause, to reconnect, to explore, to be curious about what is going on. Then perhaps when we're returning to ourself in this practice of kindness is we will find kindness, perhaps. Report an error in the passage at 20:58 Highlight the passage at 20:58

21:45 We'll find whatever is there is what we will find. So we often hear about this, the pause. Tara Brock calls it the sacred pause. Diana Rossetto in her book, Waking Up to What We Do, her book on the precepts, pause Report an error in the passage at 21:45 Highlight the passage at 21:45

22:21 She has a metaphor for the pause and the pause as she describes it is it's like a trapeze artist and the artist is swinging through the air on the trapeze on her karmic flow, her karmic energetic trapeze and then something happens and there's a bit of a moment. Where she realizes, oh, I'm being moved along in a habitual pattern and a karmic pattern. Report an error in the passage at 22:21 Highlight the passage at 22:21

23:05 And let's go with the trapeze. Report an error in the passage at 23:05 Highlight the passage at 23:05

23:10 And there's the pause. And here's the next trapeze. But in that moment, there's a moment of choice. And we can actually drop to the net, actually, you know, if we're not ready, if we don't quite know what the next thing is. I say dropping to the net feels like a very kind of fun maybe thing to do, like giving ourself a little space before we decide the next thing. Report an error in the passage at 23:10 Highlight the passage at 23:10

23:41 But this image of the trapeze where there's a choice, there's this pause in the middle before we take the next action. And in that pause, there can be creativity, there can be even just What would be the kind thing to do for myself in this situation? situation, whatever it is that you might be working with, whatever it is that arises. Report an error in the passage at 23:41 Highlight the passage at 23:41

24:13 I think Tara Brock calls it the sacred pause because it's few and far between often that we realize that we have so much choice in our lives. I think we're mostly moving along, you know, in a quick. Karmic clip, you know. So acknowledging that there is this opportunity to do something different. Report an error in the passage at 24:13 Highlight the passage at 24:13

24:46 Last week, Miles and I were at a family, a friend of a family at a funeral. And this woman was 95. And she was a mother of four. And she was also the mother to a lot of their friends. Like all the teenagers seemed to find their way over to Carol Protus's house. And at the funeral, at the gathering afterwards, so many people in their 60s, grown people, grown adults were getting up and talking about what it was like to be in this woman's presence as teenagers. Report an error in the passage at 24:46 Highlight the passage at 24:46

25:24 And Miles experienced this. She was a very good friend of their family. And they all kind of said the same thing, that when she saw you, she would say, Brian, I'm so glad you're here. And you felt it. And she really made people feel seen and welcomed. Report an error in the passage at 25:24 Highlight the passage at 25:24

25:56 And she was a mother. She was a mother to a lot. Maybe she didn't know in that moment what they were needing, but they were needing to be seen and to be loved and acknowledged. And there was this very funny story. I won't go into the whole thing, though I love telling stories. And Carol had this very funny interaction with Doris Day. Report an error in the passage at 25:56 Highlight the passage at 25:56

26:25 Maybe some of you will have to Google who Doris Day is. But Doris Day had a hit song in the late... 50s called Que Sera Sera. And so by the end of the gathering, we're all belting out Que Sera Sera for Carol, a life well lived. And then later I was kind of like, oh, I grew up with that song. I loved singing that song as a little girl, you know, and I was kind of like looking at the words and I was just like, hmm. There was something that didn't quite sit well with me. Report an error in the passage at 26:25 Highlight the passage at 26:25

26:55 And it's, for those of you who don't know, it's been in my head nonstop ever It's K-Sara-Sara. Whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to see. Que sera, sera. And it goes on, this child asks her mother, what will I be? And the mother says, we shall see. And so there was something about it that I was like, I grew up with that song. Report an error in the passage at 26:55 Highlight the passage at 26:55

27:21 Like I, you know, somehow, like that's kind of a part of the way I saw the world as a child, you know? And, um, And then I was thinking about, at some point, I'm not sure when, it came to me, like, it was like, how is this connected to, you know, Buddhist practice? And what came to me was simply the title of Norman Fisher's book, The World Could Be Otherwise. And I was like, yeah, yeah, there's something that... Report an error in the passage at 27:21 Highlight the passage at 27:21

28:01 You know, my father told me when I was little, Nancy, you're a girl. When you get old, you can be whatever you want to be. I was like, oh, that's pretty cool that that's what my dad told me in the 60s, 70s. And I kind of hear that as well, you know, like in Norman's book. The world could be otherwise. I feel like it's calling us to something, not like, oh, we'll see. Report an error in the passage at 28:01 Highlight the passage at 28:01

28:25 But actually, in his book, he talks about imagination. And the bodhisattva vow. And that in order to be bodhisattvas, those who commit to staying in this world until all beings are free of suffering, that we need big imaginations. We need the precepts. We need the paramitas. We need all of the teachings of Buddhism. We need big bodhisattva hearts. Report an error in the passage at 28:25 Highlight the passage at 28:25

28:58 and we need imagination. Report an error in the passage at 28:58 Highlight the passage at 28:58

29:04 So this is something that Norman says. He says, For the Mahāyāna scriptures reveal the Buddha to be an endless, illuminated, imaginative projection. Report an error in the passage at 29:04 Highlight the passage at 29:04

29:22 whose limitless purpose was the same as that of each and every human being. That purpose is compassion. The endless caring and salvic salve, as in curative, activity that would relieve the suffering of infinite beings throughout time and space. The Buddha portrayed by Mahāyāna Buddhist scriptures is the imaginary embodiment of love. Report an error in the passage at 29:22 Highlight the passage at 29:22

29:56 Each person at the core is a Buddha in potential. Report an error in the passage at 29:56 Highlight the passage at 29:56

30:05 So, I Report an error in the passage at 30:05 Highlight the passage at 30:05

30:14 think I'll take a pause. Report an error in the passage at 30:14 Highlight the passage at 30:14

30:20 As I swing through the air on my trapeze, where was I going? Report an error in the passage at 30:20 Highlight the passage at 30:20

30:32 Returning, returning Report an error in the passage at 30:32 Highlight the passage at 30:32

30:37 to the settled being with Report an error in the passage at 30:37 Highlight the passage at 30:37

30:47 kindness and warmth and Report an error in the passage at 30:47 Highlight the passage at 30:47

30:56 opening up to all kinds of potential. Report an error in the passage at 30:56 Highlight the passage at 30:56

31:06 This is how we build trust. Report an error in the passage at 31:06 Highlight the passage at 31:06

31:15 This is how we build trust in ourselves. And in standing in our settledness and speaking our truth from there, Report an error in the passage at 31:15 Highlight the passage at 31:15

31:37 And meeting ourselves with kindness and warmth and emanating that. So Report an error in the passage at 31:37 Highlight the passage at 31:37

31:50 as we bring into our zazen a gratitude, from there, as David Zimmerman used to, perhaps he still says, open our aperture and extend that gratitude, that love, out to all beings. Report an error in the passage at 31:50 Highlight the passage at 31:50

32:20 Knowing that there is no boundary in this body, it Report an error in the passage at 32:20 Highlight the passage at 32:20

32:29 is completely permeable. So Report an error in the passage at 32:29 Highlight the passage at 32:29

32:43 again, noticing whenever we're contracted or triggered or agitated, it's a way for us to note that we're not in our settled bodies and that there is something to explore there. There's some information. There's something wanting. So Report an error in the passage at 32:43 Highlight the passage at 32:43

33:19 in turning back, being present with, imagining into the future, the world that could be, I wanted to read this poem with you. The poem is called The Layers, and it's by Stanley Kunitz. It's from a collection called Wild Braid, and Stanley... Report an error in the passage at 33:19 Highlight the passage at 33:19

33:53 Put that collection together when he was 100 years old. It's his reflections on gardening and poetry. And he was helped in that endeavor by a former resident, a Saṅgha member named Janine Lunteen. Report an error in the passage at 33:53 Highlight the passage at 33:53

34:08 The layers. I have walked through many lives, some of them my own, and I am not who I was. Though some principle of being abides from which I struggle not to stray, when I look behind as I am compelled to look, before I can gather strength to proceed on my journey, I see the milestones dwindling toward the horizon and the slow fires trailing from the abandoned campsites. Report an error in the passage at 34:08 Highlight the passage at 34:08

34:48 Over which scavenger angels wheel on heavy wings. Oh, I have made myself a tribe out of my true affections, and my tribe is scattered. How shall the heart be reconciled to its feast of losses? In a rising wind, the manic dust of my friends, those who fell along the way, bitterly stings my face. Yet I turn, I turn, exulting somewhat with my will intact to go wherever I need to go and every stone on the road precious to me. Report an error in the passage at 34:48 Highlight the passage at 34:48

35:33 In my darkest night when the moon was covered and I roamed through wreckage, a nimbus-colored, clouded voice directed me, live in the layers, not on the litter. Though I lack the art to decipher it, no doubt the next chapter in my book of transformations is already written. I am not done with my changes. So Report an error in the passage at 35:33 Highlight the passage at 35:33

36:07 bodhisattvas, I think we have time for maybe one question. We have a hard stop at 830 before we all turn into pumpkins. Report an error in the passage at 36:07 Highlight the passage at 36:07

36:22 Does Report an error in the passage at 36:22 Highlight the passage at 36:22

36:26 anyone have a question? Someone will bring you a microphone so those online can hear. Report an error in the passage at 36:26 Highlight the passage at 36:26

36:45 Hi, thank you for your talk. I was really intrigued by what you said about having a warm, kind feeling during Zazen because I feel like often, especially at 5.40 a.m., sometimes I have a very cold, determined feeling. Report an error in the passage at 36:45 Highlight the passage at 36:45

37:06 Yeah, yeah. And I guess, yeah, is there any way that you would suggest, suggest trying to like enter that kind of a mindset. Report an error in the passage at 37:06 Highlight the passage at 37:06

37:17 When Report an error in the passage at 37:17 Highlight the passage at 37:17

37:21 I first started practicing, and especially I noticed when I went down to Tassajara, I was sitting next to a woman who then became my best friend, but we would eat formal meals in the zendo. And she had already been down at Tassajara for two practice periods, so she was very quick with her. Report an error in the passage at 37:21 Highlight the passage at 37:21

37:45 and finishing and I would race her like every every meal I would see I was just like I was I I think I didn't see for a long time how tightly I was holding the forms how strict I was Report an error in the passage at 37:45 Highlight the passage at 37:45

38:03 how tight I was in my body and I think that tightness in my body was very much tightness in my mind. mind as well. So, you know, I think actually this instruction of calling up, it took me a long time to see that that's what I was doing, you know, years. Report an error in the passage at 38:03 Highlight the passage at 38:03

38:31 So I would say starting with a gratitude in your heart. Something that you can feel, perhaps you can experiment around feeling warmth or gratitude for something. Report an error in the passage at 38:31 Highlight the passage at 38:31

38:53 Acknowledging, not overriding what is happening for you, you know, and even saying to yourself, this is hard, you know. Maybe when you get to the zendo in the morning and you're bowing to your cushion, you can say, good for you, we made it. Report an error in the passage at 38:53 Highlight the passage at 38:53

39:11 We're going to do this. You know, maybe did you ever have a coach in your life? You know, maybe you have like a little coach, you know, standing on this, you know, like we've got this, you know. And also just the Report an error in the passage at 39:11 Highlight the passage at 39:11

39:29 feeling of if you can recall when someone in your life was kind to you, you know, oftentimes. We have to be going through really hard times for a small kindness to really land. You know, I think like after 9-11, I heard all these stories of people being kind with each other in New York, you know, or during COVID, there was like this long line outside the grocery store and the sandwich board said, you know, be kind. Report an error in the passage at 39:29 Highlight the passage at 39:29

40:11 I just remember, like, be kind with each other. Like, we're all having a hard time, you know. And I think that's true all the time. You know, we never know what someone else is going through. But if you can remember maybe a little bit of review looking back, someone who you kind of looked up to or admired maybe as a kid that was a kind kid, you know. Report an error in the passage at 40:11 Highlight the passage at 40:11

40:42 Maybe you can play with it a little bit. Start exploring all the layers of it. Thank you. Yeah, and sometimes Lhasa is just hard. Do you know rest posture? We have a form for resting. You can do that. Report an error in the passage at 40:42 Highlight the passage at 40:42

41:06 Be kind with yourself. Report an error in the passage at 41:06 Highlight the passage at 41:06

41:13 Thank you. I think we have no more time for questions. I do not think we do. I think we do not. I do not. Report an error in the passage at 41:13 Highlight the passage at 41:13

41:29 Thank you everyone for being here tonight. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the dharma. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click giving. Report an error in the passage at 41:29 Highlight the passage at 41:29

41:53 May we fully enjoy the dharma. Report an error in the passage at 41:53 Highlight the passage at 41:53